Thursday, October 28, 2010

Performing Artists: In Order of Obnoxiousness





For those of you who read fairly consistently, it should come as no secret that original Nappy Headed Bros Show and C4 are both performing artists, a rapper and an actor, respectively. So as performing artists we sometimes spend a decent amount of time around other performing artists inside and outside of our own fields. Many are cool, many are jackasses, but they tend to follow a trend as far as being annoying or obnoxious. So without further adieu let's rank these bastards.


7) COMEDIANS

Least obnoxious because attractiveness isn’t closely tied to success like the other media, so you have the most chance of seeing average to even ugly people, who tend to have a decent sense of humor about themselves. This built-in humility is cool, it tends to keep them more down to earth in general than most other entertainers. Throw in the frequency of alcoholism and personal unhappiness that tends to make them great, and at worst they’re just crotchety assholes. I’m okay with that. Sure, self-loathing is unhealthy. But it’s contained and often channeled into something funny, like the black coal of pain giving way to a hilarious one of a kind gem of a joke. Regular guys who hate themselves? America can relate to that. Comedians, you may be ugly and socially awkward, but that’s cool with me.

6)ACTORS

Yes I’m bias because I am one, but I also can say what I’m about to say with certainty. With actors you get the most variety of personality, the easiest entertainers to get along with (less cantankerous than the aforementioned funny guys). Actors tend to be personable because we always have to network, making us socially more comfortable. However, there are plenty assholes, egomaniacs, people who range from vain to delusional to volatile, and far too many people who are misguided and simply need therapy to function better in society. Some of us use the dark side of the force, so if you don’t like us, I understand.


5) SINGERS

Stop singing everywhere you go. And take off that silly ass hat!


4) RAPPERS

1) Are these guys actively out to set a record for most ridiculous cartoonish and outrageous verbal buffoonery while also maintaining a decade-long streak of futility? Is that the goal? Because they’re doing a great job. Get over your fucking self. A necessary part of hip hop is the braggadocio, the swagger, the trash-talking that one is the best and should not be tested, etc. Thanks to the likes of YouTube, Jim Jones, Lil Wayne, Max B, and other ass-clowns, the ridiculous claims these people make get more reckless and grandiose by the minute. Worse still, far too many rappers believe their own hype. I’m sure there’s a DSM-IV classification for that kind of person, any psychiatrists read this blog? Don’t believe me? I went to worldstarhiphop.com just to see the first rapper interview I could find, and this is what I pull up, posted two days ago by a guy who hasn’t had an album in a decade.


3) HIP HOP DANCERS

1) Talk about taking your work home with you. Their back to school outfits are somehow part of the profession. Then they’re always randomly practicing their moves because that’s the only way anyone can tell the difference between them and your everyday average douche bag. Such SPAZZES! Far too enthusiastic for civilian life. They’re like zesty ass soldiers of “funk.” I feel like ADHD runs rampant in this community and awareness needs to be spread like butter on a biscuit. Can we get some PSAs during America’s Best Dance Crew? Calm yo silly ass down!

2) MUSICAL THEATRE ACTORS

The corniest bastards on the planet. Definition of Ham. “Glee” lovers and show tunes memorizers are cultivated through this art. Only saving grace is that they just want to have fun, and the community is basically hot girls and gay guys. Straight guys who can sing, do the math.

1) SPOKEN WORD POETS


By far the most annoying sons of bitches you’ll ever have to encounter. If you punched one in the face just for living anyone aware of the occupation would not be mad, other than the dashiki-wearing patchouli-smelling, black soap using faux hippies, hipsters, would-be revolutionaries and various other degrees of douche bags. While many of the artists that popularized the genre are cool/deep/thoughtful/provocative/etc., far too many of their descendants happen to be any uber-intense asshole with strong opinions and a loud voice saying obvious things really passionately. Metaphors and themes of love and social justice get beaten to death with the fossilized corpse of a horse called rhyme scheme. The following, which I tried a hundred times to upload to Youtube (you'll have to use your imagination), may sound like something you might have heard at one of their performances:

1) Love drops gently the honeysuckle kiss of the morning sun on the lips of mother earth, the way it did in the time of Nefertiti. Does this intro sooooouuuuund, familiar? If I speak boldly, you will love me, If I am loud, you will believe, if I string a long series of seemingly unrelated topics together and say some shit about my ancestors you may just pump your fist with pride resting assure that YOU are also deep. Y si soy latino I might throw in random references to modongo, mofongo, bacalao y LA RAZA!!! Notice! Notice, notice, notice, softly softly, the way that I play with inflection makes you forget I never rhyme, and maybe with a beat behind me I’d be lost but fuck it! And I know that rhyming isn’t necessary for poetry but fuck it! Don’t correct me you pretentious prick I know the difference between literature with depth and your shitty babble so fuck it! Sometimes I recycle but sometimes I litter and say FUCK IT! When the pussy is wet I FUCK IT! You might be offended by my irreverence note the clever intra-sentence rhyme but if you didn’t, FUCK IT! I’m done now. Fuck THIS!

C4

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