Thursday, March 31, 2011
For all those things I could apologize on behalf of mankind, but instead I'll just do what's expected of me and say "fuck it...you'll live."
There is one thing, however, for which I owe you....actually, WE owe you all an apology.
Tako: Whaaaaaaat? This is not a blog for apologies sir.
C4: Shut up. Hear him out. I am putting all my machismo aside and....
Well actually, I'm only apologizing because I think only a man would be smart enough to recognize this "subtle and rude gesture" and point it out to females who can then tell me how clever I am.
Wja3: WHAT A DICK!!!
Tako: Out with it! What are we apologizing for?
Today, we NHB's are apologizing to all the women in the world for being hypocrites...
(Entire female population grins & opens eyes in shock)
About one thing only...
(Female population's smiles fade and transition to black girl neck roll with Puertorican girl teeth suck)
For as much as we men complain about your body image and or anatomical flaws, we do little to help. As a matter of fact, we often go beyond "doing nothing" and actually exacerbate the problem. Sure we may go to the gym everyday, help you pick out meals and offer you exercise advice, but at the end of the night, we say one thing and do another. We tell you don't consume empty calories....don't eat after midnight...and don't overindulge on sweets. Next thing you know we get BJ's and cum in your mouth (a combination of the aforementioned big 3 "Dont's") expecting you to swallow. Not only that, we do it right before bed...then fall asleep. (Entire male population frowns and gets ready to fuck Showrock up) Tako: Calm down, calm down...If I know my boy he's probably got an explai... But fear not ladies. I'm apologize for the hypocritical nature of the act only and not the act itself. The truth of the matter is, Sperm will not make you fat. The big macs, twins, pop soda and Moscotto has already done that. Sperm, which only makes up a small portion of semen anyway, only has about 5-7 calories per ejaculation...I've actually done research (no bullshit.) The other 90 + % of semen is made of Fructose sugar, Water, Vitamin C , Zinc, enzymes and proteins. Healthy shit. Will swallowing enrich your already unhealthy diet? No. Even if you swallow as much as Superhead or the Kardasians. It won't, however, hurt your diet and in the end, I swear to GOD I will help you do one thing.... Get more dates. Over and Out. -Show
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tako: Word. Fu*k the Peporoni.And if that wasn’t enough to tell you what sort of a person Soto boasts of being, she also admits to aborting his baby, and never telling him. “I didn’t even tell Ray – there was no reason to know. I definitely wasn’t having a baby.” SMH! What a lovely woman. Not only did she carry on an affair with a married man, but she stole from him, expected him to pay her bills and aborted his child without telling him. And now she is trying to make more money off her association with him, even after his death, by selling private secrets. Classy.
I love this woman's commentary, as it is so spot on. Do i feel sorry for Ray? Fuck no, that blind nigga got more pussy than I ever will! Plus, our momma's warned us about women like this. The lesson to be learned, keeping that in mind, is always listen to your mama. She probably told you not to deal with your current baby's mama huh? Bet you wish you listened. LOL. Just had to drop some pop culture on you. It's been a minute. Call this my post vacation transition back to blogging.
I am curious as to what the female viewership will say about this though. Is the woman wrong for robbing Ray? Actually I know what yall are going to say...she was just "getting hers" from a womanizing married man...making the best of the situation....not getting the short end of the walking "stick". Lol. You believe that don't you? Well then you're a ho too.
Defend that .
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I do, however, have to lay down (pause) a bit of demographic information to solidify the merits of my argument. Approximately 1-5% of the United states is exclusively homosexual. While it can be claimed that the number is much higher because the stigma of being gay may cause a phenomenon of under reporting, I am choosing to ignore that. Let's settle on the fact that 5% of the US are homos.
That being said, 5% of crimes committed in the U.S are not the fault of women.
C4: No matter what this half-baked theory is...it's a Stretch
Tako: Did your girl tell you to say that? Or are you a 5 %er...no Muslim. LOL.
Wja3: Oh lawd.
The only outlier may a DUI caught while leaving a football or basketball game...but fuck it, why not blame the cheerleaders.
Crimes of passion?
