Monday, November 7, 2011

Pillow Talk Pt. 1

To say nothing shocks me would not be an entirely true statement, though I due have a high tolerance for the absurd, insane and outright ridiculous. Normally when people start a story with "The craziest shit just happened" I want to yawn and say...Cool story bro. Ive seen more interesting things happen on a Tuesday after bible study, despite my not even having gone to bible study.

I've had one of the sexiest girls in life walk in and start taking a dump while i was in my bathroom brushing my teeth. Not much can shock me.

Last week, however, I received a crazy ass phone call while at work from a funny ass area code...actually the number was 1-760-705-8888 in Escondido California in case you think I'm bullshitting. The caller said "I dont know who you are and you dont know me but I just dialed the first seven numbers i could think of because i need someone to talk to...." I reply with "Sorry, Dont have time to talk" and the next thing you know she says "I just found out I have____ (insert disease that rhymes with "maids") and..... CLICK. I hung up. Maybe it was a prank, maybe that girl took a shoelace and hung herself. Sucks, but not my problem.

Plax: Man that's cold blooded Rock....

I aint shit, but takes a lot to freak me out. The following list, however, is a list of creepy or hilariously funny things that women have said in Bed that made even Me cringe, tear up and say "get the entire fuck out of my house you mentally unstable floosie."

Most Fu*ked up Pillow Talk I've Ever Heard

5. Break the Seal

Sooooooooo. I'm supposed to meet up with a girl for a romp / sexual rendezvous down on steamy south beach and she hits me with the "I'm clean...but I'm on the pill and dont like Condoms because of blah, blah, blah." In my head I'm thinking, Smart nigga survival mode aka "THIS COULD BE A GET PREGNANT TRAP" (not to be confused with 'Hood nigga survival mode' which would dictate that I use a disposable cell phone, skeet in them guts and change my number." In addition to this I'm thinking, shes very pretty...butttttttttttt...her ex man wore jersey's and FUBU. I have to assume the worst about those types of guys.

C4: The Male Equivalent of Jordan Heels.

Tako: C4's African Mom bought me a pair thinkin they were Jordans. LMAO

She then proceeds to tell me about how she takes golden seal root to keep herself clean and healthy. Ummmmmm, like the same golden seal root people use as a ghetto remedy to get clean for a drug test?This is my life, not a few bags of herb im trying to act like I didn't smoke! I mean i'm all for holistic medicinal wellness and natural herbs, but I cant play wih my life like that. Abortions cost a pair of foams, babies cost a half a Bentley and condoms cost the same as a black and mild...AIDS costs your life. I'm still cool with the girl, but the goldenseal shit was too much. Save the home remedies for the common cold.

4. I'm a slaveeeeeeeee for you (Britney Voice)

This story is fu*ked up in many ways. 1st off, it starts off with a girl that was previously mentioned in one of the pin numbers posts (don't ask which one..I forget), but it was the one where i forgot to wash my d*ck after climbing out some yams and heading straight to her house at 4am....then I wipe my di*k with her washcloth and she proceeds to slob my knob. Yeah...her.

I walk outside the club in a tipsy yet swagful manner only to see Buc Dinero harassing some Caucasian hoes... as usual. When I look and see who he's talking to I notice one of the girls is the knob slobbing, fat linebacker who gave me dome in the stairway on St Patty's day. Cool. I say "hey", she doesn't even recognize me even after i give her my name and tell her we had sex, yada yada.

Tako: Imagine that girl's confused face....

Tako: Only applied to this Girl...since we at NHB are Honest in telling stories.

Show: Grrrrr. But true.

Fast forward 20 minutes.....

We're at the house, I'm getting dome on Lefleur's bed (he lived with buc dinero at the time) while Buc talks to Linebacker's cute, but boring friend who cant shut up about her Bf. I emerge from room and after realizing girl #2 is whack, Buc somehow convinces Linebacker to smoke a cigarette outside with him...I notice they're taking way too long and upon looking into the window, see them having sex in the other bedroom, which is hilarious at the time. Still laughing, I walk back inside, ignore annoying buzzkill friend and bang on the bedroom door, thinking I can enter, doubleteam said slut and have a funny story.

As I enter the room, Buc {thinking I'm an idot and that a.) didnt see him and b.) that I didnt know what was going on) sneaks out the back door and she tries to pretend nothing happened. My mind is working overtime..."I'm in a room with this linebacker and I'm starting to sober up. The allure of hilarious tagteam sex is now cock was just in her vag not even 2 minutes's probably still warm. Going after another guy is gross. This poses a problem. Solution? Go anal." And thats what I did. Now here's the funny part.

As I'm doing things god did not intend to be done to someone's rectum, this heifer starts yelling "I want you to fu*k me with that black co*k and call me your little white slave bi*ch. Whip me like a slave on the auction block. Spit on me and call me nig*er."

Tako: Maaaaaaan. Slaves aint have tattoos. That photographer should be shot for historical inaccuracy.

Wja3: Shadddddup.

MA'AM!! I'm out. Pack your shit (no pun intended), but We've both got to go. Clearly we've all had wayyyyyyyyy too much to drink.


Stay tuned tomorrow for the top 3 ...

P.S. (Boy am I glad my reckless days are over, my HIV test proves GOD loves me
& I'm smart enough to quit while I'm ahead.


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