Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Tunnel Vision (Pt. 1)


Tunnel vision (N)

1 :  constriction of the visual field resulting in loss of peripheral vision 
2 :  extreme narrowness of viewpoint :  narrow-mindedness; also :  single-minded concentration on one objective

With Merriam Webster's definition of tunnel vision being such a simple one, you would be hard pressed to find a segment of the population unfamiliar with its meaning and intent. This being said, the irony present when gaining a deeper understanding of the definition, is that people often have too much tunnel vision to realize they are not exempt from its perils. Deny it all you want, but you....yes you....may be a victim of tunnel vision, seeing only what you want to rather than the actual truth. While this type of blindness from reality can occur in all facets of life, its research is a grandiose task, and for today we seek to tackle only one element...fashion...well, more specifically, hair. Hold on to your stupid undertaker hats and baby micro Jesus pieces fashionistas...It's gonna be a wildly eye-opening ride (pause.)

 Stupid Hairstyles: Men


While wildly popular in regard to his infectious crooning to the female species bringing out the inner groupie, freak and dare I say, whore, the weekend has started the godawful trend of what I'm going to call the "dread hawk." Now I myself come from a culture where weirdo shit such as this is frowned upon...I mean, come on b. We don't even rock bald fades (or anything with the sides shaved) anymore. Maybe I am a throwback to a greater era.....maybe I'm just a disgruntled oldhead and this trend seems perfectly acceptable to the mo-hawk generation. Who knows? All I know is that this aint fly my g.

 And to those of you who claim this is not a widespread style I challenge you to look at the challenging landscape of young, rich ni**as.  (See the emphasis on rich because nobody is hiring you looking like this, unless you have someone as cool as me for a boss)

NBA player Eldrid Payton
Aka the ni**a who looks like the ni**a from Hey Arnold
 And then there's emo America's sweetheart, J "zzzzzzzz" Cole.

Col(d) world.


And once famous people start doing it, regular dudes think that they can bypass fame and wealth, thereby getting to the Yams at the same rate via a similarly stupid dreadlocked up-do. 

 
 I rest my case.

Stupid Hairstyles: Women

Yall ladies couldn't possibly think you were exempt from this post, could you? Not with all the post-cassie fuckery going on on the right side of your heads. There was a time when only Jamaican dancehall artists rocked this hairstyle, and I cant lie...it was kinda hot. Now, however, it has worked its way into the realm of regular woman-dom. Not only do we men risking looking stupid by grabbing air, should we try to pull your hair from the wrong side while tappin dat azz, but we also risk the chance of being catfished if we catch you from a side angle. Shit, you are even doing yourselves harm ladies! If you wear your hat on a slant like T.I or adobese from OZ we may even mistake you for a man or butch lesbian. But forget all that....own your identity...girl power! Black girls rocks! White girls kick ass! All that good shit. Forget what we men think and do what's best for you!

 

Now that you've allowed me to articulately get out of being called a misogynist and walk you into this set-up I will say that this style is NOT what is best for you. This "look" may be the equivalent resume killer to a face tattoo. Should people judge you by your hairstyle? No. Will they? Yes.

Congratulations. you are an independent woman who doesn't care what the male emphasized standard of beauty is...but you've gone to far and now you don't have a job. Good luck being independent.

The biggest problem of all caused by this phenomenon is...you guessed it....our good friend tunnel vision.

While you think you look like this....





You really, more often than not, look like this.





Unlike Mr. Mackelmore's hit lyrics tell you, however, "You can change...even if you wanted to."

So do it. Do it now.  Be the change you want to see in the world. Lol.


Culturally Appropriate Hairstyles: Men


Now don't get me wrong...there's a lot of guys out there rockin the fly perms.

Tako: Thats a disclaimer because you had one for the first two years I knew you. And this was in philly! During the 2000's!!!

C4: Facts!

Moving right along..... the problem is most people just come of looking ridiculous and that's just me keeping it 100 with ya soul brother # 1.

 

Trinidad: Rock approved. Jidenna: Rock Approved.

Wja3: Rock. Suspect.


Chill homie. I can't lie...there's something calming about feeling a girl's hands through your "freshly relaxed 3/4 cherokee, women mad cause their hangtime aint like mine, manicured mane." For a time, on the East coast, and an even longer time on the West, this was the wave. Shit...ask Jim Jones, Ask Max B. Girls wanted to be with them and guys wanted to be them. Sadly (in my opinion), that time has passed. Finding time to get perms as a grown ass man is also not optimal.

 

That fact alone often leads to more tunnel vision than you would believe. Men often go out, pinky ring shinin', thinking they look like this.....


 

When the reality is they, more often than not, end up portraying themselves quite differently. See below:


Poor James Brown
and Poor Asap "My baby's father left me" Rocky


Worse still.....

The oldheads..... Hey uncle C!
And the Pimps (outside of Chicago and Detroit where this is acceptable ONLY because its better than finger waves.)

 Culturally Appropriate Hairstyles: Women

Now I've never been one to characterize anything as exclusively white or black, (like whites did to drinking fountains and entrances back in the 40's), as I am an equal opportunity hater.  Certain styles, however, do not translate to all hair types, and whit a great deal of white people having finer hair, I would kindly advise you to stay away from cornrows for your own good.



Why Kim Why? (And why didnt Ye' stop her)


I understand you may be in Jamaica and it's "the thing to do" or you view it as a "low maintenance" beach style that is super cute, but just don't let that tunnel vision set in.

Tako: Ummmm hmmmm Girlfriend.

In the end, and in the absence of good friends, you will think you look like this.....

 

When all the public can see is this.....

   

Friends don't let friends look foolish unless they've lost a bet. It appears this generation has a lot of learning to do or else there are going to be a lot more posts in this series. Nobody is a protected class, nobody is exempt. This is like Charlemagne's Donkey of the day, only unlike in radio, Internet ridicule lasts forever.

-Bros

**disclaimer: don't feel as though this is an insult to you. You are free to rock any hairstyle you want regardless of color, religion or creed. The right to look cool, or stupid, is a choice that is all you own.

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