Tuesday, August 31, 2010

How to make a million dollars slobbing knob


With the exception of the executive summary which serves primarily as an overview and synopsis of the entire project, a Business plan can pretty much be broken down into the following components.

1. Industry/Market Analysis
2. Business Overview
3. Product or Service Description
4. Management and Staffing
5. Marketing Plan
6. Operations Plan
7. Financial Plan

Now that this has been established, think of the oldest profession in the world...don't be shy, you know exactly what the f**k I'm talking about. Pimping...well, more specifically, Ho-ing.

Now, with the exception of Heidi Fleiss who is actually a "Madam" no one in contemporary America, or the world, can name a successful hooker. Now by successful I do not mean "has a BMW" or "get's her rent paid", I'm talking "has secure investments, a nest egg, children's college savings and a mortgage paid off" successful. Still at a loss for names? Good.

This "successful hooker Dilemma" seemed to serve as proof that a.) hookers, while entrepreneurial, lacked mental capacity and intellect to put this business plan to work, or b.) they were just plain lazy. I'd opt for B. That is, until one smart, nasty, promiscuous female named Karrine "Superhead" Steffans took the business model and made it work for her. In came the cash, fame and notoriety (which is cool if you dont mind being famous for slobbin knob)...The only problem was, she fu*ked up the plan and is now in the process of losing her spot to Kat Stacks, Internet vixen-super ho, who is also fu*king up the model. SMH.


Maybe the types of girls willing to sell their bodies for money just don't have the mental capacity to make good business women...or maybe all the ones that do simply go into safer fields like porn or legalized Nevada Prostitution. Eh.




1. Industry/Market Analysis

Karrine: There are no famous hoes. I will make myself a niche market amongst successful black entertainers and athletes. Salaries are going up while the longevity of marriages and civil unions are declining. Easy. Market. Entry.

Kat: Karrine can do it, but she's a bit dark skinned and doesn't look exotic. She's also getting old and will soon lose her appeal. She has also burned bridges. Competition breeds price premiums. Easy market entry, as fresh faces demand higher prices.


2. Business Overview

Karrine: Suck dick. F**k rappers and athletes. Write a book about it.

Show: this is a tad bit old school but it worked. Karrine was also able to indirectly play the extortion role. Keep her happy, and she might forget to include the part about u wanting the Popsicle shoved up your butt.

Kat: Suck Di*k. F**k Rappers and athletes. Put them on the Internet and brag about it.

C4: While she's technologically savvy, she loses points for her marketing ability and own "desire for fame" we will discuss this later.


3. Product or Service Description

Both: Ho-ing and slobbing more knobs than a Quadriplegic opening a door.


4. Management and Staffing

Both: Neither girl has a manager as part of the brilliance of this business model is that it realizes a manager would be no more than a pimp, and that pimps are an unnecessary financial burden in a hooking world where the girls are relatively safe and free from non-venereal harm.


5. Marketing Plan

Karrine: Sell myself as the # 1 Cocksucking champ. Success!!!!

Kat: Sell myself as the Chick who has f**ked the most rappers and make myself famous! Epic Fail.

Wja3: Due to the fact that rappers and athletes are getting stupider and the precedent of everyone exposed in the SuperHead book's wives not leaving them, they are still compelled to see what all their rapper friends are talking about. They feel the need to see if shes worth all the hype. Not as smart of a management tactic as Steffan's but moderately successful.

6. Operations Plan

Both: Get a reputation in small circles of elite athletes thereby gaining clientele on a referral basis.

Kat: Make them pay actual cash money for sex, while having no shame in your game. Instantly record them and upload proof on the Internet. Brilliant.

Karrine: Make them buy you gifts, all the while attempting to secure extra funds by inherent blackmail. Not a bad idea.

7. Financial Plan

Kat: Gets her money up front. This is much better as shown by the present value vs. future worth of one dollar per period (eww.) This does lead to people calling you an actual "hooker" rather than a groupie. Why have pride? Guys know its essentially the same thing.

Karrine: Chose to take her earnings in gifts and potential blackmail cash payouts. While it worked for her, Kat had the ability to simply portray herself as a hooker as a direct result of superhead (Steffans) making this type of behavior acceptable. Hindsight, of course, is 20-20.


Now you can all see the potential for success evident in both these similar, yet uniquely executed plans. My intent is not to show why one is better than the other, but why they both ultimately failed. Rather than simply execute the plan and hoard money like Uncle Scrooge McDuck, these women fell into the trap of believing their own hype.
What happened to Kat and Steffans, similar to a fat chick who hangs around hot girls, was that they forgot that they were not actually rich, famous and or important. The two began forgetting that without morally questionable ballers throwing pipe in them 24-7, they are as forgetable as the TV Show Homeboys in Outerspace. Once these girls let their egos get involved, this set them up in vulnerable positions...for example, in a profession which relies on a.) some degree of confidentiality and b.) client referral you CANNOT make your clients feel uncomfortable by broadcasting their questionable behavior to the world. You also CANNOT let your feelings get involved and talk shit about them to the media because you feel "slighted" or "played."

Once this happens, you're sperm shooting cash cows will no longer fuck you, or fuck with you.

For instance, Kat stacks, this past week, twittered some flirty shit to Married NBA Star Carmello Anthony who is now in a heap of shit for putting a 5,000 bounty on her head to any goon who would fuck her up and video tape it. Not a good look Kat...or Melo.

I cant say I feel sorry for either woman, though I do applaud them for being 2 women brave enough to try and capitalize on the worlds oldest profession. One day someone will get it right, but for now...It will have to suffice to say that these two broads should've bought one last Mercedes Benz and paid for one more community college class in business. SMH.






-ShowRock

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Pause Chronicles pt.1 "The Showrocka Roast"

No homo, but this is how I met Showrocka. I was at Hoodstock 2004 with my Filipino Homies goin to check out my Boy Montana Blak (Currently known as Maulie Blakwell...check him on itunes, and formerly known as "the security guard who built the vocal both in the Quad security station). Apparently Blak had linked up with his childhood Homie Fatone, his young boy Honesty and some college kid from CT named showrocka to form some group called the Agency.

