Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Julisca has AIDS...I'm just putting it out there.

Random Chickenhead: Boy, I just flew in from Miami and boy is my jaw tired.

Insert crowd sound effect: Ooooooooohhhhhh.

What up slimes and slimettes?

Wja3: Did You Really just say that? Don't give me the look like you're about to throw a hood cliche at me. Say "Stop it 5" and I'll throw this fucking Corona bottle at you.

C4: Smh.

It's your Boy Tako Tsou-Woooooo taking over the blog in the absence of my brother from another Showrockafloca. He's been off the grid for a few days but I'm sure he'll surface.

C4: Oh so you blooding now? This nigga Tako is a fuckin anomaly. Tako Tsou-Woo. Oh my fucking god.

Wja3: It's kinda clever. Lol.

Anyways, I just figured I'd offer my off brand expertise on the dangers of sex as a precursor to your wonderful Tuesday morning...aka the morning before the first time you see your "girlfriend" after her memorial day trip with her "girls." In case you can't see me, I'm making air quotes with my hands and doing the hand to mouth cock sucking gesture when I say "trip with her girls." Just thought you should know.

Now that that is out of the way, I've got a few questions for the blog readers.

How many of you would willingly sleep with a girl you KNEW had full blown AIDS? (A few years ago the answer would've been zero, but due to the recent epidemic of thirsty niggas, an approval rate of 25% wouldn't surprise me.) Yes I am aware that condoms are designed to protect against this sort of thing, but how many would willingly enter into this situation?

OK. Next question. How many of you would buy an expensive piece of jewelry from a man in the street with no credentials? You may never see this man again and he man run off with thousands of your dollars in the event that a refund or exchange may be needed.

A lot of you are saying "fuck that, how can I trust that nigga...I dont know him....shit might be fake," yet are willing to trust girls with fake tits that they've just met with something more valuable than a few hundred dollars...your life.

I'm not getting preachy, I'm just putting things in perspective...and giving you some reading material for that post Miami waiting room in the clinic. Think about it.

WHAT DO YOU REALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT SEXY GIRL YOU BANGED THIS WEEKEND? Last name? Probably not. Mom and dad's name? Doubtful. If I'm talking to females, or guys dealing with strippers, you may not even have more than a "street name / nickname." Hmmmmm.

C4: Show's not here, but I'll be him and say what he would. "Why the fuck does any of that matter if its a one night stand? (Rocka Voice).

I'll tell you why you little high yellow pretentious bastard.

C4: I'm supposed to be showrock!

Oh, Ok then...I'ma break it down for you like this my slime.

By not knowing any of this pertinent information you are breaking the google rule.

Wja3: Google Rule?

Yes, the Google Rule. Show and I instituted this rule back in 2003. Why do you think we're always googling ourselves.

C4: Vanity.

Wja3: Child support warrants? Lol.

If you dont have certain information you can't properly follow step 2 in the 3 step google test.

1.) Ask your boys if she is a known Ho, slore or morally loose girl.

2.) Gain pertinent information to Google her to make sure.

3.) If said woman is Burning, theiving or has AIDS, post it online and let it go....viral. Lol.

Wja3: Wowwwwwwwwww.

If you don't take the 10 seconds it takes to google her, then its your fault for not seeing the #7 search result for Julisca ******* from ******* street. Here's a hint. The Subject says Julisca has AIDS.

Would you still sleep with her?

Wja3: Didn't think you'd pull it off but well put Taka flocka. Are guys really airing out females like that though?

C4: It's actually doing them a favor. If they don't disclose and willingly transmit they can be charged with a Felony. And I never thought about it. You do research online for 30 minutes before you make a purchase but cant take 10 minutes to google a girl? I'm agreeing with Tak...for once.

Tako: And this is where I begin my assent to the throne. Eventually you know I'll be replacing Show as the resident voice of recklessness.

Wja3: Yeah ok....

To be continued...................


Friday, May 27, 2011

Memorial Day in M.I.A...I'll Pass

I've never hated on Mi-Yayo.

The weather is perfect (if you don't mind sweaty balls), drinks are strong (albeit overpriced), the celebrity allure is at fever pitch and the women are top notch. I have no complaints about the dade county 305, or the sunshine state in general. Just save you're money and ball out, cause it'll cost you a grip.

There's a catch, of course...and that catch is memorial day weekend.

"Going to Miami and Going to Miami during Memorial Day Weekend is like the difference between going to Catholic Mass and Going to a Black Baptist church on Easter Sunday." --Showrock

Ever think, "fuck I hate going into the grocery store on the 1st or 15th of the month?" Well, yea, you would like the Memorial Day Mia aesthetic. Let's break it down...shall we?

The Problems:

You go on Vacation to get away:

You and your friends will undoubtedly run into more people from the tri-state area squeezing into all too small beach gear, looking like sausage casings, than actual "Miami girls."

