Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Why the Caged Bird(s) Sing...



 Let me first state that by caged birds I mean hoes. lol.

 In 1969 Maya Angelo published the first edition of her autobiography, I know why the caged bird sings, chronicling the plight of the black female and unwillingness to abandon hope despite the myriad of physical and institutional bars from behind which African Americans were forced to linger for over a century. Countless civil rights struggles and nearly 44 years later, and with the re-election of the 44th president, an African American Male, I'm still forced with the task of trying to decipher if we as Black people every truly understood her message. 2012 is upon us and yes, the Cage bird is still singing....but that b*tch is singing the Ratchet renditions of Chief Keef, completely oblivious to the fact that she's just another Black Girl Lost promoting her own self destruction and doing a tip drill atop her former self worth.




Tako: OK Nas.

C4: Didn't you tell your cousin "F**k You" to his face last week when he said you need to curb your use of the b-word?

Wja3: Hear him out fellas.

F**k it .
Since yall refuse to let me sugar coat it for the hoes, I'm gonna re-name this Blog what I should've named it from the first place. "The Cage Birds are singin, but they need to shut their ignorant assess the f**k up!!"



Tako: Yeah boy! Talk that Shit!!!

C4: It's Ranting time (Swizz Beatz voice).

At the risk of sounding preachy I will say that there was a time where all our ancestors had were the old negro spirituals to vocalize their hope for a better day as they tirelessly slaved in the fields, were belittled in the streets and were treated like less than humans on a daily basis. Nowadays these spirituals have been replaced with melodic odes to the conditions which we claim to hate so much. Can you imagine slaves in the field singin " my nigg*as love cotton, yea we pickin cotton.....field nig*as rockin', house nig*as rockin!! (In my Chief Keef Voice). Hell no you couldn't. Nevertheless, Rappers nowadays do the modern day equivalent, and we jam our heads and shake our tittys to it every day. Why do we indulge in something so harmful? Because it's actually less harmful to view the harsh reality as a joke or a catchy distraction than to deal with it face to face and risk having our spirits crushed. This explains a lot, right?



Take for example the modern day chicken head. Remember we used to use that word? Well these birds have built a giant nest on Twitter, and used a site called Instigram to lure more into that nest, where they all collectively sing keisha cole man-hating anthems and Beyonce inspired independent womanisms despite their dependence on state aid. Can't knock them though. Their spirits shall not be broken. They will not be hushed! They will scream about their plight, bash no good ni**as and try to attract better ones all by singing about how good they cook clean and give head. They're singing....but the words are wrong and the melody out of key. The pitch is too fast and if they were to slow their role they may realize that yes, there is hope out there....but it doesn't consist of being a basketball wife (ahemmm jumpoff) or instigram model.




 It consists of doing things to make themselves and their people better, not catering to the lowest common denominator of "things that would get Stevie J to spend a stack on me." Creating an online life or striving for the title "biggest collection of fake LV bags" however, just might be better than the realization that a GED won't get you that six figure job, your baby's dad is not coming back and those project walls are not bullet proof. The figurative "cages" that were Jim crow and slavery may be gone but new bars will always exist, be they the educational achievement gap, disproportionate amounts of minority teen pregnancy or a culture of "keeping up with the Jones's." We can't stop singing, but we've gotta change the song.


Sidenote: Diamond from Crime mob has lost her mind for that tattoo. See what messin with Soulja Boy will do?!!

Fellas. You are not exempt. Male birds, or "Mirds" as I will call them, are guilty of also pulling the flippantly fugazzi fifty-two fake out falsetto and singing about the wrong things! You wanna praise something? Praise God or a girl with no stretch marks and no gag reflex, not a money hungry stripper who serviced the crew or the almighty Loud pack. Now I love guns and women as much as the next man, but lets keep it 3 hunna.


Understanding that we are caged birds with clipped wings, late entrant participants in a race which was already designed with our failure in mind, we all realize that we may not always have the brightest light to look towards at the end of the tunnel. That doesn't stop us from being fly....buying jordans....trying to pull the baddest model bit*hes we possibly can and fu*k them raw. What that means, as dangerous as it sounds, is that we are on the right track. We haven't lost hope. Problem is....we're hoping for the wrong things.