First impression: "Who is this nigga up here in all this Pink!!!!!!"

Philly was not Dipset country and we were unaware of the phenomenon. He obviously couldn't be gay if he was hanging with the Hug-N-Da Block Boys, but why the flying fuck was he dressed like that. Peep him in the back of this video someone shot, cant miss him.











The reason I bring this up is not to bring up old hip hop memories, but rather to show some of the ambiguously gay things that Showrock tries to pass off as permissible.

Enjoy.

C4: You see, loyal blog readers and internet Groupies, we the Bros like to play a game called "Pause Police" where we go through each others cribs and make fun of questionable gay material. Let's try, shall we?

Wja3: This week's contestant...Show "a million nicknames" rocka.


Blue Uggs, Size 11.



Well. They're too big to be any woman's other than Rebecca Lobo or Lisa Leslie.

Show: Mad comfortable. Like walking on clouds.

C4: Verdict?

WJA3 & Tako: Notoriously G.A.Y.

I'm like, really my G? You're wearing "man-Uggs." I didnt even know they made man-uggs. What occasion calls for the wearing of Male Uggs? Dave Matthews Concert? worse part is, I swear I saw this nigga wearing them with a hoodie and jesus piece like that's an acceptable style. What's next Show? Gangstaliscious shorts for thugs (Please tell me you've seen that episdoe from Boondocks season 2)? LOL. Oh well, guess its better than those African nigga opened toed sandals. Wait, actually its not. Grown man wearing 'eskimo slut' boots. Thought you were trying to f**k the sorority girls not be one. I'm just looking for the matching Vicky's secret pink sweats. LOL. Next!

Skinny Jeans, Size 28.

Show: F**k you, I'm a 33.

Wja3: Could fooled me.


Not only are these "skinny jeans" the purple and turquoise pair actually say "Super skinny" as if the originals don't hug your nuts enough! Oh man. There's no justifying this one.

Show: WTF is this a Roast???

Lefleur: Shoulda roasted those jeans.

Show: Who let him in?!

C4: The skinny jean fairy. LOL. Now, we're willing to knock the charge of homosexual thuggery down to a misdemeanor of metro sexuality gone wrong if you donate the jeans to Salvation army and plead out.


Show: Guilty as charged. Too much Sizzurp and Lil wayne lead to a period (ewwww) of bad decisions. I accept the sentence.


Wja3: Hahahahahahahah. Got em.

Show: It's a book man!!!

C4: So a book called the art of sucking men off in jail wouldn't be gay?

Show: you know what I meant.

Tako: It's stupid, but still funny do to your overusage of the phrase "no homo." Speaking of which, Show left his phone unlocked again and I found this. LMAO. Show is gay for having it, and the dudes in the pic are even gayer for falling asleep drunk like that.



In an era of cell phone cameras and you tube videos, be careful...stay on your toes...and take it easy on the questionably gay material, or feel the wrath of the "no homo boys." No homo. LOL.

-Tako & Co.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Showrocka P. Newton Presents...Martin Luther King and Malcom X

C4 wants 100,000 hits by year's end. I want 100 followers. My goal is more realistic but we will both probably fail. Eh...Just keep reading and passing the Links to friends.

--Show




We as African American Men and women, proficient in the art of taking every sick, funeral and vacation day readily available, should all be up in arms at the fact that we...children of the oppressed, progeny of downtrodden slaves subjected to inhuman treatment and sale on the auction block, STILL in the post abolitionist era, have to work on May 19th.

That's right, Malcolm X's Birthday, May 19th 1925, is still not considered a National Holiday...and it's that nigga Martin Luther King's fault.

Tako: Oh snap.

Now I know this may seem a bit of a shock to you all, but aside from being quintessential dick heads, the Bros are well versed and well read investigative journalists...OK, maybe we aren't, but we are smart and we do read good [sic]. LOL.

This being said, I would like to educate you all a bit beyond the typical bullshit "rainbows and unicorns, women who don't cheat on you" fairytale world where Martin Luther King and Malcolm X give each other black solidarity fist bumps and pose for pictures and T-shirts. That's right, these strong black leaders hated each other, and while the Reverend Doctor was....

Tako: What was that nigga a Doctor of anyway?

Show: Theology or something...now shut up...


While the Reverend Doctor was busy preaching non violence, Malcom X was off calling him a bitch, statements to which I'm sure Martin Luther King secretly responded "Fuck this hatin ass nigga malcolm and everybody in his swine free house! " Sound surprising? It shouldn't, because when it comes down to it, the two brothas had entirely different philosophies. Don't get me wrong though, this is not to say this Malcolm-Martin Dichotomy is a battle between a whitewashed buppy and a militant hood figga. Let me reiterate...Malcolm and Martin were both real NIGGAS.

Both had street credibility (Aka went to jail).




Malcolm toted an AK.

Martin luther King liked to have orgies and loveeeeeeed getting head. What nigga doesnt? See Quote Below.

In his 1991 memoir, Breaking Barriers, journalist Carl Rowan writes that in 1964 congressman John Rooney told him that he and his congressional committee had heard J. Edgar Hoover play an audiotape of an apparent orgy held in King's Washington hotel suite.In his account of the same episode, civil rights historian Taylor Branch attributes a couple more quotes to King: "I'm fucking for God!" and "I'm not a Negro tonight!" --(Cecil Adams, www.thestraightdope.com, accessed May 2003.)

Most importantly, these niggas had beef. like Biggie and Pac, or the Kardasian sisters way before TMZ and the National Enquirer existed to hype shit like this up.



In an article with Louis Lomax from 1963, Malcom can be seen pretty much ensuring that no matter how many "white people friendly" photos he took with MArtin Luther fellatio King, he would never ...eva eva eva eva eva....get his own Holiday. Can we say, "when keepin it real goes wrong?"



