Thursday, June 23, 2011

C.R.A.B.S: Can't Really Accept Being Single


Carelessly cordial conversations with your girls can often lead to a syndrome commonly known in urban circles as Hatertension. Hatertension is similar to hypertension in that is tends to disproportionately affect minorities, raise your blood pressure, and is often correlated with being overweight. Think about it, how often has a conversation with your friends turned into a "this bitch is acting brand new" session directed at your homegirl with the new man. If he's always around he "never lets that bitch breathe"....if he's never around he "aint shit." If he's tall dark and handsome, or lightskinned with a unibrow and nice voice (like Drake), he's "too nice for her tryflin ass." Sure we want our friends to be happy...but only when we can go on double dates. #FACT



Recklessly Ranting and Responding to said friend about how her new love interest has caused her to "change" rarely releases tension and most often results in irreparable rifts in relationships. Sure it's one thing to talk to your other hating ass friends about how "Becky, shanequa or Marisol" is fucking up the latest installment of the "Hootrats go to Miami for Memorial day weekend" Trilogy, but it's a WHOLE NEW BALLGAME when you start accosting the friend in question. At this point, you have crossed the line from Jealous sideline hater, jealous cause he couldnt get floor seats at the game into the nigga on the JETS who stands on the sideline and trips a player.

Not cool, not cool. Not only are you hating, you are also letting it be KNOWN that you are spearheading a movement of maliciousness. Those ugly ass bootlegged "Hi Hater" shirts? Yeah. They were talking about you , you Maino looking bitch. You my friend, are the Crabgrass on an otherwise healthy lawn.

-Taka Flaka


Always Accepting Another's Awful Advice has led to tumultuous fall of many a great empire..imagine what it could do to your raggedly little relationship. Actually, you dont even have to imagine it. Just think of your last failed relationship and the "advice" your chickenhead friends gave you right before it turned sour. Correlation? Yep, thought so.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm no relationship guru but I will say this: Your single friends are single for a reason. You wouldnt ask someone who's unemployed for advice on how to interview successfully, now would you? Hindsight is always 20-20, so I'm sure now you can see that your friend's bad advice was probably a combination of her secretly and unknowingly wanting her "single chickenhead homegirl / hang out at clubs/ complain about their being no good men" buddy back and her own terrible conclusions drawn from bad relationships. "If God wanted another bitch all up in your relationship, he would've given man 2 dicks so he could smash you both."

-ShowRocka H. Christ


Bitches Believe that they're better being single simply because betrayal of their best friend seems blasphemous. Can't blame em. We men do the same thing... we holla "bros over hoes" and usually hate our boys gf for the first month. The outlier in this equation, however, is the power of the pussy. Men, being the carnal creatures we are, will not really listen to what our boys or homegirls are saying and not necessarily act upon said recommendations.

Why? Because our boys aren't fucking us (No homo squared.) Acceptable advice which we may take heed to is "Shes a gold digger", "She smashed the homies" or "She's burnin." Other than that, we will simply not bring her around our boys until they start acted cordial. No big deal, more alone time to get up in them pink cookies in a plastic bag (LL Cool J Vagina Reference...Licks Lips...Pause.) Women, on the other hand, listen to their friends because they do everything together, even pee. They know that on the off chance the nigga isnt shit, it'll be her hating ass friends (and unnecessarily gay homeboy) helping you raise your baby and buy him overly expensive, coonish baby J's. Smh.

-Wja3 the BL-O.G.

S: Stop it 5.

We get it. every girl on the planet see's Kloe Kardasian get married on the Entertainment channel, you see hoes on honeymoons on episodes of Bridezillas (pause). You want that for yourself. You even see your girl with the baby daddy in jail while she spends his drug money and get jealous.

Jealousy is a natural human trait. Managed effectively it can motivate you to get out and do better for yourself....strive for the things you are so envious of. Instead, however, women who truly "can't accept" being single, fall into crab mentality, and no i dont mean they pull you back in the bucket. We're NHB here and we're way more clever than that. These single friend females fall into Latch onto your vagina hairs and make it so uncomfortable that you eventually concede to their demands.


The itch you can't scratch isn't the "itch to be single" it's the "itch to be reunited with your girls...the same girls who stood by you talking shit about the last friend who branched out and formed a relationship.

Our advice? Keep listening to your friends and falling into the C.R.A.B trap. It makes for fun weekends in Miami, great youporn videos and a full house in 'Marvin's Room.' Sheeeeiiit, if your gonna be slutting it out, might as well do it as a unified front of single super hoes. Good work ladies....let me get those capes for you (in my gentlemanly voice. )



MW said...

The Beauty of O.P.E.N. Relationships

Often overrated one-partner paradigms persist in extinguishing emphatically the newness of near-nuptial nastiness. In short: sex with one person gets boring.

What is enduring is love and companionship. But romance wanes, and stability waxes: comfort grows and the excitement settles. But you still want to fuck. Fuck as many people as your appetite demands. Some of us are greedy.

I want my cake and I eat it too. And I save a piece in the fridge for later. I--unlike some of Showrocka's potential targets--require no feeder, and despite my sweet tooth, let's say the cake is dirty sex and the frosting is-- well, you get the idea.

Does being open work? Kind of. But so does being single. Kinda. As does being monogamous (often a misnomer for two-person exclusivity, if we bother to learn our Greek roots [not a cheap Athens remake of the Kunta Kinte saga]).

Jealousy? Sure. But who isn't jealous of people in the game of love and sex, sometimes. Even when one isn't directly involved. Haters gonna hate: so said a T-shirt I saw at the "urban" mall in Philadelphia (a multipronged description of the colorfully-populated Gallery).

So, singles: enjoy it. Make sure that cock is wrapped up and plumb the squishy depths of carnality. Just don't hate on professed lovers. Couples: be happy and discover new things together. Buy a book about SM or something. And don't lord your couplehood over your single friends.

Insatiable reprobates like me: give me a high-five for your commitment to the bit. Just wash your hands first, please.

Show said...

Even after a prolonged hiatus, MW doesn't miss a beat. He's my literary advisor as well as a whore....pause. I dont want you thinking he's my whore. LOL

Clara S. Montanez said...

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Candy Crush 762