Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Day I became a man....

First off let me start by saying, this shit cray...

C4: Skerrrrrrrrt! Stop it right now! We will not be using that dumb ass Kanye slang.

Gotcha. I knew you'd Say that. Looka here boi. I'm tired of people Fighting trends in favor of originality simply because its the trendy thing to do. Right now it's popular to call everyone else 'followers' when in actuality, half the people on this meat hopping bandwagon are only doing it cause Joe budden, or some other random Internet nigga told them to. This is fact. Thanks for the alley oop.

C4: Mutha-Fucker.

Now, lets get to the post. The day I became a man.

Wja3: No one wants to hear a softcore porn story of you popping a teenage cherry. It's kinda pedo.

Tako: Well she'd probably be like our age now...I'd like to hear the story, cause maybe I can hit it too.

Show: This Nigga!!

For all of you who know me as well as my colleagues SHOULD, you can probably guess that this story isnt about losing virginity. Just as you would refrain from calling the 10,000 teenage chickenheads with little chickadee babies full grown "women", you'd be hard pressed to find a mature male in his late twenties willing to admit that "having sex makes you a man." Rapists have sex and they are much less than a man, they are the deplorable scum of the earth...as are men who beat their wives. Little girls have fully functional reproductive organs despite their brains being malleable young clay humps easily influenced by TGI Fridays, Rims and nikes. They arent women, no matter what the law and her mini-vagina say.

While some define becoming a man as the day you move out on your own and start paying bills (a very good argument), I myself view my transition to manhood as the day I had my first "this nigga aint shit" moment. Yes, I am actually claiming that my own manhood stems from the moment I first did some fucked up shit to a female. Why, might you ask? Because, Its not until you go through the motions of doing the wrong things, that you can progress on a path towards knowing how to do whats right.

***Insert background trance music and fog from smoke machine....curtain closes and re-opens......

She was a thick light skinned girl from around the way...white mom, black dad...D cups, freckles and a fatty. 13 year old's dream right? Beats sneaking playboys and beating off into a sock...(mind you, Internet porn was not popping like that in my day.) We met her (and yess nigga I said we) at a party in the Sherman Pj's (projects.) After she danced with my homeboy for a while, since I had quit dancing for the night after a girl "broke" me, i saw her write her number down on a paper plate and hand it to him.

"She looked like this random Internet girl on the right. Lol"

Hood Side note: In hood dancing girls will dance in front of you and try to "throw it back" or thrust their wobbling booty backwards as though simulating extremely rough sex on beat. Boys are supposed to thrust in the opposite direction in unison while maintaining balance and staying on beat, OR stand still and act as a support, i.e) NOT FALL OVER. If you are thrown off beat or fall, the girl will say "he couldnt handle this" or she "broke" you. Proceed...

A few hours later my man Bud Rock was talkin to another girl, which made her upset enough to holla at me and write her number on the other half of that paper plate. Fast forward 2 weeks and shes at my crib after school. I believe we were all still virgins at the time, but that didnt stop us from trying to get a nut in any way shape or form. Me, her and my right hand man (pause) JB were at the crib and i remember making out with her...you know, kissin and grabbin titties and shit.

Meanwhile, as all THREE of us were sitting on the bottom bunk of a bunkbed, I drape a sheet from the top of the bunkbed and make a little tent. We have some small talk about her being my girl (in between kissing and titty sucking) and the next thing you know I'm titty fu*king her (and i even got a little head) on one half of the bed behind a sheet, while JB is playing PlayStation on the other half of this tiny ass bed and laughing. When I'm done she gets up and wipes herself off and proceeds to follow me to the next room.

This was the moment i first realized that the amount of semen built up in your nutsack yet not fully released affects your decision making process as the first thing I wanted to do after relieving the pressure, was chill and take my turn at the video game. She comes and sits on my lap, and i never forget the smell of her breath...semen and chocolate chips ahoy cookies....she starts talking to me and I hit her with the "I dont know if I'm ready for a girlfriend" line.

"She was mad enough to have done this to my car if I had one at 13."

Tako: COLD BLOODED!!! Suwoooop.

C4: Yoooooooo! At 13 son? You aint shit!!!

And that was it. She got upset, stormed out and my homeboy Bud got to actually hit it a few weeks later. No harm no foul right? The important thing was I got to take my turn at the video game and I had learned something which every man must ultimately learn:

Hormones influence decisions, dont let them.

Drops mic.



Anonymous said...

THIS shit right here man. I find it sadly hilarious that someone can raise a young woman who thinks that that's the type of shit that's to be done to get a boyfriend. Another reminder of my superior upbringing I guess lol. Nah but in all seriousness, I'm glad my parents wasn't bout that selfish life, and THEY RAISED ME. they ain't let the streets raise me. I like your twisted insight someway somehow lol. I get your point. And I HOPE you're doing better lol

Vineeth G. Zillah said...

What the hell is "cray?" I've been saying "crack," when I ball so hard mother fuckers wanna find me. I could've sworn the slang was "that shit [is] crack." What the fuck is cray? Like crawfish? That shit gay.