Monday, February 22, 2016

It Goes Down in the DM...and it Should.

It goes down in the Dm….no, really, it actually does.


     For those of you unfamiliar with rapper Yo Gotti’s now infamous song , “It goes down in the Dm” or what he is referring to, please allow me to elaborate.  “The DM” not to be confused with the DL (pause) , is shorthand notation for social media platform Instagram’s “direct message” feature.  While typical Instagram posts and messages, like those on facebook, can be seen by all, or at least all of those in ones friend network, the DM is an exclusive back alley chatroom with just you and your intended recipient. Wanna know the best part? You don’t even have to know the person to send a DM (I imagine this could get annoying for females). Wanna fuck a celebrity? Hit them in the Dm. Many (guys mostly) have even been known to reply (see: Knicks guard J.R. Smith).

This is a real DM. LMAOOOO.

     Now if you think this is as shady as slim sitting under a beach umbrella, you are right. It is shady…but guess what? There’s big business in infidelity.  The question which arises out of all this, however, is whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing. The natural inclination would be to say “fuck no it’s not a good thing”, because everyone knows “cheating is wrong” but of course the argument to the contrary would be, if people are gonna cheat anyway, at least allow them a way to do it without embarrassing their significant others and influencing the moral compass of the rest of the world.

Welcome to the Dm’s….the urban Ashley Madison where nudes, d*ck pics and illicit affairs turn from insta-fantasies to reality. 

Built into the Direct Message Feature is the ability of the user to “block” anyone who posts objectionable material or whom they simply do not want to send them messages. Sounds perfect. If you’re single and that sexy little porker from work you always wanted to romp with but didn’t want anyone to know hits you up, score! If the old flame from college decides you should re-connect over lunch and neither of you want your current, not so serious significant others to know? Double Score. She can get some side di*k without upping her body count (men she’s slept with) and he can get the smitten kitten for the cost of a few latte’s.  The Dm even works for those lonely nights when HENNYthing is possible. An ugly girl or guy you don’t know slides in your DM? Hey!? Why not. Nobody will know and you may get a free meal, cop a feel or even half of their income tax refund in return. Splash!

It's me....
So far, the DM sounds like the stuff dreams are made of. Champagne showers, diamond bubble baths and unicorn p*ssy. So what’s not to like? Let’s say you are not so single…you are in a longstanding, highly publicized relationship and some old flame, or new hottie strategically maneuvers into your dm. You automatically block them right? Right? … Right? Oh you didn’t? Ooooooooh you nasty.

Umm hmmm

Have you ever heard the phrase, “a person is only as faithful as their options?” Well lets just say that maybe our parents (for affluent minorities and most non-minorities) and Grandparents (for the rest of us) had longer lasting marriages because they didn’t have as many options.  As frightful as this seems, it may be rooted in some truth. Whereas nowadays people have access to the opposite sex via email, text message, telephone and every app imaginable, back in the days it was either in person or via phone. Now if you are married and live together that would mean you most likely would be having an affair at one of the few places you would be without your significant other…that would be work, business trips or possibly the gym. Check the statistics!

 Even that being said, you clearly wouldn’t be making phone calls in your home which you wife and children could overhear, so the window for engagement would be that much more limited. Now, people operate in the exact opposite fashion. Silent text messages and kissy faced emojis which can be sent with 1 finger while cooking dinner and fixing the kids lunches for school. The DM is real…and it’s poppin’. This, undoubtedly scares the hell out of people, but it shouldn’t.  Putting yourself in a bubble has never been the best way to protect yourselves from the worlds ills, the same way that ignoring a sickness has never produced a cure.

  We all remember the girl in highschool who’s parents wouldn’t let her out the house unattended and how when she got to college she drank 151 and semen at a rate of 1 liters per minute. Maybe the DM is the cure for all this! Maybe the DM is the antidote to all of the pent up sexual aggression in society…a place where flirtation blurs lines and where people who previously felt like they were suffocating can now feel as though they aren’t missing out. Of course this opens the door for others who are truly about that life to push limits either further, but these are the type of individuals seeking such deviance who would do it anyway. Only this time, its being done with a catch. The block button...a safe word. If ever you feel out of your comfort zone you can always terminate at will. 


The best part of this, is that it is all behind closed doors thereby sparing your family and significant the embarrassment and shame for an act you never actually committed. I bet your grandma would’ve preferred Grandad in the DM rather than drunk feeling on booties at the local tavern or colmado, listening to her friends (who's husbands were doing the same) say “you know he’s no good.” Now this isn’t saying that we condone sexting and all of the other nonsense that goes on in the DMs (hell if you're sending him racy pics you may as well give up the butt) , but you’ve gotta take the good with the bad. People refuse to admit that sometimes you have to look at what other people are eating, or at least the entirety of the menu, to feel better about your menu choice. Sometimes you have to dip your foot in the water to know it’s ice cold and don’t want to dip anything else in there, feel me? 

For men, the visual creatures that we are, I feel like we have strip clubs for this. Wonder what it would look like if those titties you were sucking every night were white instead of Black? Hit the strip club (just not in Bridgeport….try Milford). Lol.  Hey, sometimes you gotta see pink nipples to know you don’t want pink nipples, feel me?

 Women, unfortunately, don’t have this same type of venue.  Women have the Dm. I ,however, am OK with that, because in the end, letting her see all the clowns her single friends are forced to deal with only solidifies your status as the king that you are.  As long as her Blocked to read ratio is about 90 to 1, I can live with that…any more than that and “tell that ni**a to chip in and pay some bills.” LOL. Case in point, it does go down in the DM….and it will continue to do so, like it or not. So stop crying about it.


1 comment: said...

I love reading your posts, full of sarcastic humor and actual facts! This one is very different from your usual posts but very eye opening none the less!