Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hep-C, AIDS or Scabies--(Lloyd Banks Voice) Pt. 2

1st off, Shout out to Sunshinestar110 at You don't like my Opinion That's fine for bloggin heavy. Shout outs to Khack-a Lack just cause.

Also, Shout out to Q double at incredulous Scribes for the following quote:

"I never gave the black guy love for bagging a fat white girl. That shit too easy a blind asian can do it."


Now, let's play. No Homo.

Anyone who reads this blog is familiar with the regular cast of characters: Taka Flocka, Lefleur, Shanga, Buc Dinero, C4, ShowRocka, Caveman, Slope Rocka, Big Bams MD and Wja3. Well, today I'm gonna take you on an adventure with Rocka Flaka and Taka Flocka.

Last night Taka Flocka came through CT on his way from Philly to Beantown and kicked it with me in my hood. Ok, let's not lie...I dont live in the hood anymore...we kicked it in my suburb.

After about 1 tall Leinkugel and a coors light at the local Ruby Tuesdays, Tak's eyes light "Deer in the headlights," "girl in her first adult film" light up.

Show: Damn son. Did you see a ghost? Or a di*k? you closet homosexual. LOL.

Tako: That's her son.

Show: who?

Tako: Remember the old head (middle-aged)girl I smashed? the one who you guys found out about when I left my phone open?

Show: Oh, the bi*ch that had scurvy or Feline AIDS or somethin?

Tako: She didnt have AIDS, it was psoriasis...and're loud as shit.

It looked like this, only worse...according to Tak.

Anyways, for those of you unfamiliar with the story, here's a quick wrap up (if you want the full version, click here). Anyways, Tako met a 40 year old chick on who's here, got her naked and soon found out (after it was too late of course) that she had Psoraisis so bad that her skin felt part aquaman and part lepur. Dude was smashin Ariel from the little Mermaid!! OK, back to the convo.

Show: Yo, go up to the dude shes with and say "Yo son, be careful...that bi*ch be sheddin skin like a rattlesnake." LOL.

Tako: Now let's not do anything "Rash." Hahaha.

Show: Well, tell him not to go for it all in one night. He's gotta "Rash"-ion it out.

Tako: Now that's just being Ir-"Rash"-onal.

Me and Tak go at it like this for a while before I realize that they can hear us and we are just being plain rude. Tak, on the other hand didn't give a shit and tried to take a pic.

To make a long story short, it didnt come out well and we ended up leaving. Just for old times sake, Tak got on Who's Here to send her a message only to find this new profile.

" SMH. I see no scabies, scabs or Lepur marks. I also know that she just had a 4o-something-th birthday. This bi*ch is perpetratin'" --Tako


Quote me on this....If nig*as ain't sh*t, then bi*ches are half of that. Hahahaha.

--TS boys.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Unattractive female friends

Thank you C4 for that Doobie wrap up of the BET awards. I didn't watch them and now don't need to...though I am curious as to see what Diamond-Moissanite hybrid jewelry Gucci, Plies and Solja Boy Tell em' brought out for the occasion. What? Ricky Ross is fat so none of his chains look that big and Kanye...well, no one cares about him because he looks like he's trying too hard AND has a way of making anything look gay. I swear , I almost stopped wearing Jesus pieces because of him. Sorry God. I'm just sayinnnnnnn (The Dream Voice).

Now, onto the important shit. Yep. I'm cussin already.

Unattractive Female Friends

Now I'm not gonna be mean and say that there is a subset of Girls defined as universally ugly. I'm a firm believer in the fact that there is someone for everybody. Not for me...just for you guys. There is a universally bad bi*ch out there for me, and until i find her I must weed through a pool of strictly model hot dimes. I apologize to any girl I previously talked to who doesn't fit this criteria as I will be proceeding to ignore you. LOL.

Why is any of this important, might you ask?

It's important because I've decided that I do like being able to talk to women and get a female viewpoint on things, yet am fully aware of the problems it causes. For example, in being indiscriminate with ones friend selection, a man can theoretically have female friends (not friends with benefits) lying anywhere on the scale between Nicole Richie and Precious, or between T.I's Tiny and Alycia Keys.

Keep this in mind.

Now, let's just say you are dating a Dime and that we can agree on the universal premise that cheating is bad. Hanging around a technicolor spectrum of girls you would bang in secret, can cause two MAJOR problems. 1.) It leads to cheating, and 2.) It leads to a slippery slope of accepting mediocrity as the norm. Girls no longer seem that hot because we become classically conditioned (college term) to salivate at the plain jane hoes with extra baby Phat even before the vaginal fruit bowl is delivered. Too graphic?

