Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What It Means To Be 28...and Show Rocka BUSTIN' HIS ASS!

The very first time I blogged on this site it was about my 26th Birthday and the things I learned that day. A lot has changed/evolved since then. Today I blog about my 28th, what it means to be 28, what I have learned, and what I might NOT have learned.

Birthday Lessons of Ages 21-26 <--LINK


26: Always Have A White Friend

27: It's OK to pass out at your own birthday party if you're at home in your own bed.

28: My go-hard-in-the-muthaf###in-paint days are numbered.

Since I have a penchant for falling asleep after having too much to drink, and fully intending to have too much to drink, I had a Birthday Brunch at my favorite place where brunch comes with endless drank. It began classy enough. About 20 of my closest friends and associates eating brunch, being served good food and good drank, behaving like adults. The bill came and it was settled fairly quickly and without fanfare. At 23 this would have been a catastrophic event. People would be itemizing and all of a sudden forgetting their wallets, and 30 minutes later after all the momentum of fun has been ground to a halt, someone with significantly higher blood pressure than when they came in would have handed the check to the waitress.

After brunch we're down at the bar and A-Nice and Show Rocka are catching up for the first time since they were both skinny (both are now fairly brolic. pause.), until A-Nice challenges Show to a race. "There's a whole block outside right now," he says. Being the man he is, Show readily accepts this challenge, and C4 readies the iPhone camera. Then this happened.



LMAOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Yes, that's me laughing in the background. Show bust his ass so hard that part of a shoulder tat is now missing. No biggie he'll just use that as an excuse to get another one. The bartender came outside and told us to come back in, and shortly afterwards my entire party was refused the sale of alcohol so we went to the bar next door. Coincidence? I think not.
When I was 23, if the bartender said no more drinks for me or any of my friends, I might cuss him out, piss on the floor, get into a fight, maybe get arrested. This year, wiser and fully aware of the alcohol and delicious buffalo wings available next door I just said, "We out!!!" A few hours later only the true weekend warriors were still with me, and I was fading. At this point I declared that me and Jazzy Jen were taking a cab back to the crib, proceeded the daps and hugs, and dipped to my local bodega for sandwiches and a six pack. When I was 23...or 27 and 11 months, I might have tried to thug it out, keep partying, pass out and have to be escorted home somehow to be filled in on the ugly details later.

This whole thing in a nutshell is what I feel it means to be 28.

28 means I'm old enough to have a birthday brunch, but that brunch will turn into a party in which no less than four attendees have horror stories about trying to get home.

28 means niggas can afford cashmere sweaters, but they're drunk enough to race down the street in them in broad daylight.

28 means partying like you're 21 results in feeling like you're 35.

Real talk, I don't recover like I used to. Yeah I can go hard in the paint....once. Gone are the days of staying out til 7am, going to work at 9am then staying out again until 4am. Show me a 28 year old still pulling that off, I'll show you someone with a coke habit.

Last night in the Lakers-Hornets playoff game, Kobe Bryant posterized Emeka Okafor. Afterwards, Kobe was quoted as saying, "It looked like he was going to challenge me at the rim, and I decided to accept the challenge. ... It's a message for us that this was important. It's time to raise up and do what we've got to do. They're not saved dunks. I don't have much of those left."

That's how I feel about getting older and partying. I can still do it, but the cost to feel like a boss is much higher on the body. So with 28 year old knowledge that my hangovers are worse, I make sure that I take care of them better. Why? Cuz I don't wanna die early, or develop some shit I gotta take meds for. I understand that I need to take care of myself, so that at 33 I can still dunk on Emeka Okafor like Kobe (metaphorically speaking). And like Kobe, I'll only be able to pull it out of the reserves if I don't use them up now trying to be Blake Griffin.



-C4 2 Ya Door

To be continued...the mystery of what happened to Show and LeFleur after leaving the party.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Problem with black men...and Women







Haven't blogged in a few days, mostly because I'm nursing a 4 day hangover post C4's 28th bday celebration. For those of you who aren't my FB friends I'll tell you yes the rumors are true that a drunken foot-race ensued down 79th St, someone nearly cracked their skull open and C4 managed to get it all on film. He will take the liberty of embarrassing me tomorrow.



