Friday, December 20, 2013

Redbone Thots for my Niggas.

Read the title. It sound good right?

Ahem. Clears throat.

 I know its been about four months since the last post and No I wasn't locked up, nor did I get some bald headed scallywag pregnant forcing me to leave the country. I just been chillin son. I'll try to be better at sporadically kickin the truth to the young black youth...and the overemployed thirtysomethings wasting company time on social media like its a resume builder. I promise. I'll try more often to get you some introspective shit, but for now, on with the show.

The other night Suge Knight, the big gangbangin Blood / founder of Death Row Records / ni**a that people used to care about before he got Tupac killed , was quoted as saying:

 "A lot of times when people say the n-word, I like that better than African American. We're not from Africa. We're black. Even Africans don't call themselves African.”

While my honest to God first thought was "this mutherfuckin nigga trippin,'" I later revisited the seemingly nonsensical statement and thought about it in more detail. I mean shit....I use the word all the time, and even when other races say it in a non malicious manner I shrug it off, despite my desire that it be "ours" exclusively.

 I mean its not like I'm gonna fight a nigga cause he said nigga...not "adult me" at least. Why am I not offended by my own culture's prominent use of a word that was so hurtful? Probably because I know the history. I know that sometimes the only way to not be hurt by something is to accept, or pseudo accept it. Every black person knows slavery existed and that this nasty, dirty word was the impetus behind a lot of the mistreatment our ancestors endured. It we act un-phased by it they can no longer use it to hurt us, right? 

Pac said it best. Nigga. Never- Ignorant- Getting -Goals -Accomplished...and while this was some ol' bullshit created after the fact, I like the spirit of this. Pac was smart enough to realize we originally accepted the word as a defense mechanism and said, fuck all this....we're gonna make it work for us. We did with this word, what we did to the pig entrails, scraps and chitterlings they used to feed us because it was the leftover, most undesirable part of the pig.... we made it delicious and made them ask for our recipe. 

Same thing with the N-word. We made something great from this hurtful thing...we gave it style and substance...and now, EVERYBODY wants the recipe... (Unless its during a job interview or a loan review. lol).  

The way we used to be scared when white people said the word, well not only are we going to make them scared when we say it, but we're also going to make them scared to say it around us. We essentially deebo'd the word. I'm not agreeing with Suge knight by the way, because that nigga is still trippin. What I am saying , however, is that to embrace something is to understand it, and while everyone may not break it down to the same minute detail, i can say that collectively, that we as a people "get it." We understand the N-word for what it is, and the only real reason not to use it, is respect for our elders who felt its hurt firsthand. Most of them, however, will be dead soon, so we good my nigga. 

I say all that to say this, the problem isnt with us using the word "Nigga." The problem is us worrying about our usage of the word "Nigga."

Let me break it down like miley on a molly at a Juicy J concert. 

Women don't call each other "my nigga," which would cause one to think they are inherently more mature, or culturally sensitive than us; they view our colloquialisms as "silly boy stuff" and blame it on our lack of sensitivity, not realizing it is really rooted in rationalism.  These same women, however, have taken similar power over the word "bitch," refusing to be defined by its negative connotations and ascribing to it a sense of fierceness. "Don't call me a bitch, im am That bitch!" or "Queen bitch." 

This I also understand and applaud the ladies for being so clever. What don't understand is the haphazard throwing around of a different word, which is not so well understood, yet used far more frequently: Red Bone. Women and men alike tend to associate with the "lighter is brighter" theory, putting "lightskinned , or mixed race girls, aka 'Red Bones' , possibly called so because of their historical proximity to the Red river, mix with Native American blood and  the fairer skins tenancy to turn red in extreme temperature conditions, on a type of pedestal elevated above their darker skinned counterparts without understanding why. Worse still, they don't even realize what they are doing while they're doing it. 