What we need to do is engage in a form of operant conditioning know as negative reinforcement.

Bang an ugly chick? Get Burned.

(Damn son...he must've had his whole face in her Punani ) I know, I'm going to hell wearing a Jesus Piece.

Secure a SIBE, have everlasting raw dog sex for a long as she can put up with you.

Soon we'll be salivating at the SIBE'S because of the positive connotations, regardless of whether or not we get to taste that sweet nectar every time. We will be striving for excellence rather than meritocracy. PHD's over GED's. Yeah i said it...most of yall are the G.E.D.'s of hoes.

Now, Ive decided the best way to actualize this dream is by having female friends that look like this..

I'm not gonna hang around hefty puertorican or Dominican hoes because the seeds of attraction are still there. Sure someone may find this spongebob ho attractive, but not me...and that, my friends, is what this theory is all about. Be friends with girls who you have absolutely no attraction to!!! I don't mean "I'd hit it if i was wasted and no one knew...." I mean, honest to GOD lack of can even go a step further and say disgust.

Example: I think Rihanna is ugly, but realize that I would still hit it...So a girl who looked like her shouldn't be my friend. Precious on the other hand, I wouldn't even fu*ck with your di*k and a condom made of J-Lo's booty meat.

That being said.... when it comes to ugly female friends.....
Like NIKE , just do it bitch.

Your girl will thank you for it, your di*k will thank you for it (Pause) and all non-attractive females who you used to bang will hate you for it.

So it Goes (D-Mac Voice). LOL.

Live, Love, Life


Monday, June 28, 2010

C4's BET Awards Diary

The BET Awards aired last night as I am sure most of you are aware. I normally rebuke this network and all its deeds, but once a year for this award show I renew my n-word vows and allow myself to be entertained. This time though, I kept a running diary of my thoughts, just for y'all. Thank me later, no Aubrey. Let's hit the play-by-play, shall we?

Strong start with Kanye's set. Shit was ill. Set the bar high. Nigga had the whole environment behind him. Biblical. Sphinx head chain is enormous, I suppose to match his ego. It's like the T-Pain Big Ass Chain chain but with something on it, hung down past his belt. No homo

Taking way too long announcing the celebs here tonight. I'm sick of MC Lyte's voice as the voice-over person, I'm cool if I never hear it again. I say hire Fantasia and drink every time she can't read the script.


Queen Latifah's opening jokes were actually pretty funny but the audience was not mentally ready for witty humor cuz they watch this network and expect less. The camera man or editor fucked up a very funny "all these ppl declined to host that's why I'm here" joke by speeding through the prompter screen and not zooming in.

Hilarious Usher-Chaka khan joke! QL said if she's post-menopause then he gets the draws! I like her more now.

QL has lost weight! Not enough though to pull off singing that Drake bit making fun of his crippled-ness last year.

TI and his ugly ass wife are here.
Ludacris was there too. Fuck Luda.

Jada Pinkett still looks like she did in '93, even the hair, and she's announcing the Best Female R&B award.

How did Melanie Fiona get in the nominations? Who the fuck is she even? If you have VH1 Soul you'll see her video where she's singing slow and epic and soulful about her man while standing on the highway. It's not a good song. I'm as neo soul as the next man but come the fuck on.
Now Alicia keys getting the fucking award. Fuck BET or throwing her pregnancy in my face. Fuck Swizz Beatz baby, fuck her feminist hippy mother earth Africa eternal essence acceptance speech too.


Usher performing There Goes My Baby. Nigga in all white like he just got baptized then went to the club. Bigups for performing your classiest single instead of Little Freak or OMG or Daddys Home. Cool ass smoky theme no homo. Classic style performance. Behind the mic, cool lights. Someone took notes from Maxwell last year no homo. String section. Nice touch. This performance was good enough for ABC. I'd say no disrespect to BET but I do mean disrespect.

Mike Epps is an asshole. "This is Precious' jacket by the way." LOL. Cheap one min of standup.


There's a whole category for Best Female Rapper? Who the fuck are all these female rappers??!?!?!? The nominees:
Ester Dean - WHO?!?! No clue who she is.
Lil Kim - Is she still making music?
Nicki Minaj - Obviously gonna win
Rasheeda - WHO?!?! Honestly never heard of her.
Trina - Is she still making music? Name her new single. Seriously.