We're striving to be hood rich and twitter famous instead of actually trying to secure our future. Worst part about it, is that the same people who have put us in the cage are now creating invisible force fields outside of those cages so that even once we escape, we're still trapped without realizing it. Strive to make it out the projects and cop that new Mercedes, only to be trapped by the cage of debt service, interest and default. These nig*as are sneaky b. We are still caged birds singing, only in 2012 its our captors who are making the beats and producing the songs.

Marinate on that one next time you slip on your 'Beats by "I made 100 million dollars last year and still encourage you to spend rent money on headphones you may get killed for" Dre.


Maybe Maya was right.

She does know why the caged bird sings.... and maybe its time we re-read her work so we can remember too.

-Brainiac Bros

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I was right about it!

This company is getting ready to explode!!! END OF DAY REPORT!

Trading Date: March, 4th
Company Name: Gold & GemStone Mining Inc.
Symbol to buy: GGS_M
Current price: .017
Long Term Target Price: 0.25

This Stock Is Insanely Undervalued! Watch for a Breakout!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Breaking Up With Your Barber VLOG

Ask any black man who his most serious, long-term committed relationship has ever been with, and he'll likely mention a man. This man is more important to him than any of his wifeys, mistresses, girlfriends, side pieces, jumpoffs or bitches combined (maybe because this man has a distinct hand in helping procure these female companions). No, not a pimp, cuz who is friends with an actual pimp? His barber. The barber is part stylist, part psychiatrist, one part stand-up comedian, confidant, and friend in general. Your barber can make you change your plans around HIS schedule in a way your boss never could, and reduce you damn near to tears if you can't get an appointment in time before your big weekend away, wedding, job interview or especially popping night at the club. Which is why the most traumatic breakups are between a man and his barber. There are men who will cheat on their girlfriends and sleep like a baby, but see another barber and he lies awake all night massaging his hairline. What if you run into your actual barber with a fresh cut from somebody else? The horror. Luckily your boy @C42YaDoor the nappy headed bough (shout out to Philly!) has an active imagination, and can humorously depict what that painfully awkward encounter might look like. Enjoy:

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Why you should let your man stare at that white girl





A friend of mine once said, "whenever you come back from a blog hiatus, you always push the limits of unadulterated recklessness." To that I reply, "There's no need to end a hiatus, except in cases where something really needs to be said loud and clear." Females be trippin....females be trippin (Old school Comic View Voice.)
This being said, I'm sure you've all been in this situation before.

You're with your man, significant other, jumpoff or sugar daddy and right past you walks the white girl of his dreams...actually, she could be puertorican, messican, black...whatever.... but the case in point is, she has the goods and whatever it is she's wearin...he can't stop staring (Sir Mix-a-Lot Voice.) When this occurs you can choose the head shaking approach whereupon you laugh it off in implicit disgust or the neck snapping approach where you proceed to cuss him out, pop your bublegum, pat your weave, take out your mirror backed named earrings and put some Vaseline on your face....



Wja3: You mess with too many hood chicks....

BOTH these approaches, nonetheless, are WRONG. You should PRAISE that man with the fervor of a religious zealot or newly converted jail Muslim...and Here's why.

C4: Oh Loon.....

Tako: He wasn't looking so Muslim when he knocked 40 Cal from Dipset in the head with the shovel inside that barbershop. LOL.

Wja3: Focus fellas, focus.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we Americans tend to judge, pre-judge, look down upon and compare others to ourselves. Women see other women and hastily discuss why she looks a hot mess or how desirable of a frame she has compared to your own stagnant process at the gym. In the same manner, men, as naturally competitive animals, tend to look at other men as competition. Can I beat him up? Do I dress better than him? Can he beat me up? He's corny. Fuck him b. Fuck is he looking at?

This is exactly what is wrong with America and what stops us from being human beings with moral virtue. Hate. Every man looks at every other man through the eyes of an blatant or subtle "Hater." Google the term "Ice Grill."



When men look at women, however, a different process occurs.

Due to the nature of men as hunter gatherers and primitive carnal creatures we immediately switch into "What if she and I were the last two people on earth" mode and "how could I help preserve the human race" aka smash without throwing up in my own mouth.

Essentially, 3 things happen:

1.) He notices all her good qualities.
2.) He notices the good things about all her bad qualities.
3.) He re-evaluates himself in a "if there were two men left on earth, why would she pick me" sort of way.



