Monday, May 16, 2011

How many she has and what it means...

"Men Lie, Women Lie...Numbers Don't" --Jay Z




Today we came up with the idea of the best ways to judge a book by its cover. Children, dress codes, choices in meals....all these things provide essential and valuable information about that girl you glanced at across the room. Pay close attention.


Let's play the numbers game to rate potential mates and see how they add up, shall we?


Babies:



1:

If she's been married and was married before she was pregnant this was probably planned. Awwwwwww. The culmination of a lovely union, too bad it didn't work out. His loss your gain. If it wasn't planned, you can consider it an honest mistake from which she learned a valuable lesson all the while catering to her maternal instincts. Will she have another child with you once you all are settled? Possibly, as most women don't consider 1 child the stopping absolute stopping point. It is possible, however, that she realizes she's not cut out for that motherhood shit and doesnt want anymore. Either way, you'll know this all up front so two thumbs up.

2:

Where's the picket fence and the dog Ma? Either she realizes that she does like being a mother and the joys that come with it, or shes too stupid to learn from her mistake and use a condom. You will easily be able to tell which category she falls into from the beginning. If she was lacking ambition and just having babies cause its easier than working, she'd have at least 3...you're safe in that department homie.

3:

Dangerous ground. I she Mormon? Against birth control? Maybe she just wants a large family. Does she work? If she does this may be a sign that she is important...3 family medical leaves for pregnancy and they haven't found a bullshit excuse to fire her ass? Oh, she may be a keeper. If she doesn't have a job, however, she may be a habitual welfare recipient. You can't live in the house with her or she will lose benefits, FYI.

Baby daddies:



1:

Not better than zero, but Cool.

2:


Eh, you're pushing it ma.

3:

Too much drama...Storm Advisory. The Whorecast is predicting a high chance of Ho-Showers.



Bumps on her lip:




1:

She removed a piercing. She has a wild side yet realizes it's not OK to work a professional job with face metal. She's the female equivalent of the guy with a tattooed sleeve under his 3 piece suit. I want to fuck her. She's hot. She's smart. She's a very freaky girllllllllllllll. (Rick James Voice).

2:

She has a mustache and is frugal enough to try and wax or pluck it herself. She's the tortoise in this race, slow and steady...built for long walks on the beach, passionate love making and sound financial decisions. She is the wifey. She's also probably latin cause (or a minority of some sort) cause yall bitches be havin moustaches real talk! She's a real woman...and while real women have curves...they also have hair.


3+:

Herpes, small pox or Acne covered pizza face.


Chins:



1:

A regular girl, or Benz straight off the lot. Will require more maintenance but is worth it for the aesthetic appeal.


2:

A fixer upper. Somewhat chubby, but destined for improvement because even chubby chasers aren't attracted to a fat face. This is for the guy who believes in the potential in his woman yet who likes a little bit of extra cushin for the pushin. I'm a number 1-2 guy myself. Don't judge me.

3:

Ummmmm....so you really gonna eat that 2nd Whopper? No self control. Probably will look for skinny or attractive men with no job. If you're looking for a sugar mama, this is the way to go. Feed her ego and belly when she keeps your pockets full and mentally break her down, calling her a worthless no good bitch that no one will want but you when she forgets to give you allowance. :) I know, I'm going to hell.


Pairs of Jordans:




1:

She's grown-up but kinda hood...or at the very least urban. She keeps her shoes clean , meaning she doesn't wear them much, or she'd need more pairs. A girl with no sneakers is obviously a posh little fucker. Unless you too are posh or super preppy / bougie, I'd leave that alone. A 1 jordan girl, however, is the people's champ. The all important mix coveted by men across the globe. We salute you.


2:

Indecisive. Not quite a committed hoodrat or tomboy, yet can't settle on one Hood shoe to define her. Expect her to order 2 entrees at TGI Friday's and to drink your bread. You're life will be expensive. You will have a boy and a girl (or Siamese twins, or 1 who turns transsexual), a car and an SUV, and possibly a summer and winter home. Good luck....chuck.

3:

Unless you are a women's basketball coach, GROW THE FUCK UP. There's no need to have that many pair of Pseudo-athletic shoes as a woman. You aren't gonna convince me you go to the gym in 3 different pairs of J's. Airmax, maybe...but with those titties and that ass it's clear you haven't worked out in some time...I'm not mad at that, but step your shoe game up please. You'll thank us for it later.