And now...onto more pressing matters.




Black men...Pause.




The problem with Black men is simple. We love white women. the end.



Kidding.



The problem with black and Latino men is a culture of braggadocio and Machismo which leads to us always trying to out-do, one-up or out stunt each other. How do we do this? Money, material items and the baddest available bitches. In 2011 it has even gotten so out of hand that having money and hoes isnt enough, as those truly "hood rich" homies choose to combine these two for a synergistic effect seeing who can buy the most hoes (trickin) or bestow upon them the most miscellaneous single dollar bills (makin it rain.)


That's our problem.



Gucci, Louie Vuitton and Prada dont give a fuck about us, nor do the white people who think we are bastardizing their brand. Can you blame them though? I don't think a white person would do this, nor would Mr. Vuitton endorse it.








The problem then, when broken down into its basest element is nothing more than a failure to prioritize. We are spending beyond our means in order to impress others doing the same. It we all decided to do away with this crab in a bucket mentality, or all just keep it 100 about our bank accounts, we'd be able to save for mortgages instead of buying bottles. BLACK MEN: STOP LISTENING TO RAPPERS.







Black women...your problem is a little different.






Black women, rather than judge themselves based on how fine their man is, tend to rely on more concrete measures. Whereas a man blowing dough on miscellaneous hoes classifies him as a "baller", a woman doing the same would be classified by her friends as a "damn fool." It is somehow more acceptable to bankroll a man in jail...I never understood that one, but that's a different blog for a different day.




Women, like their penis packing counterparts (pause) tend to gauge their successes based on their material possessions as compared with their peers. The only difference is, black women have always been more thrifty and over the top than their male counterparts leading them dangerously into the realm of fake coach bags and gucci foolery. Businesswomen: Fake Coach Bags. Hoodrats: Fake gucci. WOMEN, LISTEN TO CAM'RON: "Get rid of that coach bag...cause you aint got no swag."













Hmmmmmm. So rather than spending beyond their means, black women are attempting to "stunt" by creating a false sense of superiority over a woman, who for instance, may have spent the same amount of money on a Nine West or Guess handbag. This phenomenon, in its basest element, then becomes a reflection of overcompensation for diminished feelings of self worth attached to material items.






Niggas want to fit in and feel important by following the norm set by celebrities and drug dealers with money. Chicks want to feel better about themselves by making other chicks feel worse. This makes perfect sense given the tendency of women to be harsher judges of physical appearance, which, in a world filled with glass ceilings and sexual discrimination, FORCES them to worry about appearance.






Either way, it seems like the idea of "stuntin" is indirectly a product of the "powers that be" but eventually becomes another problem for black men and black women. Don't shoot me as the messenger, I just diagnosed the problem and articulated it.






You now have 2 choices....





1.) Take my message and use it for good, deciding to rebel against materialistic mentality and living check to check.






2.) Or say sheeeeiiiit, I knew it was the white man's fault for instituting racist rhetoric in the media, why should I let him dictate how I have fun.






I don't know bout yall, but I'm going to pop a bottle. Jk.








-Bros

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Animal Crackers



Ok, So a particular image comes to mind when we say the words "Animal crackers", no? I mean, we all know exactly what an animal cracker is, right? Right.


Funny thing is, it's kind of misleading...I mean, imagine if you weren't from the western world and had to interpret the phrase "Animal Crackers." They aren't made from Animals, nor are they fucking crackers. They're small baked cookies which doubled as Xmas ornaments and that became popular during the early 1900's in England as PT Barnum's Circus served as a catalyst for entrepreneurs who developed the idea of making the cookies in animal shapes.


Tako: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THIS?

C4: Wierdo.


I say all that to say this.


Even though we all know what an animal cracker is, we call it something else...we call it something which is vaguely discriptory at best, simply because its the term that is familiar to other people.




Tako: I suppose we should then, following your logic, call a garage a car hole and a plate, a food holder? Lol.



No. What I am trying to bring to light is the fact that people often fool themselves into believing things simply because they constantly hear them and they are generally recognizable. Us saying animal cracker doesn't make it any less of a cookie.

Peep game.



