Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy NYE ya drunk bums!!!!

It's New Year's Eve Ne-yucckkkas!!!! You know what that means? Yes. A night on the town with the blog ness Monsta.

Be safe and watch out for gay terrorists like Osama Bin Shoppin!!!!! LMAO. Are those Lubuittons???

I will be blogging all night long, and since you'll be in the midst of drunk texting the girl you want to bone but can't find because she's at Club Van Dome looking for a new guy to bone, you can check your facebook (and this Blog) and see what's going on with the Nappyheaded Crew.

That being said....

Happy New years Bitches. And now, some funny pictures you're big bootied mom would approve of.

Insert Omarion and Gucci Mane's "I get it in", as I call child services.

C4: Damn, who knew Rocka had a white baby.
Blog Nessy: My Kids drink Guinness Prick.

Shoulda stayed in the north pole with your "Ho, Ho, Ho's", but wantd to hang out with Tiger woods in Hollywood. LMAO.

Happy Ho-lidays

--Monsta & Killah.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

"White people make you gay? No, Trannys make you gay"

I've tolerated the anoymous and not so subtle racism occasionally left in the coments section as well as the credible death threat from an indivivual who has since been identified, thereby letting me know that shit was realer than titties with stretch marks!

The reason I say this, is because I believe in wholeheartedly keeping it 100, even when it entails allowing other people to use my own blog to diss me, question my divine authority or incinuate that I Today is no different.

I'm gonna post this shit because it makes for good material, and because I'm not a hater. I swear that blog viewership better get past 31 (though I love looking at snottie hottie's face and my boy benny ru who's been down since we were two. Pause. )

Here goes.

A Letter from a concerned reader:

Dear Show, Show-Sho No homo, Blogness Monsta, Nessy , Nappyheaded Asshole or whatever gay monkier or epithet you are using for the day.

Why is it that you continually push the limits of heterosexuality yet use phrases like "no homo" and "pause" like they're going out of style. I have nothing against homosexuals, but I'm sure they have something against you (other than their penises when you are secretly fornicating with them. Lol.) If I was gay, I'd hate your ass. Actually, I'm straight and don't care much for you anyway. That, however, is a moot point.

I read the blog because you are an interestingly strange individual who has at least somewhat mastered his craft. I also like the apparent irony in the "Humility breeds success tattoo" you vain, egocentric son of a bitch. You and your Bromance "Tha Caveman" actually have named your two man operation the "Faceguys". You cannot get any more vein [sic] than that without being jabbed by a needle. Get it? See I'm funny too.

I didn't come here to break your stones about being vain (because it's not new news) or about being gay, because you most likely arent and have probably slept with more women than me. The real reason I have written this dear John letter (or better yet, "dear Jamal letter" you coon...jk) is to let you know that SLEEPING WITH TRANNYS IS NOT ACCEPTIBLE BEHAVIOR FOR A STRAIGHT MAN WHO "No Homo's" everything!!!! Let me explain why.

After your disgusting post I could not ever see myself eating a banana or two melons without puking like a Frat boy during pledge. saying things like "If I found out mid sex that she was a pre-op and she was fine, I'd have her move it out the way" only makes me doubt the validity of your heterosexuality dog (Randy Jackson voice). Pre- or Post op, doesnt define whether or not sleeping with a transgender person is gay. You need to switch your para-dig-ems son !! (Paradigms).

Male or female is primarily determined in the brain's neuro synapses , and it is irrelevant what the physical manifestation presents itself as. Actually, its not irrelevant, cause If I see you with a man with titties or a chick with a huge boner, I'm gonna call you gay (even though it goes against everything I believe.) Fuck it, I've been conditioned by America!! So Sue me! It's hard not to be a hypocrite given my current situation ;)

Theses things being said, I hope you were able to gain something from this rant as I feel like its necessary that you learn to respect transexual culture before immersing yourself in it (as is evident from the foreshadowing posts.) Just for the record, I love the blog and am an avid reder from none other than Money Craven New Haven. When you see me, it will completely blow your mind and you will want to fu*k me. I suggest you start being nicer to your fans.