For those of you who choose to stay out of the East Coast enclaves, you will run into a.) Groupies looking for VIP, bottles and the like, AND b.) have to compete with a slew of thirsty niggas trying to do the same thing. Spend their Income tax and rent money on a night of stuntin so they can get some head or ass from a girl who's not a tranny.

You go on vacation to relax:

HOW CAN YOU RELAX WITH 1,000,000 HOODRAT HOES AND THIRSTY NIGGAS. Typically the thirst level is checked by the natural selection process of niggas running out of money. Memorial Day Miami, however, is like prom for a lotta of niggas so their 401...excuse me, 530K plans will be wilfully depleted over the course of 3 days. Excessive balling. Clubs will be packed, lines will be long, everything will be overpriced and niggas will be fighting cause somebody "scuffed your puma" (Chris Rock Reference.)

Tako: That's cause you corny. Ol' Boughetto ass nigga.

C4: Did you just make a St. Lunatics reference?

Wja3: Who?

Tako: I go on vacation to get it poppin! This is like cancun for white people! Skanky hoes everywhere! Hoodrats galore. I'm in heaven.

OK, so now I will appeal to the Tako's of the world and explain why even Memorial day in Miami isnt ideal for the Maury Girl chasers.

You go on vacation to get ass:

Now, I'm not even going to discuss the caliber of ass you may be getting, this is a quality of life issue. Problem with hood hoes is this...you will undoubtedly get hated on unless someone takes the grenade. As Memorial Day Miami is a Hub, the Atlanta Airport for lack of a better analogy, of cross country ratchetness, you will see some hot country messes as well as the typical "headscarf in public, pajama pants in the restaurant" ghetto shit we are used to on the East Coast. P.S. They always bring the annoying Gay friend.

Someones gonna have to fuck Precious cause u know them hoes are all sharing one room at the days inn. Also, they probably will waste at least an hour of your time at any given drink spot itemizing the bill and deciding who ordered the buffalo wings with gravy. Better just expect to pay the whole thing before your dick goes limp.

You go on vacation to Club Hop with the Stars:

The stars wont be waiting in that hot, swamp ass infested line with niggas in linen pants and prada sneaks getting agitated with each other. To make things worse, a.) they dont give a fuck about you and have no problem snatchin your bitches out the line and bringin em to VIP to give head to nondescript entourage members for free rose and cameraphone pics. Tis the way of the world. Had there not been so many people, or had the mayor of Miami decided NOT to let his city be turned into a HBCU for 3 days, u mightve gotten a chance at some VIP hoes. Nope. Now you get the girls who smell like avon and summers eve mixed with coochie sweat and her Uncle Rukus homegirl.

"Ol Will wonka lookin ass ho"

Also, if you do gain entrance, you'll pay top dollar, be treated like a nobody and be pissed when niggas start fighting and end your night. Damn slime, u scuffed your pradas too. Better luck tomorrow, maybe u can have some Brooklyn nigga's sloppy seconds.

Shorty Springer's Final Thought:

Don't get me wrong, I love my black people. However, here seems to be some black vacation book which only has 2 domestic destinations: Myrtle Beach and Miami, as well as 2 international: Cancun and Jamaica. You ever heard the saying "If you knew better you'd do better?" Well, yeah. We know better. Take the uneducated (at least on the topic of travel) masses, throw them in a hot ass city with scantily clad women, rappers and money and what the fuck do you think will happen? I'll tell you what. It'll explode like the powderKeg of Coon that it is.

Been there, done that, I'll pass.

Tako: Not me!


Thursday, May 26, 2011



The other day I saw a few girls getting ready for their Yale Graduation wearing the skimpiest of white, butt hugging dresses nearly exposing their hoochie coochie pink cookies in a plastic bag. I'm sure their mothers and grandmothers whom accompanied them didn't care to see their ivy league fur burgers on display and there's at least an 80% chance their fathers didn't want to see it either. I say 80 rather than 75 % because I'm sure at least 5% of the father's who've molested their daughters either a.) learned she sucked in bed and consider her a wasted felony or b.) felt so awful about it that seeing her cooch again would bring back bad memories.

Wja3: Horrible!

I say that to say this. Why do females wear short skirts? What is the overall point or intent? As males have no direct equivalent other than wearing basketball shorts so girls can see the "print" , an unacceptably gay and ridiculous looking fashion decision, I cannot offer an explanation based on experience. What I can do, however, is what I'm best at...speculate and form a conspiracy theory. :)-NH

The Facts:

1.) Some women have no problem using their sexuality to their advantage...we know why these women wear short skirts, so this is not an issue.

2.) More women complain about sexual harassment, not being taken seriously or garnering too much unwanted male attention...yet they still wear short skirts.

