At the Same Damn Time: Rules for Dating 2 women

"I been in this game for years...It made me an animal...There's rules to this shit...I wrote me a manual."

-The Notorious B.I.G

Show: Big said that....and we all know the prophetic powers of NY's most potently prolific poet.


Tako: Well.....

"Fu*kin two bad bi*ches at the same damn time!"

-Future

Tako: Future said that, and...ummm....that nig*a is the truth!


Wja3: So I see you both plan on blending the old and new school as a means to justify misogyny, infidelity and double trickin'. I'm with it. Do ya thing.

I'm glad that Wja3 has started this conversation by stating something that a lot of you were thinking, despite the fact that it is inherently untrue. This post is not misogynistic, except in that I'm gonna throw the word bi*ch around freely and with reckless abandon, because dating two women is not wrong.....It's not wrong BECAUSE it is not cheating. Cheating is wrong. The fact that I say "women" and not people is just to base it on personal experience....I'm not "a gay" hence I can't tell you how to date two men. Also, these Do's and Don't's will tell you what to look out for so that you don't think you're in a relationship when you're really just a second string skeet swallowing slore-bag. No offense.

Rule #1: Takeout is king.

In Girl talk:

Cooking a Homemade meal= he loves me

Dining out = He's got money....Let's spend it.

Rule #2: Break the chain

Being linked on social media sites allow the girls you are dating to secretly stalk each other. Trust me son, you don't want that drama, nor does it make you seem like more of a pimp. Watching two ghetto hoes bicker over you only serves as entertainment for the rest of us and a warning to any respectable girl that...well....you like to date birds.

Rule #3: No Names!

This sort of goes with #1. You MUST let the girls you are dating know they aren't the only one, but CANNOT eva eva eva eva eva let them know each others names, Twitter Handles, Instigram usernames or anything like that.

C4: Yawn. Give us something we don't know.

First off, here's an emphatic F*ck you to C4. Secondly, let me state that while you may know the three big rules, it is often the grey areas between them which lead to the eventual deterioration of our said pimpin. To reverse those effects, I've supplied supplemental tips.

Tip # 1: Take her out seldom, but when you do, always pay or always make her pay...DO NOT mix and match.

Making her pay shows, a.) I'm not shit from the start, you know this, and are signing on to deal with it. This is like stealing money out a girls purse on the 1st date....years later she can never say "you don't treat me like you did when we first met." LOL. b.) Making her pay shows, I don't give a fu*k about you...at all....not even a T.G.I Fridays Fu*k.

Always paying, on the other hand, adds more of a "this is whatever...I'm paying for your pus*y" type atmosphere. When you want to dead the skeetlationship you can always use the "You showed too many golddigging tendencies" excuse. Also, it makes her feel like a whore and more like your property. It's fu*ked up, but it works. Whore's don't try to claim rightful relationship amenities like space on your DVR or a spot on your towel rack....nah son.

Going dutch, or doing the "I'll pay this, you pay the next" shows that you trust and care for each other, dont care about being emasculated AND plan on being around for another date. NEVER DO IT. End of story.

Tako: Pure Gold!!

Tip #2: Give her the Biz.

Now, when I say give her the biz, I do not mean put it down in the bedroom and make her forget all of your other shortcomings. I mean give her the "Biz Markee", champion for all downtrodden men who've had a love interest spend too much time with someone who's "just a friend." Leave your phone on ring and when it goes off, ANSWER IT! When girl # Thursday calls you on a Friday, take her call...right in front of Ms. Friday...and when the girl on the other end asks who that is in the background, because Ms. Freaky Friday will know by your soft tone and non-usage of the N-word that you're talking to a female and hence try to make herself heard, you respond, "Oh She's Just a friend..."

Tako: Damn. That's cold.

