Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How many HE has and what it means...

People said my last post was catered towards men...see below for response...

The other day we did a post entitled "How many she has and what it means", about the best ways to judge a book by its cover. If you haven't read it, you should. It's listed right underneath this post and was rated over 5+ coontastic stars.

Obviously, at the request of the ladies, and by the ladies I mean La Rubia, since the rest of you hoes never comment, I am providing a 2nd, corresponding blog entitled "How many HE has and what it means." Swag swag.

Drinks at the bar:

Tako: Is that you Show? Or 860 Black Guy?

Show: Fuck you.


A perfectly nice guy who embraces sobriety and chooses to enjoy the blessings God has bestowed upon him without the clouded judgement which comes with poisoning his brain cells. Yea right. Everybody drinks...except the following subsets of people: Muslims, Mormons, Jews during Passover (though they do go heavy on the Manochevitz & Ciroc), Recovering Alcoholics and people on PROBATION (usually for DUI...) oh yea, and EXTREMELY broke niggas...and weed heads. Yep. If he's not wearing a Kufi or other Muslim attire, steer clear of him. Now I could be wrong and he could've had a friend or relative die from drunk driving or a family history of alcoholism, but if that happens, consider yourself lucky for having missed out...who wants a man with all that baggage. LOL.


A one drink nigga is important. Sure he realizes that it's not cool to drive drunk, thereby making him responsible, but he also has OTHER shit to do besides drinking. He is the type who is dependable (he'll show up to show his face even if he has better things to do) as well as strong willed (I know i couldnt just have one drink and walk away.) Some may call him a prude or party pooper, others may dig his sophisticated scotch on the rocks swag. It's a matter of preference. He likes to keep a clear head and the attention will be on you, rather than the obnoxiously inattentive bartender with her bottle opener unsanitarily stuffed in her sweaty cleavage like that shit's supposed to be sexy. I'll open my own beer ho.


Could be a fratboy with a high alcohol tolerance, could be a raging drunk who beats his wife. Let him buy you a drink and come back. If he hasn't stalked you around the club, doesnt have a mullet, and is 3 drinks deep and relatively sober when you come back, he's a "party favor", the perfect companion for a party girl. Check to ensure 3 drinks doesnt turn into 8, and if it does, you may still be cool if he orders a cab. He's showing responsibility, a wild side, and that hes a man of means...cause sheiiiiit....drinks arent cheap. If you want excitement, he's your guy.

Dogs (Because if he has a cat he may be on the downlow):


Perfectly normal. Probably well dressed as no one with an Armani suit wants fuckin dog hair all over it. No real red flag indicators here unless of course you are an avid animal lover or crazy cat lady. If thats the case, a simple "do you like pets" will suffice. If he was gay he and his partner would have a yorkie or something, duh.


Who the fuck has one dog? I'll tell you who does...Families. Now, why would a single man have just one dog? You have to come home and give up a transitory lifestyle to come care for it, so why not have more? Because the dog probably wasn't his idea. Men with 1 dog have recently gotten out of relationships and still have the "shared dog." Why doesnt the girl have the dog? Here's the important part. Him holding onto the dog means, A.) He's selfish and malicious and really just wants to get back at her, b.) its an excuse for her to visit and he really wants to get back with her or c.) he loves the dog and is having sex with it. lol. Stay away from 1 dog men.


Here's your guy. Real niggas have two dogs so that their dogs can have company...or fight...or breed, thereby making dough. See? You've got a smart, money minded tough guy with a compassionate side. Keep him. As caring for a pet is like the poor man's (or smart man if you ask me)'s version of caring for a child, you can judge his caring nature and sense of dedication to a loved one through his interactions. You also know he wont be too bougie or he wouldn't stand for having smelly dogs in the house...cause no matter how well you groom your dogs, they're gonna stink at some point. Just make sure he keeps a clean house, and if he beats the dog everyday, I suggest you buy multiple pairs of dark shades and practice saying "Oh, I ran into a doorknob."

