Thursday, August 15, 2013

How to Be a Man Pt. 1

I never had brothers growing up…but then again, I did.

You know how nig*as without brothers love saying shit like “my friends are like my brothers,” well, that’s how I feel about my cousins...and not necessarily my friends. LOL. Now when I say cousins I mean 1st cousins…not the type of “cousin” that you never met, see at a family reunion and still wanna smash. I'm talking my mutha’s sistas chillin (Old black lady voice.) One of my cousins in particular, Chain, called so because he used to chain smoke at like age 11, was truly like a big brother not because I looked up to him, but because he taught me all I needed to know about life. Be it duly noted that I did not look up to him cause I’ma a real ni**a and real nig*as don’t do that.

Tako: Lame

Wja3: My Big brother….was B.I.G’s Brother….used to be dame and B.I.G’s brother…. Haha

C4: Why the sudden interest in brotherly bonds…bein all sappy and shit.

Show: Isnt your brother’s nickname for you Hoe cakes? Shut up. 

Back to the story.

Chain taught me three things that helped me be a better man and which may help you all, Dezo especially, be a better, less sensitive, ho acting man as well.

Wja3: Shot fired.

1.)    Watch your tongue, but stand your ground. No Zimmerman.

Despite the fact that that Mackelmore “I can’t change” song makes me feel weird like I’m gay just for listening to it, I’m not homophobic. When I was little, however, the worst insult you could use against someone would be to call them a fag, homo, or gay blade. I recklessly let my cousin bear the brunt of one of my verbally assaulting tirades once….and only once. As I let the words “you homo” effortlessly glide from my lips…pause…he responded with a simple, yet effective strategy; he uttered the phrase, “If you see a homo, slap a homo.” I cocked back and slapped the bejesus out of him without even thinking, cause that’s what real ni**as do, and he proceeded to beat the dog shit out of me. I think I even got a black eye that day. Case in point, if  a man’s word is nothing, than neither is that man. Stand up for you believe in, but also be prepared to get your ass whooped if you talk to reckless. Twitter teaches you just the opposite, talk tough online and let the anonymity of the internet cloak you. Fuck the anonymity of the internet, let's talk face to face.

C4: Aren't you kinda talking to Dezo via internet though? Lowkey being an E-Thug.

Show: He's read it before it hit the net....and he can't beat me...

2.)    Listen to 1990’s New York Hiphop & wear timbs.

I know this sounds funny coming from a CT “sneakerhead” and also seems like a little less than a life lesson, but real talk, its all connected. Here’s a riddle for you. What walks on their tippy toes and complains when they have to walk too far, get wet or trod through the grass? Sneakerheads….and women in heels.  Nothing manly about spending your rent money on kicks then crying when somebody steps on them or asks you to remove them from the box.  If you cant perform daily activities in your kicks maybe you've lost sight of what matters in life and need to break out an old pair of timbs. You know what the function and design of a pair of timbs is? That of a work boot. Real men do work. Shit, my cuz had like 3 jobs with no SS# cause he was on the run from the law, Army and a baby mama! Again, real men support their families, get dirty and they listen to….you guessed it…real hiphop. Mobb Deep, Wu Tang, Kool G rap…Timberland and carthart hoodie music.


Not this...............................

Listening to too much drake, and weezy have men thinking its ok to be 5’3” and go to a salon, gossip with bitches about ni**as and air every last one of their feelings out on every available social network. Fabolous and Joe Budden especially...they're the kings of talking tough online and making emotional outbursts via social media. Remember Budden got mad his girl was cheating and twitpic'd the abortion & pregnancy result. Again,  it’s cool to have an Instagram of a facebook, but chill with the selfies, questions games and female candy crush ass traits. The n*gga getting all the sympathy for having the broken leg (insert 'posting sad ass tweetgrams') is still wheeling himself home while the nigga with the two good legs is offering the bad bitches his third. Trade the Vans and skinnys for a crispy pair of beef and Brocs and get out your feelings. Like seriously. Get off FB.  Roll dice. Listen to Ghostface.

3.)    If you with me and I’m fighting….we fighting….or we’re fighting. 

I remember one Saturday night I walked into the club so early that my cousin, who had arrived even earlier, was helping the security open the doors and arrange chairs; shit was real back then with the free open bar till 11pm. Lol. Not only is Chain wearing size 58 dress pants despite really being closer to a size 38, looking like Aladdin or  Hammer  since he didn’t know the official dresscode, he is also wearing gold fronts with fangs…in like 2006. Clearly he’s not hiding from anyone. Hours later a scuffle breaks out and all I remember is running after him as he chased someone out the club and down the street in snakeskin Stacey Adams shoes.

 It was then that I learned loyalty is everything. Most importantly though, remember who you’re loyal to and who’s loyal to you. Hand and hand with this, however, is watching who you hang with for the exact same reason. This is the “felony murder rule”: you have to know exactly who you’re hanging with, what they're capable of and how they’re bound to act, because many times you will be guilty by association, or forced into a situation where you are dragged directly into it. Are you willing to go to jail for your homies?  This metaphor goes beyond fighting though, it also goes for life. If I’m eating a slice and my brother is hungry, he get’s half...ask my other “brother” Fish. There wont be any of this, "Ima hit this steak spot, but you be cool at Mickedy D's and I'll hit you after."

If I’m eating, you’re eating…. Sometimes you gotta tell your girl that too….unless you scared of her. LOL.

A-Money: You're a Clown yo.

Truth be told, this list isnt anywhere close to exhaustive and this is why its only labeled part one. Chain is one of the 1st official NHB supporters as well as a person who i feel exemplifies the spirit of real nig*anism despite being a family man. There's a lot to be learned from people with experience and I for one am never to proud to learn something new. Hopefully yall will learn something new too....if not, I think there's a few hoes waiting to play with you on when their baby daddies are done smashing and they have no one to talk to.

Humility breeds success.


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

C4 is the Subway "Panhandler" in this CollegeHumor Prank

In case you were unaware what C4 looks like.

So what he was on Huffington Post, Gawker, Time, MSN, Bossip and Perez Hilton? He's a NappyHeadedBro first and foremost, ya dig?!

2 Ya Door,