Friday, January 28, 2011

A Single man's thought's on marriage

Yea I took a few days off, so sue me. It was snowing so ummmmmm....I couldn't drive to the computer in my livingroom. LOL. Anyways , I'm back with some thought provoking artistry.


Based on empirical observations made, all married men seem to be caught in a paradoxical "I love my wife yet she incessantly checks up on me and limits my free time with others, thereby slowly eating away at my sanity" situation. In a nutshell marriage is like Stockholm syndrome. You are in a prison of sorts, yet you love your captor and don't leave despite the available opportunities. Most older married men will tell you "I love my wife, but don't get married" or at the very least "Don't get married young...enjoy your youth , have fun." This is insinuating that marriage does not = fun.

The problem with these observations, however, is that people still get married. The reason being? In some cases money or convenience, but in most All that family honor and doing the right thing shit died back with coat hanger abortions.

If you love someone and they love you back to the same degree, you'll marry them...eventually.

NOW. The groundwork has been set. Here's how men really think about this marriage shit.


Hmmmmm. Is she the one? How do I know. Ok, lets hit up the checklist.

1. Can I see myself having sex with her and only her (with the occasional stripclub handjob or BJ being the only other female contact I may have forever?)

2. Is she sexy enough that my boys will approve, yet not so sexy she'll look like a whore or tempt my boys to actually try and bone her?

3. Is her mom really fat? Actually more important, does she exercise? Am I going to want to deal with her 45 pounds later when she encourages me to eat the same crap as her and thereby become fat and undesirable to other women?

4. Does she have a job, and if so, is it close enough in pay and importance to mine that we won't have to constantly engage in a "who wears the pants" argument every week?

5. Is she dumb? In the event we have children are they going to be raised by a woman dumb as Jessica Simpson, or a rock.

These are the type of soliloquies and rhetorical questions being posed in the male brain. Important things such as can I support a wife, what will be the important tax and medical benefits, and what's the cost benefit analysis of an actual "wedding" are things which are often left out using the idiotic "love will conquer all" mantra. Damn, this sounds like a Jerry Springer final thought...hear me out though.

Despite the important issues which "love" and the idea of love often cause us to blindly ignore, the following 5 aforementioned bullet points are things which will determine the basis of a successful marriage. This is, because of one reason and one reason only.

Men, in addition to being animals like Lions or Wolves, pre-programmed to select more than one mate in a lifetime, are also programmed to be providers...with the exception of lions, who let the females hunt...but they're more like the Pimps of the animal kingdom.

As natural providers, protectors and hunters, the manbrain manifests itself through an aura of chauvinism, bravado and all out machismo. We care if we can live side by side with her without wanting to pull an OJ. We care if she can have a convo about something other than Basketball wives or the Kardasians. We care if our wife is hot. We care if other people think she's hot. We care that she's not too hot other people try to steal her. We care that she's not so out of our league that she'll try to upgrade us.

Sure it seems sexist and immature to focus on aesthetic things like a girl being hot, but in reality, the immature thing would be to ignore all of these things based on the power of love and spend your life miserable, cheating and catching STDs.

You still wanna get married son? Aight. Take it from Rocka. Make sure she's 9/10 hot, has good genes and gives you awesome sex. Live with her a few months, learn her disgusting habits, deal with not being able to get any because she's on the rag, learn that she actually does take dumps, and if all goes well, you've got a winner.

As long as you can fu*k her and only her for the rest of your life, you're cool.

Marriages consist of 2 real people in real life and as a're gonna be going through some real shit chief.


-Chief Rocka & the Bros


Cie said...

this was not as coonery as I originally thought... this was actually insightful and in a eerie way kinda accurate.

bravo sir.

Piph said...

so true with that last comment