This was a fucking excuse to give Nicki minaj an award so we could see her hair. Whose hand is she holding? This bitch is nuts. She speaks so well! I mean that. Heartfelt thanks to Wayne, I ain't mad at it. She's really grateful for where she is. Okay she needs to shut up now. Cue the music. Skeerrrtrtt!!! "This is for women"?! Really? This.


Shame on BET for making the cast of the Game pimp the upcoming acts instead of hiring some video editors and a voice over guy. They cut every corner. That's why I watch.

Q Lat rocking Nets jersey. It ain't subliminal.

TI performing now with pyrotechnics. And video of some too. Yo TI is the most productive nigga in between bids I have ever seen. Imagine where he'd be if he were free the whole time.

"Will Smith's daughter look crazy. Can't believe her parents let her cut her hair like that." - Jazzy Jen

Why rappers always get Travis Barker to play drums? Questlove ain't good enough no more? And how did Barker stay famous while Blink 182 faded away? Amazing. They need his agent.

Brought Larenz Tate from the dead for the annual failed attempt at recreating a hood classic movie moment. This year it was Love Jones, last year it was Baby Boy.

Best Male Hip Hop

Luda. Fuck Luda.

No surprise Drake wins, bringing the young money brigade of funny looking hair niggas. Heartfelt thanks to Weezy again. He must pay them what he owe.


What does this 13 year old girl have to sing Alicia Keys for? Cuz it's her birthday? Her daddy must be an exec. She took all her time too singing all slow. I peeped Latifah telling her to wrap it up on the sly. Hilarious.

More Alicia Keys. Fuck her. There's an ice box where my heart used to be. They all on her nuts now listing her hits like she's getting a lifetime achievement award.
Is this bitch doing a medley? Fuck that. Why she start with No One? I hate that song. My dad likes it. I lost a tiny bit of respect for him.

They clearly told camera man to pan away from the belly. This is wack. You're not cool enough for this shit. You only been out ten years. This ADD is what makes kids think soulja boy can rap. Who is this fat bitch on stage with her? She sing gospel? Kim Burrell? I don't know.

You can tell Alicia's pregnant though. She's looking kinda like a fat ass, not like a woman with a fat ass.

"She's making me nervous with her ankles. They look like they'll twist and she's gonna fall."
Keri Hilson looks different: "we gon' get it in" performs bmore artist. R&b is becoming beyond coontastic.

President of Harlem Children Zone getting an award. Fuck Harlem Children Zone. I thought I was gonna get a break from writing. I taught an SAT class there, it was the most depressing shit I ever did. "I spoke with an employee there the other day, they don't pay their employees shit."
T.I. to QL in her "Set It Off" character: "ey Cleo wasup. I thought they shot you." Funny bit joking about guns at an award show. That shit wasn't funny to him last year tho....

B.o.b. / Eminem performance

B.o.b. Got on a sailor hat. Ew nigga u gay. Cool that he plays piano though but didn't sit behind it all day like Alicia Keys, he is a rapper still. Good stage presence though. I can't fuck wit his album tho too emotional. Eminem's mic is too low. How they get vocal doubled live? Nice. Nice job by Keyshia Cole too, although her and Nicki are causing the Great Depression of Black Hair.

Somehow you can tell when the audience is engaged while an artist is performing. Now is one of those times. Oh look a choir during "Not Afraid." No one's done that at an award show before. Sike! Boo honky boo.

Monica looks like a video game character. Like on Tekken 8 or some shit. I think she gets good TV reception with that outfit. Classy move bringing out Deniece Williams to acknowledge that she jacked her new song from a better song from the '80s. Not so classy move from Deniece showing off her 50 y/o titties.

Oh shit those aren't pants Monica's wearing, they're leggings.

Strongest category yet, Best Collab.

Say ah
Empire state of mind***

Dirty Money Performance

Too much fog can't see diddy. Dirty money undistinguishable from backup dancers. This is why they'll be broke next year.
They OD'd on fog, and I'm having a seizure from the strobe. I could neither see nor hear Nicki if not for the red hair. I feel like she would've been interesting to watch.

What the hell going on with Jermaine Jackson's head?! LOL! He never disappoints.
Oh shit, Chris Brown is doing the tribute we all wanted to see last year. Way to record a version of a song then lip-sync it. This might be his comeback! THIS SHIT IS CRAAAAZY! He might be back. Oh wait now he's crying. Oh God he can't go on. Get it together nigga! I buy the tears though. I get it. He couldn't perform there last year cuz he beat his bitch down, and that villification probably burned him deep, no homo. This is like his redemption, he even did "Man In The Mirror." Those weren't fake Usher at MJ's funeral tears, those were ugly tears. Welcome back Chris. You're more talented than Rihanna anyway.

