Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sooooooooo....yesterday brought all the stars out. Lots of comments and a general sentiment that most of you didnt like the blog. Boo hoo, cry me an afro-centric river, dry it with your Dashikis and peazy wiz Khalifa afros while i sip champagne and smoke cigars with some busty, straight haired Cuban women. I'm just kidding...I'm over it.
Today we shall venture into the uncharted waters of a gender specific phenomenon unique to the male species. Yup...I dont feel like arguing with yall bi.....
C4: Yo yo yo yo yo........chilll son.....
Anyways, like I was saying ...I dont feel like arguing with you bigots and estrogen filled egg donors...lol. Today I'ma holla at the fellas. No homo. Lol.
With the advent of the word pause and the phrase no homo we have been ushered into an era of overt and excessive masculinity all in the name of not being perceived as gay. Football, beer, boxing, womanizing...all of these things can be described as stereotypically "manly", and there's not really anything wrong with that....except the womanizing part. Unfortunately, what has happened in 2011 is that we've let this phenomenon get out of hand on some "when keepin it real goes wrong shit." Yes, you read that right. Fellas have become so worried about being called soft or gay that they are refusing to hold their girls hands in public, or watch sappy movies with the mother of their children. This, sir, has got to stop.
Tako: Word son? A Co-Sign by Nas and you come out lookin like a thugged out G.I. Joe? Jesus piece on an AK? I can't!
That being said, i feel like fellas would be more at ease with embracing our inner Don Juan Romeo Sensitivo IF they got affirmation from a real nigga like me....the modern day tupac of the blog world....the only nigga so gangsta he'd crip walk to a blood test...
So here you have it. 5 Thngs you wouldn't do cause you thought they were homo, but that You can now do cause I gave you a pass. **tucks gun in waistband for effect.
5. Hold you girl's hand.
Sheeeeeeit, if you don't, you risk other niggas trying to holler and you having to defend her honor. What happens when its a group of niggas or a dude bigger than you? exactly. You dont want those problems. I dont care if you think you're Floyd Mayweather and can sucker punch niggas into oblivion, there's always a chance you'll slip....and to a woman, there's nothing sexy about getting knocked out. Do it for her! Do it for you! Just do it! Hold her hand, grab her waist. PDA aint gay. Just dont grab her waist from behind and do the duckwalk, or swing your hand while you guys are intertwined, because that sir, is borderline gay and looks ricky smiley retarded.
4. Drink Wine
It shows you are cultured...if you drink wine that requires a cork and not an aluminum twist top. Real talk, wine is also a refreshing break from beer and yak. Do not, however, drink Moscatto or any other sweet wine. It's kinda like ordering an Apple Martini son, and while Im not saying "dont order it cause it sounds gay", as that would defeat the point of this self empowerment post, I will say that no woman wants to kiss you with sticky ass apple pucker lips sweeter than her lipgloss. Go with a Merlot, Shiraz or Cab...preferably Dry. Stay away from Boone's farm.
Keanu Reeves: Fuck I gotta say no homo for? I get bitches AND have a beard.
3. Eat P*ssy
How someone inferred that this was gay is actually perplexing to me. Its actually the un-gayest thing you can do. Its a vagina, its where babies come from....its where your erect penis goes. Quit trying to make a point and be so hard. You should be willing to do anything that makes your queen happy, as long as it doesn't involve a dildo or finger in your butt. I'm not gonna speak on my particular affinity for indulging in female nether regions, BUT i can say, all real niggas do it. Dont, however, subscribe to the Lil wayne school of thought where you randomly chow miscellaneous box cause you heard it in a song...Eat that strippers pussy like cold pizza and your lip might end up looking like meat lovers pizza. Eat! eat! eat! But use discretion, cause nobody wants puss filled rocky road lips.
Tako: He should've got herpes of the teeth. Maybe then they'd fall out and he could start over. LOL. I aint shit.
2. Wear Dress Clothes
Nigga you're almost 30, who are you keepin it real for? Dress age appropriate. Sure you may actually look your age and therefore ruin your chances with Jordan wearing highschool juniors, BUT you will open yourself up to a world of grown up and professional woman. Unlike the teenie boppers, however, they will require you to be responsible, have a job and not plan your rent payments around foamposite release dates, so be warned. JK. A man in nice business casual attire is ready for anything and will ALWAYS get the job over the nigga in khakis, Air forces and an oversized polo. Dress like a grown up, get paid like a grown up, get grown up bitches...its a win win...Ask Carmello.