According to Don C. Marler, author of the book "the Louisiana Redbones," a red bone is a "person of mixed racial heritage who is a member of a group which defines its relationship to the dominant culture in a certain way. Physical characteristics are varied but typically include a dark skin, often with a copper hue, high cheekbones, dark eyes, dark straight hair, and no single body type. Less often they are of lighter skin, blue eyes, and blond hair. In those persons with some Negroid genetics Negroid features may be evident, such as darker skin, curly hair, wide nose, and thick lips.

Aint this a bitch. So yall just gonna take the "redbone subculture" which formed in opposition to the oppressive dominant culture and use it as a symbol of your own superiority, basically oppressing your darker skin counterparts?  Re-read that definition. Not only is this the exact opposite of what so called "Bad red bones" proclaim to be today, it is also flat out embarrassing.

The ancestors of our Caucasian friends oppressed us so in turn we are going to try and pull an okie doke, saying "hahaha, you're right, but those black jokes are funny and they dont apply to me because I'm light right? hey, look at the girl over there, shes dark. Not like "US." Jokes on you because whites in the antebellum south didnt care if you passed a paper bag test, they didnt like you either. You were a lightskinned nigga. Nigga.

The self forming of an internal caste system is a prime example of catty, crab in a bucket mentality and an excellent use by the oppressor of the divide and conquer strategy. I call niggas my niggas and they give me daps and hugs. You call your darkskinned sisters dirty black bitches and get eye roles and shrugs. Yall need to be yelling black girls rock, but instead, yall call each other hoes, fight over hues, and we call you Thots.

                                       "Im not actually captain planet, I dont save hoes."

T.h.o.t.s. Originally derived from the acronym for "That Ho Over There.

Lets break it down even further and I'll tell you what it really means:

 This Hides Our True Selves, & This Hurts Our True Sistas...but These Hoes On That Shit... and they wonder why we dismiss em."

One things for sure, this Fresh Prince needs a queen, not a THOTiyana Ali.

We need to stop worrying about the words and look at the actions we're portraying. Abolish the N-word? Nah. We need to abolish this culture of self hatred and perceived lightskinned superiority.  If not, at least I can say I tried to help my people out and as a consolation prize they'll be plenty of redbone thots for my niggas.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

How to Be a Man Pt. 1

I never had brothers growing up…but then again, I did.

You know how nig*as without brothers love saying shit like “my friends are like my brothers,” well, that’s how I feel about my cousins...and not necessarily my friends. LOL. Now when I say cousins I mean 1st cousins…not the type of “cousin” that you never met, see at a family reunion and still wanna smash. I'm talking my mutha’s sistas chillin (Old black lady voice.) One of my cousins in particular, Chain, called so because he used to chain smoke at like age 11, was truly like a big brother not because I looked up to him, but because he taught me all I needed to know about life. Be it duly noted that I did not look up to him cause I’ma a real ni**a and real nig*as don’t do that.

Tako: Lame

Wja3: My Big brother….was B.I.G’s Brother….used to be dame and B.I.G’s brother…. Haha

C4: Why the sudden interest in brotherly bonds…bein all sappy and shit.

Show: Isnt your brother’s nickname for you Hoe cakes? Shut up. 

Back to the story.

Chain taught me three things that helped me be a better man and which may help you all, Dezo especially, be a better, less sensitive, ho acting man as well.

Wja3: Shot fired.

1.)    Watch your tongue, but stand your ground. No Zimmerman.

Despite the fact that that Mackelmore “I can’t change” song makes me feel weird like I’m gay just for listening to it, I’m not homophobic. When I was little, however, the worst insult you could use against someone would be to call them a fag, homo, or gay blade. I recklessly let my cousin bear the brunt of one of my verbally assaulting tirades once….and only once. As I let the words “you homo” effortlessly glide from my lips…pause…he responded with a simple, yet effective strategy; he uttered the phrase, “If you see a homo, slap a homo.” I cocked back and slapped the bejesus out of him without even thinking, cause that’s what real ni**as do, and he proceeded to beat the dog shit out of me. I think I even got a black eye that day. Case in point, if  a man’s word is nothing, than neither is that man. Stand up for you believe in, but also be prepared to get your ass whooped if you talk to reckless. Twitter teaches you just the opposite, talk tough online and let the anonymity of the internet cloak you. Fuck the anonymity of the internet, let's talk face to face.