A Transsexual Puertorican Midget.

Live, Love, WTF!!!!!!


"This is not me fucking with you" --C4

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Awww you're cute...I want to beat you up now.

"Show me the sexiest, most beautiful girl in the world and I'll show you a man who wants to strangle her." --Pop.

Yep. That's pretty much right.

I don't care how rich, nice, beautiful, or fat ass- a-ful a girl is, at some point in time she crosses the threshold from "mildly annoying yet tolerable because I'm trying to or in the midst of hitting it" to outright obnoxiously irritating. This being said, I feel completely comfortable in making the next two statements with no qualms:

1.) If you've never wanted to Chris Brown your girl you = a bitch.

2.) If you have ever Chris Browned your girl, you've crossed the line and shouldn't call yourself a man.

Here's why.

Women push our buttons just to make sure that we still care, and to show us that thy are not pushovers. Little do they know, we are completely aware of this and only refrain from giving them two black eyes like a panda because we have yet to discover a straight alternative to sex with women. No homo. Sure some niggas are past this stage and only refrain from racooning the eyes of their significant other because they are tired of going to jail...but these niggas are outliers.

Don't get me wrong. I don't condone domestic violence. (Mary J Blige, punching your husband in the face at a restaurant is not OK). I do however, condone the thought of it. No harm no foul. It's like wanting to fu*k your girlfriend's friends, mom and cousins...just don't show up at the house with condoms wine coolers and Chris Hansen (To catch a Predator reference.) To me, admitting that you want to fu*k your girl up sometimes is the first step in a truly honest relationship and in all honesty, she'd probably rather hear that than "honey, lay off the're packing on those pounds like an overstuffed British wallet." If you don't agree with this theory because you've never wanted to karate chop your ho, you either haven't been with her long enough, have never dated a pepperican or only date boys (which allows you to actually fight them thereby eliminating the need for hypothetical violence.) In all of those situations, I feel sorry for you...and I feel sorry for your mother (Korean man from Menace II Society voice).

Real niggas unite!!! Let's start a bonfire and sing about how much we want to fu*k up our significant others! They may hate us for it now, but in the end, they'll realize that we hit them out of love...hypothetically speaking of course. LOL.

Disclaimer: Don't go out and actually beat your woman (unless she gives you an untreatable STD...what up Chris Breezy!! No homo.) Hiting women is a bitch move and quite frankly, its racing retarded not like the super special Olympic gorilla strength regular, drool on myself retarded people. As a matter of fact, it is the equivalent to raping kittens. You wouldn't want to be a kitten rapist, would you? lol.

Live, Love, Women


Monday, December 28, 2009

Most Memorable Rap Lines...Ever. (Pt. 1)

"I'll throw a TV at you crazy, b*tches say P, you crazy..." -Bandanna P (Prodigy)

Yes nigga, you are crazy.

If you've listened to any hip hop in the post 1990's Death Row & Wu Tang eras, you know that being a powerful force in the rap world is becoming exponentially less associated with actual skill.

Look at Ol Dirty Bastard (ODB). We loved his crazy ass the same way people now seem to love Gucci Mane (Ugggggh) yet no one would have the cotton picking nerve to describe either of them as a Lyricist. On the other hand, you've got the Lupe Fiascos and Sha Stimuli's who are lyrically a cut above the rest, yet can't sell records. Sucks for you guys.

All these things being said, Nappyheadedbros has decided to pay a type of homage of sorts to both these types of MC's as in the end, it doesn't matter if you suck or are the greatest of all time, what matters is if people remember you.

Showrocka Presents... most memorable rap lines:

Disclaimer: Rappers Delight was memorable, but left out cause I don't give a hoodrat's ass about that old school shit.

