Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Fellas....

"Kick the truth to the young black youth" (Gza / Teen Summit Voice)

Sooooooooo....yesterday brought all the stars out. Lots of comments and a general sentiment that most of you didnt like the blog. Boo hoo, cry me an afro-centric river, dry it with your Dashikis and peazy wiz Khalifa afros while i sip champagne and smoke cigars with some busty, straight haired Cuban women. I'm just kidding...I'm over it.

Today we shall venture into the uncharted waters of a gender specific phenomenon unique to the male species. Yup...I dont feel like arguing with yall bi.....

C4: Yo yo yo yo yo........chilll son.....

Anyways, like I was saying ...I dont feel like arguing with you bigots and estrogen filled egg Today I'ma holla at the fellas. No homo. Lol.

Dear niggas,

With the advent of the word pause and the phrase no homo we have been ushered into an era of overt and excessive masculinity all in the name of not being perceived as gay. Football, beer, boxing, womanizing...all of these things can be described as stereotypically "manly", and there's not really anything wrong with that....except the womanizing part. Unfortunately, what has happened in 2011 is that we've let this phenomenon get out of hand on some "when keepin it real goes wrong shit." Yes, you read that right. Fellas have become so worried about being called soft or gay that they are refusing to hold their girls hands in public, or watch sappy movies with the mother of their children. This, sir, has got to stop.

Tako: Word son? A Co-Sign by Nas and you come out lookin like a thugged out G.I. Joe? Jesus piece on an AK? I can't!

That being said, i feel like fellas would be more at ease with embracing our inner Don Juan Romeo Sensitivo IF they got affirmation from a real nigga like me....the modern day tupac of the blog world....the only nigga so gangsta he'd crip walk to a blood test...

Tako: Overkill.

So here you have it. 5 Thngs you wouldn't do cause you thought they were homo, but that You can now do cause I gave you a pass. **tucks gun in waistband for effect.

5. Hold you girl's hand.

Sheeeeeeit, if you don't, you risk other niggas trying to holler and you having to defend her honor. What happens when its a group of niggas or a dude bigger than you? exactly. You dont want those problems. I dont care if you think you're Floyd Mayweather and can sucker punch niggas into oblivion, there's always a chance you'll slip....and to a woman, there's nothing sexy about getting knocked out. Do it for her! Do it for you! Just do it! Hold her hand, grab her waist. PDA aint gay. Just dont grab her waist from behind and do the duckwalk, or swing your hand while you guys are intertwined, because that sir, is borderline gay and looks ricky smiley retarded.

4. Drink Wine

It shows you are cultured...if you drink wine that requires a cork and not an aluminum twist top. Real talk, wine is also a refreshing break from beer and yak. Do not, however, drink Moscatto or any other sweet wine. It's kinda like ordering an Apple Martini son, and while Im not saying "dont order it cause it sounds gay", as that would defeat the point of this self empowerment post, I will say that no woman wants to kiss you with sticky ass apple pucker lips sweeter than her lipgloss. Go with a Merlot, Shiraz or Cab...preferably Dry. Stay away from Boone's farm.

Keanu Reeves: Fuck I gotta say no homo for? I get bitches AND have a beard.

3. Eat P*ssy

How someone inferred that this was gay is actually perplexing to me. Its actually the un-gayest thing you can do. Its a vagina, its where babies come from....its where your erect penis goes. Quit trying to make a point and be so hard. You should be willing to do anything that makes your queen happy, as long as it doesn't involve a dildo or finger in your butt. I'm not gonna speak on my particular affinity for indulging in female nether regions, BUT i can say, all real niggas do it. Dont, however, subscribe to the Lil wayne school of thought where you randomly chow miscellaneous box cause you heard it in a song...Eat that strippers pussy like cold pizza and your lip might end up looking like meat lovers pizza. Eat! eat! eat! But use discretion, cause nobody wants puss filled rocky road lips.

Tako: He should've got herpes of the teeth. Maybe then they'd fall out and he could start over. LOL. I aint shit.


2. Wear Dress Clothes

Yes: ------->

No: ----->

Nigga you're almost 30, who are you keepin it real for? Dress age appropriate. Sure you may actually look your age and therefore ruin your chances with Jordan wearing highschool juniors, BUT you will open yourself up to a world of grown up and professional woman. Unlike the teenie boppers, however, they will require you to be responsible, have a job and not plan your rent payments around foamposite release dates, so be warned. JK. A man in nice business casual attire is ready for anything and will ALWAYS get the job over the nigga in khakis, Air forces and an oversized polo. Dress like a grown up, get paid like a grown up, get grown up bitches...its a win win...Ask Carmello.

1. Get Your Salad Tossed

Wja3: Whaaaaaaaat!?

C4: Nope. There is no straight looking position to put yourself in while getting your butt licked.

Tako: Always the deciding vote, I shall say Swag.

Analingus. Its like her eating the pussy you dont have. Hahahaha. A lot of people are opposed, but if you've reached this level with your mate, its all about sexual exploration and a world without bounds. Ask her to shove a dildo in your butt and we will call you gay, but this....we'll let this rock. Its one of life's simple pleasures....feels awesome......shows she really loves you and isnt scared of cholera or Hepatitis. Most importantly, it makes you feel like the mu'fuckin man. Shes going to uncharted regions and making you erupt like mount Vesuvius all while she, or you, stroke your meat. Everybody loves multi tasking . LOL. Why do you think they call it "tossing salad"? It's healthy and promotes balanced nutrition. It also elevates you to "seasoned veteran" status like "Yo son, don't talk to me about sex if you never had ya salad tossed. Step ya game up. Lol." (**Grabs every girls but while running through the land of 1,000,000 PAUSES.)

So there you have it.

Wise words from a decent me gay if you'd like, but I bet I get better looking bit*hes than you. #Fact

- Show "Me the Tetas" Rock

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