Monday, April 4, 2011

Vagina Twix: Two For Me, None For You

Two for me...

None for you.

C4's been away from your door for far too long, Nappy Family. Unprecedented writer's block and un-inspiration have kept me away from you for much of the year, and for that I apologize. If you're happy to have me back you have the infamous Lu-Deezy of to thank, for blessing me with a Gawker article that was simply too ridiculous not to comment on.

So here's the deal, as written by Maureen O'Connor.

Now that TLC has pulled back the curtain on women who eat toilet paper, women who eat sofas, women who don't know they're pregnant, women who are obsessed with puppets, and women who field dress moose, what strange tribe of exotic females will the intrepid cable network feature next?

A woman with two vaginas, and another with no vagina? Yes, that will do.

The LINK! (cuz we can't embed the video) features clips from TLC's upcoming Strange Sex series, which debuts on Sunday at 10PM EST. It will feature a woman with two vaginas ("like a double-barrel shotgun") and another with no vagina, thus raising a critical question: Would you rather have two vaginas or no vagina? Before you answer, take note: Two-vagina lady also has two periods. They are not simultaneous. [TLC]

Got the embed code for the two-pussy chick but apparently no one cares about the one with no pussy to let her shine on TV, LOL!

OK, nevermind. Found it, but it took some extended research!


Whew. Oh man. I'm going to hell happy. Fellas, we finally have a hilarious reason to watch TLC. This entire series is full of shit that is simultaneously funny as hell, sad, weird, and with so many jokes readily available they HAD to put it on TLC, just so somebody would take the serious approach to these stories: which only makes them funnier. I of course have not seen the full episodes, so I decided to personally interview these "women" on behalf of Well, I decided to pretend to interview them, and will provide the questions and answers, were I to really ask, and if the interviewee were to keep it 100. First, Kelly, of two-vagina fame.

C4: Hi, Kelly. Great to have you on NappyHeadedBros. First things first, do you mind if I call you Two-Cunt?

Kelly: That is offensive beyond words.

C4: Fair enough. Now, as I understand from the piece, your two-pussy is like a double-barrel shotgun, and one is "dominant." Would you describe your "dominant" vagina as particularly loose?

Kelly: I mean, it seems about normal size to me. It's the one I'd prefer to use for intercourse.

C4: But does a guy ever say to you: "hey bitch, lemme hit that tiiiiiny pussy, though!"

Kelly: Yes, with those exact words actually. His name was Tako. It worked because he's Asian and, you know...

C4: hehehehe, I see. But essentially, one could give you "the shockers," just in your vagina, without even engaging your anus.

Kelly: Yes, C4. Two in the pink, one in the other pink. No stink. I feel like I really have it covered with my double-vagina. Unless you're gonna use another hand also.

C4: Like Aaliyah, you're "More Than A Woman," huh?

Kelly: That's actually my favorite song. That and Monica's "Don't Take It Personal." It often tends to be "just one of those days."

C4: Your periods must suck worse than anything in the world, though. How graphic is your crime scene.

Kelly: Tampons are obsolete to me. I waste a half a roll of Bounty every two weeks.

C4: Two weeks?!

Kelly: My periods don't come at the same time, so yeah. If I want sex I've gotta schedule it pretty carefully.

C4: Gross. Well thank you for your time. And here's Showrocka's number. It was his birthday yesterday.

Kelly: Oh I know who he is. And I'll never forgive him for what he did in me.

Show: I was wasted, it was my birthday! RACKS ON RACKS ON RACKS!!!

Now on to Fransis, aka the most unfortunate person ever to be born.

C4: So Fransis, it's safe to say you take it in the butt, right?

Fransis: I have a boyfriend, don't I?

C4: True that. Was that the first question he asked, once he was certain that you were serious about your pussylessness, and not just trying to front on the mu-shu?

Fransis: Actually, he asked me if I could deepthroat.

C4: And...

Fransis: I have a boyfriend, don't I?

C4: I like your style. I mean, your head game must be crazy, in order to keep a man and make him love you. Like, on top of having no pussy, you're fat.

Fransis: It's true, C4. My boyfriend playfully calls me "Super-Duper-Head." I can basically blow him and lick taint simultaneously.

C4: Nice! I feel like you must be willing to do unspeakable things.

Fransis: Yeah. It's a cruel world out there, a girl's got to adapt. With my vaginal disadvantage, the only way to get someone to put his face anywhere near my clitoris is by reciprocating things found only in the dark corners of the internet.

C4: Way to know your lane and own it. There's a lot of kinky sex in your future. That's all the time we have folks. Reporting live from NappyHeadedNews, I'm C4 2 Ya Door.


wyntergirl said... in 15 minutes of fame for a certified TLC Freak Show Membership! Glad you're back!

Elliott said...

There needs to be a foundation started to prevent the horrors of pussylessness from touching the lives of more young women. We should be able to text $10 to NoPussy from any mobile phone.