"You wanna battle me, you need a track from God featuring Jesus and Jay Z" --T.I

Classic foreshadowing of how everyone would later ride Jay Z's nuts harder than a skydiving parachute harness.

"I'm from where you can't put your vest away and say you'll wear it tomorrow cause the day after we'll be sayin 'damn, I was just with him yesterday" --Hov

Possibly one of Jay Z's finest lines from arguably his best song to date. Cough up a lung where I'm from Marcy Son. Unfortunately, I don't care how rich he is, he's not going to make the blasting of his classic "Reasonable Doubt" acceptable in the Hamptons. Sure you may have had Oprah sippin quarter waters in the projects, but in the end, you both went home. Bourgeoisie bitches.

"Inhale deep like the words of my breath, I never sleep, 'cause sleep is the cousin of death" --Nas

Profound words from the nigga who's always trying to sound profound & intelligent despite the fact that half the time he has no idea what he's talking about.

"Dead in the middle of Little Italy little did we know that we riddled some middleman who didn't do diddily" --Pun

A silly one ever really knew what he was saying, but it was hot...and we recited it time after time.

"I wonder why we take from our women Why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it's time to kill for our women, Time to heal our women, be real to our women. And if we don't we'll have a race of babies that will hate the ladies, that make the babies" -Pac

Ironically tupac was sent to Jail for sexual assault. Luckily for his legacy, it was painstakingly obvious that he was innocent of the crime and only guilty of being a degenerate thug. Enter the era of rapper persecution (not to be confused with the era of "free miscellaneous guilty rappers for no reason").

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti, He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready.."

This nigga won a grammy. White people = +1. Oh wait, 3-6 Mafia won an Oscar. White people = -1 (not counting slavery and credit scores, which would make the tally "blacks = 1, Whites= 100,000,000). LOL.

"The iron horse is the train and champagne is bubbly, A deuce is a honey that's ugly .If your girl is fine, she's a dime, A suit is a fine, jewelry is shine
If you in love, that mean you blind" --Big L

Sure he made up a few slang terms, but this song "Ebonics" was like the Merriam Webster's Dictionary of hood terms. I'm sure white people wish they knew about this five years ago before some of the words became outdated.

"B. Sieg in the third lane, Grams still prayin' workin on my nerves man...
Like, "Son you gotta get your soul clean...Before they blow them horns like Coltrane..."But still I cry tears of a hustler Wipe tears from my mother, pour out beers for my brothers...That's above us, make beds for the babies,Tuck kids under covers, buy cribs for their mothers" -Beanie

To anyone who says Jay Z only signed talentless hacks (ahem...memph...ahem...bleek...) in order to elevate his status as the greatest (yea right), I say listen to this song. Beanie may have been rough around the edges, but he was lyrically a beast.

"Money and blood don't mix like 2 d---s with no chick/ Find yourself in serious s---" --B.I.G

Biggie with the ambiguously gay rhymes again. Why do we tolerate it? because excluding Pac he was he best ever.

In the bible it says, what goes around, comes around/ Almost shot me, three weeks later he got shot down, Now it's clear that I'm here, for a real reason/
'Cause he got hit like I got hit, but he ain't f*cking breathing " -Fif

This line was memorable because it was true. Fifty Cent was the firs one to start telling the details of street transactions (aka dry snitching) on records. LOL. you cant deny its pretty gangsta to taunt those who shot you over national airwaves. Na-na-na-nah-nah-nahhhhhh.

Hold ya head Prodigy, I can't say "Free Bandana P" cause the nigga's guilty.

Live, Love, Hiphop

--Blogness Monsta aka Nessy

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Holiday Message 2009 / Top Girls of the Year

First I wanna scream out "Progress!!!!" No that's not no Obama Shit, but rather a testament to the fact that we really care about our followers and that yes we've noticed that our # of followers has gone up to 28 after being stuck at 27 for a few months!!