"Oh, I know that all black people aren't lazy, but that's what people understand, sooooo, if I say, 'Lazy as a black person' it'll get my point across. "


That's how stereotypes are reinforced and retained.





"She is the mother of my child so I'll just call her my baby's mother...everybody can relate to that."



Terms like Wife, girlfriend or even one night stand would be more applicable as it does not do the damage from separating the intimate relationship from the end product. Because loving (or unloving) relationships are now so detached from the idea of having babies, Kids now think its cool to have a baby mama or 2, ON PURPOSE, regardless of how they feel about the girl or woman. Basically, we've been calling cookies crackers for so long that they're starting to put cheese on them, only to realize they're left with a funny taste in their mouth. No homo.




Here's my favorite instance of the animal "cracker" theory.



Girl (with bags under eyes from lack of sleep): How are things with your hubby?

Girl 2: They're normal. We been fighting lately but what else is new. He's been sleeping on the couch, mad cause I called up and spazzed on some chickenhead hoe callin his phone.





Girl 1: I hear that. Things are normal on my end too. Both my baby daddies are picking up their kids so we can Finlay have some girl time this weekend.

Show: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yeah. Catch my drift?



Since when did fighting, arguing, no sleeping together and having multiple baby daddies become normal? Oh that's right, it became normal when we started calling it "normal" so much that people started believing it. Maybe if when asked that question you answered with the truth each time, you would look in the mirror and say "well damn...did i just answer the question of 'how are things with my bf' by saying 'it's fuckin awful. We hate each other, have mediocre sex and would rather be elsewhere except that we share a lease."




Yea. Try saying that once a week to co-workers and friends and see how quick you change your situation and start calling cookies cookies.

Girl #1: What you doing girl?

Girl #2: Eating some Sugar coated Animal shaped cookies made from shortbread and cheap flour. And loving it.

Girl #2: I see...you're learning. :)


Tako: You know you could've just said "call a spade a spade" and we would've understood your point slime.



-Bros

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Propoganda: Thick Latina Girls, Deebo, Hitler & Diddy



"Hide your wives, hide your kids....(Antione Dodson Voice.)" No homo


"By the skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise." --World leader


One of the important things about propoganda is that it can make even the most intelligent person forget that whatever it is they are seeing defies both logic, common sense or emperical proof. Take me for example. I take everything I read from Mediatakeout.com with a grain of salt, yet i continually read it and oftentimes forget that it's really just paparazzi propoganda. Last week, for instance, I saw the site say 50 cent has a new playboy model girlfriend. I'm thinking, "damn, that's a good look, shes fine." Then , the same day on Twitter, 50 Cent basically says "I dont know that bitch, i just took a pic with her." Propoganda...and the end result? Mediatakeout is the most popular and visited Urban website in the world.


Now. Let's bring this itherenon (idea + Theory +phenomenon --Coined by showrock) into real life terms. Niggas can't distinguish between thick and fat anymore because big tittied and fat assed women have effectively used propganda to their advantage thereby tricking us into believing it is the norm for fat asses and titties to come with the cooresponding gut. Raises Huey P. Newton Fist. Congratulations, you girls are winning, because no sane man who doenst like it in the poop chute is gonna turn down this...


Hallelejuah sweet baby Jesus.


I know I wouldnt.


Also, Girls who fuck Aspiring Talent agents, Musicians and the like.... you have also been fooled by propoganda. You are not, I repeat, not a legitimate CEO of a record label if you are unsigned and have no mechanism for distribution, shows, etc. If you have a dayjob working as a rent-a-cop, you AREN'T A RECORD LABEL CEO. 'Career at a Standstill, how you gonna start a movement" (Joe Budden Voice.) You can , however, make people believe you with a whole lot of swag, a nice website and some cheap business cards. Propoganda my friends.

Now...why do I bring up the power of propoganda today? Well, for two reasons.


1.) Lil B is naming his album "I'm gay." A questionable move seing as how his sexuality has already been questioned and he does in fact look like a homo. Saying "If Kanye don't give me a beat, I'ma fuck him in the ass" is beyond questionable, tho he says it was a joke. "Well name one person in the Hood that play like that" (Craig from Friday voice.)




