Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Leader of the Free World Pt. 1: R. Kelly (1993-2003)

Merriam Webster's dictionary describes the term Decadence as " behavior that shows low morals and a great love of pleasure, money, fame, etc." Exemplified by the lifestyle and architecture of the French Renaissance period during the late 1400's -early 1600's, one can easily see that opulence was at an all time high, no expenses were spared and, for lack of a better term..."Ni**as were blowin the bread." The money flowed, Renaissance hoes loosened their chastity belts and popped that Pu**y for a medieval goon and people did whatever the fu*k they pleased in a hedonistic, "Rihanna-Dashia-Lohan"-esque fashion. King Francis I and Henry II ran the world, and this is how they liked it.






Fast forward nearly 4 centuries and we see the same thing happening all over again. Sure the players and demographics change, but the rules remain the same. Spend, Spend Spend. Only difference was that in the 1600's peasants didn't have credit cards with which they could rack up debt, and readily available teenage girls with impressionable minds and fertile bodies. The year is 1993, and the world was changing at the hands of one man....R.Kelly. This nig*a caused more change than Obama and still held 2/3 majority of the popular vote. Even our grandmas loved Kellz. Happpppy Pe-op-leeeeeeeeee.


Prior to R. Kelly going solo in 92', he put out a nice wholesome album with public announcement, entitled Born into the 90's...little did we know that he was actually making reference to how he likes his women. R&B and new jack swing were in full effect and the album's hits "shes got that vibe" and "honey love" fared well in a landscape dominated by powerful love songs and R & B ballads like Jodeci's album, Forever my lady. All was well in the world. People made "baby making music" without using the F word.


Then Kellz went solo. He lost his mind, and so did the rest of the world.


With his 1st Solo album, 12 play, Kellz made reference to sex from the jump. Fu*k foreplay we gonna do this shit 3x bigger. We were forewarned.  Seems like you're ready, bump & grind, I like the crotch on you and sex me were some of the albums hits. We were used to this type of filth coming from rappers, but not singers! Nevertheless, it was kinda cool...so the world embraced it. Out the window went the social taboo of singing about fuc*king. Radios played it. Kids heard it. Teenage pregnancy remained at a high rate.



By 1994, Kellz had married his 15 year old protege Alliyah (Oh don't act like yall forgot that) and put out her album, "Age aint nothin but a number" with him creepily lurking on the albums cover.


Now while Woody Allen had done some foul stuff like this in the past, we had never seen a black man do such an act so brazenly and publicly....as if....well, as if nothing was wrong with it.

 Perhaps because it was so brazen, no one even questioned it and actually acted surprised when Kellz got caught peeing on a 13 year old. It was so accepted that other people started doing it. FAM. Don't act like you dont remember guys driving to your middle school picking up girls and them thinking you were a hater for saying "that old nig*a only wants to fu*k." As always, the same line was to follow..."He's not like the other guys, and he thinks I'm mature for my age." Yup. Kellz probably said that to Aliyah too.

FYI between R.Kelly's "Downlow / You remind me of my Jeep" Album coming out and 2002, statutory rape levels remained at an average of 16%, for minority teens meaning almost 2 out of every 10 girls had had their 1st sexual experience with a man more than 4 years older. Smh.



By 95 everybody pretty much said fu*k it. People were living that YOLO lifestyle before Drake made it gay and popular. Brenda's got a baby taught us that if we didnt have the 250 for the abortion we could "wrap the baby up and throw it in a trash heap." Websters dictionary was on its way to making bling-bling an actual word, and Lil Wayne and B.G. told us it was OK to spend our rent money on jewelry AND rock 2 watches at the same damn time. Sheeeeeit, even Jodeci, the "It" band of the time, said Fu*k this "Forever my Lady" shit and named their 3rd album "The show, the afterparty, the Hotel." Well alrightttty then.



R&B dudes aint supposed to look like this. See what you started Kellz!

By 2002 not only was everyone self indulging and spending money they didn't have, thanks to rushcards, visa and American express, but they were also doing Ecstasy like pop rocks. Ja rule furthered the craze with the song "Ecstasy" off his 2001 Pain is Love album, and encouraged everyone to be "livin it up." The bubble was inflated. Kellz was the king of R & B. Little bitc*es were fu*king. Everyone was popping mo. We thought it would never end.....

And then it did.


R.Kelly's hedonistic tendencies got the best of him and he confused a little girl for a urinal, and himself for Brian pumper. Around the same time, Ja rule's Ecstasy craze was abruptly ended by none other than the party killer turned party starter, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson.


With the ethe-ring of Ja Rules career came a dark new era of Gangsta-ism as 50 reminded us that no matter how much money we spent, some goon with a gun could take it and no matter how drunk and fu*ked up we got, a big muscular black man was lurking in the shadows. Sure, we could still have fun....but it wasn't the same. Fif reminded us not to let a mindframe clouded by drugs and opulence let us forget we were still in a dangerous society full of peopl like the old him. Kellz was too busy on trial to be running shit as his reign came to an end. Teen pregnancy rates started to decline, and Kellz started to do damage control.

