Tuesday, November 22, 2011

HOcery Shopping: A Relationship Post

In its most basic, simplest, no frills form, hollering at hoes is no different that grocery shopping and procuring the ingredients for a particular meal. When I use the term "hoes," I do not mean to imply that your significant other is a ho, though she very well might be, I use the word as a generic misogynistic term in an all too common hood colloquialism.

"Holler at hoes" sounds a lot cooler than "engaging in a monologue of pleasantries aimed at the opposite sex.

On with the post!

Buying your food:

This is the equivalent of finding a girlfriend. You're searching for the perfect combination of ingredients... maybe you like you squash yellow, maybe you don't like rice with your beans....it's all up to you. Important thing to note is that this is the time during a relationship where your mate will be most "picky."

People will, to the best of their ability, obtain exactly what it is they want...or at the very least, a store brand equivalent or best available substitute. Want Cocoa Puffs but they're sold out or too expensive? Buy Chocolate puffs....same shit. No more D cupped cuties? Take the C.

Everyone will have varying tastes, however, certain things are a given. Fresh foods have a shelf life (no one wants the week old salmon or the 37 year old in House of Dereon Jeans) AND no one wants rotten yams. There is far enough fresh food to go around, however certain circumstances may arise which lead to bending of the rules...You'd take a dented can of lobster meat over a fresh can of canned tuna. Exactly. This is why people choose video vixens who've been ran through by multiple celebrities...they're just that mf'n tempting. Also, leave you carriage unattended and someone will take it...even in the grocery store, nigas aint shit.

Cooking the food:

You're done being picky...This is no hometown buffet or family style restaurant and you do not have to share. These are your yams, spinach and Cornish hens!! This is the equivalent of having a fiance. You've committed to a particular "meal" and now its time to show your skills in the kitchen. Since the moment you proposed and threw that 1st pot on the stove, your aim was to impress. You are enamoured with your mate, your "appetite" is at an all time high and you are showing off.

Every day you bring her breakfast in bed, midnight snacks, and midday lunch because you're still in the twilight phase. You want to impress her even when there's noone around to see her be impressed. You actually care about the aesthetics of the food and everything looking nice. No more chain restaurants for her....fu*k the cheesecake factory, you makin cheesecake from scratch son. You're feelin her like the boys at Penn State.......feel the effects of the recent national tragedy at their famed institution.

Show: What? Lol

Wja3: -___- You're pushin it.

Congrats on making it this far by the way. The dinner's cooked and your ho is doing the dishes. I mean of course she is...if she didnt know her role you wouldn't be marrying her. JK, JK. Chilll.


Eating or "consuming" your food, is not so surprisingly related to the final act of becoming one known as the "Consummation (see the play on words there?) of marriage." You were picky enough to choose her, smart enough to wine and dine her and now....now you're pretty much eating to stay alive (especially if she's Latina...LOL.) "Dinner" is no longer a special occasion but more a commonplace routine which replay's daily. Will you be pissed if there's no dinner? you bet. But will you also look at the plates of others and say "damn, I could go for some candied yams...tired of these rice and beans."

In addition to losing your fervor for food, you begin to lose motivation which leads to the food going directly to your gut. You get fat as do most married people. Sorry, its the truth.

This is the "it's whatever" phase. You stop asking whats for dinner because you don't really care and know that tonight's dinner will Be served with a side of "neck snapping attitude" same as always. You quit trying to impress he with your culinary flare because she keeps showing up to the restaurant in Headwraps and pajama pants...or that furry....ugly...pink...fucking...robe.

A vicious cycle of "She doest give a shit so I shall proceed to not give 2 fucks" is initiated and continues all for lack of communication.

At this point you are faced with 2 options and 2 options only.


You can Fast, and say fuck eating aka "fuck you bitch / Bitch ass nigga, I want a divorce."


Or you can agree to fixed those unhealthy eating habits and get back in the habit of making, healthy, fancy gourmet meals.

I opt for the latter. Never stop trying to impress your girl, spouse or bootycall. Chef, steak, knife, cook. Stay fancy my friends...stay fancy.

-Chef Rocka

1 comment:

Nasreen Basu said...

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