Monday, June 27, 2011

Black Heroes vs. Black Villains: Episode 1

C4 back! C4 back! Blogosphere screaming that C4 back!

Nappy friends, I begin with an apology. Been a long time since I've been regularly featured here, and that's my bad. My writer's block and lack of inspiration have led to an unprecedented prolonged absence. FEAR NOT! Like I said in the first line, I'm back, and you'll be seeing a lot of me this summer so get used to it, bitches!!!

About the title, though. A lot of time has passed since black history month when we learned that Martin Luther King freed the slaves and rescued Obama from a remote jungle mosque in Africa (KIDDING!), so your Friendly Neighborhood Blog Killah has decided to highlight some less prominent but all important heroes in our community; and perhaps more importantly, to identify the villains in our midst posing as heroes, offering damnation apples to our naked, ignorant asses (see Eve, Bible).

Adam will be so surprised...

I like to end positively, so let's start with today's villain, shall we? This vile, wretched, sinister son of a bitch preys upon the weak, the ignorant, the vulnerable, and pretends he is a friend to them. He plays his part so well most have never suspected his true intentions, but my NappyVision detects the snakes in the grass. Black Enemy #1 is none other than...


That's right, people. Montel Williams is out to get you.

Tako: nah son not my nigga Montel! That's my mans! He drops knowledge at 10am, smokes weed proudly, and has a bad white wife. He's the American dream!!!

This is how he gets you. "Trust me, I'm wise. I'm older, but hip to your issues. I'm a father, a husband (and you see how MILFtastic my wife is?! You see how I'm living, nig-GA?!?! Excuse me, I mean...). I'm empathetic and sympathetic. I give tough love. I smoke medical marijuana (for my multiple sclerosis only, I swear!), and most importantly, I got your back. I'm Montel, you can trust me."

Nah nigga. Cuz the next thing out of Montel's mouth, during the commercial break, is the following question.

You're all like, "Hell yeah, I could always use an extra stack! Thanks Montel, I always knew you had my back."

Then Montel's like, "Gotcha bitch!"

For you see, Nappy Friends, Money Mutual will lend you $1000, and debit your bank account on your next payday for $1149.00 ($149.00 fee).

Legal loan sharking, plain and simple. And of course yo broke ass can't spare that $1149, you didn't have the first G to begin with. Now you're fucked. The slippery slope down into financial ruin has ensnared another hapless uneducated victim. You ain't got no job! You're watching morning talk shows. This commercial aired between DeVry and Lincoln Tech, and will appear again after a shady law office and an advertisement about patenting your invention.

So now you're pissed cuz you can't enroll at Everest College and get your associate's (read useless) degree, cuz you blew Montel's money making it precipitate over the posterior of some trollop named Bambi, wondering, "Why you gotta do me like that, Montel?"

I'll tell you why. Montel is broke his damn self. Word. Him and his wife have been leaned on by the IRS in the form of a $1,000,000 tax lien, AND he pays $18,700 a month in child support to his ex-wife. So what's a nigga do when the man is taxing him (literally and figuratively)? He hustles.

Need a juicer?

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Need a LOAN?

I think I saw Montel breakdancing in the subway and selling M&M Peanuts on the side too. Montel is hustling harder than a Jamaican crackhead, and so should you. Get a job, find a trade, and work the system. Don't let the system, or Montel Williams, work you. And don't believe any QUICK MONEY RIGHT NOW IT'S SO EASY ads. Drug dealers and pimps use the same lines.Never trust a bald-headed nigga with hoop earrings and that obnoxious ass skinny goatee with the extra thin line connecting from the soul patch area. It screams, "I'm a douche bag!"

And our hero this week? J.J. Barea.

Yeah I know he's not even black. But he's living the life that every black man (or man, period) would love to live. He's the rare NBA player who is of normal height and below average face recognition. Listed at 6ft, really like 5'10", Barea just won an NBA championship with the Dallas Mavericks, and is dating the Puerto Rican former Miss Universe, Zuleyka Rivera.

Yeah her.

That's right. He does a track with Rick Ross and he's officially the Black American Dream. Possessing the name J.J., an NBA championship, and vaginal rental of the consensus baddest boricua on the planet, all while still appearing normal enough that you wouldn't recognize him on the street makes J.J. Barea the official NappyHeadedBros Black Hero of the Week. I salute you, J.J.

Stay Nappy My Friends,



Rock said...

Great Commentary on Montel. JJ? Eh. I feel like you dropped the ball on that. Title should've went to Carmello for his acquisition of La-La, boku money, and the ability to still keep it hood (Stop Snitchin Dvd). That's just my opinion...and by default, Tako's too. Wja3 will probably back you up though.

Pimpin Pab said...

So our we gonna have a weekly hero and villain?