"Was that Rihanna? Nah guess that was Cassie's ass. They all starting to look alike." - Jazzy Jen

"if I had no cellulite big breasts and pockets with..." the quotes from the music matters artists are classic.

QL self fish hops while meathopping Drake before he performs. His set was straight. Jeezy was ok too.


Way to learn the value of the seven second delay. No curse word snafus like last years young money fiasco.

Male R&B Award

Trey Songz***
Raheem DeVaughn

Trey is the first artist to begin with "first off I'd like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ" at 1:59, setting a record for a black awards show as the latest someone did that. His mom is a Milf. She fine as a mufucka. Like if she were LeBron's mom, my name would be Delonte West.

El DeBarge is performing, oh shit! And he's ILL! El debarge still got it. He looks like the Fons now but his voice right now sounds like the CD. Goddamn. Best performance of the night along with Chris Breezy. How old is he? He's shitting on my generation and the one after it. And he's providing no toilet paper. Lost a lil steam by "rhythm of the night." Shouldn't have danced with that woman while singing.

Todd Bridges honoring the dead, specifically Gary Coleman. Poor Arnold never got a bit of respect in his life. Hopefully he's somewhere whooping ass and taking names.

Tyrese knows how to do a fcuking tribute! He's handling his Pendergrass right now no homo. Now some chick in the audience is holding up her pink panties while he's singing. Bitxh don't hold the panties up u gotta throw them!

I ain't texting these niggas for Haiti!!! Y'all fooled too many niggas with Yele. Fast forward thru gospel performance cuz I can.

I don't care about what John Legend does in Tanzania either, even though I lived there in infancy. The show is boring now.

Just when I was gonna fast forward thru QL's Cover Girl U-N-I-T-Y Award for teens I went

Five winners. On the left the pretty ebony Nubian with Afro. Next is Weavealicious Brown followed by Redbone With Fat Ass and Mulatto Chick. Next to her is a hippo in a dress. This bitch is WIDE. Like wider than the other four combined. Bitch is bigger than Precious. And Mo'Nique. Cmon son. Cover Girl??? Latifah exposing her fat girl bias.

The rest of the show was pretty tame as I got bored and tired of typing on my phone. Trey Songz had a good performance of Yo Side of the Bed, which I always thought was Prince-ish in style. He confirmed my feelings by following it up with a weird verse of Purple Rain. He needs to control his vibrado more sometimes it sounds like he's singing with Parkinson's Disease.

Prince of course got the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Awesome Prince tribute performances by our friend Janelle Monae doing Let's Go Crazy, a jazz artist named Esperanza Spalding (yeah I googled that I ain't know who she was neither) doing , Alicia Keys doing Until The End of Time, and Patti LaBelle murking Purple Rain. Come to find out, Prince hand-picked these artists. That's cool as shit. See niggas? Even Prince is a Janelle Monae fan. OK I'm done fish-hopping.

And then the DVR cut off cuz the show went over three hours. I only saw a snippet of All I Do Is Win being performed, but I'm cool with not seeing Khaled. All in all a good show. They played to their strengths, with maaaaad performances and only like 5 awards given out to limit the amount of time coons could speak.

See you next year BET.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Random Tomfoolery

Yea Im late... Not like period late tho... It's still afternoon.

I admit, I am hungover. The end.

Just cause I love y'all though, Im gonna post my tomfoolery of the week.

This is an unnamed family member at a chineese buffet. While we are all ordering cokes we notice my aunt (whoops, so much for being descreet) pulling out a Kool Aid packet!!!!

W.T.D.D.A: Where they do dat at?!!!!

What flavor?? Grape. Smh.


Moving right along...

I was playing that Plies song "Goonette" where he starts by saying : "for her birthday got her a pink ski mask."

Big Sis-Rocka: I got one of those.


I know... Wrong on so many levels.

Here's some more for ya...

Talk about self richeous hoes not practicing what they preach.

Who's Here Profile description:

Status update #1:

Y'all hoes ain't right!!!!



Thursday, June 24, 2010

Shorty's True Story's: Buc Dinero & the KKK

Here's a story involving your regular cast of blog characters.

What? You didn't like my dope three line intro? Then stop reading shit on the Internet and do the work your employer is paying you to pretend to do right now. :)

Shorty's True Story's: Buc Dinero & the KKK

So today's true story begins with our hometown heroes Buc Dinero & Shanga.

Buc-Dinero: Yo show. I think I've finally gone too far. I'm done. No more. We almost got killed.