Even better, when you hang up act like nothings wrong and carry on. Ms. Friday will try to visually display attitude, but pretend not to notice, and when she brings it up , saying "oh, I'm just a friend? That's all we are?" Say "Yeah, we aren't dating exclusively or anything..." in a nonchalant, not confrontational manner. She wont know what to do...She can't get mad cause you seem genuinely surprised that she thought you were more, and she does not want to look like the "Stupid girl who was disillusioned." This should buy you at least another 4 months while she discusses "trap him" strategy with her gossipy friends. It is most important to bring and use your own condoms after pulling this move. Desperate girls go to desperate, hole in condom poking measures.

Tip #3: Always remember that I will never work out with either woman.

As sad as it sounds, I was once told something which stuck with me: "Show me the prettiest woman in the world, and I'll show you a dude sick of dealing with her." Where most men get tripped up in the process of dating two women is when they themselves forget that If this girl was worth a Jean claude van Damn, you wouldn't have an extra. Nobody buys a bottle of Moet with a chaser, but you most certainly order a beer and a shot at the same time. Don't let your own perception fool you. When comparing each of the two woman's faults you will inevitably find that one excels in everything the other lacks....comparatively at least. This is similar to believing that Heineken and Corona are truly superb beers just because your local bodega only carries that, coors light, bud and St Ides. In white people terms, the grass is always greener on the other side...but don't forget, on the other side of town theres a landscaped lawn with some dope ass shrubbery. What yall nig*as know about shrubbery son? LOL.


Wja3: Well said. I have to admit, you sir do know a few things about hoes.

Why thank you. Now, of course, I can't give away all the secrets, but I think this is a good starting point for the 2012 version of double dating. Lol. I'd be interested in what the ladies and fellas have to say about this so feel free to comment. In the meantime, turn up some Future or Biggie and lets get the Menage poppin!!

-Bros

Dear Fellas: Anytime a woman cheats, it's your fault.

Son, I haven't been on blogger in so long that the look and feel of the web setup has changed and I can barely figure this out. Damn, guess we're long overdue for some Nappyheaded nostalgia as I reflect on my past hoes and the lessons learned. Yep, I said hoes. F**k you gonna do? sue me. My president listens to young jeezy. You Cant tell me sheiiiiiiiit.

On with the "Show." I'm about to go national geographic so I can plead the plight of my demographic.


Tako: Oh boy, Mr. 30 year old rapper is at it again. Give it up.

C4: Well.....what you got Showrockadile Hunter?

Check it. Female lions represent the best and worst of society and actually arent too different from the women of today. Let's start with the best. Female lions hunt all day while the Male lions just chill, protect the crib, chill and chill some more. She provides for her family, holds it down for her man and recognizes that he is king and she's just there to be his better, more active, more responsible half....well she's there for that and to give up the lion booty. Lol.

Tako: Some might be inclined to call this the "perfect baby mama" syndrome.

Now for the bad. Female lions will allow a new man to come into her old man's den and take sh*t the fu*k over! Now, in her defense, she does not "sleep around" or tell old lion side piece #2 that he can run up in her den, smash and leave before her King gets back (Like some of you tryflin females) , but she does do something different. If the #1 lion aint got his shit together or is neglecting his duties to the point another lion takes over his den in some sort of a lion version of the strong arm robbery, she lets him kill all the kids from her previous CubbyDaddy and start smashing anew. Wow. Lion bi*ches aint shit!

The point of all this is that most women start off loyal and have their man's back, with those that dont fit this mold being certified hoes from the start. Female species are not programmed to take on as many partners as possible as are many masculine creatures. This being said, they are not fighting genetics. I will even take this a step further and risk pissing off all men across the world by saying "anytime a woman cheats, it is your own fault."

Wja3: Bold words.

Though my blog brethren may not be in agreement I have ascertained 4 primary reasons that all break-ups are the fault of a male. I also use acronyms just cause a NLI. (Negro like it!)

1.) Reason 1, CCMP: Couldnt keep  your meat in your pants.

Pretty self explanatory. Men can separate sex from loving and caring in a way that no SELF-RESPECTING female can do...I dont care what she says....she cant separate them the way a man can (pause.) Problem is, a relationship is an implied contract. She doesnt care that you have no emotional or even physical attachment to that girl, she cares that your meat has been compromised. If you wanna keep her, you gotta make the Meat her's.