It may not seem like much but we go hard and apprciate the love. If yall can get it up to 30 by the new year I promise New Years week to give you 2 blogs a day...all hot shit!!! All it takes is a click. Click follow and show me you love me. Or just sex-text me some dirty pics. That will show you love me too. LMAO.

And now.....

A special holiday message from the Nappyheadedbros.



!!!!!! "

Get it? If not you're stupid and I sincerely overestimated your intelligence...either that or your general knowledge is so cultural specific that you should a.) be ashamed of yourself and b.) make sure to take a double douse of Nappyheadedbros. Pause.

Just because we like you, and it's almost Christmas I'm gonna bless you (pause) with a little Christmas gift. Enjoy.

Show's Top 10 Girls under 175 lbs for 2009

10.) Rosci Diaz from 106 & Park

9. Old Head Mariah Carey

8. Sticky Nikki Minaj

7. Cassie (even with the fu*ked up hair she's sexy. Actually her shaved half-head is kinda cool).
6. Ashley Dupre (aka Spitzer's call it if you don't watch news.)

5. Spanish TV vixen turned Tyler Perry Movie star (Uggh) Sophia Vergara. Oww Oww.

4. Lauren London aka 1 of the women having Lil Weezy's baby in the same month.
3. Kim Kardasian...Reggie ain't hittin that right.

2. Amber Rose...Kanye aint hittin that right.

1. Alicia Keys. Drops Mic.

Live, Love, That girl.
P.s. Sorry Rosie Perez, you're still our #1...we just had to be fair.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Which of Showrock's Friends will be Asshole of the Year? (Pt.1)

Guess what? I already know what you guys like to read blogs about (i.e Showrocka's relationship theories, my crazy friends and C4's hodgepodge of Pop culture critiques.) The problem with this, however, is that I have to systematically reinvent these things on a daily basis in order to keep your renewed interest without deviating from my trusty tried and true formula. This being said, I'm going old school...but with a new school twist.

Don't like it ? Go eat a post mortem cadaver cunt stuffed with necrophiliac semen. Uggggghhhhkkk (Clipse Voice).

And now, presents to you...

Which of Showrock's Friends will be Asshole of the Year? (Pt.1)

Anyone who has ever attended or visited the University of Pennsylvania is familiar with a little place we like to call Philly Diner. We like to call it that because that's its name. LOL.

See that big sign that says open 24 hours? Yea....that's pretty much a moot point now, as the Diner's status as the only on campus all night eatery (excluding Fresh Grocer Supermarket), has been revoked. That's right folks....the food was never that great , though the seasonal pumpkin pancake jawns were the sheeeeit (the Dream voice), but no one cared because post club at 4:00am anything tastes better than drunken college girl Jager breath or cold pizza.

That's right folks, a staple in the west Philadelphia /center city area is no more...and no one is to blame, except one of showrock's friends. In his defense, however, Philly Diner has had shooting incidents before, but I guess this one (being a drive-by and all) was the last straw.

And now, the first nomination for Asshole of the year goes to Young Slope Rocka.

Slope: I think I've outgrown philly man...either that or these broads are getting uglier. I need a bourgeoisie NY chick who respects the art of poppin bottles.

Associate: Yea man, fu*k it. Lets just go get a grub, go home and call some late night scallywags.

Slope: Philly diner?

Associate: Done, and Done. Let's get, get, get it (Shawty Lo voice).

Seems like a typical 3:00 am convo at a late night diner right? Well it was. That is, until mr. Slope "always schemin on broads" rocka begins chatting it up with a nice brown skinned philly jawn seemingly sitting alone. I like this narrating shit. I feel like the unsolved mysteries dude.


Slope: So what you doin out here by's late. Your girls leave you at the club?

Brown skinned cutie: Nah, I was just hungry. I live around here.

(Whoop, Whoop...That + bamboo earrings = chickenhead alert!!!!!!! Seriously? You Left your house at 3:00am for pancakes and miscellaneous thug nigga courtship?)