Heels:




1:

Ummmm. 1 pair of heels? What are you 12? Does this chick even have a job? If she does, I'm sure its not in an office. I understand the politics of "comfort", but if you don't at least have a pair of black and brown, like what are you really doing with your life? You obviously don't immerse yourself in many formal situations eh? Unless you work construction you should probably invest in another pair before you expect we'll invest in you. Side note: High leather hooker boots do not count older black women...since I know you love those Wilson's and Coach boots so fucking much.

2:

A sensible chick, if you like the "pretty, smart, semi-plane jane" girl. She knows that heels are often necessary but would probably prefer flats. She also would rather spend money on something more practical. Expect her to dress up nice on special occasions but pretty much look like a tomboy or a cute frazzled bedazzled mess around the house. I once dated one of these. It's not a problem if you aren't a fancy schmancy boogie type guy. If you are one of those ildris abla shoe boot wearing dudes, you should upgrade to a 3+ heeler.


3+:

Oh shes fancy huh? She'll have heels in all Flavas (colors) and for any occasion. She's a "Bad bitch." Keep her if you are into dime pieces and dont care about them always being late, taking forever to get ready and not wanting you to pull their hair during doggystyle sex. I guess its really just a personal preference. I've had a few "3+ Heelers". It was fun, they were gorgeous, but I don't think I'm cut out for all that flash. I'm flashy enough myself. LOL.


Credit Cards:



1:

A Good girl who understands the importance of building credit, yet is aware of her own penchant for shopping and does not want her lines of extended credit to spiral out of control. She is on the right track...unless of course that card is maxed out, in which case, she is still being responsible enough not to open a new account. She's a keeper as she has the right qualities to me molded, or which will eventually begin to bud on their own. The seeds of financial knowledge have been planted. Fertilize her. LOL.


2: A good girl with a little more monetary freedom. She probably balances her check book, is aware of her running monthly balance and thinks about the big picture. One card is most likely for big ticket items, while the other for daily expenses. She's a bit savvier than the 1 carder and more worldly. She understands the value of earning credit card points, yet understands that buying gas with cash is 10 cents a gallon cheaper, and she realizes that the minority men she deals with may not have change at the barbershop...and we all know nigga barbershops only take cash. Straight cash.


3+:

This could go either way. See where the cards are from and make your decision to smash or not to smash as an educated consumer. Are any of her cards Rushcards, Baby Phat or any coon shit like that? Drop her like a miscarriage. Is each Card for a different store? If so, look at the store...Old Navy, GAp, Walmart, Saks Fifth? The bitch is all over the place. She's easily persuaded and lacks discipline. Are a few regular Visa or Master card with an American Express thrown in and a Vicky's secret card? Oh she's a keeper and she takes pride in caring for herself while pleasing her man. I'd take a gamble on Ma.


Cell Phones:



1:


Nothing out of the ordinary there. Most people have cell phones these days, even impoverished welfare recipients and bad ass little kids. I swear they offer free government assistance cell phones I'm not even shitting you. Beware, however...if a girl only has one cell phone, she is an actual adult and it's pre-paid, this is a sign of poor decision making, bad credit, or too many phones in her baby daddy's name. It could also be a sign that you only have the number to her boost phone and are a fucking idiot for believing her "iphone charger" is for an ipod touch and not a secret phone. You ever seen that bitch jogging? Then what the fuck she need an ipod touch for? exactly.

2:

Since most girls these days are savvy enough to cheat without two phones, and are not into drug dealing I'd say the "two phoners" are the keepers (Unless one phone is a boost mobile, cricket or pocket wireless...see above.) The iphone-blackberry or double blackberry woman shows that she's important enough to have a work phone, yet responsible enough not to keep all her nasty texts and buttnekked flicks on a traceable electronic medium. = Lady in the streets, freak in the bed, peer at the bank...or sugar mama. I could live with either.


3:

Excuse me? 3 phones? If a bitch has 3 phones, 2 probably don't work and one probably works intermittently (that means sometimes.) DUMP HER. She's probably the type to change her number once a month (because some ex, baby father or stalker from the club) wont take a hint. Here's a hint, stop givin errrrybody your god damned number. 3 phones is also a bad credit indicator as one phone is probably a t-mobile, one is an AT&T, and one a verizon. I almost 100% guarantee one of these non-working phones has a past due balance and shut off notice. Also, here's a cliff notes tip: T-mobile girls have substantially lower credit, Verizon girls are at the top of the pyramid. You're welcome.

-Bros

2 comments:

Alovelydai said...

Love this post!! The one kid part was spot on! And I've never met anyone in real life with more than one cell phone. That's crazy to me.

akere said...
This comment has been removed by the author.