C4: Aren't you kinda talking to Dezo via internet though? Lowkey being an E-Thug.

Show: He's read it before it hit the net....and he can't beat me...

2.)    Listen to 1990’s New York Hiphop & wear timbs.

I know this sounds funny coming from a CT “sneakerhead” and also seems like a little less than a life lesson, but real talk, its all connected. Here’s a riddle for you. What walks on their tippy toes and complains when they have to walk too far, get wet or trod through the grass? Sneakerheads….and women in heels.  Nothing manly about spending your rent money on kicks then crying when somebody steps on them or asks you to remove them from the box.  If you cant perform daily activities in your kicks maybe you've lost sight of what matters in life and need to break out an old pair of timbs. You know what the function and design of a pair of timbs is? That of a work boot. Real men do work. Shit, my cuz had like 3 jobs with no SS# cause he was on the run from the law, Army and a baby mama! Again, real men support their families, get dirty and they listen to….you guessed it…real hiphop. Mobb Deep, Wu Tang, Kool G rap…Timberland and carthart hoodie music.


Not this...............................

Listening to too much drake, and weezy have men thinking its ok to be 5’3” and go to a salon, gossip with bitches about ni**as and air every last one of their feelings out on every available social network. Fabolous and Joe Budden especially...they're the kings of talking tough online and making emotional outbursts via social media. Remember Budden got mad his girl was cheating and twitpic'd the abortion & pregnancy result. Again,  it’s cool to have an Instagram of a facebook, but chill with the selfies, questions games and female candy crush ass traits. The n*gga getting all the sympathy for having the broken leg (insert 'posting sad ass tweetgrams') is still wheeling himself home while the nigga with the two good legs is offering the bad bitches his third. Trade the Vans and skinnys for a crispy pair of beef and Brocs and get out your feelings. Like seriously. Get off FB.  Roll dice. Listen to Ghostface.

3.)    If you with me and I’m fighting….we fighting….or we’re fighting. 

I remember one Saturday night I walked into the club so early that my cousin, who had arrived even earlier, was helping the security open the doors and arrange chairs; shit was real back then with the free open bar till 11pm. Lol. Not only is Chain wearing size 58 dress pants despite really being closer to a size 38, looking like Aladdin or  Hammer  since he didn’t know the official dresscode, he is also wearing gold fronts with fangs…in like 2006. Clearly he’s not hiding from anyone. Hours later a scuffle breaks out and all I remember is running after him as he chased someone out the club and down the street in snakeskin Stacey Adams shoes.

 It was then that I learned loyalty is everything. Most importantly though, remember who you’re loyal to and who’s loyal to you. Hand and hand with this, however, is watching who you hang with for the exact same reason. This is the “felony murder rule”: you have to know exactly who you’re hanging with, what they're capable of and how they’re bound to act, because many times you will be guilty by association, or forced into a situation where you are dragged directly into it. Are you willing to go to jail for your homies?  This metaphor goes beyond fighting though, it also goes for life. If I’m eating a slice and my brother is hungry, he get’s half...ask my other “brother” Fish. There wont be any of this, "Ima hit this steak spot, but you be cool at Mickedy D's and I'll hit you after."

If I’m eating, you’re eating…. Sometimes you gotta tell your girl that too….unless you scared of her. LOL.

A-Money: You're a Clown yo.

Truth be told, this list isnt anywhere close to exhaustive and this is why its only labeled part one. Chain is one of the 1st official NHB supporters as well as a person who i feel exemplifies the spirit of real nig*anism despite being a family man. There's a lot to be learned from people with experience and I for one am never to proud to learn something new. Hopefully yall will learn something new too....if not, I think there's a few hoes waiting to play with you on when their baby daddies are done smashing and they have no one to talk to.