1. Get Your Salad Tossed
C4: Nope. There is no straight looking position to put yourself in while getting your butt licked.
Tako: Always the deciding vote, I shall say Swag.
Analingus. Its like her eating the pussy you dont have. Hahahaha. A lot of people are opposed, but if you've reached this level with your mate, its all about sexual exploration and a world without bounds. Ask her to shove a dildo in your butt and we will call you gay, but this....we'll let this rock. Its one of life's simple pleasures....feels awesome......shows she really loves you and isnt scared of cholera or Hepatitis. Most importantly, it makes you feel like the mu'fuckin man. Shes going to uncharted regions and making you erupt like mount Vesuvius all while she, or you, stroke your meat. Everybody loves multi tasking . LOL. Why do you think they call it "tossing salad"? It's healthy and promotes balanced nutrition. It also elevates you to "seasoned veteran" status like "Yo son, don't talk to me about sex if you never had ya salad tossed. Step ya game up. Lol." (**Grabs every girls but while running through the land of 1,000,000 PAUSES.)
So there you have it.
Wise words from a decent man...call me gay if you'd like, but I bet I get better looking bit*hes than you. #Fact
- Show "Me the Tetas" Rock
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Why do people care about Lightskinned Vs. Darkskinned girls when there are all these beautiful White women to be wooed?
Tako: This nig*a!!!
C4: We may be reaching the point of No return.
Me personally, I have a soft spot for latinas. All this means is that if i walk in a room of attractive females, I will probably gravitate towards the latina girl the same way that black college freshman all gravitate towards the "ethnic dorm" named after W.E.B Dubois, MLK or some other non-threatening black leader. Maybe its because this is where I feel safe (Latina girls will view my terrible salsa dancing as cute while black women will clown me for my lack of rhythmic cadence) or maybe it's just that Latina's make my di*k hard...harder than most, but not all, black women.
This is personal preference, which is OK. Unlike yall stupid mutherfu*kas who claim "Light skin" is your preference over "dark skin," however, this personal preference make sense. Latinas have different FEATURES than black girls, as do white girls and Asians. Light skinned black girls and dark skinned black girls are essentially the same slice of toast, on different toaster settings.
"I like Dark meat chicken better than light meat." Makes sense...they TASTE Different.
"I like White Shirts in the summer and not black." Makes sense...they FEEL different.
I like light skinned girls because....Go ahead nigga....answer.....
Half the people making this claim cannot even articulate why they prefer lighter girls other than to offer the explanation of "Dark skinned girls are ugly." The same features, same bloodlines , same smell, same hair type yet you think they're ugly because of their degree of tint? Would you call a blue Benz ugly because you like Red? Would you feel the need to go online and vehemently oppose anyone driving a Blue benz spewing hatred towards "their kind?" I hope not.
I get it. You got a few RT's and some twitter laughs. You may have even gotten a few new followers and some pus*y from a few unintelligent lightskinned girls who like the praise and attention...but do you really believe it? I have much more respect for the guy with the white girl.
Tako: Sweet Baby Jesus (Frank Ocean Voice)
It's better to be with a white girl because its an indication of what features you like in a woman, rather than an arbitrary distinction between hues designed to solicit the affirmation of miscellaneous niggas you dont know. Yall would rather alienate yourselves from an entire class of pu**y just to seem "cool" for a bunch of dudes you don't know? Gay.
While it may be a joke to you, the light skinned debate has been going on since the days of slavery and still exists in other countries as well through caste systems. Luckily, our generation never had to endure the embarrassment of trying to hide their racial identity or be judged by the fairness of their skin during a "paper bag test." You dissed the hell out of a dark skinned girl? You made her re-live the pain of her ancestors? Cool story, douche.
Me personally, I'm just not into damaging young black girls self esteem regardless of whether or not I want to smash. I'll take a mixed girl, spanish girl with nigga lips or a white girl with a black girl ass any day over a regular black. I like variety, mutherfucka I'm worldly. I dont care about making other guys think I'm cool. Bitch I practically sweat icecubes and piss chilled vodka.