To quote Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of one of my favorite bands Nickelback, "Sex is always the answer, its never a question cause the answer's yes." Existing in a vacuum where your boys wouldn't find out, most men would smash anything. Women, this works in your favor. Knowing this helps you understand that the desire for monogamy is never a stage men reach, but rather a conscious decision based on love and suppressing sexual desires to make your mate happy. Of course you'd rather be smashing her and all her friends, you just dont. More importantly it means that men, never hate on women. Sure they may call you "B*tch" or "Ho" when you reject them but it's really because he's hurt at the thought that "if given two men left on earth, you'd choose the other." If you gave him nekked flicks I bet he'd still be left with a bottle of lotion and a smile.



In a world full of hate, the smile of a slightly attractive female or the booty of a radioactively fugly one can cause the ugly word and its hurtful connotations to go away, even if only for the 10 seconds it takes to glance. Looking at that white girl may even cause two unrelated, male strangers to give each other a head nod or dap as they catch each other looking at the same time. Women.... eye contact is personal, this...not so much. In the end it leads to a healthier environment where we find the good in people and encourage ourselves to be better (see above #1 and #3) and trust me ladies, you reap the benefits.








That being said, encourage your man to be positive rather than negative. Get him in the habit of praise. Let him burn through her skirt with his eyes and know that its not a reflection on what he thinks of you, because he'd look the same at anyone with woman parts.  A warm smile beats an ice grill anyday, and as long as he's looking at her during a transitory glance, you know he's thinking positive thoughts. The same way that men view masturbation as a way to clear their mind before making hasty decisions in the heat of lust, this may well be the sort of daily mind clearance needed to de-stress....and it sure beats him going to the back room of a strip club or massage parlor. Think about it...noone has ever gotten hurt  or started a fight whilst watching adult films.

Let him look.....or in the words of The Basedgod....Let that man cook.


Whoop.

-Bros

Friday, September 21, 2012

The Real....HipHop (Featuring $hamrock Yung Irish)



Anybody familiar with this Blog knows that when we started we weren't always about satirical fuckery,  half baked conspiracies and obvious jabs at racial differences. Well, I mean, we were....but we were about other shit too. We provided yall with recipes (complete with pictures of Rachel Ray's tiddays), music reviews (we let you know who's album was straight booty juice) and current events (we allowed you a way to skip Media Takeout, Worldstar and the local news by combining them all in one.) We were, for lack of a better term, "Those Nig*as."



Today we bring it back to Old School form with an interview from my man $hamrock Yung Irish of "The White Rapper Show" and "Whyte Music" fame as he continues to push his album, Money Green that dropped last week. Yup. I got a few connects. Interview got long but I kept it intact cause $ham showed a lot of growth and has a good perspective on being a rapper and at the same time realizing he's influncing an entire generation of young'ns. Buy his album even if you hate southern hiphop, cause he's a genuine dude, doing what he loves and bringing an element of moral accountability into hip hop.



Bros: $ham Fam! Whats up you tatto'ed Mutherfu*ka!? Last time I talked to you it was to get a recipe for homemade BBQ sauce....came out bomb too.

$ham: Chillin man. Grinding.

Bros: Aight, I'ma jump straight into the interview cause I know you're busy finding hoes to get buckket nekked and send pictures to us.  You know I'ma ask you some wild shit cause we can listen to the album ourselves, we're more interested in you! We want to live vicariously through you Mr. Rapstar. Hangin with 3-6, the Hypnotize Camp and shit.

So.....Almost 2 years ago I asked you the question of who was the hottest artist right now that you thought was next to blow, and you said Titty boy. Everybody laughed and said both you and I were buggin, yet now everyone and their mama is screamin “2 Chainzzzzzz.”  You’re 1/1 right now. Who’s next on your radar? And don’t say yourself. That’s biased b.


$ham: 2 Chainz was right there ready to blow and everyone kinda knew him from DTP. My new pick might take a little longer but I got my eye on Young Thug out of ATL. Super creative, got a slick Wayne feel but still original. He’s like Future, always first with the lingo which if you notice is something that works for ATL, we are always first with the lingo.

Tako: Wowzers. He look like a thug. I'm tuckin my chain in.

Bros: Aight. Onto rampant drug use. Last year seemed to be the year of “Lean” but now everybody seems to be talking about “Mollie.”  Seeing as how you’re affiliated with Lil Wyte, the 3-6 and Mr. Trippy Mane himself, what’s your take on this new craze?

