Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sly and the family Yam

There's no greater feeling in the world than getting head from a legitimately obese girl after she's had a slice of cake. Two to three slices might put her into a lazy, food induced coma or may induce a seizure as a result of her adult onset diabetes & hypertension, but one heavenly slice, will create a fire within her inner being, causing her to suck you like the intense center "eye" of a twister storm, encompassing every morsel of your loins as she attempts to suck that last little bit of cupcake frosting from in between her back molars.

That's how it was, and that's how the story's gonna start.

Tako: Awwwwwww Suky suky now. We got a good one.

Like most 21 year olds, my lil cousin Dezo didnt really look the part and without the state issued identification he inevitibly left at some slightly overweight puertorican girl's house, there was no way anyone was going to let him buy liquor...unless he went to the hood....and that shit was too far. Lucky for him, his big cousin's Chain and Show came to the rescue (mainly because we happened to be on the porch sipping 40's as though we were re-enacting a 1990's Gangsta movie shot in Sout Central), and we happened to see him drive by us, headed to his see his Gf who lived around the corner.

Tako: Bor-ringggggggggg.

So I ask his girl, turning 21, what she wanted from the Liquor store...she was having friends over and couldnt buy liquor until midnight. She replies with "Smirnoff." Cool, cool, cool.

Upon returning, 3 blog worthy things happened...

1.) Dezo got drunk off a wine cooler and attempted to fight a random hood dude, screamin "why you lookin at my girl!!!" at the top of his lungs. FYI: the dude was like 50 feet away and couldnt have been staring at anything related to us. He looked like an ant he was so far away. He approached, and me and Chain (Who's NFL big) told him to kick rocks or get jumped.

2.) Dezo's girl says "What I really want for my Bday is you both to fu*k me" and Dezo gives me the "It's cool nigga" nod.

3.) Dezo's Girl's 200+ pound sister grabs my meat and asks to see it...She had just eaten one piece of cake, and suggested I lick frosting off her F sized titties. Normally, being the type of person I am, I would have walked away....but given my penchant for doing the absurd, I indulged.

Tako: Live!!!!!!

Wja3: Son, yall are the two biggest promoters of each other....Anyway, I assume this is where the story turns for the worst.

C4: Yep. I've heard it.

Sooooooooo. After I lick the frosting and whip out the meat, Fatgirl slim tells me she'll give me head but only if I leave the door open so all her friends outside can see. I oblige. Chain cracks the fuck up and eventually he leaves while i have sex with an orca whale in the living room.

Plump-ette: Ok, you do me now....

Show: Nahhhhhh. I don believe in that. (Sidenote: Anyone who's been my girlfriend will laugh at the hilarity of that.)

After the novelty wears off I notice my phone is dead! SHIT, a cute girl or one I actually like may be trying to call me! That being said, I walked upstairs to get my phone charger only to see Dezo getting rode by his Gf with the door open, going ABSOLUTELY HAM...Like Ray J Sex Tape Ham!!!! Like, im sure girls are gonna be DM-ing me asking about him HAM. I walk around the bed, give her a firm slap on the ass and grab the charger. She hands me a beer (while riding), and i decide to sit on the bed and drink it while they fuck. Next thing you know, Puertorican Jill Scott walks in and starts giving me dome thing you know, the sisters are kissing, Im having sex with a not so fat girl with a budank a donk donk and dezo is saying, "I hope yall are step sisters." LOL.

Yes, I had sex with his girlfriend, but only because he asked me to...

Anyone who knows me knows Dezo's like a lil brother to me, and I'd do anything for him. This is just proof.

Blood is thicker than water, and Yams. Swag.


C4: Not sly at all. That was a downward spiral of wrong.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

The exploitation of the 3 temp wifeys

The NappyheadedBros Blogging team consists of myself, Tako, C4 and Wja3. Aside from that, we have affiliates such as Lefleur, Shanga, Buc Dinero, Caveman and my cousins Dezo & Chain, who tend to always be privy to the wild stories and outrageous happenings as they take place. In addition to this, they share in speaking a special vocabulary created by the Bros, from which one term in particular shall be discussed today:

The "Temp Wifey."