The fact of the matter is that judging solely on skin color and not even cultural features is exactly what MLK fought against....its an arbitrary distincton and essentially the stuff stereotype dreams are made of. If you really hate dark skinned girls and praise the almighty yellowbone, you're just hating yourself bruh. I could care less either way, I'm just letting you know that If you're gonna di*k ride twitter nig*as, you might as well put on some leopard jeggins, hop up on the di*k and do a full split.
Who knows. Maybe you wont...but then again, maybe you will.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Oh, apparently I've gotten your attention....now I'll play nice.
I am in no way knocking people for becoming aware of something only because social media latched onto it. I feel, ultimately, that the ends justifies the means. You logged onto twitter to unscrupulously invade some girls DM box and drool over some titty tuesday pics and by the graces of God became educated on the pressing issue of injustice in the justice system. Kudos. Use this as a stepping stone to learn more about this cause which you are seemingly passionate about and not a way to try and look smart...whenever stupid people try to look smart it ends catastrophically with us smart folk laughing all the way to our baccalaureate.
Now, onto Ol' boy Troy and his case.
Nowadays, most states in the U.S, (I believe about 46) have felony murder statutes which basically say that if someone dies during the commission of a felony, all participants, whether they are the "shooter" or not, will be charged with 1st Degree murder. Mind you, this is my basic understanding of the law as an intelligent human being, not a lawyer, so feel free to correct me if you are smarter and have a law degree (you must meet both conditions or I will tell you to suck 1,000 di*ks.)
Troy wasn't in the "wrong place at the wrong time", because he was obviously up to no good. He was not a saint. Though no murder weapon was found, bullets at the scene matched bullets from another shooting in which davis was implicated as the shooter. I have no doubt in my mind that Troy Davis shouldn't have been killed, however, having prior gun charges and being at the scene while everything is going down doesn't make you look innocent. He may not be guilty of 1st Degree murder, but what Troy Davis is guilty of, however, is getting First 48'ed.
The other main suspect in the killing, Troy's "friend" Slyvester "Redd" Coles is one of the first people to snitch to the police and blame the killing on Troy. Like in the First 48, he snitched 1st and got the better deal. Swag.
All these things considered, Davis WAS found guilty by a jury, supposedly of his "peers." While it has since came to light that more than half of the original eyewitnesses have recanted their testimony (Changed their stories) or admitted to being coerced by police, this does not change the fact that he WAS convicted. This is an inherent danger in the definition of a trial by jury. People are going to make opinions based on what they see and the emotional responses their personal beliefs trigger within them. Witnesses often lie, this is fact. The error, however, lies not within the justice system itself, but rather in the sea of lying ass witnesses, crooked ass cops and naive ass jurors who somehow managed to convict "beyond a reasonable doubt" (no Jay-Z) even with NO PHYSICAL EVIDENCE...just circumstantial clues and here say.
What this is, is not an campaign for or against one man's guilt, but rather a debate on capital punishment (The Death Penalty), a penalty which I wholeheartedly support in this case, as I believe it's God's way of removing Troy from the Prison Purgatory that is death row. If he is innocent of the killing, why the fuck would he want to stay alive in jail everyday thinking "this is some bullshit."
Even Amnesty international has released the following statement:
Amnesty International does not know if Troy Davis is guilty or innocent of the crime for which he is facing execution. As an abolitionist organization, it opposes his death sentence either way. It nevertheless believes that this is one in a long line of cases in the USA that should give even ardent supporters of the death penalty pause for thought. For it provides further evidence of the danger, inherent in the death penalty, of irrevocable error. As the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court wrote in 1993, "It is an unalterable fact that our judicial system, like the human beings who administer it, is fallible."(3) Or as a US federal judge said in 2006, "The assessment of the death penalty, however well designed the system for doing so, remains a human endeavour with a consequent risk of error that may not be remediable."(4)
In the end, I guess I'll just leave you with the classic black folk saying designed for those moments when things are beyond are control and we resign ourselves to our melanin afflicted fate....
"It is what it is."
One thing's for sure, however... Mr. Davis, or shall we say T.R.O.Y....they will reminisce over you.
