Monday, May 21, 2012

At the Same Damn Time: Rules for Dating 2 women

"I been in this game for years...It made me an animal...There's rules to this shit...I wrote me a manual."

-The Notorious B.I.G

Show: Big said that....and we all know the prophetic powers of NY's most potently prolific poet.

Tako: Well.....

"Fu*kin two bad bi*ches at the same damn time!"


Tako: Future said that, and...ummm....that nig*a is the truth!

Wja3: So I see you both plan on blending the old and new school as a means to justify misogyny, infidelity and double trickin'. I'm with it. Do ya thing.

I'm glad that Wja3 has started this conversation by stating something that a lot of you were thinking, despite the fact that it is inherently untrue. This post is not misogynistic, except in that I'm gonna throw the word bi*ch around freely and with reckless abandon, because dating two women is not wrong.....It's not wrong BECAUSE it is not cheating. Cheating is wrong. The fact that I say "women" and not people is just to base it on personal experience....I'm not "a gay" hence I can't tell you how to date two men. Also, these Do's and Don't's will tell you what to look out for so that you don't think you're in a relationship when you're really just a second string skeet swallowing slore-bag. No offense.

Rule #1: Takeout is king.

In Girl talk:

Cooking a Homemade meal= he loves me

Dining out = He's got money....Let's spend it.

Rule #2: Break the chain

Being linked on social media sites allow the girls you are dating to secretly stalk each other. Trust me son, you don't want that drama, nor does it make you seem like more of a pimp. Watching two ghetto hoes bicker over you only serves as entertainment for the rest of us and a warning to any respectable girl like to date birds.

Rule #3: No Names!

This sort of goes with #1. You MUST let the girls you are dating know they aren't the only one, but CANNOT eva eva eva eva eva let them know each others names, Twitter Handles, Instigram usernames or anything like that.

C4: Yawn. Give us something we don't know.

First off, here's an emphatic F*ck you to C4. Secondly, let me state that while you may know the three big rules, it is often the grey areas between them which lead to the eventual deterioration of our said pimpin. To reverse those effects, I've supplied supplemental tips.

Tip # 1: Take her out seldom, but when you do, always pay or always make her pay...DO NOT mix and match.

Making her pay shows, a.) I'm not shit from the start, you know this, and are signing on to deal with it. This is like stealing money out a girls purse on the 1st date....years later she can never say "you don't treat me like you did when we first met." LOL. b.) Making her pay shows, I don't give a fu*k about all....not even a T.G.I Fridays Fu*k.

Always paying, on the other hand, adds more of a "this is whatever...I'm paying for your pus*y" type atmosphere. When you want to dead the skeetlationship you can always use the "You showed too many golddigging tendencies" excuse. Also, it makes her feel like a whore and more like your property. It's fu*ked up, but it works. Whore's don't try to claim rightful relationship amenities like space on your DVR or a spot on your towel rack....nah son.

Going dutch, or doing the "I'll pay this, you pay the next" shows that you trust and care for each other, dont care about being emasculated AND plan on being around for another date. NEVER DO IT. End of story.

Tako: Pure Gold!!

Tip #2: Give her the Biz.

Now, when I say give her the biz, I do not mean put it down in the bedroom and make her forget all of your other shortcomings. I mean give her the "Biz Markee", champion for all downtrodden men who've had a love interest spend too much time with someone who's "just a friend." Leave your phone on ring and when it goes off, ANSWER IT! When girl # Thursday calls you on a Friday, take her call...right in front of Ms. Friday...and when the girl on the other end asks who that is in the background, because Ms. Freaky Friday will know by your soft tone and non-usage of the N-word that you're talking to a female and hence try to make herself heard, you respond, "Oh She's Just a friend..."

Tako: Damn. That's cold.

Even better, when you hang up act like nothings wrong and carry on. Ms. Friday will try to visually display attitude, but pretend not to notice, and when she brings it up , saying "oh, I'm just a friend? That's all we are?" Say "Yeah, we aren't dating exclusively or anything..." in a nonchalant, not confrontational manner. She wont know what to do...She can't get mad cause you seem genuinely surprised that she thought you were more, and she does not want to look like the "Stupid girl who was disillusioned." This should buy you at least another 4 months while she discusses "trap him" strategy with her gossipy friends. It is most important to bring and use your own condoms after pulling this move. Desperate girls go to desperate, hole in condom poking measures.

Tip #3: Always remember that I will never work out with either woman.

As sad as it sounds, I was once told something which stuck with me: "Show me the prettiest woman in the world, and I'll show you a dude sick of dealing with her." Where most men get tripped up in the process of dating two women is when they themselves forget that If this girl was worth a Jean claude van Damn, you wouldn't have an extra. Nobody buys a bottle of Moet with a chaser, but you most certainly order a beer and a shot at the same time. Don't let your own perception fool you. When comparing each of the two woman's faults you will inevitably find that one excels in everything the other lacks....comparatively at least. This is similar to believing that Heineken and Corona are truly superb beers just because your local bodega only carries that, coors light, bud and St Ides. In white people terms, the grass is always greener on the other side...but don't forget, on the other side of town theres a landscaped lawn with some dope ass shrubbery. What yall nig*as know about shrubbery son? LOL.

Wja3: Well said. I have to admit, you sir do know a few things about hoes.

Why thank you. Now, of course, I can't give away all the secrets, but I think this is a good starting point for the 2012 version of double dating. Lol. I'd be interested in what the ladies and fellas have to say about this so feel free to comment. In the meantime, turn up some Future or Biggie and lets get the Menage poppin!!