$ham: I have to give my dawg Jelly Roll out of Nashville his credit because he was the 1st I ever heard rap about Molly. I got offered pure MDMA first back in 07 and I didn’t even know what Molly was when I first heard it. That being said, cool effects but not worth the health risks. Drugs don’t give me a high like success, money, taking care of fam and friends. I cant get mad at anyone making money off it, because people will buy it. But the jail time, health risks, and all the negatives not worth it anymore to me- stakes are too high.   



Bros: Thank you for dispelling that Molly myth. Its PURE MDMA you stupid fu*kers. You snort it. Those pills you are all popping are nothing more than Ecstasy, cut with the same laxatives, crack residue and household chemicals as before. **Hops off soapbox. Speaking of which, ay $ham...Do you have any idea what the fu*k is in bath salts?

$ham: Haha not at all. I actually thought people were snorting stuff you add to a bath, but I was told that was wrong. So I still don’t really know.

Bros:  I know yall like your Fila’s down in the A, because of the whole ‘Forever I Love Atlanta F.I.L.A’ thing, but what kicks are hottest to you?

$ham: I try to just rock designer but I’m horrible at keeping shoes clean so I don’t want really rock Gucci loafers or Louie or anything super expensive...Gotta have Wal Mart house shoes too, go through about 3 or 4 pairs a year.

Bros: Yall still wear Tall T’s and Long ass shorts down there?


Tako: Ridiculous!

$ham: Tako, you have LV print tatted on your arm. Shut up.

And ummm, not really as much. Andre 3000 kinda ethered those on the DJ Unk remix. You’ll still see the capris but more tailored and have camo patterns instead of big denim ones. There’s def been a trend in ATL where everyone in the hood is wearing Abercrombie , Hollister and more fitted designer clothes. I think its dope because a lot of people in the mall or business world will write off a kid on the train who is wearing baggy clothes. But when a kid walks in your store wearing Abercrombie, polo ballcap, & is covered in tattoos, you don’t know what to think ...its making people stop judging by old stereotypes. Now when you are in the mall at Phipps, you wont get followed as much by store employees because they can tell you have money. They were assuming you were tryna grab the rack and dash before.

Bros: LMAO, but so fu*king true.

So, What the f*ck was it like hanging with the insane Clown Posse and the jugaloos? We went to a concert once and it was bananas!

Tako: What a clown. 
C4: You'd smash tho.
$ham: The Gathering of the Juggalos was insane mane. I would call it a Hip-Hop Woodstock campground with a redneck twist. But the thing about it that made it so dope was that everyone was very friendly and they treat you like family. The whole motto is “We’re all family” and so you don’t really see any fights. It’s just people getting blowed out their minds on good weed, maybe some pills, alcohol and taking in all of the dope acts that ICP & Twiztid brought in. For me it was super dope because I met them on the White Rapper Show and then got to play their concert so it was full circle type shit.

Bros: The real motto....there is a lot to be learned from white people. They throw parties without shooting shit up. They do however like to go buchwild on schools and movie theaters though. Hmmmmm.

But back to black people......We all know NFL players have a tendency to do dumb shit, and after OJ, NOBODY has been presumed innocent. That being said, what’s your take on Ochocinco and Evelyn? Did he do it? does it matter? LOL.


Wja3: The real crime is in the wearing of that Leisure suit larry looking tuxedo coat.

Tako: Nah, the crime is not diligently following the "Laws of Latinas." The rules can't be altered. You got caught cheating, you gotta take the blade. Clean your cuts with peroxide, give her some good D and you re back to where you started. He's from Miami Dade. He should know better.


$ham: My heart goes out to Chad because no matter what he can’t shake that tag. It was a situation that no matter what point it got to he was going to be the bad guy and suffer the consequences. So now it’s going to be a long journey for him to get back but if Michael Vick can redeem himself, so can Chad but it has to be sincere. You can hear it in Vick’s voice that everything he went through, he has truly come out on the other side. On my new album I have a line where I say “I Mike Vick my competition” which I said to mean that you can put me through anything and I will come back stronger and more resilient. I hope Chad focuses on everything he has at stake and puts away the entertainment part for a sec because TO never really did that to me. Vick did and now he still has a career. Chad can be Vick or TO, we will see.


