Monday, July 25, 2011

Girls You can Take Home to Mom (According to the Chickenheadologist)

Nowadays Girls know exactly what to say and have gotten progressively better at the art of fooling men into believing they are decent females you can bring home to mom. This is fact.




(What she leads you to Believe...)


The Modern day woman will exhibit all the telltale signs of being a habitual metamorphosing shape shifter, including but not limited to the Big 5:



(More Accurate Portrayal)



5.) Liking different types of Music other than Rap & R&B.

4.) Saying she hates Red Lobster and Olive Garden, but likes to go out to eat.

3.) Claiming to own more heels than sneakers

2.) Telling you what town she attended school in

1.) Saying that she doesnt go out much.



Now, to the untrained eye, any of the following statements could be interpreted as the figurative brick and mortar upon which the house named Wifey was built. Fortunately for you blog readers, the Bros are trained Chickenheadologists, adept in deciphering the hidden meanings of the aforementioned banter.



" I like all types of music...not just Rap & R and B"



Well then, why did you mention those 1st? It seems as though shes trying to be an anti-stereotype at this point , but give her the benefit of the doubt and ASK what some of her favorite performers or bands are. Prince, Old Michael Jackson, Bob Marley and Sade are Cop out responses meaning that the heaux (since we're bein all fancy) doesn't know shit...musically. If she only names bands that've collaborated with Jay-Z...Drop her like she's hot. Wobbly wobbly.


"I don't know. A typical night would consist of going out somewhere nice to eat..but not like Olive Garden or Red Lobster....somewhere nice and not so ghetto."




Offer to take her to Texas Roadhouse or Outback...Longhorn steakhouse or something. She'll probably say yes. Fact of the matter is, she'll probably only know other chain restaurants, but has been conditioned to say Red Lobster is ghetto. In actuality if given the chance, she'd probably fuck up a cheesy biscuit like Ray J does an R&B Song. Here's part two...ask her what type of dish she likes best. If she says "firecracker shrimp" , "Jack Daniel's Anything" or something she cant pronounce, she's obviously a Friday's girl perpetrating. Nothing wrong with Friday's, I love it. Just be honest...and just know that's its not exactly fine dining.



"I only really where sneakers when I go to the Gym..."



(Is it because u wear Jordan heels the rest of the time?)



Look at her body. Does she look like she even goes to the gym? If not, her fat ass should have strong calf muscles from holding all that weight up in heels. No? Her calves are not defined? Maybe she meant "I only wear sneakers in the gym.....I wear flats when I'm trying to snag a man at the club and sketchers shapeups or ReeTones at work." Bitch may even wear crocs and be a CNA...who knows. Lesson to be learned is, ask questions. If a women cannot properly walk in heels, or does ridiculous shit like wears pumps with a sundress...she is a fraud. Fake as some Brian Pumper Jewels.




"Oh I went to school in Virgina...Sometimes I think of moving back down south."




(Awwww....)


(Or Awwww Sheeeiiiittttt !!!)



The response to this is usually to say, "oh so why do you want to move?" Zing. She's officially moved you onto the next subject without you even knowing. Also, EVERY black person is always talking about "moving down south" usually to Atlanta, despite not knowing anything about the job market, salaries or even how many miles it is from here. All they know is somebody's cousin got a house down there that was half the cost of one up north, and twice as big.




What you should've asked her was WHAT SHE WENT TO SCHOOL FOR and more importantly DID SHE FINISH. Honestly, you know how many niggas I know that did 2 semesters freshman year and STILL talk about "school." They aren't technically lying, more like perpetuating a falsehood. Lol. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not down talking people who didnt go to college, but I value education and can find common ground with people who've gone through formal schooling. Will i date a High School grad? Sure, long as she has big Tits and good sense. What I will not date, however, is a liar. Ask the right questions and you'll get the honest answer.





Also, all those "Crazy college stories" that people tell you about...Well, someone has to be "that girl." Make sure its not her.





"Oh, I'm just here with my girls...I dont go out much."



Oh hello miss. My name is Jack and I like to sell you some magic beans i just copped from this nigga down the street. I bought more than i need so I'll give em' to you for the low low.




EVERY girl knows better than to say "Yeah, I come to this bitch every week cause dude's buy my free drinks." Even if she's not fucking for said drinks, it still makes her 1 part chicken head, 1 part potential hoe and 2 parts bum bitch. I refuse to use the word basic. It reeks of pissy elevator shafts on the way up to similiac filled apartments with plastic on the couches.




The "Do you go out much" question wont stun her....it's like punchin Deebo in the chest...


What you have to do is hit em with that same 1-2 combo punch that Chris Child's gave to Kobe Bryant.



Ask, "Do you go out a lot, oh Ok, what do you like to do then?" If her response is "I tend to go to upscale lounges more than clubs" this = upscale Heaux who would wear redbottoms with a dress from Target (pronounced Tar-Jay). If her response is anything other than "smoking weed, going to the movies or Chillin" you're good to go. Even if she says "redbox" you're cool...then at least you know she has a credit card. Just hope it doesnt say Baby Phat...if so "Rush" your ass out the situation ASAP.






While I know this hasnt been a comprehensive list, I'm sure many of you guys have heard and thought the same thing. Some women will be offended, but most of u will laugh and think I'm talking about other hoes and not you. LOL. Either way, you've all be warned.






Flirt cautiously and fuck accordingly...





-Show

1 comment:

The Notorious ZAG said...

Hilarious as usual! Chickenheadology 101, thanks, i appreciate it. You give me a glance into the outside male perspective as far as females go, and boy am I relieved to know that I'm no chickenhead. However, I would like to pose the question, since weight is oft targeted on this blog: which is more acceptable, obesity and class/intelligence or the ideal body and chickenheadity/ignants?

While I wouldn't say that I'm the classiest bitch on earth, I'm smart and I'm honest, which I think are more important that having "class." I listen to Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, and APC as much as I listen to Jay-Z, and Biggie. I don't mind a chain eatery as long as I'm having a good time! And I don't usually go out, I'd rather write stories, hold a decent conversation, or play with my kid. But I dig boogies with my bare fingers and say Barack Obama when I burp. HA HA.

Who is the ideal chick? Who do you take home to Mom? If you enjoy her company and she isn't some ain't shit ass bitch (yeah, I hate the term "basic bitch" too... comes out feeling like a day old used maxi pad when I say it), but has self-respect and knows how to act in front of your family, is she wife material? Who is wife material?