Louis Lomax: Reverend Martin Luther King teaches a doctrine of nonviolence. What is your attitude toward this philosophy?

MALCOLM X: The white man supports Reverend Martin Luther King, subsidizes Reverend Martin Luther King, so that Reverend Martin Luther King can continue to teach the Negroes to be defenseless. That's what you mean by nonviolent. Be[ing] defenseless in the face of one of the most cruel beasts that has ever taken people into captivity... A hundred years ago they used to put on a white sheet and use a bloodhound against Negroes. Today they have taken off the white sheet and put on police uniforms and traded in the bloodhounds for police dogs, and they're still doing the same thing. Just as Uncle Tom, back during slavery used to keep the Negroes from resisting the bloodhound or resisting the Ku Klux Klan by teaching them to love their enemies or pray for those who use them despitefully, today Martin Luther King is just a twentieth-century or modern Uncle Tom or religious Uncle Tom, who is doing the same thing today to keep Negroes defenseless in the face of attack that Uncle Tom did on the plantation to keep those Negroes defenseless in the face of the attack of the Klan in that day.

Now the goal of Dr. Martin Luther King is to give Negroes a chance to sit in a segregated restaurant beside the same white man who has brutalized them for four hundred years. The goal of Martin Luther King is to get the Negroes to forgive the people the people who have brutalized them for four hundred years, by lulling them to sleep and making them forget what those whites have done to them, but the masses of black people today don't go for what Martin Luther King is putting down.



Tako: Whoa.



Yep. So there you have it. Malcolm X left the white man and the remnants of his institutional racism no choice but to pretend he didn't exist and throw his legacy into a bucket alongside Huey P. Newton, Jesse Jackson and other important figures who gave all too important "Fuck you"'s to the black fearing world. You think Obama would've gotten elected if he had said "Fuck MLK with his fat, out of shape, womanizing ass?" No he wouldn't...but he was smart enough not to and as a reward, one day, he will get his only holiday, most likely in place of MLK day because he, unlike Dr. Kaaang, doesnt have facial hair, never went to jail and doesn't like to have presidential orgies.



Keeping all these things in mind, I would like to say to the Late Great Malcolm X, Fuck you. Not only did you try to deny us the pleasure of buxom white females and the deliciousness of pork rinds, you also haddddddd to hate on the nigga Martin, thereby giving us one day off from work instead of two. Bitch. We still love you though, no homo.




Black power fist bump, Jersey Shore Fist Pump.


-Showrocka P. Newton

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Black people, we need to stop this shit

I'm trying to watch Jerry springer but I hate leaving u blogless. Sidenote: just saw a commercial for that talkshowvthe Doctors where they test and dispell medical / health related myths. They are testing out a sperm facial. Seriously.




Anyways, i have to get some things off my chest. As the unoffical spokes person for all people of color I'm going to suggest we renounce the following actions.

1. Sellin dinners

We've gone over this on previous blogs. No need to rehash it. It's coonish, and who the fuck wants to eat some random niggas food. Imagine if white people did this? Exactly! There'd be cat hair all in the hummus. Illllk.

2. Wearing head scarves in public.

This is like them niggas who wear do-rags to get waves, yet never take the do-rag off so you can see the waves. You both look dumb.

3. Smokin black and milds

Make up your mind! You wanna smoke a cigarette or a cigar? Pick one. You probably like transexuals too... You nasty.

4.watching Tyler Perry movies

If you're gonna watch a dude dressed up like a chick at least watch a sexy one like rupaul...




C4: whoa nigga whoa!!!

Wja3: pause!!!!

Show: Tako slipped that in (pause) to try and be funny.

C4: rigggggght....here's what's under that wig show. Still want that 7 foot moo shu?? Lol




Tako: is he AIDSin'?

Show: that's not a legit term kid.

5. Jail shout outs.

Stop it!!!! On the radio? What do you gain from this other than broadcasting your love of a jail bird to the world. Sure he may hear it, but so what! He's also hearin about that dude from the club you smashed. Cut the shit and send ur man some clean drawers... And condoms, cause he's probably smashing as much as you. Ewwwwwww. Haha.

That's all I got.... Bitches.

-Show

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Shelf Life For Women On The Scene



I realized something towards the end of a BBQ I briefly attended, hosted by Slope and attended also by WJA3.

See my man Slope, on top of being the most reckless nigga with money I know, is a staple of the buppy (black yuppy {young urban professional}) scene in NYC. Since my grad school stint I've lost touch with that crowd, spending two years in Boston amongst Caucasians and whatnot, but almost three years removed from partying amongst them I realized two things that struck me as worthy of this blog:

1. All the same dudes.
2. None of the same chicks.

Why was that? The venues remain the same. Branch, Canal Room, Strata they just renamed Crimson. The promoters are still Three Kings, K-OS and the like. I stroll through and dap up friendly faces I haven't seen in years, but knew would be there.

All same daps, all new hugs.

Other things are the same though:

The business / law firms these people work for remain constant, cuz they're the top ones in the country. You know, the ones who come to Ivy League campuses and recruit all the top black talent.

Tako: what about the ones who didn't go into business or law?

Show: They stayed they broke ass at home like C4 should.

C4: Fuck you and everybody in yo house.

There's a small minority of course split somewhere between medicine, education and the arts, but mostly yeah. Business/financial types and lawyers, who may or may not also be members of black frats and sororities.

But back to the point. As I was saying, take a couple years off and hop back in, same shit different party...except regarding the shorties.

It seems that the girls from when I first hit the scene five years ago are all gone, barring a few stragglers.

This leads me to believe that once again, women have been planning the whole time we men thought they weren't. Mostly because they have to and we don't. Because....

A 22 year-old man with money and a dope job differs from a 27 year-old man with money and a good job only in that second guy has stacked more cheese with time and/or blown more of his bread on liquor and bitches. Both guys are having a hell of a time partying though.

