Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Easter bunny, the Toothfairy and the single mom who kept it 100

There are tons of things which don't exist...the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and the Single mother who keeps it 100 are just the first three I could think of.

: Oh lord, here comes the backlash.

All I'm saying is that what you hear, may not always be the way things are truly going down. That being said, I've taken a dive deep into the minds of these three aforementioned mythological creatures so you can see what I'm talking about. Enjoy.

What we hear:

Cheers, hooray! Easter is here! A joyous occasion for all as over sized Easter bunnies spread warmth and cheer, all the while causing smiles for the little ones. Corporate sponsored Easter egg hunts, yellow marshmallow peeps candy and plastic eggs filled with all types of goodies! Adults have sex, alcohol and the reemergence of the "booty shorts" once the weather gets warm , but children have this one lone spring holiday to run round the maypole (pause), frolic in the grass and create customized baskets for their schoolyard crush. Add a big fluffy bunny presiding over the egg hunting festivities and throwing diddy-esque ad libs (Find that, find that....yea, yea...)and you've got the perfect holiday...ever.

The truth from Raekwon the Rabbit:

Son...they tryin to make us look wild homo out there. I mean, for real? I now understand how those Geico cavemen felt. First of all, Rabbits don't even lay eggs. We're mammals, remember? My mom dukes straight "birthed" me just like your mother did...And I hope they are insinuating that we poop these magical chocolate eggs, because for one, that's fuckin gross and for 2., who's asshole is that loose...other than Mr. Cee's. Make me the host of your festivities and refuse to pay me if you want...see what it gets you. I'll tell you straight up. You'll get a yard full of rabbit shit pellets while I get wasted off what better than "Egg-nog." Take that for ignoring the true spirit of Jesus's Resurrection...you know...the stuff Easter is supposed to be about. (Drops mic.)

What we hear:

. My little kindergartner is losing his baby teeth. Stick it under the pillow and the magical tooth fairy will appear and replace it with a crisp dollar bill (5 if you're rich.) This is such a milestone as it marks the beginning of a transition to adolescence and everyone is happy, joyous and flashing those gap toothed smiles. Que lindo. Images of a fairy in a tutu skirt with a glass wand come to mind as little kids stare in awe and dream of the possibility of their baby teeth turning to money. How capitalist of them :)

The truth from Tito the Toothfairy:

You really aren't supposed to lose your baby teeth until like age six, so if you lose them before, those mutherfuckas are probably rotten. I always thought of my job as sort of like a repo man. I feel like, you have bad hygiene, I am comin to get those valuable porcelain molars...I just leave the cash as consolidation...to help my conscience.

I actually think the "legend" of the tooth fairy is quite absurd. I mean 1.) your telling your kids that someone in a short miniskirt with a "glass" wand will sneak into their bed and give them money for teeth. Sounds like a crack whore to me. Need for teeth? Check. Short skirt? Check. Climbing in windows? Check. I tell my kids just the opposite, "if somebody climbs in your window, knock their teeth out." #Imjustsayin . Follow me on twitter @Titothetoothfairy.

What we hear:

Ever since I had my kid my world changed. I love her more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. I fell like all these aint shit girls out here don't know the responsibilities of motherhood cause they'd rather be out clubbing like hoes or worried about getting and keeping a man. I'm better than that.

I've settled down and while, yeah, I go out once in a blue moon, its a well deserved furlough from the parenting world. Everyone deserves a break. I couldn't stand to be without my baby for days though, because unlike you, I am a mother first. Motherhood was a calling as well as a decision and not something you can turn on and off. I'm dedicated to my child's education, life and betterment because I've matured and reached this stage...maybe one day you will too and can realize this overwhelming sense of joy and peace.

The truth from Selena the Single mother:

He was supposed to pull out and said he did..must've been pre-cum or something, but the end story is I got pregnant. He said he'd stick around and did...up until about month 6 when he couldn't sex me up anymore. Now he get's the kid every other weekend while i struggle during the week. Hardly seems fair. Don't get me wrong, If a co-worker asks i always say "Oh my child is the world to me. Me and his father are working things out" but in my head I'm like "fuck that nigga."

I say all that "motherhood is the best thing in the world shit" because I have to. Would I abort my child if I could rewind time? No. I love him...but do i wish I never got pregnant? Fuck yea. I have all these goals and ambitions that now seem 3x as hard to accomplish, but fuck all that. All my girls are at the club or meeting guys and going on vacations to south beach. Me? I spend half my free time looking for a baby sitter, and the other half trying to find a man who a.) doesn't know my baby's father and b.) doesn't mind me having a child. I love him to death, but am I going to spin you some bullshit story about how i love motherhood? Fuck no. I hate it. I just make the best of the situation for me and my child. Now that's real talk.


1 comment:

khaki la'docker said...