Why? Why mutherfucka why? I'll tell you why.

You're dressed like a slut. Lol. According to some, dressing provocatively is a sign that a certain type of attention is warranted or even WANTED. This is the same as saying a rape victim is at fault for wearing club attire on a dark street at night, and is the type of misconception that events like the "Slutwalk (google it)" try to dispel.

Do i think dressing like a stripper and being alone at night is wise knowing God damned well the world is full of weirdos? NO. As a matter of fact I will go as far as to say it is NOT WISE. Nevertheless, I get it. You're throwing a giant "F you" to the establishments which try to tell you how to display your body and what is appropriate. Theory number 1.

You're dressing sexy. Sexy. Listen to that word. Read it. Take the Y off. It IMPLIES SEX!! So you do realize that you are dressing in a manner which will elicit sexual arousal amongst others. Why dress in such a manner? I'll tell you why...to elicit a sexual response from a particular person! Depending on where you are, it may work. Problem is, you are going to have to fight your way to the jungle of horny creepers before you find your tarzan, miss Jane.

A short, sexy skirt, in addition to being a "F you" to the powers that be, is a walking Craigslist Ad. Just remember, though you seek the private fulfillment of your sexual desires by the man of your fantasies, Ads are indeed PUBLIC. Theory Number 2.

All these are good, politically correct answers but we all know that there are plenty of girls who dress conservatively, wear fitted but not "yeast-infection tight" pants, and decline from going the "air my coochie out to the world" look. These are the girls who aren't mental hoes.

C4: I knew this post was bound to turn ugly.

Yea i said it! If you wear short skirts its cause you're a mental ho! If you're old, you're desire is to elicit sexual fantasies of men, thereby letting yourself know you've "still got it", and in a world with no stigma, you'd fuck them all. If you're young, you just may fuck the first guy who fingers you on the dancefloor, or at the very least have a fantasy of a naughty bathroom fuck you'd never act upon. The things cable TV are made of.

If you're married, you wear these skirts to make your husband jealous...if you wanted simply to arouse him, you'd wear that shit in the house, not at work where he can't see it. You too have fantasies of dirty little romp with handsome young nubian gods. Pause.


Yep. Women wear short skirts cause they're hoes. They want to fuck guys (of their choosing) despite societal norms which tell them not to. It doesn't mean they deserve to be typecast, stereotyped or sexually assaulted. It does, however, mean they are hoes. Mentally. Think I'm lying? Then why does every girl dress as a "slutty something" on Halloween?

All in all, it is what it is, but it's not the end of the world. Don't feel so bad though ladies, men have it worse. We're all hoes too. We're just the physical kind.

Live, Love, Life. Ho.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

All I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Martin

No one gives a fuck about my stalled Rap career, as evinced by yesterday's blog numbers, so I'm back to blogging.

You've seen this poster, just as I'm sure you've heard white people quote the following saying: "All I really needed to know i learned in Kindergarten."

I always tend to divide things upon racial lines, but the kindergarten thing goes for black people too. Eating snacks and shitty food right before "Nap time" prepared me for a potential lifetime of poor dieting choices, hypertension and of course the dreaded" Itus." Playing games like hide and seek and duck duck goose prepared me for a lifetime of chasing hoes.

Story time taught us that we'd forever be fed fairytales which contradict with the reality we see outside, and making arts and crafts projects, Dioramas in particular, taught us that no matter how hard we tried, our eyes would always be glued to "the box." Fuck.

One thing that kindergarten didn't teach us, however, is where we would learn the rest of life's important lessons. If wasn't until 23 years later that I discovered the answer to this question, but I now have, and can articulate it. Fuck Kindergarten, everything I really needed to know I learned from watching Martin.

Constantly Harassing people means you really like them:

Interpersonal relationships between Martin and Pam showed that even though much of their discourse centered on a barrage of mutual insults, in the end, they'd do anything for each other. Think about this and its relationship to your own life. You constantly cut on your boys (or "roast " them as whites would say) but its only because you love them. There's something to be said about people who can insult each other to the point of anger, yet not fuck each other up or sever friendships and say, "Get the steppin (Martin voice)".

Even if you do tell them to chuck the duces, you'll probably be chillin with them again tomorrow. Taking this a step further, harassing a girl usually means you like her to some extent. Look at how Tommy used to cut on Pam and eventually ended up smashing...now think of the girl you used to tease in grade school and how it was really because you liked her. It's true. If you didnt like her, you wouldnt even bother to deal with her...like, for instance, the way you do your baby mama.

Bad Chicks Come in All Shades and Hues:

In the same way that the 2009 wierdo coalition chose sides in the Twilight saga choosing Team Edward or Team Jacob, people were loyal to either team Pam or team Gina.