Slope: So what you gettin into later? I was thinking....

In comes the ruckus of 5 dudes and 1 girl walking in and straight towards the brown skinned cutie.

Cash money Goon #1: What' the twist ma? I aint seen you in a minute.

Slope : Damn son, you don't see me standin here.

As slope laughs, drunk and apparently unaware that he's fuckin with the wrong dudes, he notices they all have matching tattoos...on their face.

Slope: Are those teardrops? You mean to tell me you all killed exactly the same amount of people at the same time...yea OK.

Cash money goon #2: Who the fu*k is this clown. They aint teardrops...they dollar signs, cause we about that money.

Slope the Penn grad investment banker turned wildly reckless hood nig*a finds this hilarious and is laughing in their faces while yelling:

Slope: you bout that money? How much you make a year nigga? I probably spent it on bottles at Mansion or greenhouse. Hahahahaha. Yall look retarded.

Associate (seeing the impending danger & grabbing slope by the arm): Let's go!!!

Cash money Goon #1: What this nigga talkin bout?

Associate: Nothin, nothin...we out. have a nice night.

Sounds like some stupid hogwash, drunken tomfoolery until slope and his associate arrive home and find out and call some smutty-ups (jump offs, casual hook-ups.)

Jawn #1: Yea we walked by philly Dinner and it was all taped off. It just got shot up! Some dudes came in there lookin for some loud mouth New York dude and couldn't find him so they shot up the diner. They said something about it possibly being gang related cause the guys faces were all tatted up. Think it was the bloods?

Slope: I don't know, but I sure could use some dome...

Jawn # 2: You nasty slope.

Slope: I don't care (Pun Voice). LOL.

As of this date in Spring 09', Philly diner has not been open 24 hours. Friends should not let friends piss off goons.

Live, Love, Pumpkin Pancakes


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Gucci & Weezy (aka Ganstaliscious & Thugnificent) go to Jail

This is what it looks like...when thugs cry. LOL.

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That shit is dope right? I'm nice with the Microsoft Word game son!! Sike. I stole that off the Internet. LOL. What? I'm a blogger. I'm online all day!!! Nevertheless, on with the post Negroes & hoes.

Now it may sound strange that a nigga who's never been to jail is offering advice to niggas who are about to go to jail (and by default are indubitably more gangsta), but sometimes you need a fresh perspective from the outside. This being said, I would like to bring to light the inherent foolishness in the most common piece of pre-jail advice disseminated..."Don't drop the soap."

Ahhh, I get it. Don't drop the soap because it will lead to you being bent over thereby converting you into an easy target for Jail rapist predators.

WTF!!! Do you think these diesel ass niggas (who obviously aren't above taking their "boy-pussy") are siting there waiting like "ah ha...gotcha. You bent over and consequently my sly and cunning nature allowed me to take advantage and slip it in!!! 1 point for me"? Fuck no.

If they want it they're gonna try and take it anyway. you better just practice your naked karate and get some tips from your oriental friends.

JK. Karate is for all races...just ask this white man.

A better piece of advice is this, "Stay out the shower!!" sheeiiiiit, I assume its that much easier to get raped while naked, and if I were Weezy's size and trying to fight off the inevitable, the least I would do is make it difficult for the would-be rapist. Even better yet, (since you cant do a year long jail stint without showering), is this: "Hold ya head kid." This makes sense because by holding your head up you're more alert and less likely to get it bashed in.

And now for some more helpful jail advice....

For Gucci aka Gangstalicious (pause...Boondocks Reference):

--Wear a wife beater. You have enough tattoos to look tough, but if your shirt is off , your 12 year old boy chest and portly pot belly only make you look weak...or like a pedophiles dream. Watch out for Pleasure P (of Pretty Ricky)..he'll be joining you shortly.

--Be careful that you do not run into an drug dealer with whom you've had a previous altercation. You've been here before, you know the system.