These were the first words I heard out of Buc Dinero's mouth after not hearing from him for a good week. Shanga and Mr. Dinero had taken a Dummy mission (aka spur of the moment trip + Alcohol) from the east coast to Atlanta to help Shanga's mom move into her new pad. That's an apartment, No menstro. LOL.

Now for those of you who don't know Buc, he is a virtual chameleon. He is intelligent (no meat hop) and can blend in anywhere from a Nascar race to a Hood dice game or Presidential Inauguration. Problem is, when he's not busy "fitting in" with every and everybody, he's off being the Biggest asshole-coon-hogwash tomfoolerific-morally offensive human being on the planet. No offense.

"I'm just saying...wouldn't you rather see bit*hes with titties than bit*hes without them"
--Buc on why we should skip the Breast Cancer benefit and go to the club.

"I don't love these hoes...I just like em a lot." --Buc to girl in the club later that night.

"You caught me off guard...I have a weak stomach. What were you thinking? "
--Buc to ugly girl he threw up on after she sneak kissed him after the club.

Now that that is established. Let us continue.

Buc and Shanga arrive in the bumblefuck outskirts of Atlanta only to help Shanga's mom briefly and then make their exodus to the local watering hole. Beers continue to be poured and the drunken revelry is at an all time high...that is until the three (dummies + mom) hear those dreaded words, "Last call." Shit, it was only 12:00 and they were shutting down the parrrrr-tay.

Buc Dinero: You know of any other places we can keep drinking?

Bartender: Ummmm. It is Sunday, and there is one bar in the neighboring town...but BE REALLY CAREFUL. Matter of fact, you might not want to go. Its Dangerous. I'm a white man, and I dont go down there.
You can't tell niggas that. Actually, you could've told me that and I would've gotten the hint...but nooooooo, not these hard-heads. Pause.

30 minutes later the three reach the neighboring county and walk into a hole in the wall bar where they are promptly stared at.

Buc: Fuck everybody staring at? pour me a pint!!

Seeing the Nascar race on TV, Buc begins talking about his affliction for the sport and who's in the points lead with some local rednecks. They are perplexed and impressed.

Redneck #1: Yall are some brave sons of bitches but I likes ya. Yall are alright with me...But do yall know yall are in KKK heaven??! This town has one of the largest and oldest chapters.

Redneck #2: I've been in this bar everyday for the past 20 years and have NEVER seen a colored bold enough to come round these parts!!

Buc (Standing on a chair): Fuckin right!! Rosa Parks aint got shit on me!!!

SMH. Let's do that again. SMH. SMH. SMH. Sigh.

Everyone is laughing, because the alternative would be to cry, when the bartender begins pouring the whole bar shots...the whole KKK bar that is. A few minutes later, around 3:00am she says "now you boys can't drive home, i dont want yall to get no DUI...I'ma call THE BOYS to get you a ride."

In walk two Huge, muscular guys blatently brandishing guns. The bartender says "they're here" and hands shanga and Dinero a 12 pack, saying "you might as well enjoy this."

Not knowing whether to run or fight, the boys + mama shanga follow the armed Klansman who give them this card.

Can you say eerie? Next they're split up into 2 separate for mama Shanga (who is white) and two fro black ass buc and puertorican looking shanga. After an interesting ride down pitch black back roads complete with a history of how even the cops in this town were Klansman, the boys miraculously make it home in one piece. The gun toting goons respected the bravery of the boys so much that they didnt leave them lynched or hanging from the back of the truck.

It turns out that the KKK were so used to chasing minorities that they didn't know what to do when the actually caught one. SMH.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Take That, Take That: Why Do Artists Still Sign With Diddy?

C Fo', back to ya do', holla at your scholar one time now let's go!

In case you haven't been paying attention to the record industry in the past 15 years and change, a guy by the name of Sean Combs at a company called Bad Boy has firmly stamped his sunglasses and slack jaw on the conscious of what we call urban music more thoroughly than arguably anyone since Russell Simmons. During that time the man known variously as Puff, Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, or Diddy has produced and masterminded tons of hits and launched many careers, all while reminding us that he can't and won't stop making hits... And a fcuking fortune.

So of course aspiring young talent flock to him in hopes of a piece of Bad Boy fame and fortune, but it never ends for them the way it does for him. Everyone knows Diddy ain't paying his artists, and whatever stardom they achieve is often overshadowed by his own. Diddy remains famous, you are left at best broke and at worst dead. Don't agree? Let's go to the highlight reel.