Nonetheless, it would not be disputed that both were quintessentially, "Bad chicks." Gina was high yellow and pretty while pam was thick as a latin accent. Martin and Ginas relationship prepared us for a lifetime of choosing women with white girl complexions and features as a substitute for interracial dating (before it became acceptable) , at the same time that Pam was teaching us the politics of black on black love. Martin taught us how to catch jungle fever as well as how to appreciate the curved road which led to our African queens.

Niggas with no Job will NEVER admit it:

Tommy. Everybody knew this nigga had no legit job, but what did he do? CLAIM that he went to work each day...at a building no one ever saw, and for a company no one ever heard of.

Real talk. We all know a nigga who's "on his grind." But who seems to be seen at hours incompatible with having a job. YET, this person always keeps money. Drug dealer? Pimp? Male escort? Inheritance? Who knows. We just gonna call him a Tommy.

Always Help Other black people in Need:

It's no secret that black people, when surrounded by a multitude of ethnicities, tend to gravitate towards other blacks. Its not a racist thing, but more for the comfort of a shared experience. Enter the politics of "Bruh Man."

Yep. This nigga was intrusive, coonish and always unannounced, but Martin always let him make a "Sammich." Why, might you ask? Because thats what niggas do. One day you may need him to do something for you. Take this a step further. When Martin needed some last minute, bootleg version of something, who'd he call? Bruh man, or his cousin Hustle man.

Ladies and gentleman, we were officially taught about the existence of the "Black" market (Christopher Lee Rios intended...pun) and the art of the Hook Up. Thanks Marti-mard.

Shorty Springer's Final Thought:

With the cast of ridiculously unforgettable characters and the hilarity of most episodes aside, Martin was the Goat black TV show because we could relate to it. While the huxtables showed us a side of America must of us weren't living in, and a level of affluence of which many of us still haven't risen to, Martin showed us ALL black people on the spectrum.

Be it the old heads like Jerome, the hoodrats like shenene, the niggas in coogis like cole, or the smooth dressed niggas with no job like Tommy, we learned that black people are...well....colorful. No wonder they called us colored. JK. THAT WAS A JOKE, LAUGH HO. In the end we can at least say we learned something while laughing rather than simply putting on a modern day minstrel show. Take it for what it is, my opinion. Don't agree? Go eat a rape kit.


For more Martin Analysis from the Bros, Click here -------> ; Man's Ruin: A Sociological Study of Martin and Gina (May, 2009) . You can thank us later as you watch Martin with a new renewed eye for detail and more sophisticated mind frame. Pow Pow.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Nappy Gilmore

So I havent blogged lately cause I've been on the road...literally. The other day I just finished (with a team of 12) , a 36 hour , 198 mile footrace from Yale (New Haven) to Harvard (Caimbridge.) I also haven't gotten any in a while, So yea, Im not in much of a blogging mood.


In honor of the world not ending I'm releasing the cover art and Promo video for my Mixtape which Should drop this week. Actually, it shoulda dropped last week but The DJ had a few finishing touches. His name is the Citadel, so harass him on twitter and say "Is Nappy gilmore done yet?" No, I really want you to do that. His name is @thecitadel_FL . It'll be funny. Actually just copy and paste this to your twitter...

Is Nappy Gilmore Done yet @TheCitadel_FL ?

The mixtape is composed of 16 songs and features IllaFatz, Legion, Neez Buck aka Nana Kwebana, my man Holly and Lefleur on Drink my Bread. Here's the first video directed by me...which means its gonna look like a BET Uncut video. Ass shakin, puertoricans....you know.

This was the song I was gonna post as proof the world WAS ending.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Judgement day: Tako's Confession

A few of my childhood friends don't really fuck with me at the moment and C4 and Show always ask me why. I never really told the story because i'm not the type to make my business public, nor am i the type to put actual hood shit on the Internet. At the moment tho,

I feel like the world is gonna end anyway, so fuck it.

Dear Show & C4,

The reason those 2 cats don't fuck with me is not because I snitched or signed any kind of statement like you guys like to joke around and say. Actually, say that shit one more time and one of yall is gonna get 2 black eyes like a raccoon.

Show: Whatever nigga, you must be talkin to C4.

C4: I will not let this turn into a "Nigga moment."

Now you both know normally I never keep anything from yall, but this was some street shit...and it was something which, I couldnt believe my boys would ever do, not in a million years. Just think. How would you feel if your best friends of 20+ years told you they raped a girl and scared her into secrecy by threatening her elderly grandma. No that's not what happened, but i saw your faces so you know...that's how i felt.

Wja3: I think i may have walked in at a bad time...Errrrr...Wja3 will be an accomplice to no pre-meditated crime.

C4: Nah, Tako's just having a true life confessions moment.