 Bros: Are mixtapes a good thing for the industry? Also, when you gonna get Persia on one of yours, I wanna see the ATL meets NYC thing mash up.

$ham: I think the power of mixtapes cant be denied because it is a way for artists to completely circumvent major labels and get on without their help entirely. You got be on the shelf at your major label, but 2 years of great mixtapes will get you on by yourself. You could be in a transition in your career and mixtapes will keep you alive to your wins. You could be a new artist and that amazing 1st mixtape could start a bidding war like Chief Keef! I actually sent Persia a record to jump on the “Money Green” LP that comes out in September, but I guess the timing was off for her recording. She is super dope and I think mixtapes will be very key in helping her take off.

Bros: Persia seems mad cool though we haven't met up yet, I scream at her once in a while. And Keef?! I love his little non-rappin ignorant ass. Too bad the culture he represents is gonna turn Chicago into Lil Hati X Iraq.

Bros: Many people don’t know you’re a dope chef, as is another Dope emcee outa Queens….Action Bronson, and another out of your Camp, DJ Paul. Who would win in a cook-off?

$ham: I think Paul wins on the grilling/bar-be-que hands down, without question. DJ Paul’s new bbq sauce and seasonings are fire to cook with. Action would prob win on some gourmet, true culinary shit. My lane is just making the food that my Mom taught me so I would be able to cook for me and my sister. I make Southern food like meatloaf, mac n cheese, deviled eggs, cheesy rice broccoli casserole, steaks, green bean casserole, baked ziti, shrimp pasta, I got a crazy glaze for my Salmon that I pan fry. So I get down always but my lane is more kinda everyday food that’s off the chain because I learned from the very best.

Fuck Im hungry. Shouts out to real hip hop. Support it. Buy Albums. Keep the Culture Alive.







-Bros



Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Everything I needed to know about Hoodrats


Remember those old framed posters you would see with the apple that said "All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten" that talked about sharing and caring and shit? Well that's a good place to start. Now I know a lot of you traded study hall for section 8 a long time ago, or rocked your last cap and gown before you even had fully grown titties, but we can at least agree that pretty much all of us went to Kindergarten.



This simple, absolute fact begs me to ask the question of "what has changed between now and kindergarten, when everyone seemed pretty much eachothers' equal , that now people of different races and social classes have begun acting like they were born on different planets?" Is it the cycle of poverty and even worse, cycle of uneducated parents failing to want better for their kids? Sure. Is it a culture which favors the rich and offers the poor a crutch to lean on rather than a stepping stone to financial improvement? You betcha. Is it the lack of positive male role models and the normalizing of the single parent household? Yes sir.  It is all of these things....AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! (Future voice). Fortunately for you all, this is not a social work blog and we're choosing to focus on a more interesting and smaller, albeit important contributing factor which has "made us the way we are." Music my nig*a....Music.

Music is one of the primary reasons white people and black people are so different, and why we like different types of women. I've never heard Toby Kieth or Billy Ray Cirus talk about a fat ass or how bands a make her dance. Just like I never heard a rap song say, I want a trailer park queen and a bottle of Jim beam. This being said.....

 

Everything I needed to know about Hoodrats, I learned from 3-6 Mafia...and Project Pat


1. Last 2 Walk:

You ever hear the expression "don't keep a circle full of squares?" Well in the urban vernacular, this translates to a steadfast decision that the ones closest to you shall be treated like family, and the rest should simply be kept at bey. One of 3-6 Mafia's last albums, entitled "Last 2 Walk" symbolized just this same mantra of "keep your friends close and enemies the fu*k from round you." The 3-6 essentially started with 2 members Juicy J and Dj Paul (because noone remembers koopsta Knicca), added two more, (Gangsta Boo & Crunchy Black) and eventually ended up with just 2...Juicy and Paul...It's usually the homies you've known the longest that you can trust to stick by your side.


To the victors go the spoils...and white women....


2. It's Hard out here for a pimp:

Yeah I'm sure you remember Terance "The Perm" Howard's high yellow ass singin this after he got beat up by punk ass Ludacris in Hustle and flow, but it was actually the 3-6 Mafia who penned this ode to the peddaling of flesh. The opening chorus "You know it's hard out here for a pimp, when he's gotta make the money for the rent, and when the Cadillacs and Gas money spent, they're be a whole lotta bi*ches jumpin ship" is one of the most definitive moments of Rean Nig*a shit ever to be put on wax. 3-6 Taught us that at some point in our adult life we will have to hustle to make ends meet, and that we should be prepared for fairweather friends to disappear once times get hard...



