Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Top 5 Reasons Iphones Shatter Relationships

Cockblocking and player hating have existed from the beginning of time. Even still, unscrupulous niggas have been stealing each others Yams long before the Pilgrims did it to the injuns at Plymouth rock.
"Girl listen, you need a dude like me. Your man be at the strip club every week trickin off on diamond. I'm not about that life. He probably spendin yo money. Let's do lunch."

Never before, however, has there been a large scale, universal cockblock which affected every race, color, religion and creed. Saddest part of this, was that it was all at the hands of one man...Steve Jobs.

While you may know him as the billionaire and genius behind all the latest apple gadgets, I know him as a man scorned...a man who's emptiness inside can only be satisfied by his constant cockblocking of the male population. Steve Jobs tells the world: If I can't fu*k your bi*ch, no one can... We reply with a universal "Yeah, aight nig*a.." but our actions say, you're right....We'll let you hate on us and our co-ed relations because we have no choice. Think im a lying Conspiracy promoting blogger? Read Below.

The Top 5 reasons iphones shatter relationships

5. Lack of a removable battery

Random Barbershop nigga: I'm 70 % good nigga, but the rest of me needs some work. I'm a work in progress. Like I want my phone to ring around my girl and for me to be able to pick it up, i really do! I get tired of havin to put it on vibrate, then stick it in a sock, then inside a shoe so she dont hear it vibrate.




Show: Just say you left it in the car...

Random Barbershop Nigga: Chicks are hip to that, it wont even work anymore. Shit, sometimes the vibrate in the sock dont even work...I be havin to flip the battery around before i get there so the phone wont turn on...then just say its dead.

Yes, you read all of that correctly and no I dont consider that dry snitching. Why? Because this is for people with iphones and thanks to Steve "Player Hater" Jobs, we can't remove our fucking batteries. Yup, simple as that. In a world where it has become increasingly harder to cheat on your spouse, Mr. Jobs has thrown yet another monkey wrench in the game. Oh, Im wrong for calling him a hater? Think about what the iphone's default Text message setting was when you first purchased your phone. I'll refresh your was the "show the entire message and sender's name across your screen on top of whatever you were looking at" setting. That's hateful.

4. Ease of use / Icon Size:

Man listen, you've all seen those "Jitterbug" commercials with the catchy jingles. You know? The Cellphones with like 4 big buttons specially made for little kids and Old people in case of an emergency... well an iphone is like the jitterbug for the jealous girlfriend or inquisitive jumpoff.

Think about it. What constitutes an emergency for her? The need to pounce on your phone like a homo on a bag of free dick as soon as you leave the room without your trusty cellular sidekick. Since time is of the essence its a good thing iphones have large, picture identifying icons so that even the most remedial of illiterate chickenheads can get into your shit with the click of a button. It takes me at least 5x as long to find someones messages on a Blackberry. Steve Jobs set us up for this one.

Tako: But what about a phone lock, my dude.

Show: Makes you look guilty. Plus, I can barely remember a girl's birthday let alone ANOTHER combination of numbers. I aint trying to play Simon every time i want to make a call.

In addition to all this, iphones are really just modified ipods, and we all know that everyone (except un-resourceful poor people) has an ipod. This just makes it easier for them to navigate your shit in the 5 minutes you're gone and not have to experience a learning curve. PLUS, that means everyone has an ipod/phone charger. No longer will the, my phone's dead excuse fly.

3. GPS: What a great idea, you'll never get lost!!

Whoops....not a great idea.

What happens when that over-possessive Jamaican husband (no racist) or crazy jealous Guatemalan guy you went on 1 date with (no racista) gets ahold of your phone under the guise of making a call and actually syncs the GPS with his phone so he can track your every move.

Tako: Well spoken by a man who only watches true crime TV shows.

2. Facetime:

This one is pretty self explanatory. As if all these other compounded problems and electronic handcuffs created by the iphone weren't enough, Steve Job's just had to one up himself. He just had to add some garlic roasted sauteed hate on top of the Philadelphia Chicken Hate-steak called the iphone...facetime. Facetime is essentially Skype for phones. Good for mutual masturbation with your long distance diva, but that's it. Cant lie and say you're at the bar with Bud when your really lying in a hotel lettin Rudy play with your puddin pop (Bill cosby Voice).

1. Steve's your pusher.

How many times has your phone been almost dead and you've hit your boy with the line popularized by Jose Conseco and Barry Bonds long before it became common slang, "lemme get some juice." Yep, you're fiendin for that last text message like a horny post prison T.I. fiends for ass as he walks past a pitbull that reminds him of his wife tiny.

Wja3: Rude.

Tako: True.

C4: You've done worse.

All jokes aside, the iphone has become a Catalyst for drug-like dependency. We talk, text, check emails, play games, track girls periods (if you're weird) , start cars, remember things and even share personal photos with our electronic mini computers. Don't think you're that dependent? Name 5 phone numbers you can remember off the top of your head. Exactly.

Worse still, if you have your phone up your ass 24 hours a day, it makes it really hard for you to ignore it and say that you didn't have it with you. A girl who believes that is as bad as one who believes sucking di*k causes cancer.

So there you have it. Proof that the NappyHeadedBros are your friends and want your relationships to flourish. I , for one, refuse to relinquish my iphone so I'd rather just not cheat. Some of yall haven't gotten there yet...I advise you to switch back to blackberry's.

-Kaiser Showsa

1 comment:

khaki la'docker said...

Ahhhhh the smell of ignance and fuggery.... Refreshing! lol