Cell Phones:

(See below post on women and apply same rules...only difference is, guys with 3+ phones are drug dealers as well...or rappers)



I aint talkin about ties to the community nigga. I could give a fuck if this nigga's a flight risk...I'm not the prosecuting attorney. I'm talkin about silk ties, professional shit that goes wit a nice buttondown shirt (without a fitted hat, and IN YOUR CORRECT SIZE.) If he doesnt have not 1 tie he is a career thug...drug dealer...criminal...take your pick. Even other non-white collar professionals have ties. Cops wear workers and firemen at the very least have to go to banquets and dinners where you must have a tie. Not having 1 tie means that YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN in a "tie situation..." because if you had, you would've at least "borrowed" a tie. We all know noone EVER gets a borrowed tie back, so this is proof he's never been. Not only is he lacking a legit job...he also has no intention of going on an interview to get one. This is the type of nigga that wears an airbrushed black T-shirt with an R.I.P button to a funeral.


Well, at least he's trying. He may not be the corporate lawyer of your dreams, but he's savvy enough to know that there are situations in life where you cant wear jeans and a hoody. While he chooses a different path for his life, this is completely OK. Not everyone is meant for the "desk-top- life-style- might- dont- make- it" (Gucci Mane voice.) A tie shows knowledge of what is and is not acceptable in different settings as well as a willingness to conform when necessary. The opposite, aka the "I'm not wearing no tie for the man" type, will be the same nigga in the unemployment line. If you like a hardworking man and arent mezmorized by the glamour and glitz of fancy bourgeoisie parties and high end fashion, a 1-tie brotha may be for you...unless its a bowtie....then he's a professor or a frickin wierdo.


Most guys fall in this range, be they professionals or just niggas with good fashion sense, so be careful. You will find both good guys and losers in this category i.e) niggas who have 4 ties to wear to different clubs 4 nights a week. Here's a rule of thumb, More pairs of Air Force 1's than ties = bad, More ties than Jesus pieces = OK. Extra points if he unties the knots after taking them off, or if the wears said ties with various different knots. He's fancy. You better suck his dick well or another fancy ho will reap the benefits of said labor.



Loser. Just kidding. A guy with no girlfriends whom you meet out and about either a.) got out of a long relationship and hasn't had time yet to accumulate a collection of girls, b.) has easy access to sex and therefore no need for a girlfriend, or c.) hasn't yet found the right girl. Either way, the zero girlfriend guy is a keeper because he still holds value in the term "girlfriend." Sure he may be entertaining hoes as many single men do, but he realizes the difference and hopefully when he settles down, he'll deem you worthy of his complete undivided attention. He doesn't call just anyone his girlfriend and doesnt jump into interpersonal relationships within a few minutes just to get pussy. He's well seasoned and has learned many lessons...or he's actually a fuckin loser. If he has a job, isn't Shabba Ranks ugly and doesnt smell like Superhead's toothbrush, you can rest assured he's probably not a loser.


A one Gf man should be theory. But wait, why the fuck is he talking to you then?

That's some foul shit and you are the most vile type of street urchin for even talking to him. I bet you say things like "It's not my fault she can't keep him happy" and "As long as he's good to me , he can go home to her every night and she can have my leftovers." You my cheri amour are a Heaux (pronounced HOE!) Yep, I just made this about you. He aint shit though.


Now, ignore the fact that a 2 gf guy had to start off as a 1 gf guy who picked up a prospect in the NFL Bitches draft. 2 Gf guys are keepers. They're honest. They let it be known that casual dating is...well....casual dating. It is possible to have feelings for more than 1 person and he chooses to indulge in the revelry of such. There's no crime in having a few girlfriends just so long as they arent SERIOUS and you arent lying to them all. A 2+ gf guy is perfect man for anyone trying to see what life has to offer. He likes to indulge and enjoys the company of women he truly cares about rather than random street hoes. Maybe he likes you for one reason and her for another. As long as everyone knows their role this is the ideal situation until the time is right for unabashed commitment and dedication to the one. He's bold enough to challenge the status quo and do what he feels in his heart. Ladies. Keep him over...and he's yours for life.

Don't say we never gave you ladies the warning signs. Pow pow.


1 comment:

La Rubia said...

LMFAO! My ex was a one dog man! Ewwww! Where was this post 6 years ago? Damnit!

Great post, I was expecting a "baby mamas" section, though....can it really be complete without one? Love it!