3. Lemme See Your Tongue Ring:


Chris rock said it best. "If a girl has a tongue ring, she'll probably suck your di*k." 3-6 said it first. Pretty self explainatory. . In the words of 3-6, she will "Slob on your knob, like Corn on the cob." I learned that in highschool, ironically aroud the same time I started listening to 3-6, and no girl I've met since then has ever dispelled the myth. To make things even better, the Mafia not only taught us about getting our nuts licked, a$$ eaten and knob slobbed, they made talking about it in a crude yet brash manner acceptible because it was funny. It was like hoes would say "OMG, LOL. Corn on the cob. What a funny analogy!" without even realizing that your jolly green giant was half way down her esophogus. LOL.I actually have a new theory that the physiochemical properties of semen are somehow magnetically structured with a charge that aligns toward metal objects. If she has a tongue ring she usually swallows. Now get this, with the new generation of Lil Wayne faced girls getting these new metal moles, lip, eyebrow and other facial piercings, I am inclined to assume that these women must also like sporatic spluges of semi warm seminal splashes all up in their grill. Girls with tongue rings are always freaks




4. Don't Save Her:

We've all heard the term 'Captain Save-a-Hoe' before, though some of us choose to ignore it and break out our cape at the strip club every week. Project Pattttt-ah let us know "Don't save her...She don't wanna be saved!" and he was probably telling the truth. In knowing a lot of strippers and hookers, mainly the ones Caveman dated for that year we refer to as "the Dark Period" I've learned that they like the life. Sleeping till 4 pm, doing drugs, having sex and getting paid.... No other job offers those kids of benefits. Even regular girls don't want to be saved, be it from a life of rachetness, a cheating or abusive man, or a life of mediocrity. She may pretend like she wants to be saved, but in the end she will chicken out and resort to her old ways. I've been there, offered to move a girl in with her child...but her fear of responsibility and expectations was greater than her fear of living check to check and in tenement housing. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Remember, be it for fear of not being able to measure up once outside of their comfortable enviornment, or lack of desire to change their current situation, you can't rescue someone from a place that they like being in...one mans poverty is a rachet hoe's paradise.




5. Bands a make her dance:

This recently penned song by the Juice man reminds me that as long as your money is green, you can show up in an urban strip club with a KKK hood on and nobody would notice. Shit, no offense, but money made us go for about 10 years without noticing DJ Paul only had 1 hand! Bands most certainily will make her dance, and upon hearing such I automatically think of the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiasi's old saying "Everyone has a price...everyone can be bought." Sounds crazy, but I'm sure there's a price point for everything. Preemtive pause. Moral of the story is, women love money. With money you can Tear da Club up, pop your collar while sippin on some sizzurp and pull any "whoop whoop" Chickenhead that you want. Yes, Bands it is. ***Commences to throw.  



Shouts to my homie Obama & the folks who did they thing at the DNC .They got them racks shawty.

-Bros

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Leader of the Free World Pt. 1: R. Kelly (1993-2003)

Merriam Webster's dictionary describes the term Decadence as " behavior that shows low morals and a great love of pleasure, money, fame, etc." Exemplified by the lifestyle and architecture of the French Renaissance period during the late 1400's -early 1600's, one can easily see that opulence was at an all time high, no expenses were spared and, for lack of a better term..."Ni**as were blowin the bread." The money flowed, Renaissance hoes loosened their chastity belts and popped that Pu**y for a medieval goon and people did whatever the fu*k they pleased in a hedonistic, "Rihanna-Dashia-Lohan"-esque fashion. King Francis I and Henry II ran the world, and this is how they liked it.






Fast forward nearly 4 centuries and we see the same thing happening all over again. Sure the players and demographics change, but the rules remain the same. Spend, Spend Spend. Only difference was that in the 1600's peasants didn't have credit cards with which they could rack up debt, and readily available teenage girls with impressionable minds and fertile bodies. The year is 1993, and the world was changing at the hands of one man....R.Kelly. This nig*a caused more change than Obama and still held 2/3 majority of the popular vote. Even our grandmas loved Kellz. Happpppy Pe-op-leeeeeeeeee.