Tako: STOP RAPPING!

2.) Reason 2, TFG: You took her for granted

Remember how happy you were when you first bagged her? Before you realized that in addition to that fat ass and pretty face came a smart mouthed princess who was stubborn and hardheaded? Well good. She remembers the sweet guy who would send her packages and flowers just because....the guy who was in shape, not a fat ass and who would actually pay the tab. Difference is, she has a line of available nig*as willing to fill her "void." The thirst disguised as concern and chivalry often prevails (see Reason 3). Men are a bit more relationship smart. We just see other girls with fat asses and puertorican accents and assume that they have just as many problems as you....

Meanwhile, you gals see Mr Twitter sixpack romeo and go gaga-slurpslurp-byebye.

3.) Reason 3, IBNH: You were in her bed but not her head.

Number 3 should've been number one to me..... (I actually didnt make it #1 just so I could rap that line in a Biggie voice.) This is the most important reason break-ups are mens faults. Women cheat because some man has gotten into her head and convinced her that he was a better fit and possibly, that you aint shit. No man can get in your woman's head if you have properly made the appropriate mental connections. Look at all the girls who stay with a man and cry their eyes out each night, hoping he'll change because they love so much about him. Connection established!

Think about it. A man telling your girl she could do better SHOULD be like someone telling you the world is flat and not round. If she stops to ask the question "why do you think it's round?" you haven't properly sealed all entries for mental doubt. Another man can only pull emotional bit*h ass ni**a tricks on your lady, i.e) tell her you're probably cheating, exploit her insecurities about your PAST indiscretions, listen to her boring stories or pretend to care about her interests if you give her a reason to NEED to discuss her life with another male. Take care of your business and the thought of even discussing stuff like this with another man will seem like cheating in and of itself!

Also, get in her friends heads. If they dont like you, they'll be setting her up on double dates in a heartbeat saying "it's not cheating, I just think you two could hit it off and be good friends." Beware the single hoes.  

Men cheat to satisfy the meat. Women cheat for emotional reasons which makes it a gazillion times worse.

4.) Reason 4, SHFS: She was a Ho....fo' Sho'.

This is your fault. You should've done your research, listened to your homies, checked the amount of  Do-rags left on the side of her bed, pulled her medical abortion history or known when you saw the tongue ring. You tried to turn a paraplegic to a Kenyan and it didn't work. It never works....duh...that's why hoes are winning.

C4: That was a pretty good rap up my dude. Sounds like someone hurt you, but it was still a good rap up. Lol.

In the end this doesn't excuse any woman for cheating and really only portrays the Bros as more misogynistic by actually thinking we control a woman's decision to cheat, but i do believe everything stated was true. Women, I hope that you have an endless stream of STDs and a stable of special needs children if you cheat...it's just as easy to voice your concerns and fix the problem, or simply walk away. Fellas, stop blaming that other dude for your tryflin woman's ways. You made her that way. Take each failed relationship as a lesson learned and think of ways you can do better....

Oh yea, and stop wifin hoes.

Paz no Guerra.

-ShowShow aka 2Playz

Krispee Chik'nnnn

"A young black man carrying a Tray of Burger King softdrinks had his Von Dutch hoodie riddled with 9mm bullets meeting the same fate as Marin Luther king...assassination. To make matters worse, the media is now attempting to assassinate his character; as the headlines read, if he hadn't worn that hoodie he may still be with us, if he hadn't seen that BK commercial and went to get that crispy chicken rap, he'd still be alive."

Tako: I see the subliminals there...I like what you doing son.

Wja3: He's clever, I'll give him that.

The aforementioned scenario didn't happen, nor will it. So don't start trying to compare hoodies and the dead boy to Mary J Blige and the chicken commercial. The chicken commercial is no different than white people singing itallian songs about pasta in Olive Garden commercials, and as a matter of fact, the Mary J commercial is brilliant and dope.

C4: What!

As a matter of fact....lets take it back.....

"Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions pickles on a sesame seed bun."