Humility breeds success.


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

C4 is the Subway "Panhandler" in this CollegeHumor Prank

In case you were unaware what C4 looks like.

So what he was on Huffington Post, Gawker, Time, MSN, Bossip and Perez Hilton? He's a NappyHeadedBro first and foremost, ya dig?!

2 Ya Door,


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Where to Meet a Man...Pause... and Where not to.

As of 2010 there were approximately 97 Males for every 100 females in the US. Taking into account the amount of Jordan wearing lesbians in contemporary America, I’d say that this makes the ratio pretty much even and the statement that “there aren’t enough men to go around” sounds outright foolish; Sheeeit, with the abundance and availability of ass shots, boob jobs and tummy tucks, even 4 flamboyant hairdressing males from Atlanta who prefer their bar stools upside down rather than rightside up couldn’t turn down a woman in this day in age.

Women… yall are winning, yet at the same time losing. Why in a day in age where noone can turn down a fine female specimen, are so many of you left hopelessly dealing with jailbirds, mommas boys, income tax ballers, habitual baby daddies and, well….ATL-iens…Bosh Boys…Mr. Cees or whatever you may call them? I’ll tell you why. Location, location, location! Nevertheless, don’t fret my pets. Like a good neighborrrrrrrr, the Bros are there (Allvoice.) We’ll tell you where to go and where not to go so as to find a ‘sole mate’ that has nothing to do with sneakers.

Tako: Booooo! 

Wja3: Good concept, corny joke. 

C4: That's the State Farm song.

Anyway, lets take a walk through the hood shall we? Strolling down the street... with my homie Tako...sippin on Gin and Juice. Shit, We're empty. Lets make a quick stop.

Liquor store: 

Tako: Oh so you like to Turnup? Get bent nasty? Swizzled? Hammered? Trashed & smashed before givin up the ass? Cool. Maybe you'll find a man here that likes to do the same and you can habitually argues over who's turn it is to be designated driver. 

Show: or you can use this as the perfect unsuspecting environment to casually meet a nice looking gent while gathering more info than he can fathom. 

Buying expensive liquor? Could mean he's rich or priorities are skewed. In the Moscatto aisle? Maybe he's gay or has a gf, boo thang or side piece. Is he drinkin beer? What type? Heinekens & coronas only could mean he's never been further than his front stoop or it could mean he's trying not to be called bougie at the hood cookout. Craft beer usually means he's college educated or at the least has white friends and or an adventurous streak. While the fact a man is in the liquor store doesn't automatically put him in a category, the info u can gain in this situation can be invaluable; as a meeting venue I give liquor store a B+.

Damn son, all then Gin & juice has me thirsty.... Let me stop at the gym real quick and grab a Dasani water or something. Pause.

C4: You did not just pause "dasani." 

Show: There's a uppercase "D". Cant be too cautious. 

Wja3: DEAD! 


Dilema. Everyone loves a fit physique but Noone likes to be bothered at the gym... Solution? No one minds being bothered by a beautiful woman, and if you are one, you can easily ask for lifting advice without seeming thirsty. The physical aspect is taken care of and you can filter out by other variables, such as desired salary, by avoiding low budget, no frills gyms like the ones that are 9.99 a month. See if he socializes and people know him by name... That means he comes a lot, as just like in a relationship, you don't build gym rapport without commitment. For women, the gym gets an A- grade as a meeting place. For men, don't even try it lest be banished to the land of neck rolls and side eyes.

Fu*k all this walking b. It's like 100 degrees out here lets get the whip. I'ma park it in the church parking lot, them nig*as won't tow us...I hope.


While it is a known fact that many a rachet hood rat has been know to make the cumfilled pilgrimage to church after a night of turned up sinning, men who attend church (excluding the preacher) ate usually there for one of two reasons: a.) he's there with family, as men don't usually attend church solo , or b.) he's there repenting for sins or learning how not to commit them. Either way, acknowledging your flaws and trying to better yourself is a good thing. These types will be genuine and if you keep coming and he's still there, he may have some potential.

