Tuesday, November 22, 2011

HOcery Shopping: A Relationship Post

In its most basic, simplest, no frills form, hollering at hoes is no different that grocery shopping and procuring the ingredients for a particular meal. When I use the term "hoes," I do not mean to imply that your significant other is a ho, though she very well might be, I use the word as a generic misogynistic term in an all too common hood colloquialism.

"Holler at hoes" sounds a lot cooler than "engaging in a monologue of pleasantries aimed at the opposite sex.

On with the post!

Buying your food:

This is the equivalent of finding a girlfriend. You're searching for the perfect combination of ingredients... maybe you like you squash yellow, maybe you don't like rice with your beans....it's all up to you. Important thing to note is that this is the time during a relationship where your mate will be most "picky."

People will, to the best of their ability, obtain exactly what it is they want...or at the very least, a store brand equivalent or best available substitute. Want Cocoa Puffs but they're sold out or too expensive? Buy Chocolate puffs....same shit. No more D cupped cuties? Take the C.

Everyone will have varying tastes, however, certain things are a given. Fresh foods have a shelf life (no one wants the week old salmon or the 37 year old in House of Dereon Jeans) AND no one wants rotten yams. There is far enough fresh food to go around, however certain circumstances may arise which lead to bending of the rules...You'd take a dented can of lobster meat over a fresh can of canned tuna. Exactly. This is why people choose video vixens who've been ran through by multiple celebrities...they're just that mf'n tempting. Also, leave you carriage unattended and someone will take it...even in the grocery store, nigas aint shit.

Cooking the food:

You're done being picky...This is no hometown buffet or family style restaurant and you do not have to share. These are your yams, spinach and Cornish hens!! This is the equivalent of having a fiance. You've committed to a particular "meal" and now its time to show your skills in the kitchen. Since the moment you proposed and threw that 1st pot on the stove, your aim was to impress. You are enamoured with your mate, your "appetite" is at an all time high and you are showing off.

Every day you bring her breakfast in bed, midnight snacks, and midday lunch because you're still in the twilight phase. You want to impress her even when there's noone around to see her be impressed. You actually care about the aesthetics of the food and everything looking nice. No more chain restaurants for her....fu*k the cheesecake factory, you makin cheesecake from scratch son. You're feelin her like the boys at Penn State.......feel the effects of the recent national tragedy at their famed institution.

Show: What? Lol

Wja3: -___- You're pushin it.

Congrats on making it this far by the way. The dinner's cooked and your ho is doing the dishes. I mean of course she is...if she didnt know her role you wouldn't be marrying her. JK, JK. Chilll.


Eating or "consuming" your food, is not so surprisingly related to the final act of becoming one known as the "Consummation (see the play on words there?) of marriage." You were picky enough to choose her, smart enough to wine and dine her and now....now you're pretty much eating to stay alive (especially if she's Latina...LOL.) "Dinner" is no longer a special occasion but more a commonplace routine which replay's daily. Will you be pissed if there's no dinner? you bet. But will you also look at the plates of others and say "damn, I could go for some candied yams...tired of these rice and beans."

In addition to losing your fervor for food, you begin to lose motivation which leads to the food going directly to your gut. You get fat as do most married people. Sorry, its the truth.

This is the "it's whatever" phase. You stop asking whats for dinner because you don't really care and know that tonight's dinner will Be served with a side of "neck snapping attitude" same as always. You quit trying to impress he with your culinary flare because she keeps showing up to the restaurant in Headwraps and pajama pants...or that furry....ugly...pink...fucking...robe.

A vicious cycle of "She doest give a shit so I shall proceed to not give 2 fucks" is initiated and continues all for lack of communication.

At this point you are faced with 2 options and 2 options only.


You can Fast, and say fuck eating aka "fuck you bitch / Bitch ass nigga, I want a divorce."


Or you can agree to fixed those unhealthy eating habits and get back in the habit of making, healthy, fancy gourmet meals.

I opt for the latter. Never stop trying to impress your girl, spouse or bootycall. Chef, steak, knife, cook. Stay fancy my friends...stay fancy.

-Chef Rocka

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Drakavelli Shakur

"If sensitive niggas wear their hearts on their sleeve, well then Drake wears his on the sleeve of a cozy Lane Bryant blouse, forever rebelling against the old adage that big girls don't cry."


Tako: An now we present to you, an hour of Drake Slander Courtesy of Showrock.

Show: Nope, not at all. Kindly shut the fu*k up and allow me to articulate my point.