Everyone knows about the rise and fall of Biggie Smalls so let's not dwell there. Let's instead focus on how the curse of Puff has followed all his other artists since the golden era of Bad Boy.

Craig Mack:

Who? Exactly. No more flavor for our ears coming from this dog-faced rapper.


the next big Bad Boy to hit the scene, Ma$e blew up big and just as he began to fizzle he found Jesus and quit rapping. It probably saved his life.

Even though his stint as a preacher, followed by return to rap and signing with G-Unit are all head-scratchers, Ma$e has fared better than most.

The Lox:

Three dope MCs who got better with time. Only Styles did a bid. Famously unhappy about not getting paid by Puff, made the infamously hilarious "J. Jerkin' Niggas" sketches not so subtly aimed at Puff while still signed to him. They eventually fled to Ruff Ryders and moved on, but Diddy pretty much punked them and never really paid what he owed. Guess they never got their money, power, respect. "We keep raping you, raping you raping you..."


This infamous fiasco inolving the skinny light-skinned guy with Biggie's voice almost ended Sean Combs' career. He lost J. Lo and changed his name to P. Diddy behind the club shooting, but only Shyne really got fcuked over by getting hit with a ten year bid. He just got out like this year. Diddly-woooooah! Seen?!

G. Dep:

Remember in '01 how Lets Get It and Special Delivery had the world Harlem shaking all over the place? Yeah I forgot too. But G. Dep is a poor crackhead now and those days are the only things keeping him alive I bet.

Da Band:

the first nut ass nigga reality tv conglomerate to inspire a classic Dave Chappelle sketch had their 15 minutes of fame before collectively fading into oblivion. But the top five MCs of all time are still Dy-lan, Dy-lan, Dylan Dylan and Dylan.

Loon: Mase 2.0 didn't even blow up like his predecessor, but also faded away only to return with a religious conversion even more hilarious: fundamental Islam (although there's technically no such thing but that's another site's blog to write).

The nigga looks ridiculous!!!!

Danity Kane:

these bitches had another two seasons of strictly watered down R&B mediocrity to give us more footage of Diddy punking his artists and the world being tickled by it. Modest, modest, splash in the musical ocean that fizzled quick enough to make one of them join the newest creation...

Diddy Dirty Money: he ain't even trying to front now. He has graduated from being all in the video, all on the song, dancing, to actually having his name in the title of the group. That's gangsta.

Show: yeah no shit what's your point?
C4: shut the fuck up.

My point is that there is an artist signed to Bad Boy right now whom Diddy claimed was "the most important signing of my career." Her name is Janelle Monae, and if you don't know her, she's the shit.

Ask somebody. Her EP two years ago was raw cocaine to many fans, and her new LP The ArchAndroid is pure hot fiyah, as our friend Mr. Dillinger would say.

Now I know WJA3 usually handles reviews, but the spirit moves me right now. Her styles are so varied and refreshing, her music so dynamic and her voice so strong that I can't help but gush. While many current R&B singers are busy auto-tuning drone-like flat overtures about tipping strippers or just sounding like bad rappers, this chick's genre-bending musical adventures are so forward they're almost a throwback to a time when it was okay to refuse to conform to the formula.

The problem is too many people still have no idea who she is, so I fear the Diddy Curse is at work. Does he not promote her enough? Is she no longer marketable to teenagers who can't distinguish quality anymore because all their lives they've been told that the best they can do is sing about inventing sex, birthday sex, baby mamas and tipping strippers?

It frustrates me though. It makes me wonder: Am I just getting too old and losing touch? Is black music dying without hope? If she doesn't blow up, will future similar or (even better) dissimilar artists cease to exist or be heard? Or am I simply wondering, why of all people, with the previous track record in place, did Janelle Monae sign to Bad Boy?

Fuck it. Just buy/download her album. You might like it.



Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Co Ed public bathrooms

You didn't think I would miss a day of blogging did you? Sheeeeiiiiittttt!!!! (See Pic Below). Lol.

I always wondered... Why are bathrooms always co-ed? I mean, like really... It's not like you're showering in a public restroom or anything and a miscellanious titty might pop out. Is America really afraid that all guys are perverts and will jerk off to the sounds of female bowel movements?

Maybe it's just because women sit down to pee and take forever. The patriarchy we call America put the Jamie Foxx hand "Skerrrrt-Nigga please" on that one. We ain't waitin for y'all hoes. Lol.

This being said, I think that the female male, seperate but equal dump-divide makes it a lot harder to do things like eat wings or tacos on a first date for fear you might have the khalua-coffee mud butt. It also, on the either hand, leaves the act of taking a dump or peeing in front of your boo as something sacred... To be cherished. Lol. If she pees with the door open, however, it because she's been to jail. Not cause she loves you.

