Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Nice Guys finish last, but who cares....

I'm sure you've heard the age old saying that "nice guys finish last." Cute right? evokes sympathy for the common man buying hoes flowers and cheesy biscuits from red lobster just so she can go home to her baby daddy and suck him off to a Travis Porter song. Very fucking cute indeed.

"Nice Guys finish last," is even a stretch of the imagination as it has been my particular experience that the so called ""nice guys" usually don't finish at all...they come limping though the disheveled aftermath of a race long since ended, only to clean up the discarded Gatorade cups and serve as a shoulder to lean on for the crying mistresses of those, "not so nice guys" who finished hours early and promptly Usain Bolted out of their lives leaving them dripping with tears and stale semen.

Here's a better adage, or contemporary update of the saying by yours truly:

"Assholes finish in their prime, Nice guys finish holding their own dick." -Rocka

Why is this , and why do the NappyheadedBros support this cruel ideology? I'll tell you why. It's because, as a civilization, we are nothing more than sperm from God's Nutsack combined with Darwinian evolution.

The leaders lead, the followers follow, the strong survive and the meek shall perish....let them niggas inherit the earth after Armageddon or the next Jaquim Noah's Arc, but for now, the pussy shall be begotten by the rest of us. Swag.

Before you all start the next "hoes against Showrock" campaign or attempt to say "you just talk that hard shit but you're really a sweetie", let me explain what I mean by "nice guys." Nice guys, lightskinned dudes, cornballs, whatever you want to call them are not simply the ones who wine and dine girls, refuse to cheat on them or buy them flowers. Nah nigga....that's just common courtsey, chivalry and paying homage to the almighty yam. Problem is, we as a society are so deeply entrenched in the "nice guys finish last" mentality that people automatically assume that acting chivalrous (Tako: is that a word?) is some ol' fruity ass ring-pop in the booty shit.

It's actually not, but men are so afraid of being perceived as "weak" that they shy away from ANYTHING which could possibly be misconstrued as "too nice." It's the equivalent of a nigga refusing to wear pink, hold his girls hand or cry just because people may call him soft. I was kidding about crying...unless it's at a funeral, that shit is gay as fuck. LOL.

But fear not my faithful homies , as always I have a sure fire way to assure you will not be the bitch ass nigga that finishes last. I know hoes (as well as the female species in general) and will impart upon you some of my acquired wisdom. Nice guys do finish last, but as long as you do not exhibit the following 3 qualities, no female will ever call you such a nice guy. Read below:

Nice Guys Don't Beat their women:

Neither do so-called badasses! Ha! I caught you wife beaters....Ladies stay away from them. It's established, no man should beat a woman...but if you've never WANTED to put hands on her, or will let her punch you in the face without restraining her, You're a Bitch ass ni....excuse me, a "nice guy"...too nice.

Nice Guys Never Put their foot Down:

Even if a woman has no desire to cheat, go to the club dressed like a hooker or enter an upside down dick sucking contest, she WILL propose the ideas just to test boundaries. Don't be overbearing like some Dominicans and Jamaicans or overprotective like a weird ass stalker, but let her know that things that most niggas will deem unacceptable, you will not tolerate. She'll bitch a little, but in the end she'll get turned on by the authority. She needs a rock she can lean on not a paper thin shed she can huff, puff and blow over.

Nice Guys Have Latent Response Time:

A girl will bend over to see if you look, just like she'll rub her butt against your junk for shits and giggles just to see if you respond. Of course you'll get aroused, this is physiology...What she's looking for, is whether or not you can read the signs.

"It's OK he wont hug you. He likes men. I will hug your from behind this blog wall...if you've got a fat ass." --Rocka

This shows that you've been with women are familiar with the pre-coitus song and dance. Give her a shoulder rub or caress her waist line to show her, " look girl, i felt that shit and see what you trying to do...but the thirst shall not overcome me. Im stronnnnnnng." If you don't, this is a black cloud over your resume. Lack of Job experience. How can you be expected to perform like a Vet while making obvious rookie mistakes. Nice ass nigga...Shoulda made a move. You dropped the ball.

In short (Jerry Springer Final Thought Voice), women want to be wined and dined but also gain a sense of comfort that their man is not more effeminate than them. They want you to have the power to fuck them up, but the restraint not to do it. The want you to show passion about things and treat them like a queen....Why a queen? Because she reaped the benefits of all things royal, but still had a King to check her ass when necessary.

Women want to spoon, but want you to get hard and try to fu*k them, regardless of whether or not they actually want to have sex. They want to be desired, catered to and loved...but most importantly, they want to be gripped with the force that only a man can provide, stroked with a masculine touch and reassured that they did not mistakenly enter into a lesbian relationship;If she wanted a bitch, she'd get one the same size so they could share clothes. LOL.

Man up, handle your responsibility like a man and quit making excuses...Yes nice guys finish last, but only because they're punks. If you qualify than you don't deserve pus*y anyway. Now take your Louie vuitton man purse and skedaddle...she'll call you when she needs a mani-ped partner. LOL.



Numbers Girl said...

You hit the nail on the head! I picked a good day to start reading again!

Sha said...

OMG ur a trip u had some very valid points with this

The Notorious ZAG said...

I was discussing this with a co-worker today... women always go for the assholes. How foolish. True, no woman wants a lacy ass dude sniffing behind them, but really ladies? We're gonna keep picking the jerks? We ain't gotta hold hands ALL the time, 'cause that is gay. But surprise me with a few minutes of digit locking, or a public smooch. Great read!

The Cardigan Villain said...

I don't know why I stopped reading this. Heat rock

La Rubia said...

I'm late on this one, but ironically, this is one where there isn't a double standard! Nice girls finish last too. My theory? You like the bad girl/guy because they're exciting, they don't give a shit what others think. That's appealing. The nice guy/girl? Oftentimes just is a bore. You appreciate nice when bad reminds you that YOU'RE not "bad enough" for them, but sure enough you'll get bored again. A true novelty is the person (guy or girl) who can see the bad and good in their choice and appreciate both sides. That would keep things exciting. If it existed! Another great read.