Short for temporary wifey, this is usually a girl whom you like to some degree, or whos services (whatever they may be) are valued to the point where you dont mind spending time with her. She is basically the fill in until you a.) find a girlfriend, b.) can afford a girlfriend or c.) get the results back from your DNA test saying that you're free and clear.

The problems with Temp wifeys, is that we never view them as a potiental mate, and by virtue of their discription, we are simply using them. Don't mistake me for going soft...the problem lies not in us using them, but in the fact that it often backfires...

Read Below.

The exploitation of the 3 temp wifeys

Some women feel the need for a relationship to "validate" their sense of self worth. Some women just like the idea of being cared for, catered to and paid excessive amounts of attention. Others still, fear being alone.

Niggas will exploit all that shit for their own sexual, social and monetary gain...and it will always backfire!

1.) The "Validate me" Hoes.

Yall are the 1 week payday loans of bi*ches.

You are an ends to a mean. We know that there's potiental for disaster here and have seen it happen 1,000,000 times, yet we feel that we are strong and mature enough to handle the situation successfully. This is the same logic that has allowed crack to remain around after 30 years despite the fact that we know NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM CRACK.

We just need some pus*y for a week or two. All my back-ups are on their period, or perhaps I'm out of town in your city. I'll lease you for a week and give you right back with a tad bit of excess money spent on interest (maybe the purchase of chineese take out and 7.99 moscatto). Next thing you know, a week turns into two and the intrest rate has quintuppled from "cheap moscatto range" to "oh my fuck, I have to pay this bitch chils support payments." She needed to have her self worth validated, you needed ass. You attempted to exploit her and she in turn exploited you. Be careful...because those who need themselves validated by others will often turn to the next logical step in obtaining an everpresent and always affirming cheerleader...they will have a baby. They exploiter has become the exploited...the hunter the hunted...the fat girl, the unguarded whopper.

2.) The "Care for me, cater to me, caress me" hoes.

You are the "upside down mortgages" of females. It's much cheaper to keep you than it is to sever ties and suffer an extreme financial loss.

Thanks to your artificial boo-lovin with this type of women with dependency issues, you have done far worse than waste money on meaningless dates manufactured with the end goal of getting ass. You have esentially created a monster. When a woman needs to be cared for, she will hop from one man to another all the while looking for the suggar daddy type male to pay her way, kill her spiders and be by her side at all times. Even if she wasn't your side ho, making money to support a dependent woman requires being out of the house to make money. She will inevitibly become upset about this and you will fight like 2 brooklyn niggas over the last Pelle Pelle Leather on earth. This situation is set up for failure.

You wanted a quick smash from a dimepiece, and you got stopped on the you're stuck satisfying your quarterlife crisis by paying a pretty penny for alimony and having nothing left but a nickel for your thoughts.

Tako: Oh, this nigga's good.

3.) The "I'm not ready to be alone" hoes

These are the hoes that will let u beat em, cheat on em and curse em out daily... Trust me tho, u don't want those "problems." while all that shit may seem fun, it'll get played out easily... Like getting on the same ride at six flags while listening to a Paris Hilton single and watching soul plane on repeat.

Fuck her and you're stuck. She'll be up your butt like a cheap thong, or a slightly aggressive jailhouse crush. Lmao.


Take heed fellas, take heed


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

2011: Dating is easier, Cheating is Harder

Sooooooo, I was thinking about this last night as I lay in bed (no homo), and......

Tako: You just no homo'd the phrase "laying in Bed." That's ridiculous.

Show: I aint want nobody conjuring up the image of me on my stomach with my feet kicked up, twirling my hair and shit. Like on some Alicia Silverstone "Clueless" little white girl on the phone shit.

Tako: Unnecessary nonetheless.

Anyway, like I was saying, yesterday's pillow talk with myself centered around the concepts of relationships and more specifically "dating." Many of you may laugh when i say "dating" because it sounds as if I'm on an old episode of saved by the bell asking Lisa Turtle to "go steady" aka lick my balls on a regular basis , rather than the modern day equivalent cop-out response of "I'm talking to someone," or "its complicated" which really means "I'm fu*king someone I dont really like enough to make my potential mate" or "i have commitment issues but like sex."

(Obeezy: Chill hoe....I aint with all that commitment ish.)

