Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Here come the Paramedics!!!

Wja3: Almost 2 weeks without a do you come back from that....what type of heat rock do you drop after that?

Tako: Talk that shit Pac!!!!

C4: Oh Lord...Anything but more ranting and Ray J meat hopping.

Tako: Nah yo, Talk that shit!!! YOU should be on the Money Team b!!! Put on your red hoody and start chippin n*ggas teeth!!

While i appreciate the concern and Tako's support of my reckless tongue, pause, I've thought long and hard (no homo) about how to re-engage the readership. After meticulous analysis of twitter time lines and due diligence performed via interpersonal interviews and case studies I've found that people STILL dont understand the POWER of ..and excuse my dated 1990's slang... The "Booty Call."

Show-Pac's Back...and I'm still talkin that shit. Yam Life.

Jumpoffs, side chicks, yams, "flow"....all these words have been used to describe that chick who isnt your girlfriend, but with whom you exchange fluids, knock boots, bump uglies and do the "grown up." What people fail to realize, however, is that the discreet practice and girls once termed "booty calls" somehow, during the late 1990's underwent metamorphosis into socially acceptable "friends with benefits" and has now, in 2011, further transformed into what I shall call "Paramedics."

Why paramedics, might you ask?

1.) They arrive when you call, regardless of the inconvenience it may cause them...

2.) They perform "CPR" on your....(well, if you need explanation of this analogy you deserve to give to have your pimply adolescent di*k cut with a razor and then given a handjob in bleach.)

3.) The arrive and leave with the discreetness of a siren blaring ambulance....

4.) AND , most importantly, They breathe life into your relationships with others.

Think about it. Remember in high school when sex was everything? Sure you do, and if you don't , allow me to refresh your memory with a quote from one of the great poets of our generation, Reverend Mason Betha:

"How many niggas out remember the...1st time you tried to take a girl virginity....and through the bullshit you lost your identity...and lost your cool" -Ma$e

That pretty much sums it all up perfectly. When they can't get any, people are usually more high strung and apt to do anything. Now mind you, this does not mean you have to be fuc*ing the said paramedic, but rather that you know you CAN f*ck them if needed. Those who CANT, do wild shit like compromise their standards of living (trickin when you dont got it), defile their own moral character (date rape), lower their standards (smash rotten yams) and even do some downlow shit (niggas in prison) just to alleviate the pressure of the pent up penile ebb and flow.

Paramedics, however, whether consciously or subconsciously (because unconsciously would make it rape) sign up for the difficult task of selflessly resuscitating you and not letting you go into relationship death...the dark region where you smash ugly hoes, neglect attractive girls who don't fu*k on the first date, and fu*k n*ggas doggystyle doing 6 month jail stints.

The sad part is, that there is a reason that these selfless paramedics have not made the transition to girlfriend or wife. Something in them is simply "not right for you" and you know it. Do they know it? Of course. Are they holding on simply for the hope you may change your mind? Eh. Somewhat. More so paramedics realize that a.) the pay is good (they still reap the benefits of being a sometime girlfriend) and more importantly the mortality rate is low (fu*king one guy is a GREAT way for a girl to keep her body count low and her rate of contracting STD's even lower.) Its really a win win.
So the next time you see a girl and say why does she continue to deal with this dude and he wont commit, despite the fact that she clearly does, change your perspective. She's not a hoe, nor is she a naive bootycall hanging onto a fleeting hope. She's a paramedic. She's doing a service for all the respectable girls in America, playing the CNA for your potential nurses. Somebody's gotta do the dirty work so our future wifey's can keep their knees clean. Pow.

When the ambulance comes, hating ass friends, please pull your shit to the side of the road and give her the lane...someones life may be in danger.

-Follow us on Twitter @Nappyheadedbros

1 comment:

Unknown said...

YEZZIR! Funny stuff. As a guy who is doin' my damndest to stay faithful, and has somehow managed thus far (bomb-ass lady, porn, and the occasional flirt to make sure I "still got it"), I can still appreciate the position of the paramedic. Kudos for giving credit where credit is due.