EVERY FU*KIN BODY remembers the Mcdonalds Big Mac song...because it was catchy, it was dope and it was epic! As is this. In all honesty, I been singing the song all day and think this is the dopest food song since the "when pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytimeeeeee."

Tako: SO much swag in one song.

Wja3: Hold on now....do you not see the inherent racism in a black woman singing about chicken? Why couldnt she promote the smoothie's at BK like Beckham, or the Drive thru like Jay Leno? Lets forget about the catchiness of the jingle which sounds like it was written by Juke-em' Jamie Foxx himself...the best jingle man in the business...at least on the show.

Yes, it was probably a white man who decided to "give the chicken jingle to the Black girl," but so what. It's pretty much fact that black people like chicken....I do....you do....we ALL do. It's not like she was in blackface or promoting "Massa's Watermelon Dippin' sauce." This is one of those things where we kinda have to see it for what it is...a celebrity making money off their marketability, and guess what....you'd probably do it too. Get off Mary J's nutsack and let her old ass be. I actually hate most her music and haven't liked a song of hers since "I'm going down," but support her decision to make money and affirm her penchant for chicken.

I'm not trying to play devil's advocate....I'm being dead serious. I actually love this song. The beat, the melody, the fact that we are refusing to act like we don't like chicken just cause white people stereotypes say we should. Watch this, and enjoy.

expect to see a Rocka remix soon.

Can you name a better food/drink endorsement song (St. Ides excluded)? I thought not!!

Swag on Mary J Blizzzige.

-Bros

Leave Your Hoodies At Home [Vlog]

Trayvon-related Geraldo spoof featuring C4. It's what happens when a black man decides to give up his hoodie.

Nappyheaded Editorial: Trayvon. I'm Entitled to my Own Opinion

I was wearing hoodies before Trayvon Martin got killed.

Difference is....now, more than 20 years after putting on my 1st hoodie, the word "hoodie" actually means something more than, the article of clothing which kept me warm throughout my youth, kept me fresh to death in school and allowed me to feel like each and every one of my favorite rappers. why does this matter? It matters because I hope that this mental association of young black teenager killed for no reason" and the word "hoodie" lasts forever....I hope this isnt the hot button topic of the moment, or a flash in the pan of protests which will fizzle and die out as quickly as the hype over Galaxy foamposites.

Tako: a Young black teen was murdered by a racist blockwatch captain. Why do you think this type of event would ever be forgotten though son?

Because.

well.....

Because niggas are stupid. Niggas just want something to raise their fist about. Niggas just want something to put on T-Shirts and make Facebook posts about to try and seem intelligent.

Sorry for my usage of the N-word, but sometimes a Nigga gotta use it.

Wja3: And this is why I stay out of these convos......

The facts are as follows:

Noone, not even the police are allowed to gun people down without fear of their own life being in jeopardy. This is fact....except in Alabama where "nigga" is still a crime. People, nonetheless are engaging in frivolous arguments about "Trayvon being a target because he was black wearing a hoodie" and about what type of provocation led to the shooting. Doesnt matter that he was suspended from school for having an empty bag of weed, or that he was 6'3" (the nigga was only 150, and we all know 6'3" 150 is like Snoop dogg skinny!)

Truth is, none of that matters. Trayvon could've said, 'Fuck out my face you bitch ass cracker. What am I doing here? I'm giving your mom big long black country dick...and she likes it" and while that may have warranted a swift punch in the face and a few under breath racial slurs, it doesnt justify murder. As a matter a fact, lets play Devils advocate and act like it does justify murder...a nigga disrespects you, you kill him...it STILL DOESNT MAKE IT LEGAL. Don't believe it? Look at every gang / miscellaneous hood killing in the last 10 years. Nigga disrespects? Kill him. End up in jail.

That being said, black people....

Beautiful princesses and strong Nubian warriors of the earth....and white people...holders of good credit and the best college blowjobs... lets not make this about more than it is.

This is not a social conspiracy.

This is not a plot against all black men in hoodies.

This is an isolated incident which is a manifestation of a not so isolated problem...racism.