Nevertheless, Lil B has one of the biggest internet movements/ followings since Soljaboy (the grandfather of that internet rappin shit.) Lil B's followers are KNOWN to say "He can fuck my girl anyday. Swag." and mean that shit. Wow. Propoganda. Powerful. Ladies, can you imagine your boyfriend saying that shit with a straight face? If so, you and your man are both groupies. Swag.





2.) Today is the birthday of one of the world's greatest leaders/ biggest assholes ever. I can relate because despite my being an asshole, I'm the leader of this blog and I too, use the purvasive power of prose to disseminate my oftentimes crude and off the wall theories or messages. That being said, happy birthday Adolf Hitler. Yep. Hitler nigga. He's the "World Leader" quoted in the blog's 1st sentence. Yall were fuckin with me until I bigged up Hitler huh? Lemme finish tho slime...





By the time he died at age 56, Hitler had accomplished more than most people ever will, despite the fact that he off'd himself like a lil bitch. In a way that his white power contemporaries could NEVER emmulate, Hitler, for lack of a better phrase, "had the whole country going HAM." I'm talking EXTERMINATING an entire population of people simply by virtue of his words, propganda and faithfull following.


Hitler led with the charisma of Obama, and the swag of diddy. I am by no means glorifying his Holocaust nor making light of it, but I am saying that his power as a leader CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be ignored. Would genocie in parts of the world like Kosovo or Darfur have been prevented had we not learned the power of propganda and made the mistake of not believing P-hitler when he "told us that [he] wont stop?" Fuck no.




The crazy part about all this, is that Hitler never even denied his method, motives or use of propganda. He told us he was gonna take our gold chain, then took it...then made us believe it was "like both of our chain." He basically pulled a deebo. Yea, when he was alive we was quiet....but now he dead....we be talkin again. LOL.





Hitler was a smart mofo. He knew that playing on peoples emotions was more powerful than relying on the power of reason. Old boy Adolf was even quoted as saying "I use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few." He knew exactly what the fuck he was doing. Was he aware that some of his teachings may have been wrong? Of course. But in the grand scheme of things, he knew that in order to further his means he had to make people BELIVEVE. He was on that yes we can shit way before Baracka Flocka.


"As soon as by one's own propaganda even a glimpse of right on the other side is admitted, the cause for doubting one's own right is laid." --Hitler


Never let em see the flaws of your logic and never let em see you sweat.


"Great liars are also great magicians." --Hitler

The mutherfucka worked dopeboy magic on the masses.


We say that to say this. Never forget that be it a rap song, news report, or poweful oration or speech...words are powerful. You may doubt the methods and motives of those chosen to lead, but in the end only one thing matters. In a world where words are weapons and propganda is ammo, The best leaders have the streetsweepers cocked ready to let em go (Nelly voice.)


-Bros

Monday, April 18, 2011

Advice Column: How to ruin His other relationship





Here we gooooooooooooooo (Slick rick voice).




Now I get a lot of shit from women about this blog being mysoginistic and catering towards the male demographic. It's been said that when we do mention females it's to make fun of the small tittied or not so pleasantly plump ones, and praise the promiscuious population of big bosomed beauties.





I'm not gonna deny, affirm nor defend those opinions because hey, they're opinions. This is America not some slum dog, shoeless 3rd world wasteland like India or New Jersey. LOL. I kid, I kid.

What I will do, is offer my expert male services (no homo) to a significant population of women, free of charge. I am going to help you secretly ruin your secret boyfriend's other relationship. Yep, sorry fellas, I'm giving away all the secrets. Why? Because all the shit this is going to start is more entertaining than a man with two wives I dont give a shit about.




Whether or not you are your man's "second girlfriend' (Since noone wants to believe you are a jumpoff), you can use these methods to blow up his spot. If you're girlfriend #1, or his "only gf" he should have nothing to hide, so this wont cause any problem.

The Problem: He won't commit, or bestow "girlfriend privledges" to you because he has another. You may try to inch your way closer to wifey status by leaving clothes, a toothbrush, etc. Men are smart. We know what you're doing. We will allow you to do so, then hide them under sthe sink until the next time you come over. 1 point for the fellas.

The solution: Catch him off guard. In the bed, on the side of the bed, in the bathroom...these are places where we expect things to fall, and or be left. We will shake out the sheets and comforters to make sure no miscellanious earrings, hairclips or thongs exist. Now, the big 5. Follow these rules.





