Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Beat it, Dre!

The other day I'm watching that Beats by Dre commercial in which Dr. Dre is throwing these water balloons filled with paint at hip-looking young people, and I couldn't help but think to myself: "Man, fuck Dr. Dre!" And I stand by that statement. Fuck Dr. Dre and his headphones that are everywhere. I mean it.

Tako: nigga you hatin' cuz nobody wanna buy products marketed by indie hipster actors.

Eat a dick. And no. Here's my problem. In that moment, watching that overly diesel middle aged man hurl a paint-filled water balloon, staring coldly at his target with those beady eyes below his questionable hairline, I realize the painful irony of that visual: Dr. Dre is punking us, and has been doing so for no less than a decade. He continues to hit us in the face with paint, and we just take it, cuz it's the great Dr. Dre.

First to hit me was that Dre is completely and unapologetically corporate. The man who got famous in the group of the four most dangerous black guys in America while yelling fuck the police, is now the establishment he once railed against. He's in a commercial, slinging headphones at $300 a pop.

And what the hell has he done to deserve my $300? "But C4, he made The Chronic!!" Nigga that was 1992. Magic and Bird were playing on the Dream Team and Bill Clinton was trying to become the president.

Answer this question. When did Dr. Dre last drop an album? 1999, with The Chronic 2001. Think about that. 1999?!?! Last millenium? Kids are in middle school who weren't born then. The World Trade Center still had two towers. So what has Dre done to stay relevant since then?

Create a buzz. Maybe the best prolonged buzz in hip-hop history without actually making music. How's he done it? Well, some fortunate artist signings. He found Eminem, who subsequently found 50 Cent. Those two have sold like every record that wasn't sold by Jay-Z and Kanye since the not so new millennium. Think about this. Every time 50 Cent or anyone from G-Unit gets paid, so does Eminem. Every time Eminem gets paid, so does Dr. Dre. Dude been CAKING! Peep these figures:

Slim Shady LP - 4X Platinum
Marshall Mathers LP - Diamond
The Eminem Show - Diamond
50 Cent - Get Rich or Die Trying - 8X Platinum
Eminem - Encore - 4X Platinum
Game - The Documentary - 2X Platinum
50 Cent - The Massacre - 5X Platinum
50 Cent - Curtis - Platinum
Eminem - Relapse - 2X Platinum
Eminem - Recovery - 3X Platinum

This means Dr. Dre has been a part of about 50X platinum since 2000, without dropping a damn thing. And the whole time, Em and 50 have been shouting him out, keeping his name in the streets. Hell, Game been doing it for free since he got dropped from the label after his first album (dumb ass). Forbes reported that Dr. Dre is the third richest man in hip-hop, behind Diddy and Hov. Over the last two years, he's made $31 million. And he just sold his Beats By Dre company for $191 million. Holy fuck.

Why am I pissed about this? Why am I ranting on and on about a black man making money? Because the reason Dr. Dre can command so much money, and remains in such high demand, is because of a very loyal fan base that has only expanded through legend and through his proteges. These fans, Eminem and 50 Cent included, have been clamoring for Dre to release something for over a decade. He's well aware of this. But he won't, and here's the reason:

Dr. Dre neither respects his fans, nor cares about them enough to give them an album.

But he sure will make money off them. So he pushes super-expensive headphones in our faces to prove we still love him. It's like when a really hot chick knows you want it real bad, she'll go out with you, make you trick off all night, and not give you even a kiss so you don't feel like a total chump. Like, my nigga, the least you can do is give us an album you ungrateful fuck. Like, if he made one song a year, he'd have 12 by now, could release it, and it would go multi-platinum, and almost nobody's doing that anymore. But no, he won't do that, because:

Dr. Dre neither respects his fans, nor cares about them enough to give them an album.

All this time he's been telling us to smoke Chronic and yell Fuck Da Police, knowing full and well that if you follow his advice, the police end up fucking YOU. Either like this:

Or like this:

So basically, fuck Dre and his $300 headphones that mostly brand whores buy, because really, a lot of them aren't just that into music that they looooove to hear good headphones like that. But the sad part is, a lot of those purchasers do. And they've pledged allegiance to a guy who'd rather just work out and become a brolic middle-aged man than even pretend to pledge allegiance to them. And most of all, fuck Dr. Dre, because the truth is, we'll never hear that Detox album. And that's sad for music.

1 comment:

Robert said...

This shit filled me with righteous anger...fuck them overpriced headphones...I read a fb status from the most hood nigga in my hs going "how much the, beats by Dre cost?" ridiculous...