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dear Fellas: Anytime a woman cheats, it's your fault.

Son, I haven't been on blogger in so long that the look and feel of the web setup has changed and I can barely figure this out. Damn, guess we're long overdue for some Nappyheaded nostalgia as I reflect on my past hoes and the lessons learned. Yep, I said hoes. F**k you gonna do? sue me. My president listens to young jeezy. You Cant tell me sheiiiiiiiit.

On with the "Show." I'm about to go national geographic so I can plead the plight of my demographic.

Tako: Oh boy, Mr. 30 year old rapper is at it again. Give it up.

C4: Well.....what you got Showrockadile Hunter?

Check it. Female lions represent the best and worst of society and actually arent too different from the women of today. Let's start with the best. Female lions hunt all day while the Male lions just chill, protect the crib, chill and chill some more. She provides for her family, holds it down for her man and recognizes that he is king and she's just there to be his better, more active, more responsible half....well she's there for that and to give up the lion booty. Lol.

Tako: Some might be inclined to call this the "perfect baby mama" syndrome.

Now for the bad. Female lions will allow a new man to come into her old man's den and take sh*t the fu*k over! Now, in her defense, she does not "sleep around" or tell old lion side piece #2 that he can run up in her den, smash and leave before her King gets back (Like some of you tryflin females) , but she does do something different. If the #1 lion aint got his shit together or is neglecting his duties to the point another lion takes over his den in some sort of a lion version of the strong arm robbery, she lets him kill all the kids from her previous CubbyDaddy and start smashing anew. Wow. Lion bi*ches aint shit!

The point of all this is that most women start off loyal and have their man's back, with those that dont fit this mold being certified hoes from the start. Female species are not programmed to take on as many partners as possible as are many masculine creatures. This being said, they are not fighting genetics. I will even take this a step further and risk pissing off all men across the world by saying "anytime a woman cheats, it is your own fault."

Wja3: Bold words.

Though my blog brethren may not be in agreement I have ascertained 4 primary reasons that all break-ups are the fault of a male. I also use acronyms just cause a NLI. (Negro like it!)

1.) Reason 1, CCMP: Couldnt keep  your meat in your pants.

Pretty self explanatory. Men can separate sex from loving and caring in a way that no SELF-RESPECTING female can do...I dont care what she says....she cant separate them the way a man can (pause.) Problem is, a relationship is an implied contract. She doesnt care that you have no emotional or even physical attachment to that girl, she cares that your meat has been compromised. If you wanna keep her, you gotta make the Meat her's.


2.) Reason 2, TFG: You took her for granted

Remember how happy you were when you first bagged her? Before you realized that in addition to that fat ass and pretty face came a smart mouthed princess who was stubborn and hardheaded? Well good. She remembers the sweet guy who would send her packages and flowers just because....the guy who was in shape, not a fat ass and who would actually pay the tab. Difference is, she has a line of available nig*as willing to fill her "void." The thirst disguised as concern and chivalry often prevails (see Reason 3). Men are a bit more relationship smart. We just see other girls with fat asses and puertorican accents and assume that they have just as many problems as you....

Meanwhile, you gals see Mr Twitter sixpack romeo and go gaga-slurpslurp-byebye.

3.) Reason 3, IBNH: You were in her bed but not her head.

Number 3 should've been number one to me..... (I actually didnt make it #1 just so I could rap that line in a Biggie voice.) This is the most important reason break-ups are mens faults. Women cheat because some man has gotten into her head and convinced her that he was a better fit and possibly, that you aint shit. No man can get in your woman's head if you have properly made the appropriate mental connections. Look at all the girls who stay with a man and cry their eyes out each night, hoping he'll change because they love so much about him. Connection established!

Think about it. A man telling your girl she could do better SHOULD be like someone telling you the world is flat and not round. If she stops to ask the question "why do you think it's round?" you haven't properly sealed all entries for mental doubt. Another man can only pull emotional bit*h ass ni**a tricks on your lady, i.e) tell her you're probably cheating, exploit her insecurities about your PAST indiscretions, listen to her boring stories or pretend to care about her interests if you give her a reason to NEED to discuss her life with another male. Take care of your business and the thought of even discussing stuff like this with another man will seem like cheating in and of itself!

Also, get in her friends heads. If they dont like you, they'll be setting her up on double dates in a heartbeat saying "it's not cheating, I just think you two could hit it off and be good friends." Beware the single hoes.  
Men cheat to satisfy the meat. Women cheat for emotional reasons which makes it a gazillion times worse.

4.) Reason 4, SHFS: She was a' Sho'.

This is your fault. You should've done your research, listened to your homies, checked the amount of  Do-rags left on the side of her bed, pulled her medical abortion history or known when you saw the tongue ring. You tried to turn a paraplegic to a Kenyan and it didn't work. It never works....duh...that's why hoes are winning.

C4: That was a pretty good rap up my dude. Sounds like someone hurt you, but it was still a good rap up. Lol.

In the end this doesn't excuse any woman for cheating and really only portrays the Bros as more misogynistic by actually thinking we control a woman's decision to cheat, but i do believe everything stated was true. Women, I hope that you have an endless stream of STDs and a stable of special needs children if you's just as easy to voice your concerns and fix the problem, or simply walk away. Fellas, stop blaming that other dude for your tryflin woman's ways. You made her that way. Take each failed relationship as a lesson learned and think of ways you can do better....

Oh yea, and stop wifin hoes.

Paz no Guerra.

-ShowShow aka 2Playz