Earlier this week Drake dropped an album, which for the most part, is pretty good. Although I can admit that on first listen I wanted to fling that touchy feely bullshit out the window, I can honestly say that after a week (I had the bootleg) it definitely grew on me. No, its not a "hard", "Gangsta" or "Street" Album, (and honestly, I've heard Jodeci albums tougher and more masculine than this), BUT the rapping is impeccable and the singing infectiously catchy. No I don't care for the subject matter, but Drake's obviously one of the best in the game and on top of that, a singing , rapping double threat. This isnt an album review though.

This is a spotlight on one song in particular which solidifies Drake as the modern day Tupac Shakur in terms of being unapologetically gangsta. Yes, I just said that the softest, most non-gangsta album of the year SHOULD give Drake the street credibility of a Tupac Shakur, and here's why.

Yes, Ive previously said Lil B was the modern day tupac in terms of "rapping with a message" and have been chastised for such, but if you look at it, in addition to the "I'm Gay" album, songs like "Heard her cry"(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgfR7LbiJmc ) about domestic violence and "I've got AIDS" showcase Lil B's ability to raise social awareness.

No other Main stream rappers are doing that though Lupe is doing his best to promote his own political agendas. Drake, however, represents the other side of Tupac. The reckless, gangsta side....and here's why.

Marvin's room is the "Hit em up" for haters. It is the ex-boyfriend scorned, bitch ass nigga song of the last 100 centuries. It empowers all the sensitive, hateful men of the world to break EVERY MAN LAW in life and attempt to reconcile with their ex. For promoting such a bold and taboo agenda, Mr. Drake, I salute you....I don't co-sign...but I salute.

Man Law # 1: Don't call your Ex... (Especially don't call her singing).

Man Law #2: Don't Speak another man's name...or do dirt in his home.

Man Law #3: Have pride (pause).

In 1 line Drizzy Drake manages to break all these rules like a Kardasian Hymen, crooning "Fuck that nigaaaaaaa that you found, cause since you picked up I know he's not around..."

Wow, not only did he mention dude, his soft ass said "fuck him. I'm better, and you know it or you wouldn't have answered the call." Bold yet brilliant. This is the proverbial "That's why I fu*ked you Bi*ch you fat muthafuc*a." No shame.

Playing on the sensitive nature of women, placing reasonable doubt upon the "love she's found" and probably already was not 100% confident in, stroking her figurative clitoris with the subtle cadences of an R and B song, we almost forget that Marvins room = the hit em up of Cockblocking...sorta how people praise hit em up as one of the greatest diss songs ever and forget the fact that it details a real life situation in which someones wive and soul-mate got the sh*t FU*KED out of her. That's gotta sting.

This being said, Drake knew that he would make an enemy of all decent men, and all non-insecure women, but he chose to make those enemies, carefully penning his unabashed ode to hate with the precision of a solider writing love letters to his wartime bride. While most female friendly American Rap-singers (see Ja Rule, 50 Cent, Mos Def) remained neutral like the US during the beginning of WWII, Drake quickly aligns himself the "allied" powers of hate, reminding us that he is indeed Canadian...and the King of knocking his ex's newest relationship right off the "Axis" until its shattered into a million little pieces.

Tako: Clever

Fellas, with this type of hate festering on our radio airwaves it's no wonder the world has become one of less virtue and temperance. Listening to Drake is dangerous as was listening to Pac. Well groomed with a pearly white smile (Pause) Pac won his way into your mama and grandmas living room with the "keep ya head ups" of the world disguising the fact that if angered, he might "fuck yo bi*ch."

Drake does the same, electric sliding across the plastic covers of your mom's couch in a 4 button cardigan, but is more dangerous in that he ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT HE LOVES HIS EX AND CAN MAKE HER FORGET THEIR TROUBLED PAST, HIS PAST FUCK UPS AND GENERAL BAD BEHAVIOR!

Yes, niggas and niggettes. You don't SING this type of hate unless you truly believe it! And This!!!! THIS!!!! This is the Dr. Martin Luther King, I have a Dream Speech of hate. Biggest problem still, isnt that Drake is hating with a Victoria's secret Pink Bandanna tied to the front and a "hug Life Tattoo", and that women....emotionally attached creatures that they are....believe this shit. Enter the cycle of make-ups to break ups which prevent her from arriving at the doorstep of Mr. Right without notoriously B.I.G amounts of baggage.

