Tuesday, July 8, 2014

FacebooKKK & Instagram: Kermit, Daquan & the Politics of Black Self Hate

When attempting to discourse at the highest level it is imperative that one realizes he or she may subjected to great scrutiny and even greater hate, oftentimes by people less qualified and educated, or simply by broke ass nig*as and ugly hoes. That being said, I will say from the start that I do realize the irony of writing a blog on black self hate and still freely using the N-word like I have a new mixtape coming out. To that I say This:

A.) My own usage does not have some faux-intelligent rationale about taking back a hurtful word and reversing the tables on racism by using it for empowerment,
b.) I use it because it now has a life of its own and has become an entirely different word than the hurtful slur and misnomer derived by ancient white people not being able to pronounce the country of Niger whilst enslaving our people and
C.) Because nig*a…, it is what it is.

Tako: Oh, this ni**a is back on his shit.

I’m not sure why, but every time I look on Facebook or Instagram, commonly referred to as IG, I always see a trend which catches on, usually started by the black culture and oftentimes demeaning it whether knowingly or unknowingly. I’ve been told that sometimes you have to laugh to avoid crying….this is true.
 It is also true that a lot of these trendy Instaposts, memes and screen-shotted fake quotes are funny…but at who’s expense? I laugh at a lot of the clever satirical jokes and not so subtle portrayals of the nuances of black culture, but I laugh because I’m mature enough to understand them in the context of today. Everybody is a little bit culturally insensitive (I don’t want to say racist because some dont intend to be hurtful) and the only joke is people pretending complete racial tolerance now exists. The memes expose this sort of pseudo intolerance, and quite frankly, I’d rather have it in the open. Why then, is this a problem?

Blacks disrespecting black culture is a problem mainly because….well….nig*as are so damn extra! They always take it too far! I understand the whole “If I laugh at my culture maybe the dominant culture in opposition will accept me as their own” idea. Think its not true? To that I say, merely look at the whole “light skin vs dark skinned” memes that our own people disseminate. Shameful. So shameful I wont even repost them. A good way to try and fit in, but ultimately flawed, as you are making yourself the butt of a joke told behind closed doors you still cant enter. I cant just blame my contemporary n*ggas and n*gettes, this is rooted in the paper bag tests of the jim crow era, migrated to “your mama so black” jokes and unlike the N-word, it hasn’t evolved past an ugly practice of self hate on a segment of our population to make ourselves feel closer to the dominant culture. Again….Ni**as always take it too far.  Look at Kermit the frog.

 Kermit is clearly black. Hes got a thick white girl chasing after him (Miss Piggy), He's always says “It aint easy bein green” aka “it aint easy being black.”

In the end, the whole “It aint none of my business” Kermit memes, derive from the In Living color skits where Kim wayans used to say “But I aint one to gossip so you aint heard it from me”/ “that aint non of my business...” And guess what? They're damn funny.

The Kermit memes are also subtle. They use “urban” phrases, reference hip hop songs and make references to a lot of things synonymous with black culture….but they are funny and tasteful. Plus, Kermit is green….racially ambiguous to most. 

Now enter the politics….ahem….”the racial politics” of Daquan, aka ni**as taking sh*t too far. What, or who is Daquan other than a not so fictional name, might you ask? (Sidenote I know an actual Raekwon & Ja’kwon so the name isn’t that far fetched.) Daquan is a made up African American character who dates a teen aged suburban white girl and whose habits rub off on her, only to the displeasure of her strict traditional parents.  These memes are funny….and rooted in truth……actually, in all honesty, they are quite lighthearted and whimsical. Take a look and laugh without fear of being judged…. We’re the last mutherfuc*as to judge.