I know it seems a little wierd but it definitely makes you think. I let a mean buffalo teryiaki explosive UPS brown and ninja turtle green fire water dump loose with a SIBE in the next room and my life is better for having done it. She now farts and pees in front of me. Ain't life grand. Lol.

Moral of the story is this:

People are quick to spread their legs or open their pigeon faced jaws and swallow the creamy child chowder of a man they just met yet cringe at the thought of taking a dump around him.

My oh my do we have our priorities slanted. Lol.

I'm just sayiiiiiiinnnn (Dream voice.)

Monday, June 21, 2010

TS Presents....You don't care about Retarded people, tell the truth.

The dynamic duo of dastardly deeds is on deck today. Prepare to be thoroughly offended.

TS (Aka Tako and Show) Present....

You don't care about Retarded people, tell the truth

How many times have you heard people use the word "retarded" only to be scorned by others and looked down upon with disgust. "They like to be called mentally challenged."

How the fuck do you know what they like to be called. I'm sure they'd much rather be called normal....that is, if they were normal. Whaaaaat? You think its wrong that I said that? OK, I'll break it's why we're right and you're as wrong as R-Kelly teaching an all girls Sunday school class.

"Retarded people are normal" .

No they aren't, or they wouldn't have a "special" moniker. They wouldn't have special blue parking spaces and wouldn't need helmets to do regular nigga shit.

We're normal...but that's because we don't eat our own feces or drool all over the place...unless I see J-Lo...Or I see Rosie Perez.

Anyways, now that that is out of the way let me say one thing. I'm sure we will have less followers at the end of the day, because someone will inevitably have a retarded sibling and call us insensitive pricks. Well....we are. But as always, there's a method to our madness.

Tako: Yea, the point is not to make fun of the re-tards (Alan from Hangover voice).

I'ma keep it 100.

Show: Nah son, keep it 200.

Aight, I'm gonna keep it 200 (slang for keep it 200% honest, for you white folk) and say this.

Most of yall don't care about retarded people as much as you think you do. You just don't want karma to bite you in your ass and God to give you a retarded kid. Oh, you think this isn't true Mr. and Mrs. Righteous???

Answer me this....

If you could have a million dollars for every person that u cursed with a lifetime of retard-dom, when would you stop?

Yea, i hear those tunes a'-changin' real quick. I can just hear niggas tryin to get all intellectual with it right now.

Hypothetical nigga #1 : Well, they are designed in God's image we might as well get paid.

Hypothetical nigga #2: I'm sayin....It can't be that bad being retarded. There's already thousands...whats another couple hundred.

Hypothetical nigga #3: you know how many bentleys I could buy. How many millions in a billion?

Now I'm not trying to get all self righteous and shit because I'm afraid doing things like typing this are going to curse me with a lifetime of caring for a disabled child as well. I just know that the big homie JC (You know, Jesus Christ) will respect my our honesty. If I get struck by lightning, your monkey ass is gettin struck down too Showrocka.

This is not to say people shouldn't have sympathy towards the handicapped, but that they should really just be honest with themselves. Sure they are made in God's image just like us, it is also quite possibly that God had a hangover that day or somethin. I'm just sayinnnnnnnn (Dream voice.) Fact of the matter is, It is sad that so many people are born with special needs. Just know these are results of genetic defects, and not God's wrath. Shit like Gonahrea...that's God's wrath. Why the fuck you think it burns. LOL.

Go ahead, curse us to holy high hell. I'm still gonna keep talking shit. Crack babies, fetal alcohol infected rugrats and emphysema lunged infants are unnecessary retards. Shit could be prevented if people took better care of themselves and their babies. Call this a rude awakening. Bitches.

In closing, If you care so much about retarded babies....go adopt one....donate some money to research or shut the fuck up.

-TS Boys.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Blackest White Guy in the Room: A Personal Blog

Tako: Son!!!! That Beard is dope.

Show: I may grow it back.

Tako: You still look gay, hugging that dude.

I have to say the funniest thing I've heard all week was C4 saying: "Please let me know when She's gonna be around so that I take over Blog duties. You be mad lazy hanging with SIBE."

That being said, F**k you C4. Lemmmmmm-onnnnnnn!!!!

It's not too often that I get personal on the blog because quite frankly I think it's unnecessary and corny...and gay. This is a blog bitch, not the diary of Anne Frank. You want personal shit? Meet me at the strip club and we can conversate....whoops, I mean a pair of Chuck Taylors ya dig?

