Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Characters in a play called Black Twitter...

Bruh. We changed the password a gazillion times but still, somehow, the blog is hacked and these stupid ass ads keep getting through. Google hasn't offered a solution, hence the sporadic posting and lack of blogs....well that's half the reason, the other is that we're getting lazy. Nevertheless, lets get into it....pause.

White people have World of Warcraft, farmville and costume ridden Renaissance festivals to live out their utmost fantasies and desires. Black people....well, we have this thing called black twitter.

Black twitter: Where every guy gets a million hoes of the lighter skin-ded variety, every woman cooks, cleans, gives amazing head and has a 401k and where the worth of a man or woman lies in their amount of followers and retweets.

Tako: Sound like Mr. 300 Followers is about to start hating cause he's not twitter popular! Don't nobody care what you have to say. You're under 1,000 followers, you aint relevant!! Hahahahaha.

C4: Do you even have a twitter Tak?

Tako: Aint nobody got time for that. Lol.

Wja3: stupid. LOL. Hear him out...I like where this is going.

In order to navigate the black sea that is negro twitter one must first realize that it is not uncharted territory. There is nothing unique or compelling about black twitter other than its sheer strength in numbers and the simplicity which allows it to cater to the lowest common denominator. In doing this, however, Black twitter is genius. Genius like a white person who opens up a peanut butter and Jelly shop and sells .50 cent sandwiches for 6 bucks because they're "trendy." find the power in the simplicity. Black twitter is simple to follow and costs nothing but an email address to don't have to spell correctly, be pretty or do anything other that follow the leader, as Rakim would say. That's right, I said follow the leader because Black twitter is a gang like shredder's foot soldiers from the Ninja turtles.

Everyone looks the same, and if you dont look, speak and act like everyone else, you may end up like Robin Flowers. If you're part of black twitter you know this precautionary tale, if not the gist is that a guy named Robin spent endless twitter hours slandering dark skinned women and receiving hundreds of followers based on his crude racist jokes only to find out he was married to a dark skinned woman and had created a persona to "fit in." Pause for saying "Fit in."

Peep game.

Step 1: Know the players.

Black Twitter head Honchos like Officially Ice, Joe Budden, A2DaO, Zooted Spirwell, King Killa, Corn, Relly on Smash, J Thoro should be followed because they keep you in the loop. Also, the Black twitter tends to look to them for advice. There are more, but follow these guys and you'll figure out who the rest are.

Step 2: Quick thinking.

Come with an unfunny joke and Mojizel will quickly respond with some shit like "This tweet stinks." As a respected member of the Kwanza Twitter community, one retweet by the wrong (or right) person can set your mentions afire with slander. When in doubt start your tweet with:

a.) If you ____________ a hoe.
b.) Ni**as still taking these chicks on 200 dates and getting no ass?
c.) Son...(Insert Love and Hiphop reference).
d.) Tweet about the knicks. Black twitter loves the knicks.
e.) How many of yall ever got your salad tossed?
f.) Ni**as be like...._______
g.) Do people still_________, or nah?

While I know some of that may seem a bit risque, I must warn you, in the realm of black twitter, its tame. The melanin twitersphere is a filthy place....a filthy, funny place.

Step 3: Slander.

Remember when you were a kid playing the dozens? cutting? snapping? Dissing? Making fun of people? Well thats what you do here. See what the slander group of the day is, "girls with flat asses," "guys that still rock braids in 2013," whatever. Just be as mean as can be... BUT...dont dish it out if you cant take it. Try to run and theyll chase you...go offline and they'll find you. This is a gang. Blood in , blood out...take your lickin' (pause) untl the wolves smell fresh new blood and move on.

That it's, told you it was simple.

Tako: What about the hoes?

Avi's with Tits and ass, participation in thong thursdays, titty tuesdays, twitpic your thighs contests and complain about the Thirsty nig*as in your Dms though you sercretly love it and had you butt in the air for at least a few of them.......but enough of that, I'm not giving tutorials on how to be an Internet whore...even if it is relevant in the conversation of black twitter.

Wja3: Wow. That was a pretty thorough synopsis.

It was, and it was not written in vain.....

What's to be learned from the Play that is black twitter is that the balancing act between reality and fiction is the only thing which people seem to not care about. Unfortunately it is the only thing they should care about. Let me break it down.

The popular term on Twitter for the mindless following minions is "sheep." Now If i used that term I'd be a sheep right? Wrong. How about this. Sheep are herded and forced to follow the others because they are being directed by a sheepherder....someone who can castigate them ...beat them with a jesus staff....withhold their food. Kings and queens of black twitter can't really do any of those things to you. All they can do is say, "u cant sit at the cool table anymore" or, "I'm going home and taking my ball with me." This being said, the mindless followers are more like lemmings....remember that Nintendo game where one bird runs off a cliff and the others simply follow for no reason to their own detriment? Yeah, like that.

Unfortunately for us all, the metaphorical "cliff" is our self esteem as a black people. This self esteem which was lowered by slavery, Jim crow and institutional racism to the point where people wish Django was a true story.

Black twitter undoes all the progress made in the last few hundred years simply by making us turn on each other for the validation of strangers who are living their lives as catfish anyway. This is crabs in a bucket 2013, but the crabs have migrated. We're out of the bucket but now we're bragging like idiots over who's got the spot at the All you can eat seafood buffet and who's broke ass is being served up at sizzler or Red Lobster. We're arguing over who's the fanciest, or who will bring in the most cash. Sounds as stupid as slaves saying "Aiyo son, you see these strong white teeth? I'ma sell for wayyyyy mre than you b. " We pride our self of the aesthetics which will eventually cause our own downfall and belittle others who arent as aesthetically pleasing. Crabs. Out the bucket and at the buffet.

Once you're aware of these things you can use the info however you may like. Maybe it'll force you o think more before you hit that send button, maybe it wont. Maybe it will help you spread some knowledge about something you ACTUALLY know about and help further the race....maybe not. The choice is yours. Remember, however, this isn't a "why to hate black twitter" rant so much as it is a precaution. Use twitter for what its supposed to be used for....get bi*ches, send DMS, read funny blogs, get inspiration..... don't use it to be a coon.


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