"But officer...I had to sell drugs to feed my kids...and buy all these fitteds to impress bitches. "
-Those oh so foolish Bros
Monday, March 21, 2011
I could go through an entire comprehensive list of how to tell if you're a jumpoff and not the wifey, but that'd be silly..(If you want a list, check out Lovable Psycho's notes from that link.) That being said, anyone, no matter how blond her hair is, knows that if you've never slept at a guys house and you've been involved for a year, or if you can only call him during certain hours, that you, babygirl, are the Jump-Smeezy. That's obvious though, so on to the more important theory here.
As the resident voice of all black people (kidding) I am often tasked with explaining cultural phenomenons to the masses. The latest in my series of "keep it 100-isms" is a discourse on the term "Wifey" vs jumpoff aka "You", versus all the side hoes your man or girl is fucking. Lol.
"As for wifey — that’s the thing rap songs are made of and it has [me] looking around for Eminem any time I hear it. I think if [my man] were to call me his 'wifey' I’d be sending him some papers for a 'divorcey.'" --Kristi Gustafson for Times Union.
Now that we know how white people feel, onto my analysis. LOL.
Black and Hispanic men are known to date a woman for years, upwards to 10-15, before actually marrying them.
I don't know if I can call this "not wanting a commitment" as it seems pretty committal to me. The problem is, these men must be "afraid of the lifelong commitment" marriage entails, though they know who they want to be committed to. If they were going to simply cheat all the time, it would be pointless to wait so long, especially when already co-habitating. Most of the married men I know, at least the older ones are extremely committed, partly because your libido goes down when your older, partly because you realize what you have isn't worth a night of passion, and partly because you really love that person. There are exceptions, but they are, of course...exceptions.
Now, here's the kicker. Why does this theory not apply to white men and why are Caucasians more likely to end up having "affairs" (different than casual sex flings)? Because...just because. Jk.
In the black & Hispanic community, unfortunately, it has become perfectly acceptable to have a baby mama or 2, or live with a girlfriend before serious commitment. In the white community....not so much.
Because of this reason, I find that minorities tend to take their time before getting married (other than the phenomenon of puertoricans marrying their baby's father at 15 and being divorced by 18, which is rooted in their history of Catholicism and overall "good intentions.") Their is no stigma which rushes them to the altar, so less incentive to cheat.
Perhaps its because they've been cheating all along and view marriage as the end of that. I'm not married but used to believe in that philosophy. Are you single? My income tax says so. LOL. Even before marriage though, minorities (look at basketball players for example) tend to distinguish between "wifey" (The girl you love and adore, but whom you haven't mustered up the balls to fully commit to yet), and the "jumpoff" (or girl who is a friend with benefits, a mere sexual buddy or old flame who 'knows the rules'.)
What are the rules? No catching feelings, no calling the house, no texting at 3am, no asking questions about the family, no sleeping over, and usually no visits to the house if co-habitating. In response, you show her the same respect. A Jumpoff relationship is the result of two individuals (one or both of whom have a significant other) deciding to engage in casual sex. White people, unaware of these types of things, try their own version but INCLUDE their wives. They are called swingers, and if you aren't built for that...hey, you just aren't built for that. The problem in the 2000's is that jumpoffs are becoming bolder and more brazen. The better a guy you are, the more chances a jumpoff will see your potential and try to get you to leave your wifey, a serious no-no. We all know that a guy who leave his wife for you, will leave you for someone else .
Now...Let me say a bit in regard to my saying that the "culture of acceptable baby mamas" (Sounds like a bad adult film, right?) leads to a philosophy of "why buy the cow right now if you can just have the milk right now for free?" , and a particular blond bombshell of a Blog reader's response being "well... why buy the cow , ever?"
Just because one thinks that he or she wants something, say "milk" for instance, doesn't mean that it trumps the idea of wanting a cow in the long run. Think about it this way, people often rent nice cars and apartments though they intend on buying homes and starting families. Why not rent forever? Why not lease forever? Because eventually tastes mature and people want the joy of ownership. While this doesn't exactly translates to owning your woman, it does translate to a maturing of tastes. There's something lacking in previous interpersonal relationships which you see in this woman, that makes you complete.
Pause. No Homo. Lol.