Youve been warned. Tupac Lives.

***Goes and listens to Ray J


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Occupy Wall Street: Nappyheaded Translation

"As are most things in this world not related to pus*y, This is about money..." -Rocka

Sooooooo. Jay'z Was spotted wearing an "Occupy All Streets" T-shirt and the powers that be reprimanded him for taking monetary advantage of arguably one of the most prolific movements of the century? Hmmmmm. I think they just didn't want Black people, especially entertainers associated with the movement. This sort of bandwagon-ism could undermine the movement. I get the intent, but they're idiots for not taking advantage of him taking advantage of the situation. Dig me? They should've exploited the star power of someone like Jay-Z and the vast audience he could bring to the movement. This isnt about elitism, its about staging a mass movement...the more people the better right?

That wouldve rang true, except, a Rocawear spokesperson was quoted as saying:

The 'Occupy All Streets' T shirt was created in support of the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. 'Occupy All Streets' is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.

Tako: Constructive expression? Artistic? Fu*k are they talking about ?!!

C4: They probably had bleek running that ad campaign. Lol.

Wja3: LMAO to them not monetarily supporting the movement and issuing that statement which shows they really dont know what the movement is all about. Can't be mad at young Hov though, we already knew "He's a hustla babyyyyyyyyyyyy."

Now, before you all go on Ebay finding the banned shirts and rocking them with your multi-colored dunk's and foams, let me explain to you what Occupy wallstreet is...in simple terms.

What its not:

It is not a woman dancing on top of a bull...and though I do understand the bull is a statute in the financial district representing the stock market (a "Bull Market" is one where stocks are expected to rise and people are optimistic), I do not see why this ho is dancing atop it. ..nor why they didnt pick a woman with bigger breasts as a representative of the 99%. I say this because 99% of women do not have A and B Cups.

What it is also Not:

Rocawear spokespeople made a statement about change being needed everywhere, not just on wall street. Contrary to their misinformed belief, Occupy wall street is not simply about changing things on wall street, nor are the 1% just the people who work there. Jay Z doesn't work on Wall Street, but he is DEFINITELY the 1%...no shot at Hov, just the truth.

Understand who the 1% is now? (Look above.)

What it is:

The 1% are the 1% of Americans with the highest income, usually ranging from 340,000 upwards (salaries which place many wall streeters in this bracket.) This 1% of the population earns 17% of the nation's income. If this wasnt shocking enough, think about this. The top 20% of Americans (The really rich mutherfuckas, as opposed to the 1% super bill gates rich mutherfuckas) earn 85% of the nations income. We, the bottom 80% are left to split 15% of the pie. To make matters worse, each year the Rich and really rich mutherfuckas are earning more, while our income stays the same or lessens. OCCUPY WALL STREET IS ABOUT THE DISPARITY OF WEALTH aka The rich getting richer while we do not.

Why Wall Street?:

Its symolic of rich nigga shit, that's why. Lol. Taking this a step further, though protest is legal, the police can stop you from continuing such protests in public places. For this reason the protesters used Zucotti Park, a few blocks from Wall St which is PRIVATELY OWNED, meaning the po-po couldnt kick them out. When the police did eventually manage to make protesters vacate the park it was because of "City Sanitation ordinances" stating that the park had to be cleaned. Can't outsmart the Po-Po. Ask Boosie, Max B, or OJ.

Why Now?:

There's a reason this movement has spread to 100 U.S. Cities and 1500 cities globally in November of 2011. Unsatisfied with the 2008-2009 Bailouts for many financial institutions, the employees of which comprise much of the 1%, people are finally tired of the salary gaps and division between rich and poor. Occupy protesters (well...the ones who know what they're fighting for) believe that the distribution of wealth is slowly corrupting the democratic process as the powerful players with the most money effect legislation and consequently make the rules.

Why else would the richest 1% be paying less tax than the majority of U.S Citizens? Empowered by the Egyptian uprising in Tahir Square and Spanish 15-M Movement with similar motives, the Occupy folks basically just want political measures to be in line with the common good, not the good of the richest 1%.

This is no means been an exhaustive study of the Occupy Wall Street movement but hopefully it will allow you to better understand what the fuck these niggas are talking about. One rich chick, the granddaughter of an oil tycoon and member of the 1% , Leah Hunt-Hendrix, was quoted as saying “We should acknowledge our privilege and claim the responsibilities that come with it.”

That about sums it up. With great power (or pussy) comes great responsibility.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

F'd Up Pillow Talk Pt 2...The Finale!