-Rocka P. Newton
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
So the next time you see a girl and say why does she continue to deal with this dude and he wont commit, despite the fact that she clearly does, change your perspective. She's not a hoe, nor is she a naive bootycall hanging onto a fleeting hope. She's a paramedic. She's doing a service for all the respectable girls in America, playing the CNA for your potential nurses. Somebody's gotta do the dirty work so our future wifey's can keep their knees clean. Pow.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
5. Lack of a removable battery
4. Ease of use / Icon Size:
In addition to all this, iphones are really just modified ipods, and we all know that everyone (except un-resourceful poor people) has an ipod. This just makes it easier for them to navigate your shit in the 5 minutes you're gone and not have to experience a learning curve. PLUS, that means everyone has an ipod/phone charger. No longer will the, my phone's dead excuse fly.
3. GPS: What a great idea, you'll never get lost!!
Whoops....not a great idea.
What happens when that over-possessive Jamaican husband (no racist) or crazy jealous Guatemalan guy you went on 1 date with (no racista) gets ahold of your phone under the guise of making a call and actually syncs the GPS with his phone so he can track your every move.
This one is pretty self explanatory. As if all these other compounded problems and electronic handcuffs created by the iphone weren't enough, Steve Job's just had to one up himself. He just had to add some garlic roasted sauteed hate on top of the Philadelphia Chicken Hate-steak called the iphone...facetime. Facetime is essentially Skype for phones. Good for mutual masturbation with your long distance diva, but that's it. Cant lie and say you're at the bar with Bud when your really lying in a hotel lettin Rudy play with your puddin pop (Bill cosby Voice).
1. Steve's your pusher.
All jokes aside, the iphone has become a Catalyst for drug-like dependency. We talk, text, check emails, play games, track girls periods (if you're weird) , start cars, remember things and even share personal photos with our electronic mini computers. Don't think you're that dependent? Name 5 phone numbers you can remember off the top of your head. Exactly.
Worse still, if you have your phone up your ass 24 hours a day, it makes it really hard for you to ignore it and say that you didn't have it with you. A girl who believes that is as bad as one who believes sucking di*k causes cancer.
So there you have it. Proof that the NappyHeadedBros are your friends and want your relationships to flourish. I , for one, refuse to relinquish my iphone so I'd rather just not cheat. Some of yall haven't gotten there yet...I advise you to switch back to blackberry's.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Rather than discuss body count (The amount of sexual partners or "bodies" a potential mate has) we are opting to do away with the traditional Western number system in favor of the Ancient Arabic Alphabet Anagram. LOL Rather than form words with letters, however, we shall be using letters to form opinions of people without knowing them. :) Martin Luther King would NOT be proud. But, Martin goneeeeeeeeee that nigga deaddddd (Kanye voice.) Oh this shit is the bomb.
That being said, almost every letter from A to Z can tell you about a woman's character, intentions and overall demeanor. Think I'm Lying? Read Below.
Dating by the "Letter's..." It may fit you to the "T."
B: If she says the letter b and uses it as though it is a noun, she's probably from Harlem. If not, excessive use of the word B is simply an indicator that she hangs out with too many dudes, is on twitter too much or is a brute. She has small boobs.
D: If during a first date you bring up the D, and she doesn't slap you...she is a certified freak (or a tease) and you sir, are a beast. You either have no tact, or just dont give a fu*k and can gage the freak factor in a girl's eyes so well that you're willing to risk getting slapped, a drink thrown in your face and being left to pay the restaurant bill alone.
E: Maybe she's a raver. Some people still pop e (do Ecstasy.) LOL. Actually, if your girl has done e, just assume shes had sex on e and gotten her walls pounded to a thin like filo dough consistency. Ask her when was the last time...give her walls some time to fluff back up and regain their cushiony elasticity.
G: If she say's shes keeping it G, or calls you "my g" she's a straight east coast gangsta.
Nothing wrong with that. I prefer when girls call me son, but that's just me. To her, its the equivalent of the power we men feel when we casually call our girl a bitch to her face and she doesnt trip. Her friends hear her call you "G" or "son" and they're like "Damn, she got it like that? Why am I callin my man daddy?" LOL.