I'm gettin' money, bitch.

A woman in the same position is vastly different at 27 than at 22. By 27 she's thinking marriage, kids, stability. She has far less interest in hooking up with the same small pool of dudes found in the clubs who got something going on. Chances are her jump-off mileage is too high, or she's been burnt by one or more of these guys (figuratively speaking and VD-wise), or she just realizes the circular nature of the game, sees the writing on the wall and gracefully bows out. She's seen this movie before, back in college. She might have seen it with the same actors too (since many of us knew each other as undergrads anyway), except in different costumes. Jerseys and Greek letter shirts have been replaced with button-ups and business cards, but the politics remain the same.

WJA3: My father sat me down and said the following, which I lead off with in quote form.

"As a black man & as an Anderson, your mission is to lay that wood." - WJA2
Other things to keep in mind: Most women have the shelf life of organic skim milk. It is the nature of woman to annoy man thus women who aren't blood, very pleasant, or above average looking get jettisoned EARLY. Most women have set up limits on the amount of hook-ups they are willing to do before settling or at least slowing down. This is positive and negative. On the negative side, a dude can chat up a girl forever, and still have only a minuscule chance of getting the no strings attached smash. On the positive side, if you got in there before she turned prude, you mostly can get in there again with little to no work as long as you remain friendly and don't be an asshole about it because you don't increase her total numbers.

Once you get out of the social bubble that is college life, it is almost never cool to smash the homies.


Stop it, Mom. You smashed the homie. I'm moving to Miami.

Guys on the other hand, when that feeling of boredom starts to sink in, summer comes with a fresh crop of 22-year-old women who are just as impressed with their money and jobs as they used to be by upperclassmen, frat boys and athletes as freshmen in college. This not only invigorates the bread-blowers and rain-makers, but it reinforces their egos. At every level of education and finance, particularly at the top, black women greatly outnumber black men. With each new graduating class the ratio gets thrown off more and more. The guys know they're in high demand as viable partners for a successful black woman often resistant to dating outside the race, and they have a ball.

Show: Nowhere does a guy like me fit into these social settings. None of these snobby hoes is down for the hood/edgy, Ivy League, broke nigga. Are we just destined to marry successful white women?

We love you, Show Rocka!

Anyway.... So while the shelf life of a man with cash at the trendy clubs may be ten years or more, women should probably get out within five if they've got their head on straight and don't want to be labeled a party girl forever. Double standard? Of course. Unfair? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

-C4 & The Bros

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Nig*as Aint Sh*t. Period.

I opted for this pic instead of a pile of dog shit cause I thought it was more classy. Plus women always say men are dogs. On with the post!

Description: Single, attractive Male. (I'm obviously not talking about myself because I didn't say super-attractive, or humble.)


Objective: Have protected sex and secure blowjobs from every woman you can, all the while maintaining a hierarchy where the less attractive get bumped by the more attractive 10 times out of 10. Stop calling after said smashing occurs.


Rationale: Men are dogs and nig*as aint sh*t.


Bet you ladies don't like that huh? I've confirmed your inner most fears about the "new guy" you're talking to. The guy you dated for 4 years? The guy you were engaged to? Your baby's dad? None of them are worth a shit either and there's a 75% chance he's fooled around with one of your friends.

So now what?


Here's the part where I tell you everything I just said is a crock of shit. Unfortunately, its a crock of shit and self pity that women have concocted and let their estrogen, uterus twat juices convince them to believe. 9 out of 10 times if something in a relationship goes awry directly after sex, people will say "he only wanted to hit it."

Seems logical right? "He got what he wanted," "He played her", etc.

How about "She got clingy", "She started questioning his behavior with women in a way she didnt do before" or better yet, how about "She doesn't know how to cope with the side effects of good di*k"?
Why do you think so many windows are smashed, cars keyed and clothes are burned on front lawns?


Its because no matter what a woman says about it being "just sex", the moment you have sex, feelings get involved. I don't care who you are. Women get their feelings hurt easy, men get their pride hurt easy...this explains why when women get mad at "sex gone wrong" they say things like "The sex was whack" and why men say things like "I never liked you, I just wanted to smash."

Fact of the matter is, none of these things are true in most cases, but one thing is.

Girls who have sex with guys for the wrong reasons, make things really awkward.

My mom always taught me never to sleep with a woman you don't think is good enough to talk to the next day...I internalized that, taking note of the fact that she DID NOT say "talk to in public the next day." LOL.


That being said, the "hit it and quit it" motto most women believe that men follow does not exist. Why would we want to have sex once and move on rather than continually have sex with you in a no strings attached manner? Even terribly bad sex is better than no sex. I mean come on? "Hit and quit" makes no sense at all. "Hit it and not take you out to dinners and movies" makes sense. Chances are, if a guy sleeps with you once and only once it's because you started acting crazy, or became too attached and scared him away.


In essence, it's your fault!!!

Here's the kicker though.
I'm not going to lie. Every man who is not a virgin knows that women cannot truly separate sex from emotional attachment and we keep having sex with them on the premise that "I told her no strings attached and she was cool with it." We know what we're getting into and know that we look like assholes when you girls start acting like them and we leave. Therefore, you are right....we know how this story ends every time, yet we still dib and dabble in your emotionally charged punani pudding.



And that, my female friends, is why nig*as aint sh*t.
-The Talented Mr. Rocka

Monday, August 23, 2010

Questionable thuggery.

Things you have probably never seen before: A thug dancing to "Pretty Boy Swag", which is questionable in and of itself, who then proceeds to get smacked by a speeding car...ahem, excuse me...Ice cream truck.



Buc Dinero: This is funny. But you cannot call Pretty Boy swagging "questionable" after you spend an hour saturday morning at 7:00 am, drinking Sweet tea vodka and teaching yourself how to "Dougie" based on youtube videos.

Show: Why you bringin up old shit. Now this is questionable.....




Thugs on roller skates? Where they do that at!!!????