Prior to R. Kelly going solo in 92', he put out a nice wholesome album with public announcement, entitled Born into the 90's...little did we know that he was actually making reference to how he likes his women. R&B and new jack swing were in full effect and the album's hits "shes got that vibe" and "honey love" fared well in a landscape dominated by powerful love songs and R & B ballads like Jodeci's album, Forever my lady. All was well in the world. People made "baby making music" without using the F word.


Then Kellz went solo. He lost his mind, and so did the rest of the world.


With his 1st Solo album, 12 play, Kellz made reference to sex from the jump. Fu*k foreplay we gonna do this shit 3x bigger. We were forewarned.  Seems like you're ready, bump & grind, I like the crotch on you and sex me were some of the albums hits. We were used to this type of filth coming from rappers, but not singers! Nevertheless, it was kinda cool...so the world embraced it. Out the window went the social taboo of singing about fuc*king. Radios played it. Kids heard it. Teenage pregnancy remained at a high rate.



By 1994, Kellz had married his 15 year old protege Alliyah (Oh don't act like yall forgot that) and put out her album, "Age aint nothin but a number" with him creepily lurking on the albums cover.


Now while Woody Allen had done some foul stuff like this in the past, we had never seen a black man do such an act so brazenly and publicly....as if....well, as if nothing was wrong with it.

 Perhaps because it was so brazen, no one even questioned it and actually acted surprised when Kellz got caught peeing on a 13 year old. It was so accepted that other people started doing it. FAM. Don't act like you dont remember guys driving to your middle school picking up girls and them thinking you were a hater for saying "that old nig*a only wants to fu*k." As always, the same line was to follow..."He's not like the other guys, and he thinks I'm mature for my age." Yup. Kellz probably said that to Aliyah too.

FYI between R.Kelly's "Downlow / You remind me of my Jeep" Album coming out and 2002, statutory rape levels remained at an average of 16%, for minority teens meaning almost 2 out of every 10 girls had had their 1st sexual experience with a man more than 4 years older. Smh.



By 95 everybody pretty much said fu*k it. People were living that YOLO lifestyle before Drake made it gay and popular. Brenda's got a baby taught us that if we didnt have the 250 for the abortion we could "wrap the baby up and throw it in a trash heap." Websters dictionary was on its way to making bling-bling an actual word, and Lil Wayne and B.G. told us it was OK to spend our rent money on jewelry AND rock 2 watches at the same damn time. Sheeeeeit, even Jodeci, the "It" band of the time, said Fu*k this "Forever my Lady" shit and named their 3rd album "The show, the afterparty, the Hotel." Well alrightttty then.



R&B dudes aint supposed to look like this. See what you started Kellz!

By 2002 not only was everyone self indulging and spending money they didn't have, thanks to rushcards, visa and American express, but they were also doing Ecstasy like pop rocks. Ja rule furthered the craze with the song "Ecstasy" off his 2001 Pain is Love album, and encouraged everyone to be "livin it up." The bubble was inflated. Kellz was the king of R & B. Little bitc*es were fu*king. Everyone was popping mo. We thought it would never end.....

And then it did.


R.Kelly's hedonistic tendencies got the best of him and he confused a little girl for a urinal, and himself for Brian pumper. Around the same time, Ja rule's Ecstasy craze was abruptly ended by none other than the party killer turned party starter, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson.


With the ethe-ring of Ja Rules career came a dark new era of Gangsta-ism as 50 reminded us that no matter how much money we spent, some goon with a gun could take it and no matter how drunk and fu*ked up we got, a big muscular black man was lurking in the shadows. Sure, we could still have fun....but it wasn't the same. Fif reminded us not to let a mindframe clouded by drugs and opulence let us forget we were still in a dangerous society full of peopl like the old him. Kellz was too busy on trial to be running shit as his reign came to an end. Teen pregnancy rates started to decline, and Kellz started to do damage control.

By 2004, R. Kelly had put out a gospel album and Ja rule was doing Bar Mitzvahs. Nuff said.

Let these uppity yuppies tell you hip hop hasn't shaped the world if you want to. You and I know the truth. Kellz, while I can;t say you did an entirely responsible and good job of shaping the free world, I cannot deny your importance and influence....and for that.....I wont encourage any young girls to come out of the woodwork pressing additional charges. Whoop.

-Bros