Thursday, December 1, 2011

U did what?! (Rappers are in Danger)

Tako: Damn Fam....You Haven't blogged since last Thursday.

Show: I think It's secretly cause I like looking at the cute little spanish jawn at the top of the "Ho-cery Shopping" post, with her titty popping out. Nevertheless, It's time to get back to business. It's showtime (Swizz voice, only less gay.)

Yesterday, Hiphop news ran the gauntlet of felonious tomfoolery with Boosie taking an 8 year plea deal for smuggling Drugs into jail (while ironically wearing 200 dollar tennis shoes he smuggled into the courtroom to replace his prison issue gear.) Also, the crazy skin bleached Jamaican Vybz Cartel, currently being held for murder was "Rumored" to have overtaken jail guards during a prison riot at gunpoint. MTV UK verifies it, Jamaica Observer/reporter denies....Who knows....the Jamaican media and legal system is shadier than Detroit's favorite white boy. Silly Jamaicans.

All these things being said, none of it really surprises me (Kinda like when T.I, or DMX go back to jail) because it's "typical rapper shit." Drugs, guns, Take a bunch of hoodlums from the hood and give them a few million dollars without any formal education, financial guidance or pr reps and this is what happens. The following crimes, however, were so shocking that even I said "Wowzers, this is some stupid shit...even for rappers." Enjoy my top 5 list of non-rapper crimes committed by rappers. :) (Bitches love smiley faces.)

Chi Ali: 2000.

Remember this guy? The baby faced kid who recorded "The girls look so good, but their brains are not ready" (A song which still rings true to this day) ? Well he got bagged for murder. Now before you say "nigga, that's a rapper crime, let me add this caveat...He killed a relative over 50 bucks and a book of CD's, then was featured as a top fugitive on my favorite show, Americas most wanted. Rappers aint supposed to make America's most wanted. Boosie is about to get the Death Penalty and didnt make America's most wanted!!

Coolio: 1997.

Still think that's too close to an actual "rapper crime"? Fine. How about coolio, who, for starters, refuses to cut those ridiculous braids these days....

This coon coolio gets arrested for stealing shoes....yes, not Jordans or Nike foamposites but actual hardbottoms...Stacy Adams'....Scooby Doo's....and of all places to get arrested? Germany. That speaks for itself. Hitler himself should be flipping the gas switch on this guy and set fire to that geriatric HOMOcaust he's still calling a hairstyle.

Willie D: 2009.

Remember the Geto Boys? My mind's playin tricks on me? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta? Well the member who wasn't the legendary Scarface (Pictured to our left) or the 1 eyed midget (middle) was known as Willie D, the Rapper slash semi-pro boxer. Would've been crazy and NORMAL if he, the non-famous one out the group got arrested for knocking out someone who refused to acknowledge him. It'd make sense and fall into the perfect mold of "silly rapper shit." Alas, its never that simple.

Enter the year 2009. Willie D comes up with an ingenuous plan to profit off the ever popular iphone. He devises a scam where he creates a fake company on Ebay, uploads some stock iphone photos, receives payment and never sends the phones, which he never even had. I know rapper's are know to hustle, but WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS!!! Sentence: 1 Year and 1 Day in prison plus 200,000 in restitution payments. guess its hard out there in the Geto [sic].

Flo-Rida: 2011.

This guy...with that Barog from Street fighter Edge-up producing a hairstyle which only rivals Coolio's....

Well Mr Flo-Rida was arrested for DUI....yeah, I know, that's a drunk whiteboy crime, not a "dude with enough money for a chauffeur" crime. Funny thing is, he was arrested while driving a 1.7 million dollar Whip...a Bugatti....Yeah, this thing (look below).

This nigga's buggin!!! Crash that shit and its you assssssss Mr Fucked up edgeup post man (Pops from Friday voice.)

Gucci: 2011.

Gucci getting locked up, not surprising. Him getting locked up picking a girl up at a mall and offering her 150 to stop at a motel and fu*k him and pushing her out the moving vehicle when she gangsta, apologetically project and outright hilarious. Sorry lady. You couldn't have been too classy if you recognized Gucci mane in a mall anyway. Plus, what did you expect from a man with a giant ice cream cone face tattoo?

Loon: 2011...This Week.

Now I thought nothing could be more ridiculous than when, a few years back, 40 Cal from Dipset and the seemingly inoffensive ex-bad boy recording Artist Loon (who are from the same hood) got into a fight. Apparently 40 Cal was getting a shape-up and Loon walks in the barbershop, starts talking shit, grabs a shovel from the closet and starts swinging like A-rod...smacking him with the shovel while he's still in the chair. LMAO.

Then I see this....Loon gives up rap, converts to Islam and for lack of a less religiously offensive description....starts looking crazy. Now, to make matters worse, his islamic ass was arrested in Brussels earlier this week as he returned from lecturing at a mosque, and is now being charged with heroin trafficking back in the U.S.

I'll ummmmmm.....pray for you. Don't laugh, I'm serious. I hope he didn't do it. He seems happy in the faith.

That being said, I will allow you to continue being speechless as I truly cannot deal with chronicling any more rapper foolery. I cant with these niggas.

Comment more, and I'll write more blogs. Lol.

Live, Love, Life

--The Big Show


Piph said...

oh no... lmao!!

Rock said...

You know yall were thinkin that about Flo-Rida's hairline......And Loon....Man, Freeway please give him some guidance....