A racist white block watch leader killed an innocent black teenager. Fuck whether or not he was smartmouthed or disrespectful, where he was standing or what he was wearing...he was unarmed and therefore innocent. Police tried to cover it up, but apparently have failed, which usually doesnt happen in the south. Usually these things get swept under the rug.

Thats all there is to it.

The cops should be punished and Zimmerman should be sent to jail. Do not pass go. Kiss your anal virginity goodbye.

That being said, take your goddamned fist out of the air and use it to pick up a book. Trayvon is one of many black males persecuted for the color of their skin. We've all seen it or experienced it 1st hand and there's really nothing special about this case. Its a tragedy, its sad and we're glad it finally makes the media realize that racism still exists (even though we go through this every few years and seem to forget about it...see: Amadou Diallo, Malik Jones, James Byrd.) Say a prayer for Trayvon's family and for the American Justice system so it doesnt miscarriage.

Oh yeah, and take off those fucking hoodies. Its 80 degrees and almost April.

A buttonup shirt, tie and appearance in court where things actually happen would do us much more good. Challenge whether or not the "Stand your ground Law " (google it) is applicable, not whether or not you should rock a black hoodie or a blue one to match your J's. . I've read Beard Vs. The United states 158 US 550 (1895), the case law which the law is rooted in, and dont think there's a snowball's chance in hell that Zimmerman will fall under its protection.

Let's do something that actually matters rather than something that makes it look like we care.

Just sayin.

-Bros

Girl Pin # 2034

Sooooooooo, thats how we want to play it ladies?

We're really going to act like men are the scum of the earth just because the Bros said so? Just because we've given you the raunchy tales of adolescence and the fraternity parties of yesteryear?

Well what if we were to tell you that we're wholeheartedly offended? It's like the way that a woman can act like a bitch and call another woman a bitch but flips out if a man does it. Yep. We can act like dogs and call each other heartless pieces of mierda, but yall have no right to judge us with all the fu*ked up shit yall women do.

Tako: List, List, List!!

Wja3: Let men raise children that aren't theirs and tell them on Maury when the kid is like 10!

C4: Fake periods to avoid sex.

Show: Fake abortions and spend the abortion money.

That being said, I'm going to pass along a pin number post that a female reader submitted to me. I personally think its funny and am not all that shocked because I understand deviant behavior and human nature...you may be shocked because you're naive and havent heard the Showrockism "bi*ches aint shit and fella's ain't worth a wipe."

#2034

"There's nothing I hate more than sexism...well actually that's a lie. The one thing I hate more than sexism and male cheuvenistic behavior is an overly inflated male ego. I know you're all thinking right now, 'she sounds like a feminist lezbo,' which is not the case. I just relish the idea of putting a man in his place....starting with you.

I triumphantly emerged from a barroom storage area only to be greeted with a cheesy patron induced grin as I attempted to make my way to the ladies room. I had carved another notch in my belt and made another man my bitch and nothing could blow my high. I watched as you flirted with at least 2 girls in the 15 steps it took you to walk over to me and not even offer a drink; I wasn't offended by this gesture of frugality though, as my thirst had already been well quenched many times over.

What I was offended by, however, was your obnoxious friend (be this a lesson about the company you keep) and a comment that he made to another male standing at the bar" "Haha, you should've bagged her when you got a chance but not my Boy's about to hit that...lost your chance." Did he just say chance, as though I was a target to be acquired? And did you just nod in tipsy affirmation like I would give you sex because you successfully wooed me and not just because I like to fuck? Bad judgement fellas.

I play the dumb blonde role as you caress the nape of my neck and begin to devour my face like a sex starved teenager...all within 5 minutes of me attempting to walk to the bathroom...yes, within five minutes of me attempting to go to the bathroom and wash the thick load of semen out of my mouth from the guy I had just blown in the storage area, who might I add was much hotter than you. I let you passionately kiss me and think that you were gonna get some, all the while swishing another man's still warm semen and my own saliva back in forth like a Listerine gargle. I enjoyed this. You see, the guy with the girlfriend who I blew in the storage area and left stuck paying my bar tab....I made him my bitch...but this was something even better...this was making you call me daddy.

