Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bad "Girls" Club

Despite men of different ethnicities, backgrounds and personalities typically having varying tastes in women, a few things are undeniably irrefutable. Beyonce is a bad bitch.

Eva Longoria is a bad bitch.

Lucy Lu is a Bad Bitch.

Pardon my frequent usage of the word bitch...just kidding. What do the aforementioned 3 women have in common? Is it their features? no. Body type? no. Skin complexion? No.

What unites the following three hoes under the united spectrum of bad bitches is that they are famous and on TV. More specifically, what this means is that in order to qualify for the Bad bitch Olympic team, all they have to do is one thing...be extremely pretty and moderately fit. That's it.

The problem with this that average, run of the mill chickenheads seeking to emulate this bad bitch mentality, thinking that by being pretty and confident they too will become bad bitches. WRONG. As these women are all inaccessible...the stuff playboy posters and sticky adolescent socks are made of, they do not and will not have interaction with the general public. They simply have to look good for the camera. You, on the other hand, have to exist in REAL LIFE, where it takes much more to be a bad bitch. See below.

Do you floss? If not, you're a mediocre bitch at best.

You are not bad. Can't be bad with bad breath. Do we care if Halle Berry Flosses? Nope. We don't have to smell her breath.

Do you have children? Not that theres anything wrong with havin your vagina stretched wide enough to fit an infant, but in all honesty, having a baby makes it much harder, though not impossible, to be a bad bitch. All that baby weight had to go somewhere, and even if that somewhere is your tits and ass, I'm sure the remnants of said baby fat or stomach tigerblood stretchmarks are somewhere.

Better do some crunches. Also, nothing sexy about smelling like similac, or canceling dates due to lack of a babysitter. Also, if your kids are bad, dirty or stupid, people tend to think the same about you. Do you attend the gym? This is a big one. Not to say you can't be a very pretty fat girl, but part of being "bad" entails being healthy and looking fit. Fat people who are in better shape than skinny girls, you lose by default. Sorry, I know its not fair, but as consolation I should say an out of shape looking skinny girl (flabby or pot-belly-ish) looks MUCH WORSE.

"Sorry Ke$ha. You Fail horribly."

That being said, girls without perfect bodies can be "pretty", "beautiful" or "sexy" but ya just cant be classified as bad. Sorry, my world , my rules.

Do you have your own house or at the least apartment? There's plenty wrong with living at home once you're grown. Sure it may be a smart and financially savvy decision in the long run, but it still prohibits you from being a bad bitch. Sheeeeiiit...what? you got a curfew? Cant have visitors sit on the plastic couch?

Fuck outa here. Are you a student? Can't be bad. Unless you, of course, also have a full time job. Fact of the matter is...If you aspire to be a bad bitch and have no money, you are just a prostitute waiting to be pimped, a stripper waiting to be managed or a ho in practice. Sorry. While the "girl on TV" is judged as a bad bitch simply by her aesthetic, airbrushed and photoshopped beauty, girls in the real world are judged by more practical standards despite the fact that they may not know it. Having a freak-em dress and "red-bottoms" on may work for Halle Berry, but Halle wont be asking us for rent money if something happens with this weeks check because she has no savings.

While it does seem that even the standards by which we real-world men judge are still materialistic and a bit shallow, I dont deny this. Many will say, what about the girl with the stretch marks who is going to nursing school, has a child, gives you good conversation and basically has her life on track? What about the pretty faced girl with the not so picturesque body? what about the girl with the 401k, dental plan and the like?

These are the things marriages are made of... These are the girls we may ultimately settle down with...These are the girls that...

this post doesnt give a fuck about, because we're talking about bad bitches...and not good women. :)

Transitioning from boyhood to manhood will be the moment when you discover that life is more than attaining the baddest of the bad bitches. Have a bad bitch at age 18 and you are winning. Have a good woman and 18 and you'll probably fuck her over. Have a bad bitch at 30 and she'll probably fuck you over. Have a good woman at 30 and you re winning...duh.

Have a women who is both on in the same and you, my friend...are bi-winning.

I plan on it.



C 4 said...

Instant classic.

khaki la'docker said...

i just remembered why i fell in lust with you :)

NC17 said...

"If you aspire to be a bad bitch and have no money, you are just a prostitute waiting to be pimped, a stripper waiting to be managed or a ho in practice"

church! everyone should read this

Vineeth G. Zillah said...

I should never have seen that stomach pic. Worse, I have mental image burn-in. Still, this was another excellent post