The problem is not the memes but the fact that we as black people need to stop making ourselves the butt of global and far reaching jokes if we want to be taken seriously. Sure this is funny as an aside with your friends who truly understand black culture, but when viewed in mass it’s kind of like a minstrel show. We are puppeteers of the cooning Daquan puppet. Other than violent acts, overly righteous pseudo political protests, Don King and Jesse Jackson, Blacks are on live TV (not sitcoms) most often for dumb shit… Standing in line during a hurricane for a Jordan release…being toothless and saying “aint nobody got time for that”…having the biggest gold chain put in the Guinness book of world records or getting a giant ice cream cone face tattoo.

  Daquan is just a social media representation of all these things, and the worst part is, we barely stop to realize. Name one other race, group or culture who constantly tells jokes about its own members? The Jews? Nope. Muslims? Negative. Shit, do Mcdonalds employees sit around joking about other fast food employees? Do fat people  gang up on and joke on other fat people? Hell naw. There’s something to be said about that.

Let’s stop being the class clowns and allowing the fitted cap to identify the modern day dunce. Sure the Daquan jokes are funny and allow us to revel in the joys of a fictional interracial playboy, but lets just laugh quietly….and like the N-word….lets keep it to ourselves.

Live, Love, LOL.


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Show's Guide for surviving St. Valentine's Day

Ladies and gentleman, Valentines day is upon us….. in a mere day the climax of cuffin season manifests itself to the world in all its glory.  Cold winter nights beside your boo or sidechick may become inherently colder depending on your willingness and ability to effectively manage your valentines day strategy and strategically place yourself not in the line of fire, but rather in the good graces of your lady, her friends, and all the random broads on IG checking to see if you would be a liable candidate for them to throw some box at when your girl isn’t looking. 

Fuck Santa clause, V-day is a real ni**a’s version of Christmas. Think of this as Avon Barksdale giving you your own corner and points off the package. This is like the All-Star game of….well….game! How tight is your game? Is it tight enough to tip the scales of monetary poetic justice in your favor? For many this is the end of pre-season. This is when you determine whether or not you are a bench riding side chick, or a “starter”, and for those of you with significant others, your first valentines’ day is a chance to see if they’ll actually “start” to be a significant part of the rest of your life. Don’t be scared though, its not as bad as it seems…and as always…Show’s got ya covered.

Below is a list I’ve compiled over the past decade on do’s and donts, wills and wonts, nah’s and Hell to the Nahs. Consider this my gift to you all. Cliff notes on how to turn V-day into G-day.  BTW, for all the fellas  and ladies with weak game, I’m about to F**K Your WHOLE day up.

“Spit you game, talk your shit….” –B.I.G

Top 5 worst gifts to give if you actually care about him/her:

1.)    Lingerie (that shit aint for us, its for you! You picked it out, you get to keep it! Stop trying to sell sex as a “gift” before we start doing shit like “surprise, happy vday, I got myself a new shovel and some gloves since I know you love when I shovel the snow off your car.” Lingerie goes in the “shared responsibilities/ household items” category like trash bags and soap.

2.)    Money (Money is great, but giving me money which will ultimately be shared with or spent on you is the old 52 fake out. Telling you  “I aint got it” at this point, is like saying “can’t spare shit” to a homeless person who sees you at an ATM. Also “we can use it to go to dinner” means “you can use it to eat what I’ve really been craving while u find something barely palatable off the menu...but its ok....you're supposed to smile and like it because the vegan restaurant serves wheat grass beer.”

3.)    Department store Giftcards less than $100.00. “Ohhhh girl, I got him a 50$ gift card to Neiman Marcus. Sounds good, but what the fuck I’ma buy with 50$? Half a bottle of cologne? What you have essentially done was given me a coupon for 30% off…..thereby ensuring that I will spend MORE money at the store to take advantage of the deal. This is some ol' bullshit. 

4.)    Services (housecleaning, foot rubs, bjs,dishes…..while of of these things are great, they aren’t part of the bartering process. Nice try though. You’re better off with a walk and picnic in a secluded park if you want to be cheap...with yo cheap ass. 