Sucker.

-M.K.

Show: And that, my female friends, is how you write a Pin # post! Yo go girl.

Tako: Swag.

Wja3: Smh.

C4: Loss for words.

Thoughts?

Pin Number #2153

And the perilously poignant yet perpetually pleasing Pin number posts are poised for a prominent placement at the Nappyheaded podium. You've been warned.

**New readers: Pin number posts consists of Show or Tako, as C4 and Wja3 are much less mean-spirited, using a girl's area code + the last digit of their phone number to determine her "pin." Next, an embarrassing, funny or outright fu*ked up story is told corresponding to the pin. The funny part is that no one know's it is you, but you......

Pin #2153

We all know men are dogs...at least until a certain age when they grow up and become lazy dogs, too tired to chase the cat, or smart dogs tired of getting scratched by the cat and ending up outside in the cold, cloistered "dog house."




What you may or may not know about men, however, is that like dogs, we are somewhat color blind; Whereas most humans see in 3 primary colors, dogs see in 2, thanks to having a less cellularly complex retina. Now....add to this the fact that dogs don't drink beer and cant get drunk, while men, take full advantage of both. This takes us from chromatically impaired and colorblind, to just plain blind.

Keeping this in mind, one would think that the two primary identifiers men would see once the powers of their simplified retina were diminished by alcohol consumption would be "hot girl" and "not hot girl." This is incorrect. As is shown through the example of Pin #2153, the only distinguishing identifiers after a night of 4Loko are the primary identifiers of "pus*y" and "more pus*y."

Tako: And that, my friends, is keeping it real.

Show: For a man who isnt true to himself will only walk through life in a nebulous haze, being tricked by golddiggers transvisties.

Wja3: Wise words from a decent man.

C4: Story, please....

So it was late, Miss #2153, and though you weren't my first choice, i had drunkenly decided that you would do. Me, I normally prefer prime rib, but when you're hungry, any fat laden end cut will do. A nice rump roast with cushioning will do...at this point you cant see anyway, only feel.

Seeing as how you'd never met my friends I figured a 3 am visit was fine; Noone was waiting to meet you, and everyone was already so wasted that by the time you walked in looking like a frumpy troll with a nice donkey booty, they thought it was OK to sing that song from Always Sunny in Philadelphia "You gotta pay the troll toll." 4 Loko will make you act like an ass...no pun intended.

Sadly for you, but awesome for my di*k, a much hotter girl who had only heard of me from my mixtapes showed up at the house around the same time. Being a super hot college freak she whispered in my ear that she wanted to take me upstairs. Did it matter that she was hotter than you? Absolutely not. That just meant that she got to go first.

Caveman: Have you lost your mind, this hot girl wants to do you and you're running around with this troll! Snap out of it.

Tako: LMAOOOOOO

Show: LMAOOOOOO

More pus*y is always better than less, so I do what any self respecting perv would do. Reached in your purse while you weren't looking and stole the condoms I told you to bring. Next i proceeded to suggest we get freaky and that you give me the condoms.

Troll-be Bryant: Oh fu*k, I must've left them home.

It's wasn't that dark so i figured a walk alone to the Wawa would be fine for a twenty something year old troll, you were from under the bridge anyway! I hear its rough down there. Once you left, with me screaming out the door "get some Doritos too", I proceed to bang college hottie's brains out for a few hours.

Caveman: What'd you say? Where's Show and Tako? Ummmmm. I don't know.

About 2 hours of beerpong later (for you) and 2 hours of fellatio and slamdancing for me, i emerge from upstairs and say, oh hey...sorry I passed out. College hottie leaves and you proceed to tell me that my friends were worried looking for me. I shrug my shoulders, chug a glass of tequila and ask "did u ever get those condoms?"

We proceed to bang on the back porch steps just because i wanted everyone to know I pulled this one off.

Men are dogs.

Raise the "roof."

-Bros