So while I was at Penn my dudes were home doing their thing as usual... buying jewelry, selling dope, repeating the vicious cycle of depreciating assets, poverty and financial and moral irresponsibility. I dont judge, Im just sayin , thats what was goin on. Every time I'd leave campus to go back around the way I'd kick it with them, careful not to judge, but also making sure everybody was "clean" before they got in the whip. I catch a drug conviction, my financial aid goes bye bye. Gun charges? Those are OK.

When i did catch the stupid gun charge and they gave me probation, since it was technically a registered gun, just from a non-reciprocal state, I had to reevaluate my situation. I loved my niggas and we've been down since like 5 years old, but it was time to buckle down and hit the books hard. I fell back and sorta layed low for almost a year. Mind you, niggas knew I was in school, yet somehow the peanut gallery came up with some rumor that I had quit school and started doing drugs. Like, niggas thought I was smoked out for real.

Not thinking much of it, I thought the stupid rumor was funny...like when C4 was pledging and everybody thought he was smoking crack cause he couldnt shave or cut his hair and got caught sleepin in a park. I, however, being the fuckface that I am, decided to take it a step further. I was gonna run with the rumor and come back to the hood to see if my niggas would serve me (sell me crack). I had 3 main homies. Now I have one. I think you can see how that story goes.

Now. For the introspective part.

What the fuck would you do if your lifelong friend facilitated the chance of you blowing a once in a lifetime opportunity at an Ivy league education? What if your friend showed reckless disregard for your life, well being and general health. These 2 motherfuckas sold me crack. Like rocks! Not cocaine, not weed, but crack!

My so called friends were essentially willing to sell me into a painful, AIDS infected, strung out early grave for 50 dollars...and these are niggas I've shot with, been shot at with and the like.

Sidenote: The entire room is somber and silent at this point.


Sidenote: Except for Tako yelling.

The end of the world on 5/21/11? Nah nigga, that right there was the end of the world for me. They say crack destroys communities, bullshit. Niggas like this destroy communities. Money destroys communities. When 9/10 niggas would sell their family and soul for a price, you know judgement day is coming. The end of the world was like 6 years ago for me b. To me, 2 of my friends died and a piece of me died with them.

That's why I don't fuck with them...and that was when i finally realized that judgment day wasn't coming...it already passed. We're just living amidst the painful aftermath.

*****, and ****** ....FUCK BOTH YOUR MOTHERS.

Bones, You my dude and I'd die for you.

-Taka Flaka Flame NHBBG (NappyheadedBros Blogger Gang)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How many HE has and what it means...

People said my last post was catered towards men...see below for response...

The other day we did a post entitled "How many she has and what it means", about the best ways to judge a book by its cover. If you haven't read it, you should. It's listed right underneath this post and was rated over 5+ coontastic stars.

Obviously, at the request of the ladies, and by the ladies I mean La Rubia, since the rest of you hoes never comment, I am providing a 2nd, corresponding blog entitled "How many HE has and what it means." Swag swag.

Drinks at the bar:

Tako: Is that you Show? Or 860 Black Guy?

Show: Fuck you.


A perfectly nice guy who embraces sobriety and chooses to enjoy the blessings God has bestowed upon him without the clouded judgement which comes with poisoning his brain cells. Yea right. Everybody drinks...except the following subsets of people: Muslims, Mormons, Jews during Passover (though they do go heavy on the Manochevitz & Ciroc), Recovering Alcoholics and people on PROBATION (usually for DUI...) oh yea, and EXTREMELY broke niggas...and weed heads. Yep. If he's not wearing a Kufi or other Muslim attire, steer clear of him. Now I could be wrong and he could've had a friend or relative die from drunk driving or a family history of alcoholism, but if that happens, consider yourself lucky for having missed out...who wants a man with all that baggage. LOL.


A one drink nigga is important. Sure he realizes that it's not cool to drive drunk, thereby making him responsible, but he also has OTHER shit to do besides drinking. He is the type who is dependable (he'll show up to show his face even if he has better things to do) as well as strong willed (I know i couldnt just have one drink and walk away.) Some may call him a prude or party pooper, others may dig his sophisticated scotch on the rocks swag. It's a matter of preference. He likes to keep a clear head and the attention will be on you, rather than the obnoxiously inattentive bartender with her bottle opener unsanitarily stuffed in her sweaty cleavage like that shit's supposed to be sexy. I'll open my own beer ho.


Could be a fratboy with a high alcohol tolerance, could be a raging drunk who beats his wife. Let him buy you a drink and come back. If he hasn't stalked you around the club, doesnt have a mullet, and is 3 drinks deep and relatively sober when you come back, he's a "party favor", the perfect companion for a party girl. Check to ensure 3 drinks doesnt turn into 8, and if it does, you may still be cool if he orders a cab. He's showing responsibility, a wild side, and that hes a man of means...cause sheiiiiit....drinks arent cheap. If you want excitement, he's your guy.