5. Always wear perfume...particularly a strong one which he didn't buy you. He probably bought both his girl's the same kind. His girl probably will notice if the sheets are changed (if they usually aren't.) At the very least, this will make him wash the sheets on a daily basis to prevent the wifey from catching on, and you can be sure you're not sleeping in another gal's juices.




4. When you rip his clothes off, throw his boxers on the side of the bed. Men will check for your stuff but not really pay attention to our own crap. Girlfriends know that Boxers on the side of the bed (especially when still attached to the inside of Pajama pants) = fucking. No guy takes off his boxers in bed just to sleep bucket nekkked.






3. Tampon wrappers.

If you're on the rag, you are probably giving great head. If you're giving great head he is distracted. While a man will never miss an unflushed condom, we don't really check bathroom trash that much (if its not overflowing.) To a woman though, a tampon wrapper will stick out like a sore thumb. Leave one there and say whoops. Sorry fellas, your spot has been blown.




2. Wash cloths. Always volunteer to throw the "just wiped my coochie rag" in the laundry for him, making it seem like you're a good #2 who knows her role. This will make him forget that the rag he used to wipe his junk is still hanging in the bathroom. While more than 1 washcloth isn't a dead giveaway that he's creeping, a girlfriend (who is fucking him raw...well, cause shes wifey) will smell latex a mile away. Unless he's a dentist wearing latex gloves at home, he's busted!!


1. This is a new one, but it's great. Say your phone battery has died and plug your iphone in the computer rather than the wall. If you don't sync, you're information will come up and remain there even if u unplug the phone. It'll say like "Rebecca's iphone." This happened to me once. I gaurantee he will have NO WAY of explaining that. Instant break-up.



Wja3: Especially if his side chick is named "Robert." Ewwwwwwww.

Tako: Wowwwwwwwwww You are such a snitch Show.

C4: Or a genius for actually giving us the sly tips to look out for.

Wja3: I picked up on that too, but now you C4 are the snitch for making women aware of the ploy.

C4: Whoops. It's tako's fault. You can't throw out the term "Snitch" all will-nilly.


In the end these tips will help you ruin a perfectly unhealthy relationship anyway...because if it was healthy, he wouldnt be cheating. What these tips will not do, however, is gaurentee he will a.) not fuck you up and b.) decide to come to you since his other girl left him. I say hey, fuck it though...it's worth a try.

Onward ladies! You've got work to do.


-Bros

Friday, April 15, 2011

White America made me like hood chicks




"Yes, I'll take her...Dark meat only though, and with a splash of Soul seasoning and a side order of hood. Oh? You don't serve that here? You suggest I check your harlem restaurant? SMH. "


Hang around weed heads all day and though you won't necessarily start smoking weed, you will undoubtedly be introduced to other weed heads. This is fact. Hang around hood niggas and you will, by default, be introduced to a variety of colorful hood niggas and females. This is cool...if that's what you're into. Me myself, I don't think I'm really into hood bitches, though I love hangin with hood niggas because...well, that's how we grew up.


The lack of bitch-ass-ness in hood niggas hearts usually allows for one to say what the fuck he feels without fear of someone crying, snitching or judging and facilitates free movement within the keep it 100 spectrum. This being said, I should like hood bitches for the same reason, right? wrong.


Here's the reason. A nigga can be wiz Khalifa tatted up and chicks will think its sexy, yet I highly doubt most chicks could get away with that Kat Von D tattoo shit. Sure, its a double standard, but that doesnt make it any less true. I've only seen 1 girl with a sexy face tattoo. This was in vegas, with Dezo as my witness. Her not knowing what facebook was (in 2010), however, was a dead "hood" giveaway. Not my type, but I still would smash in retrospect.





Dezo: the giveaway should've been that she was smoking a black and mild when u met her.

Show: fuck up.



Why am I bringing this up, might you ask? To prove a point. Hanging around hood bitches really only makes me realize that maybe they aren't my thing, in the same way that going to a Jamaican club makes me realize that I'd rather listen to regular hip hop. The problem is...i love the way Hood chicks look...(this does not mean I'm endorsing wearing headwraps in public, fake gucci or purple weaves...I'm talking about the person.)





