Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dating by the numbers...I mean Letters.

We here at NHB like to do interesting things and approach the often difficult topic of dating in unorthodox, interesting ways. Today shall be no different.

Rather than discuss body count (The amount of sexual partners or "bodies" a potential mate has) we are opting to do away with the traditional Western number system in favor of the Ancient Arabic Alphabet Anagram. LOL Rather than form words with letters, however, we shall be using letters to form opinions of people without knowing them. :) Martin Luther King would NOT be proud. But, Martin goneeeeeeeeee that nigga deaddddd (Kanye voice.) Oh this shit is the bomb.

That being said, almost every letter from A to Z can tell you about a woman's character, intentions and overall demeanor. Think I'm Lying? Read Below.

Dating by the "Letter's..." It may fit you to the "T."

B: If she says the letter b and uses it as though it is a noun, she's probably from Harlem. If not, excessive use of the word B is simply an indicator that she hangs out with too many dudes, is on twitter too much or is a brute. She has small boobs.

D: If during a first date you bring up the D, and she doesn't slap you...she is a certified freak (or a tease) and you sir, are a beast. You either have no tact, or just dont give a fu*k and can gage the freak factor in a girl's eyes so well that you're willing to risk getting slapped, a drink thrown in your face and being left to pay the restaurant bill alone.

E: Maybe she's a raver. Some people still pop e (do Ecstasy.) LOL. Actually, if your girl has done e, just assume shes had sex on e and gotten her walls pounded to a thin like filo dough consistency. Ask her when was the last time...give her walls some time to fluff back up and regain their cushiony elasticity.

G: If she say's shes keeping it G, or calls you "my g" she's a straight east coast gangsta.
Nothing wrong with that. I prefer when girls call me son, but that's just me. To her, its the equivalent of the power we men feel when we casually call our girl a bitch to her face and she doesnt trip. Her friends hear her call you "G" or "son" and they're like "Damn, she got it like that? Why am I callin my man daddy?" LOL.

J-K: If she's still using AOL slang, shes probably too young for you, or just right for you and you're a pedophile. Jk. Use of the term "Jk" or just kidding , WHEN TYPED, shows a willingness to push the envelope. We all know how this works...say some semi-inappropriate sexual innuendo and add "jk" or "lol" so you don't seem creepy. She reads and thinks "Ok, this nigga isnt completely crazy, he typed "jk"" but the sexual though has already been slyly slipped into her mind.

L: Wonder if she Smokes much? Check for black lips and empty "game" wrappers in her whip. If she's from a metropolitan area, the L she's referring to, may be the train. Either way, she's no bougie. Carefully watch who she splits, licks and seals the blunt to assess her future fellatio skills.

S....T.D. I really think this is pretty self explanatory. Wrap it up. Regardless.

In the end, this has been more than a brief exercise of wordplay mixed with the experience gained from casual dating. Think of this brief electronic nugget of dating wisdom as an eye opener that yes, there are many different types of girls and no one girl is perfect for everybody. Girls are as numerous and their personalities as extensive as the 25 letter alphabet itself.

Wja3: 25 Letter Alphabet? Is that the Rican alphabet, cause last time I checked there were 26 letters.

Tako: Not in my alphabet!!! And Show's Alphabet is even worse. He's got 24!! Cause he removed C. LMAO.

Show: Chillllllllll.

C4: What are these niggas talking about?

Wja3: The two of them are like Wu-Tang, speaking in pidgin slang that noone else understands.

When dating by the letters, as we stated before, there is as much variety as there are letters in the alphabet, however, one letter should never be used. X. Bringing up your ex during a date is the quintessential yet unintentional kill the moment tactic employed by most men. There's really nothing to gain here. In a best case scenario, you can use your ex to show that a.) You can be adult enough to not hold a grudge with someone, or b.) that you've made mistakes and can move on. How about this though...wouldn't it be better to let the new girl just assume you never made mistakes, kinda like you assume she hasn't sucked any di*k in recent history when you lean in for that goodnight kiss?

Case in point. Nobody wants to hear about your ex unless its to assess her as competition. Even this, however, will be your ultimate date downfall because if you speak highly of her (or she's beautiful) the new girl will call you "stuck on your ex." If shes ugly and or you hate her, the new girl says "Oh, what kind of bi*ches is he fu*kin with?" or "Damn, she hurt you? This ni**a has issues." Moral of the story, X the ex. As far as you are concerned she could be trout fishing in Alaska or stripping in Montreal's Red light district. Quickly change the subject.

Hopefully you've learned something and if not, dont say I didnt try to help ya. I dont know about yall, but that 25 letter alphabet is looking kinda good. Swag.



Joseph Russo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joseph Russo said...

The idea of anyone putting their hands on my baby girl gives me shudders. She's 17 now, so she's all in on the 'true love thing.' Fortunately she hasn't come across anyone who has or wanted to strike her, and she knows how I feel about it. Still, I don't think we ever had the one on one about this exactly, and I def. am going to do that now. Alaska dating