I'm clownin today.

Friday, August 20, 2010

NO FAT GIRLS ALLOWED!!!!!!!!!!




Now let's pause for the requisite 30 seconds of silence while Show Rocka weeps over this title.

WJA3: We know what he's about and what he's into.

C4: FAT BITCHES!!!!

Show: Fuck you nigga, how you gonna hate cuz I like 'em thick?

C4: Nigga you like 'em fat.

LeFleur: Can't argue there.

Show: Snitchin' ass Judas niggas.

C4: I'll be that if you admit to your fat fetish.

Show: NEVER!
We love you, Show Rocka!

Sike let me stop.

So anyway, some trendy club in Montreal got a lot of granny panties in a bunch when on their Facebook page they included the title of this post (and a winky smiley face, true story) in an invite to a birthday party for one of the club's partners.

When I saw it, I freaked out. I was livid," said one plus-size woman who received the message as a member of Muzique's Facebook group.


Oh, you were mad cuz you know you're fat, and therefore not invited? Hilarious. How you gonna be mad at somebody else cuz YOU fat? The club promoters didn't stuff twinkies and fried and battered EVERYTHING in your mouth over the last 15 years of your life. The club promoters didn't stop you from putting on some sneakers, going outside and running around until you're tired (sometimes referred to as "jogging," which is a form of "exercise." "Exercise" is physical exertion for the sake of maintaining "fitness," a term used to define one's state of physical health. {this post is over-defined for the "fit-impaired."})

Speaking on condition that her name not be used, the woman said her weight has never stopped her from going out -but she won't be visiting Muzique if it discriminates against people who are overweight.
Oh so I see you ain't proud enough of your fatness to let the good folks at the Montreal Gazette use your name though, but you can complain about how unfair it is that they don't want your fat ass taking up all the space on the dance floor.

Long story short there were plenty of apologies and "oh I didn't even know that was posted" claims from the club promoters, eager to appease to avoid the bad press from fat protests and such.

But let's step back and take a look at the bigger picture.

1. The club wins here.

I know that if I lived in Montreal and wanted to bag some bad shorties who speak bad French for the night, I'd take my happy ass down to Muzique where I know there will be no fat bitches fucking up the potential. Of course I couldn't bring Show Rocka as my wingman, but we weigh the pros and cons, no pun intended.

Show: Eat a fat dick!

C4: Pause. Oh why, cuz you eat fat pussy?

WJA3 & Tako: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Look at all the free promotion! I've never been to Quebec in my life, but I know what club I'm hitting up when I do.

2. Why do fat people always have a lobby of apologists screaming for acceptance, crying about discrimination, as if being overweight is the same as being a certain race, sexual orientation, age or handicap?

It's one thing if you get hated on and don't get that accounting job, that's fucked up. One's weight has nothing to do with things like that.

But don't complain about the sizes of seats on airplanes, rollercoasters, buses, etc. because you can't fit in them! That is a size of seat EVERYBODY ELSE can fit in. Sometimes it's a safety issue. That's a YOU problem, not a WE problem.



The same goes for getting in the club. Why? Because...

3. Everybody knows that nightclubs discriminate!

Period. Point blank. You can't get in with this kind of shoe or these kinds of clothes. "We're at capacity." "Bottle service only." "It's $40 to get in."

All of these quotes tend to translate into things like "you're too ugly," "you're too black," "you're male," "you're too old." Sometimes it also means, "you're too fat."

Normally they're nice enough to lie about it while being absolute pricks, but you get the innuendo. At least these guys are honest about it.

Now don't get me wrong. If I roll up to the club and they tell my plus-size female friend she ain't getting in cuz of her weight, I'm calling up my lawyer friends and suing the fuckers cuz no one disrespects my friends and gets away with it.

Tako: And you don't want a bouncer to fuck you up like they did your homeboy

WJA3: Too soon...

But look on the bright side, porkers. Can't get in at Muzique? Hop a jumbo jet and fly to Long Beach, CA to get to Club Bounce on Saturday night, where they cater specifically to fat people.



Show: Woooooord?

C4: Aha!

Show: I'm just sayin'...

That’s right, fat people. Not just any fat people, either, but fat people who are proud to call themselves fat people. People who joke that they are part of the new Fat is Phat movement.

“Self-conscious? No! Not at all,” laughs Monique Lopez, a curvaceous woman of 23 as she arrives in a tight, black dress and heels. “I was like, ‘I’m going to Club Bounce tonight. I’m going to wear my shortest skirt.’” (Which she did.)

Straight from NewsOne.com.

See how fat people are fighting back?

Lisa Marie Garbo, who opened Club Bounce five years ago, says she prefers plus-sized or larger-framed.
“But I don’t think fat is a bad word anymore,” she adds. “I think a lot of people embrace it now.”
Garbo, a vivacious, 40-year-old blonde partial to flamboyant outfits of tight-fitting pants and low-cut tops, said she opened the club for herself and others who were tired of being “the only fat girl at the local nightclub.”

The club, with a capacity of 400, attracts relatively equal numbers of men and women, although Garbo says about three-quarters of the women tend to be heavy, while only about a quarter of the men are.

Tako: Is that 400 regular-sized people or 400 fat people?

WJA3: So it's chubby-chasing heaven.

C4: Show just copped his ticket to Cali.

Show: I'm just sayin, who's down for the dummy mission.

WJA3: Don't answer that!!!

---Nappy Headed Bros

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Much to Blog about nothing....

Show: I'm not hungover (though I should be.) I'm not in a particularly bad mood. I really just don't feel like getting all introspective and shit. I'm also in one of those moods where I feel like starting to tell a story, but know I wont wanna finish. Also, all my posts for today are screwed because you tube links are fucking up. Uggghk.

Me and Tako were talking the other day about life and the meaning of it, and women, and tits, and 40's....you know, the ususal...and came to an interesting realization. Now I know today's pseudo post was supposed to be about some Ice cream gangsta shit (pause), but to bring it to some completely unrelated shit, we have a bit of asshole advice for the blog viewership.