Because of the fact that white America demands "corporate," "professional" or "successful" people to dress a certain way, women tend to conform to certain molds. Hair becomes shorter, skin becomes paler via foundation and makeup, and puertorican girls stop having the sexy blonde or dark Burgundy hair.




The cheek piercings come out, and the attitude is curtailed.




Wja3: And those Nike Eyebrows! LMAO


Tako: Perhaps you just aren't meant for a professional or secretary type chick. You do realize that even you wouldn't take a nurse seriously if she had an eyebrow ring or neck tattoo.


Show: I'm aware of that...but damn. White America has really screwed us on this one...


Tako: You sound like a Farrakhan with this the white man is keeping me down shit...

C4: If Show's gonna go at it with Tako, there's usually a good point to be made...or straight up ignorance.


Show: lemme break it down...just like Chris Brown, I'll break the bitch down..(French Montana voice).


White America gives minority women two choices in corporate America. Be a sexpot, or be a lighter-skinned version of yourself attempting to pass as white. Adapt the mannerisms, and this goes beyond professionalism,and the typical ignorant idea of "talking white." I'm talking about, assimilation to the point of denouncing your culture. Don't tell them you celebrate Kwanzaa, dont take offense to racist entendre, don't make rap references, eat what they eat, etc. Be a good house nigga.





Choose to go the other route and sell your image via embracing the hypersexualized notion of minority woman being sexual property, yet, now having "white features!" This puts most "thick women" out of the running, unless your junk in the trunk comes with a J-lo sized waist and is not intimidating to whites. Be a nice secretary Ms. Jackie-Robinson.


LoL.


Maybe because I'm a so called intellectual and read into things, I dont find this attractive. Maybe its because i associate it with selling your soul. Sure I may be an Ivy educated scholar, holder of a double masters, and yada yada. On paper it'd look great for me to be with a lawyer or doctor, but in reality I hate the stupid "corporate bun", skirt-suit, skin lightening make-up and bullshit articulateness which is really a farse. Fuck Michelle O'bama, I want keisha cole. I don't want a Rican from "la isla" I want a Newyourican. Fuck a weekend weppaaaaaaa, i want that shit all week.


I guess it just took white people making the distinction so painfully obvious for me to notice this.


For that, I guess I owe them thanks. At this point it has nothing to do with personality, class, drive or ambition cause in actuality i HATE HOW HOOD BITCHES ACT.


Hopefully, I can change that though...

Cause I love how yall look...

-S

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dear Ashley Judd...Fuck you.


Show: Here's a news article I read the other day peppered with my commentary as I re-read it. This is something new. I'm not gonna Jazz it up or craft some clever theory. You are getting my thoughts as they happen. This should be fun.


(AllHipHop News) Actress/abuse victim Ashley Judd had harsh words for Hip-Hop music and its "rape culture" that has been created by lyrics that demean and degrade women.

RadarOnline.com posted snippets of Ashley Judd's upcoming memoir All That Is Bitter and Sweet. Ashley Judd name checked Snoop Dogg and P. Diddy in the memoir for helping fuel the misogyny in Hip-Hop music, before she trashed most of the entire genre of the music.

Show: Really. P-shiny suit-diddy and Snoop Dogg? Thats the best you could do? No Too short? Wait, shit, sounds like I'm snitchin now. I'm sayin though. This is obviously someone who doesn't listen to rap. Snoop hasnt really been Misogynistic since the Bitches aint shit days...like 15 years ago...now He's just a Wiz Khalifa Weed Head.

"As far as I'm concerned, most rap and hip-hop music -- with it's rape culture and insanely abusive lyrics and depictions of girls and women as 'ho's' -- is the contemporary soundtrack of misogyny."

Show: Rape Culture? Wow. I mean to say that watching and listening to Gucci Mane rapes the intellectual capabilities of budding minds then fine. I'll even accept that record labels are raping the pockets of the impoverished African American communities buying records, but this...?! Come on hun. You're reaching. I've never heard a Rapper promote rape...not even of golddiggin groupies. Rap is actually the Anti-rape culture. The entire "Money over Bitches" motto is built upon easily replacing any bitch who wont fuck or gives you lip, with another, more eager replacement. Silly judd.