Dogs (Because if he has a cat he may be on the downlow):


Perfectly normal. Probably well dressed as no one with an Armani suit wants fuckin dog hair all over it. No real red flag indicators here unless of course you are an avid animal lover or crazy cat lady. If thats the case, a simple "do you like pets" will suffice. If he was gay he and his partner would have a yorkie or something, duh.


Who the fuck has one dog? I'll tell you who does...Families. Now, why would a single man have just one dog? You have to come home and give up a transitory lifestyle to come care for it, so why not have more? Because the dog probably wasn't his idea. Men with 1 dog have recently gotten out of relationships and still have the "shared dog." Why doesnt the girl have the dog? Here's the important part. Him holding onto the dog means, A.) He's selfish and malicious and really just wants to get back at her, b.) its an excuse for her to visit and he really wants to get back with her or c.) he loves the dog and is having sex with it. lol. Stay away from 1 dog men.


Here's your guy. Real niggas have two dogs so that their dogs can have company...or fight...or breed, thereby making dough. See? You've got a smart, money minded tough guy with a compassionate side. Keep him. As caring for a pet is like the poor man's (or smart man if you ask me)'s version of caring for a child, you can judge his caring nature and sense of dedication to a loved one through his interactions. You also know he wont be too bougie or he wouldn't stand for having smelly dogs in the house...cause no matter how well you groom your dogs, they're gonna stink at some point. Just make sure he keeps a clean house, and if he beats the dog everyday, I suggest you buy multiple pairs of dark shades and practice saying "Oh, I ran into a doorknob."

Cell Phones:

(See below post on women and apply same rules...only difference is, guys with 3+ phones are drug dealers as well...or rappers)



I aint talkin about ties to the community nigga. I could give a fuck if this nigga's a flight risk...I'm not the prosecuting attorney. I'm talkin about silk ties, professional shit that goes wit a nice buttondown shirt (without a fitted hat, and IN YOUR CORRECT SIZE.) If he doesnt have not 1 tie he is a career thug...drug dealer...criminal...take your pick. Even other non-white collar professionals have ties. Cops wear ties...construction workers and firemen at the very least have to go to banquets and dinners where you must have a tie. Not having 1 tie means that YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN in a "tie situation..." because if you had, you would've at least "borrowed" a tie. We all know noone EVER gets a borrowed tie back, so this is proof he's never been. Not only is he lacking a legit job...he also has no intention of going on an interview to get one. This is the type of nigga that wears an airbrushed black T-shirt with an R.I.P button to a funeral.


Well, at least he's trying. He may not be the corporate lawyer of your dreams, but he's savvy enough to know that there are situations in life where you cant wear jeans and a hoody. While he chooses a different path for his life, this is completely OK. Not everyone is meant for the "desk-top- life-style- might- dont- make- it" (Gucci Mane voice.) A tie shows knowledge of what is and is not acceptable in different settings as well as a willingness to conform when necessary. The opposite, aka the "I'm not wearing no tie for the man" type, will be the same nigga in the unemployment line. If you like a hardworking man and arent mezmorized by the glamour and glitz of fancy bourgeoisie parties and high end fashion, a 1-tie brotha may be for you...unless its a bowtie....then he's a professor or a frickin wierdo.


Most guys fall in this range, be they professionals or just niggas with good fashion sense, so be careful. You will find both good guys and losers in this category i.e) niggas who have 4 ties to wear to different clubs 4 nights a week. Here's a rule of thumb, More pairs of Air Force 1's than ties = bad, More ties than Jesus pieces = OK. Extra points if he unties the knots after taking them off, or if the wears said ties with various different knots. He's fancy. You better suck his dick well or another fancy ho will reap the benefits of said labor.



Loser. Just kidding. A guy with no girlfriends whom you meet out and about either a.) got out of a long relationship and hasn't had time yet to accumulate a collection of girls, b.) has easy access to sex and therefore no need for a girlfriend, or c.) hasn't yet found the right girl. Either way, the zero girlfriend guy is a keeper because he still holds value in the term "girlfriend." Sure he may be entertaining hoes as many single men do, but he realizes the difference and hopefully when he settles down, he'll deem you worthy of his complete undivided attention. He doesn't call just anyone his girlfriend and doesnt jump into interpersonal relationships within a few minutes just to get pussy. He's well seasoned and has learned many lessons...or he's actually a fuckin loser. If he has a job, isn't Shabba Ranks ugly and doesnt smell like Superhead's toothbrush, you can rest assured he's probably not a loser.


A one Gf man should be committed...in theory. But wait, why the fuck is he talking to you then?

That's some foul shit and you are the most vile type of street urchin for even talking to him. I bet you say things like "It's not my fault she can't keep him happy" and "As long as he's good to me , he can go home to her every night and she can have my leftovers." You my cheri amour are a Heaux (pronounced HOE!) Yep, I just made this about you. He aint shit though.