Today, however, I'm gonna let yall get in my head. PAUSE.

Blackest White Guy in the Room

What do yall really know about your favorite blogger other than the fact that he's nappyheaded, likes Latinas and has a penchant for beers from around the world?

Tako: I know he says some borderline gay shit about Post-op Trannys.

Shut up. I wasn't talking to you.

For the rest of you who don't know, I was the President of a predominantly white Fraternity my Sophomore year of college. Sigma Pi, Delta chapter...Bitch.

Why is this relevant? Because niggas stay asking me why I didnt join a black frat.

No disrespect to C4, Naledge or Lefleur, but I can honestly say yall niggas look like monkeys hoppin around stepping and chanting and shit. In all honesty, especially in my college days, the only chant I was interested in was "Shots, Shots, Shots." LOL.

I had no interest in literacy or teen preganacy confrences, going to see public speakers or any of that. I was a hood dude. I wanted to get faded (drunk) and party my Bernie mack colored ass off...and that's what I did. LOL. When I was president we didn't go to any boring function, said fu*k paying National dues on time (that money was reserved for partying), and even re-scheduled the longstanding and established chapter meetings around the Simpsons time slot.

What were they gonna do? Revoke our charter? We were their Ivy League chapter...we made them look good...we held weight, and I know it. Sidenote: Our charter was eventually revoked, but this was wayyyyyyy after my tenure, and thanks to the little bros, we now have it back. LOL)

While I say a lot of this in jest, the fact of the matter is, I joined a white frat ironically because I thought the black frats weren't hood enough. Possibly because I was at an Ivy league school, you run into a lot of black people who think their status as a fried Porgie in a sea of whitefish gets them automatic gangsta points. (insert the howling of a gay ghost...Booo nigga boooooo). People who's parents are Dr.'s and Lawyers are screaming thug life imitating what I call "Ja-Rule Syndrome."

Yes it was sickening and sure it made me want to barf, like gag me with a spoon, but I tolerated it as mere hogwash Tomfoolery. That was, until, you run into a verified instance of a fraudulently foolish fabricated facade.

Frat Black: "Yea son, I see you reppin the east coast? You can tell us east coast G's from the way we bop."

Show: Where you from scrams?

Frat Black: Avon Connecticut Son.

Whaaaaaaaaaaatt??? $101,479 median income per capita Avon? All boys Boarding school Avon? Half million dollar homes Avon? MUTHAFUCKA PLEASE!!!!!

And what did you say??? Your parents? as In you grew up with them both??!!!!! Boy you have about as much street cred as Nick cannon.

And that right there is why I chose to not deal with any of these dudes. Sure there were some real ass dudes in college (shouts to white boy Vick who had the permanent gold grill in an Ivy league school and Dondi with the tattooed hands and Rick Waters Dreads), but they were few and far between. Don't get me wrong, however, being a real ass dude doesnt necessarily mean being a Thug.

Sheeeeeit, Bams and I went to Prep school and you'd be shocked to learn of the money making tricks we learned between there and Upenn...I know you didnt think Work study money was buying 200 dollar Jordans complete with the silver mafia briefcase we used to carry our college books to class in. LOL...And we are not thugs by any stretch of the imiganation. Real ass niggas yes, hooligans no. Well, not Bams at least.

This being said, shouts to all the dudes like Lefleur and C4 though who kept it real simply by being who they were and not trying to be something else. Who knows, if there were more C4's, maybe I woulda joined a frat. That being said...

Shouts to naledge for the nights up drinkin 4o's and freestyling.

Shouts to Lefleur for bein my Yakin partner since we were like 12.

Shouts to K-man, Fish, Milhouse, C-town, Boozay, Slater, Little Brown Bird and Abhi Hendi on the beat for giving me people to get whiteboy wasted with for the past 10 years.


You know all that was bullshit right? Truth is, you can't get white bitches while gallivanting around in a black frat. I was gettin' that presidential Moo-shoo!!! What do I need black women for? I have enough in my family!!! Let's dillute the gene pool a little...get us some good hair.



The only types of white girls who dealt with black dudes at an Ivy League school were a.) Interested in any black guy...and I don't like being lumped with dudes who wear Platinum Fat Albert Fubu shirts in 2009, b.) Ugly or c.) Played sports and therefore were exposed to us colored folk. Exceptions include girls from Cali who just seem to not care about race one way or the other.

Hope you enjoyed learning about the Rock show, and if not....

Go Eat a tampon sandwich garnished with congealed period blood.