By 2004, R. Kelly had put out a gospel album and Ja rule was doing Bar Mitzvahs. Nuff said.

Let these uppity yuppies tell you hip hop hasn't shaped the world if you want to. You and I know the truth. Kellz, while I can;t say you did an entirely responsible and good job of shaping the free world, I cannot deny your importance and influence....and for that.....I wont encourage any young girls to come out of the woodwork pressing additional charges. Whoop.

-Bros


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bye Bye Baby


The demise of a once healthy relationship is something that every individual, male or female, has had to deal with at least one time in their life, and it's safe to say that the age old saying "Love Hurts" has always been rooted in some truth. Whether scorned by a cheating lover or saddened by the mutual parting of ways, one always has a choice once the dust has settled..... take the high road and leave the past in the past, or take the low road and air that nasty bi*ch out. I've always taken the high road.

Tako: Lies!!! What about when you tried to fight your ex's man when you ran into them in that Eagle's bar in NYC? Slish, Shanga & me had to physically hold you back and by the time you finally got loose he had disappeared.

Show: Ummmmmmm.... Plead the fifth.

Wja3: Or when you put the "Ex Girlfriend box" on Ebay and sold all her shit?

Show: Chilllllll.....This isn't about me guys!

Anyways....

There are lots of ways to break up with people and handle those break-ups. Caveman opted for the "dump you on Christmas once I see what gifts I've gotten" strategy, while my man H went the route of "Our relationship is getting boring and we're drifting apart....you should let my 3 friends smash to spice it up" then dumped his girl the next day, probably before the trace evidence of all his boys semen had dried up inside her. Smh.

America's hiphop savior, Nas, opted to put his pain on Wax....detailing his break-up in an excellent song called "bye bye baby." Though it must have Hurt his ex wife's Kelis's heart to hear the chorus melodically echo "I guess you knew you blew a good thing....." , Nas took the highest version of the low road possible. Sucker shit? I think not. Now everyone knows "she blew a good thing."


All of this, however, begs the question of "How should you handle a break-up?" Trash the other party? rent billboard space and let the world know the mother of your children is a harlot or that your baby daddy's a cheating dog? People have done it.


How about the Bros, though?  How would we and our friends have handled it? Guess you won't know until it happens...

Oh wait, it has happened to all of us!

Here goes a classic from my boy Lafleezy which he found in an old Blackberry. Check the pic. It is actually a screenshot of lyrics he typed, which I then transcribed below so you can actually read them. This Nig*a made a diss song!!! A diss song against his ex!!! AND he's not even a rapper!!! Now, because I know exactly how Lafleezy raps, I can literally hear the song word for word. You MUST read this out loud in a Project Pat Voice...think of the cadence from that whoop-whoop-Chickenhead song.



Chorus:
Bi*ch I hate you/
But I love you....
bi*ch I fu*king Hate You/
But I love you
Chuchhhh

Verse:
All up in my face talkin bout, "What the bidness is?"
Callin me, stalkin me, askin me "Who you wit?"
Girl I aint no fool, I know the Rules to this fu*king sh*t/
Tryin to keep my cool, Its chief Scooch, I'ma smack you bi*ch/
Stupid Ho, you gotta go....cause u aint livin right/
You is a Nav-a-jo...smokin on that peace pipe/
Tried to keep it on the low, creepin in the late night
You had your fun, but your dumb, look at what you really like...

I have to give this my Nappyheaded Approved stamp just for the sheer ingenuity. It's much better than these guys who "can't let go" and keep sabotaging their ex's new relationships. In a way, this is sort of takin the high road. Not my style, but pretty fu*king dope.

C4: Ummmmm Sir. Do you not remember your club Hood Mixtape with JonNYC ? Where you dissed that girl Nadia who played you? You made a whole song and released it for the general public on a mixtape...if I recall it went:

Chorus:
Act like the bulls, act like the clippers....don't be afraid to take a loss my nig*a/
Act like the sixers, when they played the lakers....swallow your pride and take the L like a gangsta

I forget the whole thing but part of the verse was like:

I called mami and she said "Im on the other line"
You on the other line, must've lost your fu*kin mind/
she tried to play me like a ni**a in the backseat/
so now I'm gone like a sprinter at a track meet/
it still hurts like a splinter in your ass-cheek/
but I aint even talk to ma since last week/



Show: Why you bringin up old shit.

Wja3: Hold up, hold up, hold up. WE MAKIN DISS SONGS ABOUT GIRLS NOW!!? Girls that dont even rap? Yall are fools.

Tako: Yall Boys are hilarious.
Better still, I can personally voutch for males and females who have used the following more hilarious tactics:

1.) "sending her nude pics to friends in jail"... its like an organ donation of sorts. You may be gone, but you are "creating new life" (LOL) as well as serving the greater good. (FREE Max B)

2.) Not take the phone out of your joint names and periodically check who's calling her (stalker shit.)

3.) Not take the phone out of her name, buy a new phone, run up the bill then skip town (tryfling.)

4.) Send pictures of her doing filthy things to her co-workers (just wrong.)

