Wednesday, November 9, 2011

F'd Up Pillow Talk Pt 2...The Finale!

I don't even check how many hits I get each day anymore....that's how I know I'm becoming a real blogger and not a Twitter attention whore. LOL. I Work when I want to and blog about whatever I want to. Wow, this must be what it feels like to be white...LOL. Guess that's the beauty of doing per Diem work for free. Swag.

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Alas, here we stand on the ever-annoying "hump day" straining our eyes over pixelated computer monitors in the office, or squinting at our smart phone screens in between wiping elderly ass (if you're a CNA.) What better way than to start the day which catapults us into "weekend mode" than by continuing a post which contains nothing but pure fuckery and borderline absurdity.

(See shitty bloggers...That was an introduction. Pretty much no substance, but kept your attention and maybe garnered a laugh. THAT is good writing. )

On Monday I gave you the #5 and #4 most F'd up things women have said to me in bed. Here's the Top 3.

3. So Fresh and Clean

If you've ever had shower sex you know it pretty much sucks. Now showering with your girl may be the sexiest thing ever, and watching her glistening body covered in cucumber melon dove body wash as you attempt to take a leak may entice you to just jump right in like a hood girl in a double dutch tournament, but aside from rubbing your bone on her slippery booty and getting soapy kisses, its worthless.

Nevertheless, whenever a girl says get in the shower with me, you aren't thinking "wow, bed sex would be so much better without the unnecessary friction, awkward positioning and potential for a slip and fall" you're thinking "Legggggggo!" You're thinking "Swag!" You're thinking "That shi*t is sexy!!" That is, until she says "I want you to grab my titties, rub yourself all over me, then lift my leg up....and then you can shave my pus*y."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? Oh Hell Naw. Erection denied. You, ma'am, must be kindly escorted off the premises.

2. I wanna Lick You Up and Down

As if the aforementioned statement wasn't enough, I think in the same year I had another girl hit me with unparalleled recklessness in a nonchalant, "nigga why you buggin" type manner. Men watch porn, this is fact. Women use vibrators, yet dont watch as much porn as men...this is also fact. These two things being said, it makes perfect sense where men get their crazy sex fantasies from and why women, eager to be a "lady in the streets and a FREAK in the bed" do not truly understand how certain things work. Let's be more specific.

The culminating climax of any adult film is the quintessential "Money Shot," where the guy pulls out and "finishes" all over the girls face, butt or body part of choice. Women understand that this is what whores do, but that it is also the "drive him crazy" switch which they can flick within their man simply by saying "I want it all over me." With this girl, however, it was more of a case of "when keepin it freakily real goes wrong."

Girl: And when you're done pulling my hair from behind, I want you to pull it out, and turn me around....I want it all over me...all on my titties ....all on my face....and then you can lick it off.

Me: Excuse me, repeat that....wait...nah son....nah.

She then proceeds to give me some feminist speech about it not being OK to degrade women but not yourself and that it was "mine" so i should be OK with that. I'm like 1.) a Little late to be a feminist. 2.) Fuck outa here. I have no problem with gays (no homo), but THIS is wild homo.


C4: This nigga said "I have no problem with homo." I Cant with him!!

Tako: Son...How can you top that shit. I'm afraid of #1, real talk.

1. No Hands....

So, there's this big knockered white girl I know. Like really big.

Me being the type of person that I was at the time, used every available opportunity to rest my head, meat or entire body in between the E cup breast nestled on a slim 5 foot 7 inch frame...fortunately, this usually led to sex. One time though....this one time....I dont know why, but I was extremely horny. Maybe it was the top i got from her in the car....maybe it was the black lace vicky's boy shorts...who knows?! The important thing is, I was ready to rip her apart until my junk went from Wu-tang hard (pause) to Ramen noodle soft in 2.2. Why did it do this, might you ask? Well, my penis suddenly lost all semblance of life upon "Nikki Knockers" saying:

"You cant be that horny...Im sure one of your hoes or homeboys could've just given you a handjob to help you out."

Me: Hardy har har. was serious.

Nikki Knockers: I mean I dont see the big deal. Its you're friend, you wouldnt do it for your boy? Its not like gay sex or anything?

Me: You arent serious....

Nikki Knockers: I mean, it'd be better than your own hand. He wouldn't come on you or'd just start him off. My old Bf used to think it was Ok....Its what guys do...maybe YOU are just weird and all homophobic.

This would've been the perfect time to tell her her boyfriend pick up some gay habits during his 6 months in jail, but who am I to tell the little white children there's no Santa Claus. I pretended to be too drunk to perform, faked a phone call from a Baby mama I dont even have and dropped her off only to never be seen again. I really hope she got tested. With her man doing that kind of shit...who knows what else he was up to.




NonyWorks said...

The last one was hilarious. I've never heard of that before.

LadyNgo said...


#3- nothing wrong with shower sex if you know what you are doing and how to set things up properly!

#2- i def understand where she's coming from but yeah, idk how many dudes would actually be willing to take it there.

#3- heck nah, she's just all kinds of wrong wit that one lol.