Think of the most beautiful woman (or man...pause) that you know...that's not a celebrity...I mean that you actually know.

Is their phone number saved in your phone? If not, you're letting life pass you by.


Show: She's in my phone and her name is ____________

Tako: "THEY" are in my phone saved and have been there for years.

C4: She's in my phone and lives with me.

Show & Tako: GAY!!!! You can't get pu**y points from your live in gf. Sucka.

WJA3: LOL. Yall are stupid, and yeah C4...that did sound soft as ice cream....

Just think about it though. If that girl isnt in your phone you better have a damn good reason. A good reason like, it's my man's wife or she gave my cousin AIDS or some shit like that....otherwise, you're wasting time while simeoultaneously being a be-yi-yitch.

Just my thoughts maaaaaaaaaaaaan. Let's get it.


-Show rocka aka the Black Kevin Costner.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Buc Dinero and the deaf Chick

C4: Yep. All three of you are going to hell.



Wja3: 3!!!?



C4: Show and Tako for thinking the TS disclaimer allows them to say anything they want and Buc Dinero for just being plain reckless.



Tako: As you can see, Buc Dinero found himself a retarded bitch.



C4: Easy!!!



Show: What, it aint like he said it in braile. She can't hear his ass. LOL.



Wja3: Wrong in so many ways.



Tako: anyways....despite the fact that shorty can kinda get it (forgive me lord), I was thinking....how do you end up in the situation where you're spitting game at a chick who's Deff'er than an old LL Cool J Tape?



Show: They can read lips good...I mean well.....whichever.


It happened to me once as a teenager. I met this bad Puertorican Chick, and no I'm not talking about the sexy deaf rican prostitute who works on ferry St by the Dairy King.



Tako: Dry snitchin!!!



Show: More like free promotion. So anyway, I'm at the arcade (I was like 13) spitting game in shorty's ear while she's smiling and gigglin. Next thing you know one of her 6 sisters comes and tells me the deal. Never one to back down from a challenge, I kept spitting and pulled the digits. Not sure how that wouldve worked had I called, but back then everybody didnt have a cell phone and its hard to call a land line and explain to someone's mom that you plan on giving teenaged facials and possibly making her already deaf daughter go blind. SMH.


So here's where it gets interesting. According to buc, our little light skinned foxy brown had a cell phone...and no the buttons werent all big and shit. LOL.


I guess this makes sense, since all we do in the year 2010 is text anyway.



Buc: She actually said to call her. I researched how this shit works.



So apparently you call and talk to a third party and they type her the message. This could make phone sex very difficult. Just think about if you wanted to tell her some freaky shit. You have to say it to a man, or a machine who relay's it to her. Booooooo! Now I'm not one for discriminating and I'm sure there are plenty of deaf girl perks (i.e. being able to talk to other girls on the phone while getting brains), but this is def a deaf girl con.




Guess its better than using sign language like a freakin caveman trying to get off.



We all know Tako and I would do it, just like we all know WJA3 and C4 (the Alphabet boys) will never admit that they'd do it....but what do yall think?





I know one thing's for sure...I bet her ass has verizon.


Can you hear me now?







Going to hell,



---Them TS Boys

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

TS takes on Dating...Oh Lord.

Tako: Ok, we all know I'm not one for all the introspective lovey dovey shit, so I'll leave this one up to Show. We had originally planned the "shorty's Skeet stories: Piss edition" for today but we are having technical difficulties.

Show: Hold up, when did I become the Mushy, lovey dovey one son?


Tako: When C4 decided he'd rather be boo-loving than blogging, and wja3....well, who ever knows what his elusive ass is thinking.



Show: Well, I guess I am a bit mushier (pause) than you.


This being said I'm gonna go straight in...


Tako: Pause.


Now I've been single for about six months right now and still really don't know how one is supposed to date. Like really. I know how to treat a lady, I know plenty of fun things to do, I know how to get in their pants, but really....how is the whole dating thing supposed to work? What does dating even mean?


Tako: Khaki is going to call you so gay for this.


Show: It's Ok, me and Khak has that special "we haven't smashed yet" relationship, and I was convinced she was gay for about a week. LOL.


So anyway, like I said...whats the object of dating? If the object is to find out what you like and then go on frequent outings with one special girl then why the fuck not just make that person your exclusive girlfriend?


Tako: the point of dating is to smash as many girls as you can before getting married. Get it out of your system so that once you're hitched, you only have to cheat occasionally.





Show: You may be right. I doubt it though.


Take me for instance, I know exactly what I like...or I think I do, so what exactly am I trying to figure out. If a girl is my type I know we'll hit it off, so why not just wife her from the start?


Tako: We all know what you like. Thick Latina girls, (with the exception of that one black chick with the freckles), spanish accents, and tattoos. Duh. As easy as it is to say that though, that doesnt mean that you and your big bootied latina princess are going to necessarily be in the same frame of mind at the same time. You may want to be boo'd up watching tv and planning a 2014 wedding and she may want to watch 106 and park and fu*k different tattooed, dreadlocked dudes.




Show: So its an age thing...well a "mental age thing", because a girl can be 27 and act 16.




Tako: Exactly. That being said, smash as many as you want...just wrap it up. Don't worry about meeting "the one" because chances are, you've already met her...you just have to keep it 100 with yourself and give yourself the test.




Show: The test?




C4: The Test?




Show: C4, where the fuck did you come from.




Tako: He's like a short ass light skinned ninja...minus the karate part. But anyway, yeah the test.




The Test: Ask yourself, a.) would you try as hard as you could to not fuck or flirt with any other girl if she said she would be yours exclusively? Now, part b....Could you see yourself deleting every legitimate non-friend girl in your phone?




