Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Why Jay Z is the Man: He never really got Beyonce pregnant

I know what a lot of yall are going to say before you even say it..."Stop hating!", "Dont make fun of a newborn" , "Let them live", "Anyone can make a beautiful baby with Beyonce" yada yada yada.

Man, f*ck all that.

America pulled the wool over our eyes with the whole moon landing thing but I will not let them insult my intelligence any further. As a matter of fact, If I didn't want to believe that Obama was president O.G super-ni**a, I might doubt the Bin Laden thing too. What? You expect me to believe that at a time when we couldn't even create email, iphones or solve domestic homelessness problems we were able to break the atmospheric barrier and land on an oxygen depleted planet? Have you ever heard of the words "photo shopped?"

Anyway, back to Blue Ivy Carter.

1.) If B was so pregnant why was this whole mystery of the baby bump coming and going always popping up. I aint never seen a pregnant heifer dancing and still looking trim, slim and light skinned. I seem to remember skinny pregnant lightskinned hoes looking like stick figures who swallowed meatballs and had sleep deprived raccoon eyes. Maybe being rich would've solved that last problem, but not the first. Also, noone ever questioned Mariah's pregnancy and she was like 48 years old...lol. You know why? Because she was actually pregnant.

We never saw Beyonce's boobs get bigger.

2.) The fu*king baby looks Chinese. Asian. Like the people who make that delicious pork fried rice and egg rolls. Kinda like beyonce walked into Wah Chun Chinese restaurant in the hood and said lemme get 4 wings fried hard, rice with no vegetables and a baby...but keep it on the low.

Tako: Lies....That baby look Mexican. That's all I'm gonna say about little Azul Ivy-Cezar Chavez Carter. I bet she can Box.

Wja3: Yall are gossiping like some basketball wives.

Show: Shaddddup. You're the only one who can name the basketball wives....well, you and C4. LOL.

C4: Guilty.

Back to the Beyonce Hate-a-thon....It's all love though, we just wish we were the one who could have endless sex with you and not get you pregnant...Oh, well, guess thats "Young" Hov's job. Lol.

So they baby looks Chinese and Beyonce was so Vain that she couldn't even allow the photographers to take a picture of her looking anything less than gorgeous. I mean at least sell this fake pregnancy ma! I've seen pregnant mothers in movies not look this spectacular...Actually, I'm sure someone mentioned it to her and she was like "Wait what? Oh hell no, I gotta look good... cause I'ma-a-Diva, Imma immma a-Diva."

Matter of fact, I dont think its a coincidence that she came out with the baby pics a week before the real queen of Woman-power anthems, Whitney Houston, kicked the bucket. Who knows, maybe she's gonna start jacking all Whitney's lines (No drug pun intended, its too soon) kinda like her husband did to the late, great B.I.G. Whitney Houston dies and Beyone comes strollin in with her little asian babydoll...assuming that is a real baby and not a dirty bomb. Guess Hov really taught her how to "watch the throne."

Tako:I'm sorry, did you lowkey just accuse beyonce of trying to off whitney?

Show: Hell, Ive never heard the baby cry...how do I know its real.

C4: You guys have lost your minds...officially.

3.) I know why Beyonce faked her pregnancy...it's because her husband is a big, black rapper. Now I don't say that to be offensive. If i wanted to be offensive, I'd show you this:

C4: LMFAOOOOOOOOO. I'm Done son!!

The reason I bring this up is because it highlights one of many problems we have as black men in society. Jay-Z, was born and raised in a culture of machismo where the "hardest" individuals prospered, got the girls and assumed bragging rights. Showing feelings, being affectionate, offering kinds words and gestures....those were all perceived as signs of weakness. Fortunately for Jay Z, he was able to thrive in this culture via his hustlers ambition and make a killing both in the crack game, and in the rap game which praises the well penned-misogynistic odes to street violence past. Unfortunately for Jay, he's not Peter Pan, meaning neverland disappeared with Michael Jackson and he does indeed have to become a grown-up.

What then happens in a culture of Machismo and smackin bi*ches on the booty, when you can no longer stake you claim as the "hardest" without a double dose of Viagra. Yup. I just went there. Jay Z is probably impotent and amidst a culture of nig*as waiting to say "Mannnn, Jay aint hittin that right" he wouldn't dare admit that he cant get his own wife pregnant. Risk the chuckles of colleagues and fans? Risk Beyone's chickenhead friends saying "you need to leave old limp di*k mongomery burns Hov and fu*k with Ray J?" Hell No. He's Jay fuc*ing Z. What does he do? He says, "Aiyo B...we aint adopting shit. You're gonna fake this pregnancy cause I'm the man."

She did it.

And that's why Hov's the man.