Be cautious of the men in the cheap Steve Harvey suits or anyone under 35 wearing a hat as southern folk live by the code of "everybody goes to church because that's just what you do" so you may inadvertently run into an O.G Mack like Romey Rome. If he has rings or bling that isn't a Jesus piece, run!

If he has a Jesus piece on in church he just may be a little hood, but y'all like that anyway....check his jail record though. Meet a mate rating: B+.

Tako: I'm hungry b....and you tryin to be Hood tour guide and shit...aint nobody got time for that. 

Show: True, let me get this cut real quick, then we'll hit the moo shoo spot. 


Wja3: I always thought women who aren't single moms in barbershops look desperate as hell. Even single moms I wonder about... Like you couldn't get a baby daddy or uncle to handle that business? 

Yes, a barbershop caters to all walks of life and you will see everyone from thugs to businessman interacting, and it is through these interactions that you can learn a lot about whether or not your potential mate is "down to earth." You can see if he's a punk, I.e) is scared in the urban surrounding , b.) a good , patient or caring father, c.) cares about cursing around kids or d.) gambles. Clearly any man willing to hit that shop every week is well groomed and not frugal, which is a plus, but remember , there's no filter in the barbershop and this is "his environment..." just get your Steve Irwin Niggadile hunter on and observe; if you don't have a child, however, keep yo thirsty ass out the shop. Meet a man rating: C+

Tako: That shit took forever! 

Show: We can't all be half Asian with no beard. Lets get this grub. 

The Chinese Restaurant: 

The cashier at the Chinese spot is like a black woman: simultaneously the most respected (Dear Mama) and disrespected (ain't no fun) at the same time. While the Chinese spot never gets robbed, the cashier is constantly degraded on some "Ching Wong Wang Gimmie my loosie and my 4 wings fried hard." Watch how he treats the cashier and how he speaks to them as it speaks to his character. Clearly he's not a health nut, but maybe it's his cheat day. If her orders pork fried rice no vegetables, however.... RED FLAG. Run. Hood booga alert!

In the end though, just know you're getting a man lower on the economic scale (which is OK) with a splash of hood... Richer people will just order delivery and avoid the hood. Most important lesson here is watch how they treat the people who can seemingly do nothing for them, for this is the definition of "character." Find a man rating: C-.

Tako: Oh sh*t there goes that nig*a C4. We bout to go to Wja3's , you rollin? 

C4: Yeah, but I gotta stop and pick up some things to use as props for this sketch I'm workin on. There's a supermarket by here right? 


Spilling out the cup till it runnin over.... Holy grail. The supermarket is the goat of chance encounter spots as you are liable to find a man who is self sufficient, possibly health conscious, can cook, make decisions, find sales and manage his time. What more can you ask for. Follow him to the line and u can even see if he's workin with an American express card (he's financially responsible w/ good credit) or a rush card (he's workin on it.) lol. Either way , look in his cart and you can tell if he had kids and how he feels about nutrition.... Shit u can even tell his ethnicity or ethnic influences without him being at the cart. Tabasco? White. Goya? Spanish. Lowry's? Black. Franks red hot? Toss up. Lol

C4: Aiiight, I'm back. 

Show: Damn, wastin all my gas. 

Tako: Why you got the windows down and the A/C on then ni**a. 

Show: Im stuntin, though it's sad that gas has become so expensive that using it is "stuntin'." 

Friends House: 

Your friends house has two things,not counting the bad ass kids and roaches. 1.) the Internet , 2.) your friend. While Internet dating is a cornucopia of good and bad, I'd say the amount of bad outweighs the good as its too easy to lie online. IF, however, u meet someone online through a mutual friend, your chances on not being raped and killed increase exponentially. Networking is key to being successfully in America. It's how the rich stay rich, it's how the rich got rich, and it's how you meet someone after already knowing everything about them. This being said , it is the GOAT (greatest of all time) spot to add that extra switch to your walk and find a man.