--Stay away from the Crips. You shot and killed one of Young Jeezy's homeboys and he's heavily affiliated with that both Crips and BMF. As a matter of fact, you might as well try and align yourself with some bloods.

--Bring a blanket. It will be cold. Burrrrrrr!!! LOL.

--Do not tell everyone your best friend's name is O.J. They may confuse "da juiceman" with the original "Juice", aka Mr. "If I did it" Orenthal James. This may set off white prisoners and create a frenzy.

For Weezy aka Thugnificent (2nd Boondocks reference...get with it):

--Dont go to jail with your hair looking like this. Someone will fu*k your little tattooed ass right in the poop shoot.

--Kick the habit.

You definitely don't wanna be walking around the bing (jail) in a codeine induced haze. There will be no sweet dreaming, only "not so beautiful" nightmares. LOL.

--Start hanging out with real bloods and have Birdman call out every favor he's ever been owed so that you get butt raped as little as possible...playboy....

--Offer everyone record deals just so long as they protect you. As most of these people are better rappers than half of the numb skulls on your label, this gesture will seem both genuine and plausible.

--Fuck it. Tell evrybody that if they leave you alone you'll bring Nikki Minaj to the visiting room once a week. Sheeeiiiiiit. You'll be good with that one kid.

I know we make light of nearly any situation that doesnt involve ourselves being deprived of titties or sent to jail, but we here at Nappyheadedbros would like to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation at hand.

Two very small dudes are about to go to jail and be placed in very compromising situations. Not only will we pray for yall and wish you the best, we will also send you an Xmas time care package complete with the Bros #1 and #2 jailhouse X-mas gifts for people under 150 lbs. Soap Knuckles and Razor blade soap....cause soap on a rope is soooooooo
last year. :)

Live, Love, Freedom & Sheyla Hershey

--The Blogness Monsta

Monday, December 21, 2009

Monkeys, White Babies, and Cats: Oh My!

You teach a monkey Tae Kwon Do and what happens? He turns around and kicks you in the f***in head. Noww don't you feel like a dickhead. Yeah. You should. Oh you don't believe me? This is directly from the London Telegraph:

Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province.

But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head.

Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film."

At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head.

He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off.

Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack."

I feel like it's safe to say that shit writes itself, I don't need to add too much analysis. Time and time again, people try to befriend monkeys and chimps and orangutans, treat em like people and shit, and what happens? They rip your face off (we need not revisit the Chimp Lady photos post on this very blog about a month ago). They kick you in the head and proceed to whoop yo ass like the Triads.

Why does this happen, though? What about the primate population make them so volatile? And untrustworthy?

To quote my man from the movie, "Congo," (ironically another "primates out of control" tale) "They're smart. They're too damn smart."

As the next step down on the evolutionary chart, primates: monkeys, chimpanzees, apes, orangutans, gorillas, mandrills, humans who appear on reality television, are the next smartest creatures walking the face of the earth (at least until the Great Dolphin Uprising enslaves us all {some of you remember that Simpsons episode}).

However, they still are meant to swing through trees and crack open their food to eat it, leaving even the smaller primates with more strength than your average big angry retard on steroids.

Congratulations, you're going to hell. Cuz I know you laughed.

Google image search "retard strength" and this shows up. Coincidence? I think not.

The end result is that you're left with an animal smart enough to learn fairly advanced concepts, but also strong enough that you can't corral them once they've been bestowed with these new skills. The combined strength, smarts, and lack of monkey morals is a recipe for mayhem.

White people and Asians, STOP TRAINING THESE MONKEYS! STOP ADOPTING THESE MONKEYS! They will destroy us all! We're gonna have to hire some robots to handle these monkeys, cuz humans are losing right now. It'll be something like Planet of the Apes Vs. The Matrix. The twist at the end is that they become friends and just enslave humans, but the dolphins come to our rescue, leading to the first ever land-sea coalition of mammals. Go ahead. Steal my idea. I'll sue your ass.

