Monday, April 18, 2011
Advice Column: How to ruin His other relationship
Here we gooooooooooooooo (Slick rick voice).
Now I get a lot of shit from women about this blog being mysoginistic and catering towards the male demographic. It's been said that when we do mention females it's to make fun of the small tittied or not so pleasantly plump ones, and praise the promiscuious population of big bosomed beauties.
I'm not gonna deny, affirm nor defend those opinions because hey, they're opinions. This is America not some slum dog, shoeless 3rd world wasteland like India or New Jersey. LOL. I kid, I kid.
What I will do, is offer my expert male services (no homo) to a significant population of women, free of charge. I am going to help you secretly ruin your secret boyfriend's other relationship. Yep, sorry fellas, I'm giving away all the secrets. Why? Because all the shit this is going to start is more entertaining than a man with two wives I dont give a shit about.
Whether or not you are your man's "second girlfriend' (Since noone wants to believe you are a jumpoff), you can use these methods to blow up his spot. If you're girlfriend #1, or his "only gf" he should have nothing to hide, so this wont cause any problem.
The Problem: He won't commit, or bestow "girlfriend privledges" to you because he has another. You may try to inch your way closer to wifey status by leaving clothes, a toothbrush, etc. Men are smart. We know what you're doing. We will allow you to do so, then hide them under sthe sink until the next time you come over. 1 point for the fellas.
The solution: Catch him off guard. In the bed, on the side of the bed, in the bathroom...these are places where we expect things to fall, and or be left. We will shake out the sheets and comforters to make sure no miscellanious earrings, hairclips or thongs exist. Now, the big 5. Follow these rules.
5. Always wear perfume...particularly a strong one which he didn't buy you. He probably bought both his girl's the same kind. His girl probably will notice if the sheets are changed (if they usually aren't.) At the very least, this will make him wash the sheets on a daily basis to prevent the wifey from catching on, and you can be sure you're not sleeping in another gal's juices.
4. When you rip his clothes off, throw his boxers on the side of the bed. Men will check for your stuff but not really pay attention to our own crap. Girlfriends know that Boxers on the side of the bed (especially when still attached to the inside of Pajama pants) = fucking. No guy takes off his boxers in bed just to sleep bucket nekkked.
3. Tampon wrappers.
If you're on the rag, you are probably giving great head. If you're giving great head he is distracted. While a man will never miss an unflushed condom, we don't really check bathroom trash that much (if its not overflowing.) To a woman though, a tampon wrapper will stick out like a sore thumb. Leave one there and say whoops. Sorry fellas, your spot has been blown.
2. Wash cloths. Always volunteer to throw the "just wiped my coochie rag" in the laundry for him, making it seem like you're a good #2 who knows her role. This will make him forget that the rag he used to wipe his junk is still hanging in the bathroom. While more than 1 washcloth isn't a dead giveaway that he's creeping, a girlfriend (who is fucking him raw...well, cause shes wifey) will smell latex a mile away. Unless he's a dentist wearing latex gloves at home, he's busted!!
1. This is a new one, but it's great. Say your phone battery has died and plug your iphone in the computer rather than the wall. If you don't sync, you're information will come up and remain there even if u unplug the phone. It'll say like "Rebecca's iphone." This happened to me once. I gaurantee he will have NO WAY of explaining that. Instant break-up.
Wja3: Especially if his side chick is named "Robert." Ewwwwwwww.
Tako: Wowwwwwwwwww You are such a snitch Show.
C4: Or a genius for actually giving us the sly tips to look out for.
Wja3: I picked up on that too, but now you C4 are the snitch for making women aware of the ploy.
C4: Whoops. It's tako's fault. You can't throw out the term "Snitch" all will-nilly.
In the end these tips will help you ruin a perfectly unhealthy relationship anyway...because if it was healthy, he wouldnt be cheating. What these tips will not do, however, is gaurentee he will a.) not fuck you up and b.) decide to come to you since his other girl left him. I say hey, fuck it though...it's worth a try.
Onward ladies! You've got work to do.