All these things aside I feel confident in making and backing up (pause) the following statement.

Wja3: It is evident that he's bringing back the unnecessary pause-no homo, a testament to his old blogging days.

Dating is a lot easier these days but cheating is hella harder.

C4: Hella? Pick a region and stick with 1 type of slang. You say hella (Cali) , Yams (Virgina), Jawn (Philly) and overuse the word Son (New York) all in one sentence!

Show: Yep, using 1 regional set of slang is straight sex (That means whack in "New Haven talk"). Im worldly.

So back to the blog.

I remember back in the days when you had to go to the mall, make eye contact and actually use what we shall call "game", but which really means "talking to girls face to face" and convincing them that they should cha cha slide you them digits. Ahhhhhh to be young. We'd ride the City bus for 45 minutes just to go to the mall, not buy shit and see who could bag the most girls numbers. Best part of this wasn't leaving the mall with a pocket full of scribbled phone numbers on crinkled up pieces of paper and a chest full of smiling pride, but rather the intense and overwhelming laughter when you witnessed your boy get shot down and dissed by the girl he approached.

It was all part of the game...and if I do say so myself, it was a difficult game.

Nowadays, one can meet a girl on facebook, text her for a few weeks and actually speak to her for the first time when you show up at her house itchin to use that magnum you just bought. I'm not knockin anybodys love life hustle, Im just saying this shit is a lot easier. This, of course, is compounded by the fact that dating is made exponentially easier in the 2011's by the fact that women have been conditioned by the media to be more materialistic, meaning "buy them fancy shit and they'll fu*k."

(Gucc: Lemme get a Lemonade for the lady...yea, supersize it. Call me supersize shawty. )

Wja3: Mysogonist.

MEN...on the other hand, have gotten also evolved to the point of "not being worth shit" so, they've stopped being chivalrous and stopped buying shit in favor of spending direct money on sex (aka the strip club) rather than dating, or as I shall call it, indirect trickin. This being said, women are so used to not having shit, when you get them shit and treat them nice, they appreciate it.

Same goes with men....

Men have become accustomed to the 1990's career focused woman, or the "I work so damn hard as a single mother that I just want to relax" types, that we've given up on the possibility of a "domestic" wife. Show up and cook for a nigga and 9/10 times you're automatically in !

Dating, therefore, becomes easier for both sexes based on the history of both sexes priming us to expect mediocrity AND the ease of technological communication.

Remember the days when long distance relationship meant buying a phone card and catching a 8 hour train ride to see your college boo? me neither. Nowadays Jet Blue flights are cheap, you can Skype that hoe and basically see her everyday, talk to her with your free long distance, text all morning and fight over email when she see's your ex flirting with you on you Facebook wall. :)
You will also know when she's available, but proceed with

This, however, brings me to my next point...Cheating.

In short, Dont do it. However, if you were gonna do it (In my OJ Simpson voice), you shouldve done it 10 years ago.

Twitter, Facebook, the ease of text messaging and skype are, intentionally or unintentionally, ways of keeping tabs on each other and giving contextual clues. You dont have to ask "whos at your house?" if you're skyping and can see noone is there. Can't reach his phone? check his Facebook.... Oh, he checked in at the gym....phew.

Want to know how pretty his female friends are and whether or not you should be worried? Check his facebook comments sections. Want to know where he was last night? Enable spouse tracker on his phone. LOL. That does exist, but I was playin, DONT DO That.

All in all, it seems as though the process of cheating has become more and more difficult as the forces which support monogamy increasingly evolve to keep up with the elusiveness of the ever present cheater. Wanna cheat still? OK. Delete FB, Twitter and all forms of social networking...and look GUILTY as all sin.

How, then, in this world which facilitates such easy interpersonal encounters yet poisons them by preying on peoples insecurities and giving them the means to "stalk each other's entire lives" on the boardwalk (Pauly D Voice), are we subbosed to get by? get-get-get by?

There's only one way...

Build trust by real dating, and keep your trusting ass out of her Internet life...Because let's be honest....any girl you trust enough to sleep with and possibly bear your child should the condom break, you SHOULD trust enough not to assume innocent co-ed conversations are the remnants or seedlings of secret sexual encounters.

Church. In the wild.