Tuesday, May 24, 2011

All I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Martin

No one gives a fuck about my stalled Rap career, as evinced by yesterday's blog numbers, so I'm back to blogging.

You've seen this poster, just as I'm sure you've heard white people quote the following saying: "All I really needed to know i learned in Kindergarten."

I always tend to divide things upon racial lines, but the kindergarten thing goes for black people too. Eating snacks and shitty food right before "Nap time" prepared me for a potential lifetime of poor dieting choices, hypertension and of course the dreaded" Itus." Playing games like hide and seek and duck duck goose prepared me for a lifetime of chasing hoes.

Story time taught us that we'd forever be fed fairytales which contradict with the reality we see outside, and making arts and crafts projects, Dioramas in particular, taught us that no matter how hard we tried, our eyes would always be glued to "the box." Fuck.

One thing that kindergarten didn't teach us, however, is where we would learn the rest of life's important lessons. If wasn't until 23 years later that I discovered the answer to this question, but I now have, and can articulate it. Fuck Kindergarten, everything I really needed to know I learned from watching Martin.

Constantly Harassing people means you really like them:

Interpersonal relationships between Martin and Pam showed that even though much of their discourse centered on a barrage of mutual insults, in the end, they'd do anything for each other. Think about this and its relationship to your own life. You constantly cut on your boys (or "roast " them as whites would say) but its only because you love them. There's something to be said about people who can insult each other to the point of anger, yet not fuck each other up or sever friendships and say, "Get the steppin (Martin voice)".

Even if you do tell them to chuck the duces, you'll probably be chillin with them again tomorrow. Taking this a step further, harassing a girl usually means you like her to some extent. Look at how Tommy used to cut on Pam and eventually ended up smashing...now think of the girl you used to tease in grade school and how it was really because you liked her. It's true. If you didnt like her, you wouldnt even bother to deal with her...like, for instance, the way you do your baby mama.

Bad Chicks Come in All Shades and Hues:

In the same way that the 2009 wierdo coalition chose sides in the Twilight saga choosing Team Edward or Team Jacob, people were loyal to either team Pam or team Gina.

Nonetheless, it would not be disputed that both were quintessentially, "Bad chicks." Gina was high yellow and pretty while pam was thick as a latin accent. Martin and Ginas relationship prepared us for a lifetime of choosing women with white girl complexions and features as a substitute for interracial dating (before it became acceptable) , at the same time that Pam was teaching us the politics of black on black love. Martin taught us how to catch jungle fever as well as how to appreciate the curved road which led to our African queens.

Niggas with no Job will NEVER admit it:

Tommy. Everybody knew this nigga had no legit job, but what did he do? CLAIM that he went to work each day...at a building no one ever saw, and for a company no one ever heard of.

Real talk. We all know a nigga who's "on his grind." But who seems to be seen at hours incompatible with having a job. YET, this person always keeps money. Drug dealer? Pimp? Male escort? Inheritance? Who knows. We just gonna call him a Tommy.

Always Help Other black people in Need:

It's no secret that black people, when surrounded by a multitude of ethnicities, tend to gravitate towards other blacks. Its not a racist thing, but more for the comfort of a shared experience. Enter the politics of "Bruh Man."

Yep. This nigga was intrusive, coonish and always unannounced, but Martin always let him make a "Sammich." Why, might you ask? Because thats what niggas do. One day you may need him to do something for you. Take this a step further. When Martin needed some last minute, bootleg version of something, who'd he call? Bruh man, or his cousin Hustle man.

Ladies and gentleman, we were officially taught about the existence of the "Black" market (Christopher Lee Rios intended...pun) and the art of the Hook Up. Thanks Marti-mard.

Shorty Springer's Final Thought:

With the cast of ridiculously unforgettable characters and the hilarity of most episodes aside, Martin was the Goat black TV show because we could relate to it. While the huxtables showed us a side of America must of us weren't living in, and a level of affluence of which many of us still haven't risen to, Martin showed us ALL black people on the spectrum.

Be it the old heads like Jerome, the hoodrats like shenene, the niggas in coogis like cole, or the smooth dressed niggas with no job like Tommy, we learned that black people are...well....colorful. No wonder they called us colored. JK. THAT WAS A JOKE, LAUGH HO. In the end we can at least say we learned something while laughing rather than simply putting on a modern day minstrel show. Take it for what it is, my opinion. Don't agree? Go eat a rape kit.


For more Martin Analysis from the Bros, Click here -------> ; Man's Ruin: A Sociological Study of Martin and Gina (May, 2009) . You can thank us later as you watch Martin with a new renewed eye for detail and more sophisticated mind frame. Pow Pow.

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