I don't even check how many hits I get each day anymore....that's how I know I'm becoming a real blogger and not a Twitter attention whore. LOL. I Work when I want to and blog about whatever I want to. Wow, this must be what it feels like to be white...LOL. Guess that's the beauty of doing per Diem work for free. Swag.

Shameless Plug: Follow @NappyHeadedBros on Twitter

Alas, here we stand on the ever-annoying "hump day" straining our eyes over pixelated computer monitors in the office, or squinting at our smart phone screens in between wiping elderly ass (if you're a CNA.) What better way than to start the day which catapults us into "weekend mode" than by continuing a post which contains nothing but pure fuckery and borderline absurdity.

(See shitty bloggers...That was an introduction. Pretty much no substance, but kept your attention and maybe garnered a laugh. THAT is good writing. )

On Monday I gave you the #5 and #4 most F'd up things women have said to me in bed. Here's the Top 3.

3. So Fresh and Clean

If you've ever had shower sex you know it pretty much sucks. Now showering with your girl may be the sexiest thing ever, and watching her glistening body covered in cucumber melon dove body wash as you attempt to take a leak may entice you to just jump right in like a hood girl in a double dutch tournament, but aside from rubbing your bone on her slippery booty and getting soapy kisses, its worthless.

Nevertheless, whenever a girl says get in the shower with me, you aren't thinking "wow, bed sex would be so much better without the unnecessary friction, awkward positioning and potential for a slip and fall" you're thinking "Legggggggo!" You're thinking "Swag!" You're thinking "That shi*t is sexy!!" That is, until she says "I want you to grab my titties, rub yourself all over me, then lift my leg up....and then you can shave my pus*y."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? Oh Hell Naw. Erection denied. You, ma'am, must be kindly escorted off the premises.

2. I wanna Lick You Up and Down

As if the aforementioned statement wasn't enough, I think in the same year I had another girl hit me with unparalleled recklessness in a nonchalant, "nigga why you buggin" type manner. Men watch porn, this is fact. Women use vibrators, yet dont watch as much porn as men...this is also fact. These two things being said, it makes perfect sense where men get their crazy sex fantasies from and why women, eager to be a "lady in the streets and a FREAK in the bed" do not truly understand how certain things work. Let's be more specific.

The culminating climax of any adult film is the quintessential "Money Shot," where the guy pulls out and "finishes" all over the girls face, butt or body part of choice. Women understand that this is what whores do, but that it is also the "drive him crazy" switch which they can flick within their man simply by saying "I want it all over me." With this girl, however, it was more of a case of "when keepin it freakily real goes wrong."

Girl: And when you're done pulling my hair from behind, I want you to pull it out, and turn me around....I want it all over me...all on my titties ....all on my face....and then you can lick it off.

Me: Excuse me, repeat that....wait...nah son....nah.

She then proceeds to give me some feminist speech about it not being OK to degrade women but not yourself and that it was "mine" so i should be OK with that. I'm like 1.) a Little late to be a feminist. 2.) Fuck outa here. I have no problem with gays (no homo), but THIS is wild homo.


C4: This nigga said "I have no problem with gays...no homo." I Cant with him!!

Tako: Son...How can you top that shit. I'm afraid of #1, real talk.

1. No Hands....

So, there's this big knockered white girl I know. Like really big.

Me being the type of person that I was at the time, used every available opportunity to rest my head, meat or entire body in between the E cup breast nestled on a slim 5 foot 7 inch frame...fortunately, this usually led to sex. One time though....this one time....I dont know why, but I was extremely horny. Maybe it was the top i got from her in the car....maybe it was the black lace vicky's boy shorts...who knows?! The important thing is, I was ready to rip her apart until my junk went from Wu-tang hard (pause) to Ramen noodle soft in 2.2. Why did it do this, might you ask? Well, my penis suddenly lost all semblance of life upon "Nikki Knockers" saying:

"You cant be that horny...Im sure one of your hoes or homeboys could've just given you a handjob to help you out."

Me: Hardy har har.

Wait....no...she was serious.

Nikki Knockers: I mean I dont see the big deal. Its you're friend, you wouldnt do it for your boy? Its not like gay sex or anything?

Me: You arent serious....

Nikki Knockers: I mean, it'd be better than your own hand. He wouldn't come on you or anything...you'd just start him off. My old Bf used to think it was Ok....Its what guys do...maybe YOU are just weird and all homophobic.

