Thursday, February 13, 2014

Show's Guide for surviving St. Valentine's Day

Ladies and gentleman, Valentines day is upon us….. in a mere day the climax of cuffin season manifests itself to the world in all its glory.  Cold winter nights beside your boo or sidechick may become inherently colder depending on your willingness and ability to effectively manage your valentines day strategy and strategically place yourself not in the line of fire, but rather in the good graces of your lady, her friends, and all the random broads on IG checking to see if you would be a liable candidate for them to throw some box at when your girl isn’t looking. 

Fuck Santa clause, V-day is a real ni**a’s version of Christmas. Think of this as Avon Barksdale giving you your own corner and points off the package. This is like the All-Star game of….well….game! How tight is your game? Is it tight enough to tip the scales of monetary poetic justice in your favor? For many this is the end of pre-season. This is when you determine whether or not you are a bench riding side chick, or a “starter”, and for those of you with significant others, your first valentines’ day is a chance to see if they’ll actually “start” to be a significant part of the rest of your life. Don’t be scared though, its not as bad as it seems…and as always…Show’s got ya covered.

Below is a list I’ve compiled over the past decade on do’s and donts, wills and wonts, nah’s and Hell to the Nahs. Consider this my gift to you all. Cliff notes on how to turn V-day into G-day.  BTW, for all the fellas  and ladies with weak game, I’m about to F**K Your WHOLE day up.

“Spit you game, talk your shit….” –B.I.G

Top 5 worst gifts to give if you actually care about him/her:

1.)    Lingerie (that shit aint for us, its for you! You picked it out, you get to keep it! Stop trying to sell sex as a “gift” before we start doing shit like “surprise, happy vday, I got myself a new shovel and some gloves since I know you love when I shovel the snow off your car.” Lingerie goes in the “shared responsibilities/ household items” category like trash bags and soap.

2.)    Money (Money is great, but giving me money which will ultimately be shared with or spent on you is the old 52 fake out. Telling you  “I aint got it” at this point, is like saying “can’t spare shit” to a homeless person who sees you at an ATM. Also “we can use it to go to dinner” means “you can use it to eat what I’ve really been craving while u find something barely palatable off the menu...but its're supposed to smile and like it because the vegan restaurant serves wheat grass beer.”

3.)    Department store Giftcards less than $100.00. “Ohhhh girl, I got him a 50$ gift card to Neiman Marcus. Sounds good, but what the fuck I’ma buy with 50$? Half a bottle of cologne? What you have essentially done was given me a coupon for 30% off…..thereby ensuring that I will spend MORE money at the store to take advantage of the deal. This is some ol' bullshit. 

4.)    Services (housecleaning, foot rubs, bjs,dishes…..while of of these things are great, they aren’t part of the bartering process. Nice try though. You’re better off with a walk and picnic in a secluded park if you want to be cheap...with yo cheap ass. 

5.)    Flowers, chocolates and teddy bears (Grow the fu*k up. You might as well buy the chick a freaking carnation for 1$ since we’re taking it back to 5th grade. Any teddy bear a grown woman was better be from when she was a kid….mater fact, scratch that, you can buy one of those Build-a-Bear jawns….those shit’s are expensive and building it is a good exercise is “compromise.” Chocolates though? Unless you personally trekked through the Swiss Alps and had gnomes personally make that shit for her, I’d say shes perfectly capable of walking to Rite Aid at 5:00pm on Feburary 14th and buying her own heart shaped box of assorted , shitty chocolates….Also, Ferrero Rocher ni**as…yall aint much better. LOL. 

Top 5 gifts if you dont.... I mean:

Top 5 restaurants to take a side chick for Vday

1.)    Olive Garden (simply number one because ni**as love it and try to pretend they are more diverse than simply eating at red lobster. This is an over inflated stat, but the numbers don’t lie. By trying to prove you aren’t a rachet Red Lobster fiend, you’ve turned olive garden  into the next best thing.

2.)    Red Lobster: Chessy biscuits, endless shrimp and devoid of the possibility she may be embarrassed at not knowing what fork to use or how to pronounce an entree item….you can’t go wrong. AVOID the classic rookie mistake of bringing home the cheesy biscuits. Try explaining “I was at Red Lobster with my boys” to wifey. She knows tyrone's allergic to seafood and big man wouldn’t leave no leftovers. Step ya game up son.

3.)    Fridays, Chilli’s or Applebees (the cheapest non-fast food meal you’re going to get without cooking at home. Sidenote: While cooking at home seems like a great, cost effective idea, remember….YOU ARE A SIDECHICK….he/she aint bringing you home. You’re buggin.

4.)    Cheesecake Factory (this is low on the list because, as the name implies, you know you will have to spring for dessert thereby making it more expensive. What this says is that yes, you are a sidechick, but he respects you enough to spend a little more bread on dessert. Young ni**a SPLURGE (Future voice.)

5.)    Harlem BBQ. (lets face it, he may be taking you out into NYC just to avoid all his girl’s friends in CT, but sheeeeeit, if he can get away the whole day ON V-DAY, you’ve got yourself a keeper girl. Don’t lose this side dude on account of your boyfriend….that ni**a be trippin. You got yourself a nice situation...he's special. LMAO.

Bonus: Just to fuck up your day some more

Top 5 Not Celebrating V day Excuses

1.)    It’s a pagan holiday invented by the Romans and perpetuated by greeting card companies to sell gifts! (Broke Ni**as)
2.)    We decided to mutually not exchange gifts (Afraid she’ll get me something expensive and I’ll have to spend this money I reserved for the Jordan Concord XI ni**as)
3.)    I’m on love with the money and will be clockin those hours (Chicks who wish they had a man or somebody to take them out)
4.)    I’ll be right home being a mommy with the true loves of my life (Chicks with no babysitter.)

5.)     Im just gonna chill this year and if anything, do something low key (Ni**as with no plans who will be playing 2k on Xbox / Chicks who may congregate at Buffalo Wild wings and throw shade at couples for being ‘too cheap to go to a real restaurant.’)

      Though this may apply to 50-75% of yall, Im sure you see the inherent truth in the scenarios presented above and laughed at least once. Oh you aint laugh? Lonely hoes. What you want a cupcake? Let me guess , you have a boo who is in jail? You buy a V-day gift for your baby daddy cause he's "such a great father" (Even after he left at the first plus sign on the EPT) and  even though he has a girl and a side chick neither of which is you? Ha! Yall are pathetic...grow up. And fellas, quit with the heartfelt statuses on FB beggin for a valentine. Man the fuck up. Re-read this post....internalize it...get some game and bag some of these lonely's the American way.

The Bros are back and could give a fuck about you're feelins. Its hoodie season. Get down or lay down.