Maybe, like the decision to own rather than rent, its a financially savvy or convenient situation...it will differ with different people. Now here's the kicker.
Picking a Wifey is a mature decision, even more than the decision to get married. People often get married for convenience or because they are madly in love...both semi-immature reasons. Wifey , however, is a decision made by one of two people, and one of two people only.
1.) The younger teenage kids who want a steady flow of ass, or the man who needs support (be it shelter, food, a hideout from his baby mama or money). I will call this faction the moochers. They saw a problem, and found a solution.
2.) Those mature men who are smart enough to realize that hey, i love this girl enough that I would marry her, but either a.) I'm not ready to make that huge commitment and end up hurting her, or b.) I don't think shes quite ready to be the wife I need her to be, but with time she will get there. Rather than simply marry her to avoid the risk of her leaving, you are making a gamble that she will not leave you before the time is right, simply because you do not want to subject her to the hurt you may cause by cheating or not being the man she needs. This, my friend, is an adult decision.
Now, why does this seem like a black or minority thing? Simply because of your perspective. I know plenty of white people in these same situations, but they tend to be of a lower income bracket and socioeconomic status, i.e they grew up in the same neighborhoods as blacks and Hispanics. Now...why do poorer people tend to have a "wifey" mentality, as opposed to the ideal, picket fence , wife fantasy? I believe its based on minorities tendency (as a whole, based on poverty and remnants of racism) to be exposed to harsher realities and actually see things for what they are. Rather than fool themselves into thinking there is only one right way to do things, they, as they often do, are being creative and resourceful all the while still displaying the natural human tendency for a soul mate or life partner, because...well....it's innate.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
In honor of St Patty's Day, we here at NHB are painting the MF'n Blog Green and who better to help us than the big homie $hamrock aka Yung Irish from Egotrip's "The White rapper show."
You do follow that logic right? Assholes + someone actually Irish and famous = licence to be bigger assholes on St Patrick's day.
Now if you know one thing about the bros you know we keep it 100 and say whatever's on our mind. Since we know $ham is known to reach out to his fans, and keep it as Trill as us, we thought he'd be a perfect fit (pause), for the blog. Plus...its St Patty's day bitch! Showrock and Shamrock. Now he told us no question is off limits, so....Leggo!!!
Wait...first I want to remind you what not to do on St Patty's day, a la Lil Flip's first Album. Pause-able moment of the decade.
He definitely should've added a "no-bosh" right next to the parental advisory sticker.
Now, onto the interview...cause $ham probably gotta hit the studio, do in-stores for his new album or fu*k bitches he can later pass to us. No-Std, no-STD.
Show: Everybody knows you as the White Trapper...So do you fuck more white girls, black girls or Ricans? Be Honest?
$ham: I'm not gonna offend the girls who buy my records. But I will say, all colors of women are beautiful and you left out Asian women and Spanish women in your list.
Show: Did you smash that fine ass white girl on the White rapper show? I know it was a while ago and Ill keep the rest of the questions to new shit... Don't lie, We're friends w/ Persia too!! She'll tell us the deal.
$ham: Nah, me and Misfit kicked it a bunch in ATL gettin tats and workin on music but we never hooked up. She was dating somebody in ATL at the time, she's a cool ass chick though.
Show: Aiiight. Biggie or Pac? Why?
$ham: Biggie was always my favorite. His punchlines and voice always got me crunk. Plus "Juicy" is my favorite hip-hop record ever.
Show: Best strip club in ATL? Im votin for Magic City all day.
$ham: Magic City is def legendary, Onyx is dope, Oasis is dope, but prob Strokers showed me the most love before.
Show: You think Whyte or one of them 3-6 boys can get me a hookup on some lean....? Its a drought out this mutherfucka. Do they even sip that in ATL?
$ham: Oh yea, ATL is up on that dirty sprite to. People saying that's whats making Yung LA act so crazy.
Show: You got an album that just dropped on Tuesday and now you're fuckin with Lil Wyte...Whats it like hangin with them wild ass 3-6 Mafia dudes in Memphis?
$ham: It's a trip man, Mtown is a real ass city and these boys are wild! But at the same time, they are OGs out here so I'm cool because I'm with them.