This would've been the perfect time to tell her her boyfriend pick up some gay habits during his 6 months in jail, but who am I to tell the little white children there's no Santa Claus. I pretended to be too drunk to perform, faked a phone call from a Baby mama I dont even have and dropped her off only to never be seen again. I really hope she got tested. With her man doing that kind of shit...who knows what else he was up to.



Tuesday, November 8, 2011

We chose 30 Tattoos Over CitiGroup

"I could've been a Lawyer, could've ran a city too....but chose 30 Tattoos over CitiGroup..."


As a non hypocrite I'll be the first to admit that I often fall victim to "baby mama thinking." What I mean by this is not, "thinking about having a baby mama and doing hoodrat things", but rather falling into a pattern of rationalization after the fact designed to make my decision seem valid.


Baby Mama: I live for my kids...you folks without children just wouldnt understand.

Me: Bitch you live for your kids because you had nothing else going for you so you decided to get pregnant. Now you feel accomplished? Congrats...you've brought a child into the world that you can buy jordans, initiate into a cycle of check to check living and not educate properly.

Baby Mama: My baby daddy aint shit.

Me: And his lack of employment history, drug related income, and track record of leaving his other baby mama's led you to believe he was a stand up citizen? Or was your pussy just throbbing at the thought of reduced rate section 8 housing?

Baby Mama: Ummmmmm... ***reverts back to original defense mechanism*** I live for my Kids!!!

I can admit to saying things like "I like the freedom my job affords me and value my free time over a six figure salary and grueling work hours," but maybe, just maybe I'm saying these things because I DON'T HAVE A SIX FIGURE SALARY and am an Ivy League Grad with a double masters making minimum wage, slaving over a hot desk.

I'm grinding, but its OK and I accept that. I make do with what I have and find ways to pay the bills on time, save for retirement and bag bitches. What's odd, however, is that all my friends that I see on a daily basis look up to me. They see me as someone who has made it simply because I have a steady job, house and travel a lot. Most of my friends from school, however, are Doctors and Lawyers and look at me like "oh, so you slumming it these days?"

What's the difference? Socioeconomic status....race.....quality of education? Nope. I know Penn Grads "slumming it " as well. One thing I have noticed, however, is that it is us MINORITIES who tend to have this problem.

Tako: Nigga that's race.

Show: No its not.

Back at the University of Penn being a person of color did not make you a minority...being a "regular black " person did. Everybody was Caribbean, Nigerian, Haitian or somethin! All these niggas left their native countries years ago, or left their immigrant parents houses years ago, and headed on the path towards Doctordom, Lawyerdom or Investmentbankerism. I didnt even know what the fuck an investment banker did until i graduated (don't laugh, you probably still don't know. Lol.)

So what does this mean? Blacks are lazy? People from other countries are smarter? Africans traded spears and bones for Bar exams and Scapula while we were trading our Books for tattoos and basketballs....microphones and strippers? Yep. Pretty much.

I can wholeheartedly say it is a result of a combination of factors starting with America's emphasis on rewarding the non-academic with worldly pleasures and making the words intelligent, nerd and loser all synonymous. Our Richest heroes, Kobe Bryant and Bill Gates never went to college. Our value systems have changed. People look up to rappers and get tattoos on their face and neck before learning that in a job interview these are automatic dis qualifiers.

People want to get rich quick rather than put in the hard work, and in the end, find themselves having to work twice as hard just to make ends meet.

Perhaps its the extreme poverty in many of these foreign nations which make the offspring of this cultures tend to be more focused and hardworking, similar to the way our ancestors worked to buy their own freedom. Maybe we "regular blacks " are too comfortable. Repeat that word...comfortable...It's as dangerous as AIDS.

Me myself, I made a conscious decision to remain loyal to my urban upbringing, and experience which many immigrants and descendants may not understand. I am smart, I received 1 of 13 National scholarships to attend the Best HighSchool in the U.S., I graduated cum Laude (pause) from an Ivy League School, I graduated a Double Masters with a 4.o...but, I did not want the life of boring bitches, and corny friends who could only talk about school and work. I wanted the bitches that tattoos and dreadlocks bring, yet needed the salary to buy them bottles at the club.

I have 30 something tat's all of which can be hidden by a suit...I'm no fool....

But yeah....

I chose 30 tattoos over Citigroup and would do it all again rather than be a financially stable African wearing sandals and lacking an edge-up.

Guess its the city slicker in me.