SIDEBAR ALERT! White people will adopt Asian kids, African kids, and monkeys, but inner city American black kids can't get adopted. No love. WTF?! And don't think I forgot about you, DeMarcus Ware! You and your black wife adopting a white baby and raising it. Why? I mean, adoption is great, adopt any baby you want. But f*** that, nigga! Little baby white girls get adopted faster than anybody. Ask Lionel Richie. And look at Nicole (I know she's mixed, but she's rich and has blonde hair so why slice garlic). Exactly. Is that what you want? You don't impress me, DeMarcus Ware. You wanna impress me, ya rich country bastard, adopt an 11-year-old black boy. Until then, EAT A DICK. No homo.

C'mon, son. C'mon son. (Ed Lover voice)

Are dogs and cats not good enough anymore? You need to love animals with opposable thumbs covered in hair? Teach them your secrets and watch them end you? F*** that son. Y'all need to do things like gangs and the mob. Loyalty over everything. Primates are disloyal sons of bitches. By the loyalty model, dogs are the clear #1. Cats come in at #2 because while they don't show as much love, they cover their own poop (except Geneva in Santa Monica, who gets a pass for rocking a NappyHeadedBros polo, even though she didn't hold for the pose with the logo.)

F*** monkeys. Not literally.


Friday, December 18, 2009

White America's Worst Nightmares

Sometimes I just like seeing when white people are nervous: it tickles me. I enjoy watching them squirm a litle, just knowing their own prejudice is drowning them in fear. Albeit fear that prompts action which serves to turn those very tables against me in the court of law, but that's besides the point. The entertainment factor is worth it; those pale bastards were gonna hate regardless, might as well get some joy from it. But what do these nightmares look like? Who keeps Bill O'Reilly up at night? What makes Ann Coulter shiver? Yeah, I'm ranking that too. Hollla at me.

10. Reggie Bush
You're probably thinking, "Reggie Bush? Really?" Well kinda. It probably should've been written with quotes around his name, because it's not Reggie Bush exactly, but it's who/what Reggie Bush represents that puts him on this list. The idea of Reggie Bush, rather. Look at the above photo. It was picked for a reason. He's in business attire. His shape-up is crisp! And most importantly, Kim Kardashian (aka Weird Science for black men, young'ns research the movie) is bent over grinding on him in evening wear. If I'm an old racist white guy, especially a wealthy one, I'm having an aneurism right now. Cuz this is a black man who can't be stopped. He's the cool and popular but also intelligent athlete who went to your daughter's prep school. He's good-looking, athletic, articulate. If his athletic career doesn't pan out, he'll find his way to Wall Street. And worst of all, your daughter wants to f*** him. She might even want to marry him, God forbid, LOL. You can't write him off as a thug or a criminal. How could you? He's had dinner at your house. He's Young, Gifted, and Black. Guess you'll have to discriminate against him in the workplace and attempt to sabotage his future before he gives you hazel-eyed mulatto babies.

9. Soulja Boy Tell EmHere's the guy making the music playing while Reggie Bush dances with your daughter. He's making super-catchy music, and his target audience wears braces. Dude is only like 19-20 his damn self, don't forget. Soulja Boy, contrary to popular belief, isn't Black America's Nightmare, he's White America's Nightmare. Why? He's a self-made millionaire, an entrepeneur, producer and MC (that last title is questionable, yes.) Most importantly, he's taken the thug mystique and made it non-alcoholic. His Kidz Bop-friendly tunes have middle-schoolers all over the country hopping out of the bed, turning their swag on before they go to school so that after the closing bell rings they can go home and kiss each other through the phone. And that's why the new generation's Master P is the #9 Caucasian Nightmare. He's a gateway drug of sorts for the next guy on the list.