Now, ignore the fact that a 2 gf guy had to start off as a 1 gf guy who picked up a prospect in the NFL Bitches draft. 2 Gf guys are keepers. They're honest. They let it be known that casual dating is...well....casual dating. It is possible to have feelings for more than 1 person and he chooses to indulge in the revelry of such. There's no crime in having a few girlfriends just so long as they arent SERIOUS and you arent lying to them all. A 2+ gf guy is perfect man for anyone trying to see what life has to offer. He likes to indulge and enjoys the company of women he truly cares about rather than random street hoes. Maybe he likes you for one reason and her for another. As long as everyone knows their role this is the ideal situation until the time is right for unabashed commitment and dedication to the one. He's bold enough to challenge the status quo and do what he feels in his heart. Ladies. Keep him...win him over...and he's yours for life.

Don't say we never gave you ladies the warning signs. Pow pow.


Monday, May 16, 2011

How many she has and what it means...

"Men Lie, Women Lie...Numbers Don't" --Jay Z

Today we came up with the idea of the best ways to judge a book by its cover. Children, dress codes, choices in meals....all these things provide essential and valuable information about that girl you glanced at across the room. Pay close attention.

Let's play the numbers game to rate potential mates and see how they add up, shall we?



If she's been married and was married before she was pregnant this was probably planned. Awwwwwww. The culmination of a lovely union, too bad it didn't work out. His loss your gain. If it wasn't planned, you can consider it an honest mistake from which she learned a valuable lesson all the while catering to her maternal instincts. Will she have another child with you once you all are settled? Possibly, as most women don't consider 1 child the stopping absolute stopping point. It is possible, however, that she realizes she's not cut out for that motherhood shit and doesnt want anymore. Either way, you'll know this all up front so two thumbs up.


Where's the picket fence and the dog Ma? Either she realizes that she does like being a mother and the joys that come with it, or shes too stupid to learn from her mistake and use a condom. You will easily be able to tell which category she falls into from the beginning. If she was lacking ambition and just having babies cause its easier than working, she'd have at least 3...you're safe in that department homie.


Dangerous ground. I she Mormon? Against birth control? Maybe she just wants a large family. Does she work? If she does this may be a sign that she is important...3 family medical leaves for pregnancy and they haven't found a bullshit excuse to fire her ass? Oh, she may be a keeper. If she doesn't have a job, however, she may be a habitual welfare recipient. You can't live in the house with her or she will lose benefits, FYI.

Baby daddies:


Not better than zero, but Cool.


Eh, you're pushing it ma.


Too much drama...Storm Advisory. The Whorecast is predicting a high chance of Ho-Showers.

Bumps on her lip:


She removed a piercing. She has a wild side yet realizes it's not OK to work a professional job with face metal. She's the female equivalent of the guy with a tattooed sleeve under his 3 piece suit. I want to fuck her. She's hot. She's smart. She's a very freaky girllllllllllllll. (Rick James Voice).


She has a mustache and is frugal enough to try and wax or pluck it herself. She's the tortoise in this race, slow and steady...built for long walks on the beach, passionate love making and sound financial decisions. She is the wifey. She's also probably latin cause (or a minority of some sort) cause yall bitches be havin moustaches real talk! She's a real woman...and while real women have curves...they also have hair.


Herpes, small pox or Acne covered pizza face.



A regular girl, or Benz straight off the lot. Will require more maintenance but is worth it for the aesthetic appeal.


A fixer upper. Somewhat chubby, but destined for improvement because even chubby chasers aren't attracted to a fat face. This is for the guy who believes in the potential in his woman yet who likes a little bit of extra cushin for the pushin. I'm a number 1-2 guy myself. Don't judge me.


Ummmmm....so you really gonna eat that 2nd Whopper? No self control. Probably will look for skinny or attractive men with no job. If you're looking for a sugar mama, this is the way to go. Feed her ego and belly when she keeps your pockets full and mentally break her down, calling her a worthless no good bitch that no one will want but you when she forgets to give you allowance. :) I know, I'm going to hell.

Pairs of Jordans:


She's grown-up but kinda hood...or at the very least urban. She keeps her shoes clean , meaning she doesn't wear them much, or she'd need more pairs. A girl with no sneakers is obviously a posh little fucker. Unless you too are posh or super preppy / bougie, I'd leave that alone. A 1 jordan girl, however, is the people's champ. The all important mix coveted by men across the globe. We salute you.


Indecisive. Not quite a committed hoodrat or tomboy, yet can't settle on one Hood shoe to define her. Expect her to order 2 entrees at TGI Friday's and to drink your bread. You're life will be expensive. You will have a boy and a girl (or Siamese twins, or 1 who turns transsexual), a car and an SUV, and possibly a summer and winter home. Good luck....chuck.