If you've passed this test than she's one of "the ones." LOL. Date around, but when she's ready, you better drop those other girls like flies...in a nice way of course. What'd you say Show? Why wait for her if you're already ready? Because even someone like me who uses the word bitch like I have an endorsement deal with Too Short can see that no matter what everyone says or believes, this is a woman's world. Sure we men may on average make more money, not get sexually harassed and have more opportunities....but lets be honest...the one with the pu**y makes the rules.




Real talk.




Narrow the pool down to those girls that are your type and have a blast. Just remember, there's no point having excess chicks on your roster just for smash points because it a.) takes time away from a girl who may be "the one" or "the one for now" and b.) it makes it harder when you have to send that Andre 3000 text:





"I typed a text to a girl I used to see
Sayin that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be
And I apologize if this message gets you down
Then I CC'd every girl that I'd see see round town and
I hate to see y'all frown but I'd rather see her smiling
Wetness all around me, true, but I'm no island
Peninsula maybe, makes no sense I know, crazy
Give up all this pussy cat thats in my lap no lookin back..."




And that, my niggas, is how you date.....




-TS Boys.

Monday, August 16, 2010

To catch a predator.

C4: We

Show: Are

Wja3: Gonna

Tako: Let

Lefleur: The

Buc Dinero: Blog

Shanga: Write

Dezo: Itself

Caveman: Today.

Enjoy.




You know that sh*t was funny.

_The Bros & Associates.

Friday, August 13, 2010

This Is NOT OK!!!! August Edition

It's been a while since we brought out this series, but it's simple. The following faux pas are simply never ever kosher, Schlomo.

L'haim!!!

Skullies and Cardigans in the Summer

You look and most likely smell like a literal bag of douche that contains sour vaginal juices mixed with ten-day old cabbage water. I made myself throw up a little in my mouth with my own imagery on that one, so I feel your pain, reader.





But for real. It's 95 degrees outside, and humid. It's New York City. You'll have to get on the subway at some point where it's even hotter. What the hell are you trying to prove? You're hipper than everyone else? You're comfortable? Can't be. It's your style, it's your self-expression? Bullshit. You're trying to look like these fucking hipster-inspired sagging skinny jeans guys, who are douche bags to begin with. Hard and fast rule: if it's t-shirt weather, put that fucking knit hat away! The only people who have ever gotten away with this are Cali skater dudes in like San Diego, where the weather is perfect and maybe the worst that'll happen is some wind. So maybe it's not okay for them either. But it's definitely not okay in Harlem, Brooklyn, Queens, The Bronx, uptown, downtown or in my lady's chamber. Fuckin poser.


Bieber Hair



Often donned by some of the prior perpetrators, this cluster fuck of face-shielding over-combed hair sprawl does nothing but make anyone rocking it look 30-40% less masculine just by its presence. It's always some young white boy, usually suburban, who has yet to sprout any peach fuzz to indicate he will one day be a man. This obnoxious hair move sir, now makes you look like a lesbian: just like Justin Bieber. In five years we'll find out that he was never a boy but one of the girls living as a boy like Hilary Swank's character in Boys Dont Cry. Don't believe me? Check out the Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber website, here.

Bouncing on the Check

Not to be confused with bouncing a check, like writing a bad one. Although in that case sometimes shit just happens and maybe you'd rather go to Vegas than pay your rent. Hey, I'd understand if u you kept it real with me. But I digress.

I'm talking about going out to eat, realizing that your mouth bit off more than your wallet can chew, and fleeing in embarrassment. Maybe your punk ass shouldn't have played yourself. If you think you're on the fence, have JUST enough, then the rule is you DONT have enough, and should eat at home.



It's no one else's fault you did that, so why should the poor waiter now have to cover your check out of his measly one? I don't care if you gotta run home and scrounge up $11.27 in pennies to do it, but nigga you need to man up and pay what you owe, and next time you won't have that problem cuz you'll remember the time you had to produce over 1100 pennies in order to be a good citizen. Fuuuuuuck dat!


Spilling Your Life on Facebook / Twitter



See, to an extent we're all guilty of this one. Facebook and Google by themselves could shut all our worlds down if they wanted, we've already lost to the Matrix.

But you know who I'm talking about. You know that facebook friend you have whose status updates more than hourly, who comments on EVERYTHING, who is constantly tagging photos and posting YouTube videos. This person needs to play in the grass with the other neighborhood children: unless of course he/she isn't allowed to be that close.

I feel like one's online and real lives have an inverse relationship. The more active you are with one, the less active you are with the other. So this person who popped into your head is a sad lonely motherfucker, who everyone knows way too much about. I don't need to know about your shower, your workout, what you're watching on TV, your mood at this very moment, or your relationship troubles. And I sure as fuck don't care about your stupid half-assed philosophies on life inspired by stupid rappers. Asshole. More on this another day.


Any Tattoo Before 18

PAUSE.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the hard and fast rule is that anything you want planted on your body at age 15, you won't want to be there by the time you're 21. But somebody it was S-M-R-T to let you do it. They're the bigger dick, you have the bigger asshole cuz you're fucked. Stuck with it for life. Yo. You might still grow! You're bound to gain weight. Your Tweety Bird might turn into Big Bird if you ain't careful. And also, the younger you are the more likely you are to poorly locate your first tat, placing it somewhere it should go only if you've run out of room elsewhere. Ask Show Rocka, it's his rule. Gonna be real hard to land that corporate gig with "Real Nigga" on the back of your hand, or "Get Money" across your neck. Think about it.



Peace!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Nappy Newsflash! Montana Fishburne Porn Leaks, with Tragic Results

Taaaaaaakkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flame!

No homo!

Sorry I couldn't contain myself. I guess that'll have to suffice for a cool sound byte like CNN or the Colbert Report. Son. If you haven't noticed the little countdown in the upper right corner of the page, you might not remember that Montana "daughter of Laurence" Fishburne, aka "Chippy D," is scheduled to release her sex tape in six days. But thanks to the glorious good deeds of internet pirates, and the good folks at worldstarhiphop.com, that bitch leaked last night...in more ways than one.