8. 50 CentLook at this nigga! Getting smooches from the wealthiest whore with no redeeming qualities in the free world. He's almost a combo of the first two. Thugged out persona, catchy tunes, swoll up and always taking his shirt off, makes little white girls go nuts all over the world. Fif is a shrewd businessman too, don't get it twisted. And a marketing genius. In other words, a smart thug. I think Bill O'Reilly just threw up in Oprah's mouth.

7. EminemHe's easily one of the best lyricists ever...and he's white. Think they'd be proud, right? WRONG!!! WRONG!!! He's druggie white trash, and that's no good for the image. On top of that, he attacks the teeny-bop pop princesses the masses are taught to worship. And he's homophobic! And worst of all, he gives props to all his negro collaborators. Little Eric looks just like him. And wants to be him. For shaaaaaaame!

6. Tiger WoodsYou see that smile? Is it the "I just fucked a blond pornstar" smile, or is it the "I just fucked two blonde lingerie models" smile? Or is it the "I just did both of those things today and I STILL get to go home to my hot blonde Swedish model wife whose womb I have fertilized with fruitful seed" smile? Well, not in the last month it isn't. But it's still the smile of the recently crowned, "Athlete of the Decade," a title he earned while UBER-DOMINATING GOLF, the ultimate white man's sport. Forever tainted with a 4-piece wings with pork fried rice flavor, smearing the fairways with Asian and Negro blood. And then fucking pornstars and lingerie models before returning to his supermodel Swedish wife. Without the scandal breaking and the subsequent humbling, he's way higher on this list.

5. Lil WayneTwo reasons Weezy ranks at this spot. He beats the other entertainers on the list because he is a black ROCK STAR, straight up. The hair, the tattoos, the swag, no homo, this nigga is crushing the game, and white chicks from the pre-pubescent to the post-menopausal are rocking his shit. Also would rank higher if the man didn't already catch up with him and send him to jail for a year, starting Feb 9, 2010. Hold ya head, son.

4. MTV's Jersey ShoreI thought we'd never get reparations. But this pure guidooonery is reparations enough for Flavor of Love. Domino's pulling ads, Italian-Americans bitchin and moaning. Y'all ain't say shit while a nigga in a viking helmet and a fucking clock around his neck single-handedly set back the black race 40 years by spawning a seemingly never-ending franchise. Well the tables have turned. How's it taste, muthafucka?! (Sam Jackson voice) I was so happy a white man punched Snooki in the face, cuz if it were a black guy (God knows what he'd be doing there) we'd NEVER hear the end of it. I'm TiVo-ing this whole season, bitches.

3. Justice Sonia SotomayorLou Dobbs shits his pants daily. Daily. Because a Latina is sitting on the highest court in the land, and he's so scared that his bowels have gained a mind of their own, wondering when she'll persuade the court to open the borders to her Mexican hermanos (yes I know she's not Mexican) and they'll take over the USA with their hard work for no pay attitude. Feliz Navidad, Maricon!

2. Kimbo SliceThis nigga is MY worst nightmare. Do you SEE this muthafucka? This is what all white people wake up screaming about. That this vicious ass-whooping machine (youtube him if you don't know) will break into their homes and murder them with his fists, after raping their wives and daughters...and husbands. I shit myself twice just uploading this picture, and I'm black. Damn. Dat's a baaaaaaaad mutha-SHUT-YO-MOUF! I'm just talkin' bout Kimbo.

1. Barack ObamaYes We Can! We in the White House. Need I say more? I think so. Here's the thing about President Obama (which still just feels good to say, right?). Unlike his boy Tiger, this man IS squeaky clean. So clean, so beloved the world over (except maybe in China, Russia and Iran), so smart, so not George Bush, so gives a shit about the world. If there was ANY dirt on him, it would've been found by now. It hasn't, and it won't, cuz it ain't there. God bless him.

Long Live Obama!

-C4 2 Ya Door at the Jersey Shore with Kimbo bumping "Turn My Swag On"