Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Everything I needed to know about Hoodrats

Remember those old framed posters you would see with the apple that said "All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten" that talked about sharing and caring and shit? Well that's a good place to start. Now I know a lot of you traded study hall for section 8 a long time ago, or rocked your last cap and gown before you even had fully grown titties, but we can at least agree that pretty much all of us went to Kindergarten.

This simple, absolute fact begs me to ask the question of "what has changed between now and kindergarten, when everyone seemed pretty much eachothers' equal , that now people of different races and social classes have begun acting like they were born on different planets?" Is it the cycle of poverty and even worse, cycle of uneducated parents failing to want better for their kids? Sure. Is it a culture which favors the rich and offers the poor a crutch to lean on rather than a stepping stone to financial improvement? You betcha. Is it the lack of positive male role models and the normalizing of the single parent household? Yes sir.  It is all of these things....AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! (Future voice). Fortunately for you all, this is not a social work blog and we're choosing to focus on a more interesting and smaller, albeit important contributing factor which has "made us the way we are." Music my nig*a....Music.

Music is one of the primary reasons white people and black people are so different, and why we like different types of women. I've never heard Toby Kieth or Billy Ray Cirus talk about a fat ass or how bands a make her dance. Just like I never heard a rap song say, I want a trailer park queen and a bottle of Jim beam. This being said.....


Everything I needed to know about Hoodrats, I learned from 3-6 Mafia...and Project Pat

1. Last 2 Walk:

You ever hear the expression "don't keep a circle full of squares?" Well in the urban vernacular, this translates to a steadfast decision that the ones closest to you shall be treated like family, and the rest should simply be kept at bey. One of 3-6 Mafia's last albums, entitled "Last 2 Walk" symbolized just this same mantra of "keep your friends close and enemies the fu*k from round you." The 3-6 essentially started with 2 members Juicy J and Dj Paul (because noone remembers koopsta Knicca), added two more, (Gangsta Boo & Crunchy Black) and eventually ended up with just 2...Juicy and Paul...It's usually the homies you've known the longest that you can trust to stick by your side.

To the victors go the spoils...and white women....

2. It's Hard out here for a pimp:

Yeah I'm sure you remember Terance "The Perm" Howard's high yellow ass singin this after he got beat up by punk ass Ludacris in Hustle and flow, but it was actually the 3-6 Mafia who penned this ode to the peddaling of flesh. The opening chorus "You know it's hard out here for a pimp, when he's gotta make the money for the rent, and when the Cadillacs and Gas money spent, they're be a whole lotta bi*ches jumpin ship" is one of the most definitive moments of Rean Nig*a shit ever to be put on wax. 3-6 Taught us that at some point in our adult life we will have to hustle to make ends meet, and that we should be prepared for fairweather friends to disappear once times get hard...

3. Lemme See Your Tongue Ring:

Chris rock said it best. "If a girl has a tongue ring, she'll probably suck your di*k." 3-6 said it first. Pretty self explainatory. . In the words of 3-6, she will "Slob on your knob, like Corn on the cob." I learned that in highschool, ironically aroud the same time I started listening to 3-6, and no girl I've met since then has ever dispelled the myth. To make things even better, the Mafia not only taught us about getting our nuts licked, a$$ eaten and knob slobbed, they made talking about it in a crude yet brash manner acceptible because it was funny. It was like hoes would say "OMG, LOL. Corn on the cob. What a funny analogy!" without even realizing that your jolly green giant was half way down her esophogus. LOL.I actually have a new theory that the physiochemical properties of semen are somehow magnetically structured with a charge that aligns toward metal objects. If she has a tongue ring she usually swallows. Now get this, with the new generation of Lil Wayne faced girls getting these new metal moles, lip, eyebrow and other facial piercings, I am inclined to assume that these women must also like sporatic spluges of semi warm seminal splashes all up in their grill. Girls with tongue rings are always freaks

4. Don't Save Her:

We've all heard the term 'Captain Save-a-Hoe' before, though some of us choose to ignore it and break out our cape at the strip club every week. Project Pattttt-ah let us know "Don't save her...She don't wanna be saved!" and he was probably telling the truth. In knowing a lot of strippers and hookers, mainly the ones Caveman dated for that year we refer to as "the Dark Period" I've learned that they like the life. Sleeping till 4 pm, doing drugs, having sex and getting paid.... No other job offers those kids of benefits. Even regular girls don't want to be saved, be it from a life of rachetness, a cheating or abusive man, or a life of mediocrity. She may pretend like she wants to be saved, but in the end she will chicken out and resort to her old ways. I've been there, offered to move a girl in with her child...but her fear of responsibility and expectations was greater than her fear of living check to check and in tenement housing. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Remember, be it for fear of not being able to measure up once outside of their comfortable enviornment, or lack of desire to change their current situation, you can't rescue someone from a place that they like being mans poverty is a rachet hoe's paradise.

5. Bands a make her dance:

This recently penned song by the Juice man reminds me that as long as your money is green, you can show up in an urban strip club with a KKK hood on and nobody would notice. Shit, no offense, but money made us go for about 10 years without noticing DJ Paul only had 1 hand! Bands most certainily will make her dance, and upon hearing such I automatically think of the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiasi's old saying "Everyone has a price...everyone can be bought." Sounds crazy, but I'm sure there's a price point for everything. Preemtive pause. Moral of the story is, women love money. With money you can Tear da Club up, pop your collar while sippin on some sizzurp and pull any "whoop whoop" Chickenhead that you want. Yes, Bands it is. ***Commences to throw.  

Shouts to my homie Obama & the folks who did they thing at the DNC .They got them racks shawty.


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