Unless you are a women's basketball coach, GROW THE FUCK UP. There's no need to have that many pair of Pseudo-athletic shoes as a woman. You aren't gonna convince me you go to the gym in 3 different pairs of J's. Airmax, maybe...but with those titties and that ass it's clear you haven't worked out in some time...I'm not mad at that, but step your shoe game up please. You'll thank us for it later.



Ummmm. 1 pair of heels? What are you 12? Does this chick even have a job? If she does, I'm sure its not in an office. I understand the politics of "comfort", but if you don't at least have a pair of black and brown, like what are you really doing with your life? You obviously don't immerse yourself in many formal situations eh? Unless you work construction you should probably invest in another pair before you expect we'll invest in you. Side note: High leather hooker boots do not count older black women...since I know you love those Wilson's and Coach boots so fucking much.


A sensible chick, if you like the "pretty, smart, semi-plane jane" girl. She knows that heels are often necessary but would probably prefer flats. She also would rather spend money on something more practical. Expect her to dress up nice on special occasions but pretty much look like a tomboy or a cute frazzled bedazzled mess around the house. I once dated one of these. It's not a problem if you aren't a fancy schmancy boogie type guy. If you are one of those ildris abla shoe boot wearing dudes, you should upgrade to a 3+ heeler.


Oh shes fancy huh? She'll have heels in all Flavas (colors) and for any occasion. She's a "Bad bitch." Keep her if you are into dime pieces and dont care about them always being late, taking forever to get ready and not wanting you to pull their hair during doggystyle sex. I guess its really just a personal preference. I've had a few "3+ Heelers". It was fun, they were gorgeous, but I don't think I'm cut out for all that flash. I'm flashy enough myself. LOL.

Credit Cards:


A Good girl who understands the importance of building credit, yet is aware of her own penchant for shopping and does not want her lines of extended credit to spiral out of control. She is on the right track...unless of course that card is maxed out, in which case, she is still being responsible enough not to open a new account. She's a keeper as she has the right qualities to me molded, or which will eventually begin to bud on their own. The seeds of financial knowledge have been planted. Fertilize her. LOL.

2: A good girl with a little more monetary freedom. She probably balances her check book, is aware of her running monthly balance and thinks about the big picture. One card is most likely for big ticket items, while the other for daily expenses. She's a bit savvier than the 1 carder and more worldly. She understands the value of earning credit card points, yet understands that buying gas with cash is 10 cents a gallon cheaper, and she realizes that the minority men she deals with may not have change at the barbershop...and we all know nigga barbershops only take cash. Straight cash.


This could go either way. See where the cards are from and make your decision to smash or not to smash as an educated consumer. Are any of her cards Rushcards, Baby Phat or any coon shit like that? Drop her like a miscarriage. Is each Card for a different store? If so, look at the store...Old Navy, GAp, Walmart, Saks Fifth? The bitch is all over the place. She's easily persuaded and lacks discipline. Are a few regular Visa or Master card with an American Express thrown in and a Vicky's secret card? Oh she's a keeper and she takes pride in caring for herself while pleasing her man. I'd take a gamble on Ma.

Cell Phones:


Nothing out of the ordinary there. Most people have cell phones these days, even impoverished welfare recipients and bad ass little kids. I swear they offer free government assistance cell phones I'm not even shitting you. Beware, however...if a girl only has one cell phone, she is an actual adult and it's pre-paid, this is a sign of poor decision making, bad credit, or too many phones in her baby daddy's name. It could also be a sign that you only have the number to her boost phone and are a fucking idiot for believing her "iphone charger" is for an ipod touch and not a secret phone. You ever seen that bitch jogging? Then what the fuck she need an ipod touch for? exactly.


Since most girls these days are savvy enough to cheat without two phones, and are not into drug dealing I'd say the "two phoners" are the keepers (Unless one phone is a boost mobile, cricket or pocket wireless...see above.) The iphone-blackberry or double blackberry woman shows that she's important enough to have a work phone, yet responsible enough not to keep all her nasty texts and buttnekked flicks on a traceable electronic medium. = Lady in the streets, freak in the bed, peer at the bank...or sugar mama. I could live with either.


Excuse me? 3 phones? If a bitch has 3 phones, 2 probably don't work and one probably works intermittently (that means sometimes.) DUMP HER. She's probably the type to change her number once a month (because some ex, baby father or stalker from the club) wont take a hint. Here's a hint, stop givin errrrybody your god damned number. 3 phones is also a bad credit indicator as one phone is probably a t-mobile, one is an AT&T, and one a verizon. I almost 100% guarantee one of these non-working phones has a past due balance and shut off notice. Also, here's a cliff notes tip: T-mobile girls have substantially lower credit, Verizon girls are at the top of the pyramid. You're welcome.