Here is the key to nigga networking however: if your girlfriends man ain't shit don't ask to meet his friends. If she says one of his friends wants her to "put you on with" so and so... Run! Instead, go to the friend with the semi nerdy, clean cut boyfriend with a good job. He will have co-workers and not just "homies."

Perhaps he'll even have that edgy friend who is fresher than him but still handles his business like a grownup. Don't think it works? Ask my girlfriend. She met me through C4. Lol Meet a man rating: A+

Wja3: Well guys, I have to admit, you did a good job summarizing where to meet a man. I might even be inclined to say that you need to pause the fact that you know where to meet a man. 

Show: Chill. I'm just trying to help the ladies out. Showpac cares, if dont nobody else cares. 

C4: Lord. 

Either way, as always, the Bros have given our followers with tittes a stockload of ammunition. Use it at your discretion. Oh yeah, and if you choose to keep meeting men at footlocker or the club, dont say we didn't warn ya.


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Paula Deen's Lost Pilot

Sketch Team "Daddy Brooklyn" apparently found the Paula Deen Show pilot that never made it to air. Discuss.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Why ni**as Can't Never Have Shit !

In light of the recent tragedy which has affected the family of Odin Lloyd and more interestingly, (sorry Lloyd Family), the career of Aaron Hernandez, I’d like to take this time to say “Oh well, shit happens.” Don’t misconstrue this as an attempt to make light of a murder, but rather, view it as an exercise in viewing the world as the harsh, cold place that it is.

Tempers flare, people react without thinking and…in the words of my homie Cam’ron… “Ni**as get shot everyday b.” If one were to say, “damn, you can take a person out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the person” I may be inclined to agree. What I would not be inclined to agree with, however, would be the statement which usually comes next: “That’s why ni**as can’t have shit.”  I’m done talking about bi*ch ass Hernandez, (he plays for a Non-Eagles NFL team so I have no love). I’m just here to tell you the REAL reason ni**as can’t have shit. People will say "Ni**as can't have sh*t cause they always wild out, shoot shit up and fu*k it up." No, Ni**as dont have shit becuase of bad business vision. Ni**as shoot shit up cause they're crazy.

Tako: Ignorance, straight ignorance. That’s why ni**as can’t have shit.

Wja3: That’d be painstakingly obvious and clearly the self-proclaimed Blog God, who, might I ad,d only blogs a few times a year these days, must have something more profound to say.

C4: Also, Paula Dean has been ignorant for years and has in fact prospered until as of late. It’s gotta be something else.

Correct fellas, except Tako….correct.

 Look at the world of business and you will see very few minorities who have reached the pinnacles of success that their non-minority counterparts. These businessmen, Jay-z for example, have discovered successful ventures and either stuck with them to the point of making serious bank, or properly diversified their assets into various arenas and basically given up the chance at one large pie in favor of snatching a piece of everyone else’s pie. This is the good. However, these entrepreneurs often go wrong, is forgetting where their expertise lies. Jay z for example, wants to be a sports agent….Steve Jobs, however, said “ni**a, I’ma just stick here and handle this computer shi*t.” That’s the first reason that nig*as can’t have shit. Althought the intentions are good, sometimes ni*as are doing entirely too much.

Reason #2 is what I like to call BMW-Oreo theory.

Tako: WTF bruh?

Growing up in the hood you often aspire to get that Benz, or BMW as a means of motivation…. A status symbol that you’ve made it. Perhaps if you live in the south you’ve aspired to get 24 Inch rims. Whatever…same shit. What happens when you reach that goal though homie? I’ll tell you what happens, you shine your figurative “I made it” trophy up, wax it daily to protect it and ensure it’s shine, and you stunt on these hoes. You make sure you grind hard enough that you can keep it looking new until you can afford to trade it in when the newer model comes out.  You’ve made it, now you’re complacent.

