Thursday, August 18, 2011

Louis Vuitton (And other Hogwash Tomfoolery)

I'll be the first to admit that I have a penchant (Liking) for all things Louis Vuitton. While I havent yet crossed into the realm of hoodrat (i.e. doing shit like buying fake louis Vuitton items or spending rent money on items i truly cannot afford), I cannot honestly say that my obsession is NOT yet a mature one; I havent yet graduated to buying "non-monogrammed or non-Damier Checked" items. What this is saying, essentially, is that yes I want to wear louie...but i want everyone to know that it's louie and I paid good money for this shit.

Tako: First off, you crossed the line into Chickenheaded Hoodrat territory when you tatted the Louie Flowers and the AP on your face. -__-

**Ignores Tako

The underlying question though, is why? Why do I feel the need to validate my swag by wearing overpriced items marketed by a corporate machine and promoting the emasculating style of a white man who could probably give 2 fucks about my decision to spend a weeks paycheck on a belt? I'll tell you why. For the same reason that people take the Nice looking, wholesome girl with the C cups and rainbow outfit over the tatted up girl with the Christian Audiger Hat, blonde highlights , redbottomed heels and vocabulary which only makes sense if you're up on the month's latest slang.

Certain things elude a sense of timelessness. In the same way that Louis Vuitton's Iconic print has never changed, nor gone out of style in our lifetime, Show's like Maury, Cheaters and (unfortunately) the nightly news, show us that the wholesome girls are less likely to be hot flashes in the pan which will eventually burn us and leave our broke, disfigured asses for dead.

Basically, I dont want to spend a lot of money on some shit and have it look stupid in a few months. Think "100 dollar Ed Hardy", "girls with the "Cassie Haircut", "Fake tits."

Tako: Niggas with Tattoos EVERYWHERE.

Show: Fuck up.

Anyways, that brings us to todays topic of styles which has "jumped the shark" so to speak....Trends which should've been stopped before they were started. In an effort to not be racist, I shall tackle each race's indiscretions.

White People--Christian Audigier:

We get it. You watch Jersey Shore, You like to work out...You're jacked. No homo. These shirts, kinda like abercrombie and Hollister, come in athletic cut which means "tight around the shoulders to make you look jacked. It was a good look....key word...WAS. Once Christian Audigier got involved and decided that it was cool to bedazzle Gym T-shirts and provide matching hats, I knew it had gone too far. In the same way the plague of locusts were sent to destroy Egypt upon the Pharaohs not taking God's advice, Mr. Audigier has sent a plague of rhinestones to destroy all things masculine. Stop it fellas.

Black people--Coogi:

The Cosby sweaters were only cool because they were like $500.00 and gave off an aire of exclusivity. The 1990's Hideous Australian sweaters which looked like the inside of a clown tampon were only to be eclipsed in ridiculousness by the re-emergence of the brand in the 2000's and the creation of Jeans and Polos in gigantic sizes, and more ridiculously bright colors that josephine Baker's family portrait! (Google Her.)

Over sized denim with crayola styled pockets. This is like putting lipstick on a sambo right before a watermelon eating contest in 2011. We worked so hard to go from the baggy clothes days of the 1990's to the Jaz-Z inspired "button ups" and we were almost at a point where we were dressing appropriately. Rocawear died (thank god), enyce was purchased by Sean John (someone with an actual sense of grown up style) and we were so close.....and then this. The equivalent of letting us put just the tip in and being forced to deal with the blue balls of a fashion miscarriage.

Latinos...Especially Mexicans ---Aeroposale:

You guys just look silly. I've come to the conclusion, upon conversations with many of my friends who attended different prep schools, that WE HAVE NEVER SEEN A PREPPY MEXICAN. Mexico is divided between the filthy rich and the poor. Rich people would have no need to wear the poor man's Abercrombie and Fitch. Wait, actually, that would be hollister. Aeropostale is the Poor man's Hollister. It's basically the equivalent of wanting a Gordon Gartrel (Cosby Reference) and getting that 1 sleeved longer than the other, silk Pirate shirt theo had....or Rudy's light up shirt with all the burnt out bulbs and 1 sad little blinking fish.

Tako: Somebody watched alot of TV when young.

You look like skinny little mexican backstreet boys. Stop it cinco.

C4: You did not just say that....THIS!!!!

Bright pink shirts with collars popped and puertorican Pauly D haircuts just arent a good look for you. Shouldn't yall be wearing Willie Esco or somethin? LOL.

Wja3: There is seriously something wrong with you...but, I agree for once. All of the aforementioned "styles" and brands border on the absurd. Not only do the brands present portraits of hideous fashion, they are also associated with stereotypes....and by that I mean, the WRONG stereotypes...not like an asian wearing a calculator around his neck stereotype...I'm talking shit that is damaging.

Tako: Damaging? Thats a stretch.

C4: If you want to live in a society with homosexual fist pumping mexican, Glittery roid raged whiteboys and jigaboo clown coons I say go ahead. I applaud you.

Tako: Never mind.

What it comes down to is everyone needing to just be themselves. Take a style and make it your own...stick with a designer if you like his or her products...but if, in the end, you feel the NEED to wear a certain brand religiously, you probably pay to a pagan God and have no semblance of fashion sense anyway. You deserve a lifetime of FUBU, open toed sandals, Mountaingear boots and FJ560 leathers.

That is all.



irish said...

Coonery is jot exclusive to black people and no matter how far uyou come as a race you still have late adopters

Rock said...

Oh Most definitely! Coonery has no race, religion or creed. In this case , however, Coogi Coonery tends to be an offense most committed by African Americans.

LadyNgo said...

Coogi sweaters. Even when i was a kid in the 90s i thought it was the most hideous crap ever and for the life of me couldn't figure out why Biggie endorsed them in any of his songs.

Some folks will where anything to feel "among"