5.) Demand they return the engagement ring and take things a bit slower...use the money to buy new clothes and other jewelry...THEN finalize the breakup.

All these things go to show that whatever your preference may be in dealing with heartache and rejection, all is fair in love and war. I'm sure you guys have even better stories so feel free to shoot us an email. In the meantime I hope the Bloggers for educated ignorance have at least helped you in your quest for revenge...I mean closure...in regard to the girl or boy you once loved.  If not, just put nair in her shampoo. That always works. Thinning hair and a cancer scare usually makes ANY woman think twice about whether or not karma exists.
-Bros



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

You wasn't wit me Shootin in the Gym!!

"Bi*ch you wasn't with me shootin in the Gym, Uhhh....Bi*ch you wasn't with me shootin in the gym!!"

Translated from the urban vernacular, the above, popular phrase can be transcribed as follows:

Why should you be entitled to the benefits of my hard word and dedication when in fact, you were not the one putting in countless hours of effort. In essence, the phrase says that a spouse or girlfriend shouldn't be entitled to half your assets unless she helped earn them. Does this mean I am saying that being a support system and emotional rock does not count as the help needed to keep a man sane and help him transition to greatness? Absolutely not. What I am saying, however, is that if you believe in this mantra....your ass needs to learn the word pre-nup.


Maybe he was in love so he ignored the call to make the smart decision. Maybe he didn't realize he'd be as big as he has become....either way, Kobe almost took a ginormous loss. Like a bad BJ in jail, however, he was able to escape by the skin of his teeth.

C4: YUCKKKK!!!

Kobe was able to avoid the loss of millions, however, simply because in 2012 the culture of Rap music is so pervasive that a colloquial phrase and sing-songy rapper was able to stir within his wife, the ethos of "stand by your man" or at least "stand by your man's assets."

Drake said it best:

"Kobe bout to lose 150 M, Kobe my ni**a, I hate it had to be him....uhh..bi*ch you wasn't with me shootin in the gym!"

Women like Drake. When he talks hoes listen.

Vanessa Bryant, Kobe's hot ass white wife, was listening, and clearly believed that she was indeed "Shootin with him [Kobe] in the gym." She believed this so much that she ignored Kobe supposedly raping that hideous slam pig in Colorado and decided to say, YOLO, lets give it another try. Vanessa basically said, Aiiight,aiiight I forgive you...I'ma stop trippin......



That was, until she saw this hogwash tomfoolery right here......


Oh, now you got two playboy?


Apparently, TMZ caught Kobe half bucket nekkked with two white womenz at a team USA Party. Aside from him getting caught, WHY is this Acceptable?!! At a heterosexual party where no pool is involved and you are wearing jeans, you should not be shirtless. I'ma ignore that crazzzzy sag going on in pic #1 that looks like a.) he's a 17 yr old in skinny jeans that does the jerk or b.) he's about to whip out his meat and do a different type of jerk. In layman's terms, a cokehead should not be posted up between two giant mounds of coke. I'm not hating, but im convinced that If kobe sniffed that Colorado, I'm sure he wished he had a Doug Funny-Krs One sized nose for these two alabaster mounds of arian purity.


Tako: This guy!

More perspective. I've given my ex-Gf the most ridiculous story to explain my non-cheating. I basically thought I had gotten burned and refused to have sex with her. My excuse was that I fingered a girl in a strip club and forgot to wash my hands before peeing. The most ridiculous part of the story is that it is true!!  I ended up not having an STD or UTI and even I myself think it sounds like a bold faced lie despite the fact that it wasn't. 

Wja3: Kudos to you for manning up rather than infect.

Moral of the story is that she believed me because she had no reason not to. Kobe's girl has PLENTY reason not to believe him.  Remember Colorado? STILL, the best excuse he could come up with was "I was waiting for a clean shirt after someone spilled something on my first shirt." C'mon Son!!!

Call it stupidity or gold diggerish greed, but Vanessa will take him back after being made to look like a fool again. I'm sure many people say "that's the life of an NBA star" , but when a woman takes a wedding vow just remember , she expects her husband to be hers and only hers regardless of who he is. I'm sure she knows he's cheating and as much as she loves him and tries to keep him on the straight and narrow, I'm sure she knows it'll happen again. Maybe she's biding her time until she finds the right man to help her spend Kobe's millions. Maybe she's out sucking more shlong than the hookers at Hunt's Point. Who knows?


One thing is for certain though....Kobe may think he gains a victory with each insertion that he survives unscathed, but it's like the hood dudes who upgrade baby mommas for a badder one...only to end up paying more money in child support. In the end, they win and you lose. Cutting your earning power by HALF!!! 50%!!! These girls aint stupid and in actuality, they're winning. Name one other way to make 150 million without working or being a Kardasian??

Why you think Cookie stayed with magic. Hint, hint...It wasnt cause chicks like boning dudes with Aids.
It's Cause she was shootin with him in the gym!

Ladies, Don't be stupid.....Fellas, be careful who you let in on your practice sessions. I'm out.

-Bros