What if the people at Oreo had taken this approach? Surely one of the world’s best selling and most recognizable cookie could’ve brought in millions each year without ever changing anything. The owners and their heirs would be set for life. BUT, unlike the BMW boys, the workers at Oreo said…”hmmmmm, whats better showing this money I’ve earned and sitting on top a pile of replenishible cash? Making more.” Enter the era of Double stuff oreos, golden oreos, sherbert oreos, golden chocolate oreos, etc.

They didn’t become complacent, nor did they start trying to branch off from the oreo business to the auto industry. They stayed in their lane, but pushed their mind past the figurative speed limit envisioning the road ahead.

Tako: Good, albeit stupid, analogy. You have a point.

That being said I think that “coming from the hood” or being the rose that grew from the nickel bag covered concrete is no longer an excuse for stagnancy. There are enough black and latino role models for us to pattern a blueprint after and actually have hope that we too can get out there and make this loot! The next and more formidable task, then, becomes resisting the urge to establish ourselves as top of the pecking order and enjoy the spoils of our hard labor. If usain bolt had a 3 month party after he won the title fastest man in the world I most certainly assure you the man would not win next year. This is how we most approach business. Do what makes financial sense rather than what looks cool.

No need to start that 100,000th clothing line when you know nothing about fashion other than how to match J’s and wear loud patterns. No need to start a record label because you like to freestyle and rappers get bitches. Bruh. Stay in your lane and when you get there, don’t slow down for anyone but the police. Ignore the modern hurdles of Instigram and Facebook which allow us to instantaneously show off our hood wealth. Focus on what maters: the bottom line.

In the end, it all comes down to avoiding certain pitfalls to allow you not to be the next Jay-z, but the new and improved Jay-z. Ni**as cant never have shit because they get it, and don’t know how to productively conduct themselves while celebrating success. Don’t be a ni**a. Conduct yourself.


Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Characters in a play called Black Twitter...

Bruh. We changed the password a gazillion times but still, somehow, the blog is hacked and these stupid ass ads keep getting through. Google hasn't offered a solution, hence the sporadic posting and lack of blogs....well that's half the reason, the other is that we're getting lazy. Nevertheless, lets get into it....pause.

White people have World of Warcraft, farmville and costume ridden Renaissance festivals to live out their utmost fantasies and desires. Black people....well, we have this thing called black twitter.

Black twitter: Where every guy gets a million hoes of the lighter skin-ded variety, every woman cooks, cleans, gives amazing head and has a 401k and where the worth of a man or woman lies in their amount of followers and retweets.

Tako: Sound like Mr. 300 Followers is about to start hating cause he's not twitter popular! Don't nobody care what you have to say. You're under 1,000 followers, you aint relevant!! Hahahahaha.

C4: Do you even have a twitter Tak?

Tako: Aint nobody got time for that. Lol.

Wja3: stupid. LOL. Hear him out...I like where this is going.

In order to navigate the black sea that is negro twitter one must first realize that it is not uncharted territory. There is nothing unique or compelling about black twitter other than its sheer strength in numbers and the simplicity which allows it to cater to the lowest common denominator. In doing this, however, Black twitter is genius. Genius like a white person who opens up a peanut butter and Jelly shop and sells .50 cent sandwiches for 6 bucks because they're "trendy." find the power in the simplicity. Black twitter is simple to follow and costs nothing but an email address to don't have to spell correctly, be pretty or do anything other that follow the leader, as Rakim would say. That's right, I said follow the leader because Black twitter is a gang like shredder's foot soldiers from the Ninja turtles.

Everyone looks the same, and if you dont look, speak and act like everyone else, you may end up like Robin Flowers. If you're part of black twitter you know this precautionary tale, if not the gist is that a guy named Robin spent endless twitter hours slandering dark skinned women and receiving hundreds of followers based on his crude racist jokes only to find out he was married to a dark skinned woman and had created a persona to "fit in." Pause for saying "Fit in."

Peep game.

Step 1: Know the players.