5.)    Flowers, chocolates and teddy bears (Grow the fu*k up. You might as well buy the chick a freaking carnation for 1$ since we’re taking it back to 5th grade. Any teddy bear a grown woman was better be from when she was a kid….mater fact, scratch that, you can buy one of those Build-a-Bear jawns….those shit’s are expensive and building it is a good exercise is “compromise.” Chocolates though? Unless you personally trekked through the Swiss Alps and had gnomes personally make that shit for her, I’d say shes perfectly capable of walking to Rite Aid at 5:00pm on Feburary 14th and buying her own heart shaped box of assorted , shitty chocolates….Also, Ferrero Rocher ni**as…yall aint much better. LOL. 

Top 5 gifts if you dont.... I mean:

Top 5 restaurants to take a side chick for Vday

1.)    Olive Garden (simply number one because ni**as love it and try to pretend they are more diverse than simply eating at red lobster. This is an over inflated stat, but the numbers don’t lie. By trying to prove you aren’t a rachet Red Lobster fiend, you’ve turned olive garden  into the next best thing.

2.)    Red Lobster: Chessy biscuits, endless shrimp and devoid of the possibility she may be embarrassed at not knowing what fork to use or how to pronounce an entree item….you can’t go wrong. AVOID the classic rookie mistake of bringing home the cheesy biscuits. Try explaining “I was at Red Lobster with my boys” to wifey. She knows tyrone's allergic to seafood and big man wouldn’t leave no leftovers. Step ya game up son.

3.)    Fridays, Chilli’s or Applebees (the cheapest non-fast food meal you’re going to get without cooking at home. Sidenote: While cooking at home seems like a great, cost effective idea, remember….YOU ARE A SIDECHICK….he/she aint bringing you home. You’re buggin.

4.)    Cheesecake Factory (this is low on the list because, as the name implies, you know you will have to spring for dessert thereby making it more expensive. What this says is that yes, you are a sidechick, but he respects you enough to spend a little more bread on dessert. Young ni**a SPLURGE (Future voice.)

5.)    Harlem BBQ. (lets face it, he may be taking you out into NYC just to avoid all his girl’s friends in CT, but sheeeeeit, if he can get away the whole day ON V-DAY, you’ve got yourself a keeper girl. Don’t lose this side dude on account of your boyfriend….that ni**a be trippin. You got yourself a nice situation...he's special. LMAO.

Bonus: Just to fuck up your day some more

Top 5 Not Celebrating V day Excuses

1.)    It’s a pagan holiday invented by the Romans and perpetuated by greeting card companies to sell gifts! (Broke Ni**as)
2.)    We decided to mutually not exchange gifts (Afraid she’ll get me something expensive and I’ll have to spend this money I reserved for the Jordan Concord XI ni**as)
3.)    I’m on love with the money and will be clockin those hours (Chicks who wish they had a man or somebody to take them out)
4.)    I’ll be right home being a mommy with the true loves of my life (Chicks with no babysitter.)

5.)     Im just gonna chill this year and if anything, do something low key (Ni**as with no plans who will be playing 2k on Xbox / Chicks who may congregate at Buffalo Wild wings and throw shade at couples for being ‘too cheap to go to a real restaurant.’)

      Though this may apply to 50-75% of yall, Im sure you see the inherent truth in the scenarios presented above and laughed at least once. Oh you aint laugh? Lonely hoes. What you want a cupcake? Let me guess , you have a boo who is in jail? You buy a V-day gift for your baby daddy cause he's "such a great father" (Even after he left at the first plus sign on the EPT) and  even though he has a girl and a side chick neither of which is you? Ha! Yall are pathetic...grow up. And fellas, quit with the heartfelt statuses on FB beggin for a valentine. Man the fuck up. Re-read this post....internalize it...get some game and bag some of these lonely golddiggers....it's the American way.

The Bros are back and could give a fuck about you're feelins. Its hoodie season. Get down or lay down.