J-K: If she's still using AOL slang, shes probably too young for you, or just right for you and you're a pedophile. Jk. Use of the term "Jk" or just kidding , WHEN TYPED, shows a willingness to push the envelope. We all know how this works...say some semi-inappropriate sexual innuendo and add "jk" or "lol" so you don't seem creepy. She reads and thinks "Ok, this nigga isnt completely crazy, he typed "jk"" but the sexual though has already been slyly slipped into her mind.
L: Wonder if she Smokes much? Check for black lips and empty "game" wrappers in her whip. If she's from a metropolitan area, the L she's referring to, may be the train. Either way, she's no bougie. Carefully watch who she splits, licks and seals the blunt to assess her future fellatio skills.
S....T.D. I really think this is pretty self explanatory. Wrap it up. Regardless.
In the end, this has been more than a brief exercise of wordplay mixed with the experience gained from casual dating. Think of this brief electronic nugget of dating wisdom as an eye opener that yes, there are many different types of girls and no one girl is perfect for everybody. Girls are as numerous and their personalities as extensive as the 25 letter alphabet itself.
Wja3: 25 Letter Alphabet? Is that the Rican alphabet, cause last time I checked there were 26 letters.
Tako: Not in my alphabet!!! And Show's Alphabet is even worse. He's got 24!! Cause he removed C. LMAO.
C4: What are these niggas talking about?
Wja3: The two of them are like Wu-Tang, speaking in pidgin slang that noone else understands.
When dating by the letters, as we stated before, there is as much variety as there are letters in the alphabet, however, one letter should never be used. X. Bringing up your ex during a date is the quintessential yet unintentional kill the moment tactic employed by most men. There's really nothing to gain here. In a best case scenario, you can use your ex to show that a.) You can be adult enough to not hold a grudge with someone, or b.) that you've made mistakes and can move on. How about this though...wouldn't it be better to let the new girl just assume you never made mistakes, kinda like you assume she hasn't sucked any di*k in recent history when you lean in for that goodnight kiss?
Case in point. Nobody wants to hear about your ex unless its to assess her as competition. Even this, however, will be your ultimate date downfall because if you speak highly of her (or she's beautiful) the new girl will call you "stuck on your ex." If shes ugly and or you hate her, the new girl says "Oh, what kind of bi*ches is he fu*kin with?" or "Damn, she hurt you? This ni**a has issues." Moral of the story, X the ex. As far as you are concerned she could be trout fishing in Alaska or stripping in Montreal's Red light district. Quickly change the subject.
Hopefully you've learned something and if not, dont say I didnt try to help ya. I dont know about yall, but that 25 letter alphabet is looking kinda good. Swag.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The decade is that of the 1990's and Nig*as are rockin cyberteck coats, stocking caps and braids. Coolio was poppin, Pac was still alive... we had made it past the colorful jeans era and everybody was rockin baggy hood clothing. Lugz, Sir Benny Miles, Army suits & bandanas were commonplace as were baseball jerseys and starter hats...men looked like men, and even the girls...hell, they started rockin baggy ass hilfiger shirts and doing the Aliyah thing looking like Men too!!!
Everyone except three little kids named Immature who decided it'd be cool to dress like girls, 2 guys named outkast who thought it was ok to wear Kilts, womens wigs and turbans, and Tupac
who decided he'd wear a leather Bra on an album cover. Good thing no one decided to base their identity on that of a celebrity! What a crazy Idea that wouldve seemed....back then. -___-
I focus on Immature partly because they are the worst offenders, but more so because they appealed to the most impressionable demographic...pre-teens and teenagers. Immature had the shawtys goin crazy back in the day, and I cant think of a girl who didnt have an old Word up or Sista 2 Sista Batman poster on her wall. What I can think of, however, is a million niggas who respected their music but wouldn't dare emulate their strange, homosexual sense of style. We knew we weren't jordan, so why stick our tongues out while playing ball.
When everyone rocked clothes 2 sizes too big, Immature rocked clothes that were 10 x too big. They had silky perms, girl cut bobs, dreads, braids, spaghetti rigatoni twists, jheri curls and even a slicked down cut with the alfalfa piece sticking up. Out of control.
"Son, Peep Marques Houston's Bob and comb over. He got the Halle Berry-Cassie. LMAO"