Black Twitter head Honchos like Officially Ice, Joe Budden, A2DaO, Zooted Spirwell, King Killa, Corn, Relly on Smash, J Thoro should be followed because they keep you in the loop. Also, the Black twitter tends to look to them for advice. There are more, but follow these guys and you'll figure out who the rest are.

Step 2: Quick thinking.

Come with an unfunny joke and Mojizel will quickly respond with some shit like "This tweet stinks." As a respected member of the Kwanza Twitter community, one retweet by the wrong (or right) person can set your mentions afire with slander. When in doubt start your tweet with:

a.) If you ____________ a hoe.
b.) Ni**as still taking these chicks on 200 dates and getting no ass?
c.) Son...(Insert Love and Hiphop reference).
d.) Tweet about the knicks. Black twitter loves the knicks.
e.) How many of yall ever got your salad tossed?
f.) Ni**as be like...._______
g.) Do people still_________, or nah?

While I know some of that may seem a bit risque, I must warn you, in the realm of black twitter, its tame. The melanin twitersphere is a filthy place....a filthy, funny place.

Step 3: Slander.

Remember when you were a kid playing the dozens? cutting? snapping? Dissing? Making fun of people? Well thats what you do here. See what the slander group of the day is, "girls with flat asses," "guys that still rock braids in 2013," whatever. Just be as mean as can be... BUT...dont dish it out if you cant take it. Try to run and theyll chase you...go offline and they'll find you. This is a gang. Blood in , blood out...take your lickin' (pause) untl the wolves smell fresh new blood and move on.

That it's, told you it was simple.

Tako: What about the hoes?

Avi's with Tits and ass, participation in thong thursdays, titty tuesdays, twitpic your thighs contests and complain about the Thirsty nig*as in your Dms though you sercretly love it and had you butt in the air for at least a few of them.......but enough of that, I'm not giving tutorials on how to be an Internet whore...even if it is relevant in the conversation of black twitter.

Wja3: Wow. That was a pretty thorough synopsis.

It was, and it was not written in vain.....

What's to be learned from the Play that is black twitter is that the balancing act between reality and fiction is the only thing which people seem to not care about. Unfortunately it is the only thing they should care about. Let me break it down.

The popular term on Twitter for the mindless following minions is "sheep." Now If i used that term I'd be a sheep right? Wrong. How about this. Sheep are herded and forced to follow the others because they are being directed by a sheepherder....someone who can castigate them ...beat them with a jesus staff....withhold their food. Kings and queens of black twitter can't really do any of those things to you. All they can do is say, "u cant sit at the cool table anymore" or, "I'm going home and taking my ball with me." This being said, the mindless followers are more like lemmings....remember that Nintendo game where one bird runs off a cliff and the others simply follow for no reason to their own detriment? Yeah, like that.

Unfortunately for us all, the metaphorical "cliff" is our self esteem as a black people. This self esteem which was lowered by slavery, Jim crow and institutional racism to the point where people wish Django was a true story.

Black twitter undoes all the progress made in the last few hundred years simply by making us turn on each other for the validation of strangers who are living their lives as catfish anyway. This is crabs in a bucket 2013, but the crabs have migrated. We're out of the bucket but now we're bragging like idiots over who's got the spot at the All you can eat seafood buffet and who's broke ass is being served up at sizzler or Red Lobster. We're arguing over who's the fanciest, or who will bring in the most cash. Sounds as stupid as slaves saying "Aiyo son, you see these strong white teeth? I'ma sell for wayyyyy mre than you b. " We pride our self of the aesthetics which will eventually cause our own downfall and belittle others who arent as aesthetically pleasing. Crabs. Out the bucket and at the buffet.

Once you're aware of these things you can use the info however you may like. Maybe it'll force you o think more before you hit that send button, maybe it wont. Maybe it will help you spread some knowledge about something you ACTUALLY know about and help further the race....maybe not. The choice is yours. Remember, however, this isn't a "why to hate black twitter" rant so much as it is a precaution. Use twitter for what its supposed to be used for....get bi*ches, send DMS, read funny blogs, get inspiration..... don't use it to be a coon.