Show: Baddest R& B or Rap Chick in the game? Since Amber Rose doesn't count, I personally like Kid Sister. No Pedo.
$ham: If Christina Milian is still in the game, hands down.
Show:I got beef with Ludacris cause he was talking shit in Cancun...If that nigga came in here right now, I'd have to snuff him. Would you have my back?
Wja3 & Tako: Hahahahahahhahahahahahaha. That's Luda whoopin your ass Showrock.
Show: Aight, Aight....everybody's always talkin about Trappin. How many grams in an ounce? an 8 Ball? Just testin your knowledge bruh Bruh.
$ham: 28 to an oz, 3 and a half to a ball
Show: I bet we were the only two people in this room that could answer that. (looks at Tako & C4)
Show: So.... Any orgies since this rap shit poppin? If so put me on with some bitches in CT...Ima just be like, "Oh $ham, yea, that's my man...you can meet him afterwards" you dont even gotta be in the same state. Lol.
$ham: Plenty of propositions, I've had my fun, but I don't really get down like that because these broads will give ya something that burns or go through your pockets if you not watching em!
Show: If you could punch one person in the face who would it be?
$ham: I remember when I was little, some dumb motherfucker flicked off my mom when she was driving and I still think about it to this day that I let him get away with it. ever since i was grown, if I wanted to punch someone I would.
Show: What rich nigga looks like he'd be the most fun to hang with?
$ham: Charlie Sheen
Show: You think Paul Wall looks like you now that he got that Gastric Bypass?
$ham: A lot of people keep telling me that. I just want to have my own identity because I have been compared to Paul Wall ever since he really blew up big nationwide back in 2005 and I wasn't even famous then. I bought the People's Champ album and it's still a classic to me. He's a huge success and I wish him the best. I just wish he didn't look like me now!!
Show: I got crucified last week for putting Peoples Champ as the #10 Hiphop Album of all time. I stand by that though.
C4: You ever hang on college campuses and have a crazy ass story?
$ham: I mean, I went to UGA for 4 years and left that school somethin like a legend. Getting arrested, stealin things when you're wasted, rapping at parties, it's just all a part of college life I guess. My craziest story is that I won the first talent show I ever entered and my second time being on stage ever was when I opened for The Roots and Sleepy Brown in 2004.
C4: if theres 1 thing you want a bunch of smart ass, sarcastic blog readers to know about you, what would it be?
$ham:That the internet is not the real world or real streets. If you can't back what you say in real life or in the streets, don't put it in print.
Show: Thats real. Plus you'd wanna say BUY MY NEW ALBUM right? That shit is dope.
C4: You vs. Asher Roth in a rap battle. Who wins? And how would you beat him in a real fight?
$ham: In a rap battle live on the spot no prep, I'll prob give to Asher b/c he can freestyle better. If we are makin diss songs back and forth, it's def 50/50, I would let the people judge.
I met Asher at my gym in ATL and gave him props for everything he was doing, so there is no beef. But he is a lot shorter and skinnier than me and doesn't seem like he fights much so I'ma have to pick me no question if a real fight broke out.
C4: Would you get a shamrock tattooed on your face like Gucci did with that ice cream cone? And if so, what word you put there instead of "burrr"?
$ham: Ha! No I wouldn't get the shamrock tattooed on my face but if I got stupid wasted on St.Patty's Day and got it done, it would prob say "Irish" on it.
C4: What's the craziest shit you ever did on St. Patty's Day, or in the name of Irishness?
$ham: Painted my body green, partied with no shirt, drank green beer til I threw-up green- that's a Irish St.Patty's day.
C4: Would you smash any of ATL's Real Housewives? If so, which one and why?
$ham: Kandi, Kim, and the model housewife are all fine to me. I would wife Kandi though, she's got a great mind, body, and real talent.
Show: Both yall niggas watch that show?!! Shm.
$ham: Who's the nicest ATL rapper right now other than yourself? You really can't respond with Ludacris though.
If we are talkin current I'd have to say prob Tity Boi. If we are talking legendary, Id say either Andre 3000 or Luda.
(Showrocka makes the little kid pouting face. he really needs to get over that Ludacris thing.)