Ashley Judd revealed in her new book that she was sexually abused as a child.

Show: Ahhhhhhhhh. I see. Maybe her daddy raped her to Tupac's "how do you want it." Hopefully it was that song and not Tupac's "Dear Mama" while her mommy sat and watched.

And days after Ashley's stunning revelation, her mother, country legend Naomi Judd, revealed she was also an abuse victim. In her memoir, Ashley Judd also has harsh words for her mother and her own sister, Wynonna Judd. "She and my sister [Wynonna] have been quoted as saying that our family put the 'fun' in dysfunction. I wondered: 'Who, exactly, was having all the fun? What was I missing?'"


Show: Seriously. Where was the fun....sounds to me like an isolated, dark place where no one was around to hear the empty destitute cries of a young girl pillaged of her youth, battered both physically and mentally and stripped of her soul. Fun? No. This sounds like a miscarriage of family values in which the byproduct was a little girl who is now dead inside. Raped by 1 man who was supposed to protect her. That's right...1 man. How could that be fun?


I'll tell you how. It can't.


Cause it aint no fun if the homies cant have none.


Insensitive, no?


Guess I learned that from Rap culture...Cause you can't spell Rape without RAP.


I know that may have been over the line, but so is making generalizations about things you know nothing about. Sorry that your white father, or whoever decided to play hide and seek in your vagina, but dont blame an entire culture of African American Hip Hop Artists who've struggled to overcome poverty and becoming a statistic. Also, I highly doubt your alabaster rapist was listening to anything other than Lynard Skinard.


Guess it's just easy to blame "niggas" though.


Fuck Ashley Judd. I dont even know what movies you've been in.

That is all.


-Bros

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

You named your baby what!!!???

Show: In terms of racism, on a scale of one to Jenna6, today's post is rated a solid 5 nooses. Take it away Tako...





Black people, white people, Peppericans and Asians all choose to name their children based on different cultural traditions, rules and parameters. While Asians tend to make up gibberish that we don't understand like Zen Xioa Chang General Tsou, and various other things they've obviously emulated from a Bruce Lee Sound byte, White people (non-hippies at least) tend to go with the "what would be a good name in the tradition of those already withstanding in my family" method of child naming.


"White Family Portrait"





"Black Family Portrait." I'm kidding. They are just coons.


Latinos go with the names of patron saints and diosas as if these mexican Gods will protecting them and stop the catholic Gods from fucking them up as they fornicate before marriage, all the while praising el hijo, el padre y el espiritu santo in THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.


Smh.


Black people, on the other hand, tend to fall into the trap of picking names based on "oooooh appeal." Oooooh appeal usually applies to wanting representatives from the general public to hear the name and say "oooooh that's clever", "oooooh that's unique", "or oooooh what a nice name." Problem is, oooooh often turns into ohhhhhhh....as in ohhhh my Gawdddddd these coon fuckers have bastardized yet another potientially good name, or "oh lord that name is paris hilton dumb."


Now.... Before you think I'm racist, I want to say that this post isnt even about the regular made up names where black folk add L's, D's and apostrophe's (D'michael, L'michael) to regular shit. This is about the names so dumb you cant ignore them. That being said, White folks make up names too, like Tuladoesthehulafromhawaii. <<------Click the link bitch. Remember that? Where the judge ruled to change the parent's dumb ass name because it embarassed the child? Unfortunately, for those making the equity case, however, the proverbial white "THEY," do it much less frequently than US.


Now... My ex-gf worked with 2 twin brothers who both had the first name "babydoll" with middle names like "james" and "eric" , so they were called "babydoll james" or "babydoll eric." Dumb.


Worst, or funniest...I'm sorry, most unique, however, was a girl who happened to be bff's with a co-worker of mine. Her name was Le--a.

Show: Pronounced Leiah? why the unnecessary dash?

Tako: Nah nigga. Pronounced "Le-dash-a."

Show: Oh my fuck.


Worse still, today marks the beginning of a new era. I have found one even worse thanks to the ol' boy Scoochie man lefleur. This was not photoshopped and is someones ACTUAL NAME. I don't speak ill of the dead (it's an obituary), so I'll let yall do it in the comments section. LOL.