And who else but your boy Tak Boogie is gonna review that for you, since you can't (or at least shouldn't) watch porn at work. Aight? Wanna hear it? Hear it go...

Before I do the whole rundown, I wanna say she has a legitimately dope body. She's fit, the titties sit real nice, and she's got well-placed sexy tattoos. One under the left titty scripted something like "Lost Love," and another right above her bald eagle that says something I couldn't read cuz the she was bouncing up and down too fast. But I digress...

Aight so the link starts with Montana giving up the Downs, aka retarded brains. Retarded in a bad way son. Sub par wop game from the chick claiming she "has a lot of practice at home." Hair and makeup is pretty porno standard, done up but in whore-ish way, which you, I ain't got no beef with. She's doing her little amateurish thing, amateur porn's always, cool. Then...

SKKEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTT!!!

A minute or so into it though the whole shit is RUINED. It's awful. She's got these weird ass spots all over her booty, clustered mostly towards the kill zone. Not a good sign. You might have peeped them in the Brian Pumper (Lloyd Banks look-alike who actually is trying to be a rapper) music video, like Jaime Foxx did. To quote Mr. Foxx...

“I loved it…I really enjoyed it. I like the fact that she got them speckles on there because it's not too perfect. I don't like them perfect asses…the spots are actually there for me to put my hands on. It's Braille, booty Braille…”


He's the most hilarious asshole not associated with this website. Not so hilarious up close though when they look like something could be either the remains of old hemorrhoids, or some type of genital wart. ULGXH!



The STD theory is supported by two things.

1) She has similar bumps in the front around her cooch. Again, could be like razor bumps on some benefit of the doubt shit, BUT...

2) C4 ain't the only one who can research. This nigga Brian Pumper was dropped from his old porno company for forging an STD test for an actress who had chlamydia. So he's shown in the past he ain't afraid to get burnt.

Her ride game was pretty solid too, except that the whole spots thing really throws it off. It's really hard to hit that without wondering if she's infested with something I can't get rid of. I couldn't get the idea out of my head that Montana Fishburne's burnt fish might burn me or whoever else goes up in there. Brian Pumper surely has a disease now.

It's really sad at the end of the day. The way it's shot, she's clearly in the "exploited young girl in first porno" as opposed to the "rich girl in leaked sex tape." Even the jerk Jaime Foxx has sympathy for her dad.

"I feel so bad for Laurence Fishburne...I really can't make a joke about that....I don't know how to....like I would literally exterminate my daughter. If my daughter were to do that, it would be the last few lines of that Eminem song [Stan]"


Word my nigga.

Peep the rest of the radio show here.




And if you really feeling froggy, leap to the porn.

http://www.worldstaruncut.com/uncut/26546

But I gotta warn you. I was Taka Flaka Flacid the whole time. No lotion necessary.

TAKA!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ts Presents: Disabled man teaches you to Dougie.

New Haven, Yale-Harvard Game...November, 2006.


Show & 3 Random white girls: Solja boy up in this ho, what me crank it watch me roll....

Police: Hey you!!! I dont know how you got on top of that RV, but Get Down!!! Now!!!! And dont hurt yourselves.



Now I know you all are thinking, what would possess someone to do the Solja Boy dance on top of an RV at a football game, but let me remind you...it was 2006 and the Solja boy was that dope. A universally acceptable dance that white people liked and could mimic. Success!!!

After my Cousin Chain and Slim jones helped the white girls get down, and my drunk as almost broke my neck trying to do a jackie chan hop onto the spare tire cover and ninja roll on the ground, I began to contemplate....

Will there ever be another dance so simplistically awesome and infectious that all walks of life would partake and enjoy it???


Fast Forward to July 2010 and you have your answer....


Black people have their electric slide, Booty call and Cha-Cha Slide (Ugggghkkkk)....White people have their country line dancing and love instructional dances they can catch on to.

Enter the year of the "Dougie."






A down south dance, spawned from a song called "my Dougie" of which Solja Boy was actually in. Unfortunately, the song wasnt that good and never really took off until some young foolish dudes from cali called the California Swag District did their take on it and called it "Teach me how to Dougie." Now its a phenomenon. BTW "Dougie" refers to 1980's rapper / Pioneer "Dougie Fresh" who used to do a little dance rubbing his head (PAUSE!!!)





Here's a video from you tube with some disabled dude doing it. The comments to follow are hilarious (in a , "If you laugh you know you're going to hell sort of way.")

Just remember, it's so easy even a caveman can do it (you'll get the reference in a minute.)









Show: Start with a normal two step (left-right, left right...on a 1-2 count).

Then look left, slightly turn your left hip that way while acting like you are swimming with your right hand (breast stroke....moving your arm from inside to outside...kinda like your clearing the table after a dinnerparty.)

Make sure you are doing this on the same beat (at the same pace) that your feet are moving. Alternate arms and hips. Rub your head every few moves and you are officially dougie-ing. :)


And now the horrible comments these fuckers on youtube posted. I only copied the funnier ones as I too am an asshole who appreciates morbid and inappropriate humor. Enjoy.

Reaper757 :DUDE! Whats on your face!?

Reaper757: Oh wait...That is your face!

ColiseumGaming: Hes got Watermelonitis. Its a horrible disease you get from eating to much watermelon.

ofir55510 :I hope the lips are fake.

JVIICRO: I didn't know star trek had a new character they were adding.

CroRuption: yall fucking dumb for making fun of him, he looks like he got burnt. (with fire).

Really? Burnt (With Fire)? Nah son, we thought you meant burnt with Clymidia. Thank you captain obvious.

SKBaneTek: You dance like a dude on fire!!!

Tako wanted to say something but I wouldn't let him. We have to put up at least a thin veil of compassion. I can say that I dont wanna see no "awwwwww, I feel bad for him" comments cause this nigga put himself on the internet. Like a fat girl in a thong bikini in a strip club, you brought this upon yourself chief!!!

Dead.

--TS