#Dead.

-Taka Flocka Flame, one hood ass nigga.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bad "Girls" Club




Despite men of different ethnicities, backgrounds and personalities typically having varying tastes in women, a few things are undeniably irrefutable. Beyonce is a bad bitch.







Eva Longoria is a bad bitch.



Lucy Lu is a Bad Bitch.


Pardon my frequent usage of the word bitch...just kidding. What do the aforementioned 3 women have in common? Is it their features? no. Body type? no. Skin complexion? No.





What unites the following three hoes under the united spectrum of bad bitches is that they are famous and on TV. More specifically, what this means is that in order to qualify for the Bad bitch Olympic team, all they have to do is one thing...be extremely pretty and moderately fit. That's it.






The problem with this that average, run of the mill chickenheads seeking to emulate this bad bitch mentality, thinking that by being pretty and confident they too will become bad bitches. WRONG. As these women are all inaccessible...the stuff playboy posters and sticky adolescent socks are made of, they do not and will not have interaction with the general public. They simply have to look good for the camera. You, on the other hand, have to exist in REAL LIFE, where it takes much more to be a bad bitch. See below.


Do you floss? If not, you're a mediocre bitch at best.





You are not bad. Can't be bad with bad breath. Do we care if Halle Berry Flosses? Nope. We don't have to smell her breath.



Do you have children? Not that theres anything wrong with havin your vagina stretched wide enough to fit an infant, but in all honesty, having a baby makes it much harder, though not impossible, to be a bad bitch. All that baby weight had to go somewhere, and even if that somewhere is your tits and ass, I'm sure the remnants of said baby fat or stomach tigerblood stretchmarks are somewhere.





Better do some crunches. Also, nothing sexy about smelling like similac, or canceling dates due to lack of a babysitter. Also, if your kids are bad, dirty or stupid, people tend to think the same about you. Do you attend the gym? This is a big one. Not to say you can't be a very pretty fat girl, but part of being "bad" entails being healthy and looking fit. Fat people who are in better shape than skinny girls, you lose by default. Sorry, I know its not fair, but as consolation I should say an out of shape looking skinny girl (flabby or pot-belly-ish) looks MUCH WORSE.




"Sorry Ke$ha. You Fail horribly."


That being said, girls without perfect bodies can be "pretty", "beautiful" or "sexy" but ya just cant be classified as bad. Sorry, my world , my rules.



Do you have your own house or at the least apartment? There's plenty wrong with living at home once you're grown. Sure it may be a smart and financially savvy decision in the long run, but it still prohibits you from being a bad bitch. Sheeeeiiit...what? you got a curfew? Cant have visitors sit on the plastic couch?




Fuck outa here. Are you a student? Can't be bad. Unless you, of course, also have a full time job. Fact of the matter is...If you aspire to be a bad bitch and have no money, you are just a prostitute waiting to be pimped, a stripper waiting to be managed or a ho in practice. Sorry. While the "girl on TV" is judged as a bad bitch simply by her aesthetic, airbrushed and photoshopped beauty, girls in the real world are judged by more practical standards despite the fact that they may not know it. Having a freak-em dress and "red-bottoms" on may work for Halle Berry, but Halle wont be asking us for rent money if something happens with this weeks check because she has no savings.


While it does seem that even the standards by which we real-world men judge are still materialistic and a bit shallow, I dont deny this. Many will say, what about the girl with the stretch marks who is going to nursing school, has a child, gives you good conversation and basically has her life on track? What about the pretty faced girl with the not so picturesque body? what about the girl with the 401k, dental plan and the like?


These are the things marriages are made of... These are the girls we may ultimately settle down with...These are the girls that...


this post doesnt give a fuck about, because we're talking about bad bitches...and not good women. :)


Transitioning from boyhood to manhood will be the moment when you discover that life is more than attaining the baddest of the bad bitches. Have a bad bitch at age 18 and you are winning. Have a good woman and 18 and you'll probably fuck her over. Have a bad bitch at 30 and she'll probably fuck you over. Have a good woman at 30 and you re winning...duh.


Have a women who is both on in the same and you, my friend...are bi-winning.

I plan on it.

-Show