Friday, July 30, 2010

Who Should I Run To: The Most Reckless Post Ever

So Show's thinking of taking a 1 year hiatus aka quitting so what that means is more Tako bitches!!!! What better way to celebrate me potentially becoming the new Blog ness monsta then by being reckless!!!

C4: Slow ya roll Jr. We all know who's next in line. Heir to the Dual throne, and that would be WJA3.

Wja3: Anyways, what you got on deck Tak.

Well, just because Tiny is ugly and she was in that group Xscape (who had a song by that name), I'm gonna call this post "Who should i Run to?"

Show: Gay.

Just wait big homie. This is worse than pin numbers. I'm using names. LOL. Good thing my girls don't read the blog...although some of them are friends with Show's girls.

Show: Oh lord. Get em Tak!

Tako Presents...Who should I run to?




Being a good looking, single, mixed breed fellow with good hair, it would be a fair assumption to say I get a lot of bi*ches. A whole lot. Though, I will probably get a lot less after this. No worries, the ones I will get will at least have a sense of humor. LOL.

Ok, so here's my dilemma. Between clownin Showrock, working on my album and blogging, I dont really have time for all the women in my life. That being said (showrock phrase of the day...no meat hop), I have to selectively dole out my time. Its not about how many bit*hes I can smash in one day...its about which chick I feel like on which day. This whole line of thinking, I have recently discovered, is a bit unfair and selfish. My own carnal desires should not be the sole deciding factor in dictating whose heart and vagina strings I shall play with each day. It needs to be deeper.



That being said....I'm gonna let the blog decide.

Read the descriptions and decide who I should F**k tonight. If you recognize a name, please dont blow up my spot. P.S. it's not libel or slander if its true....it just makes it fucked up.


Natasha Diaz:



This shorty is bad and gives me no trouble at all. She's actually a nice human being, but who cares about all that. Lets get to the good part. Shes about a buck 60, 6 feet and striking. Shes healthy, but not fat. Not really thick either, but the thighs are nice and shapely and there's just something about the weight of a 6 ft girl that makes you forget about the thickness factor. I think shes Venezuelan...B cup. Oh yea, here's the kicker...shes 18. Can't take her out to the bar. Could this be an OJ Simpson? You know a "Pro" and a "Con" . LOL. Chuckle Chuckle.


Paris Aherns:
This little chocolate thang is a bit older than Diaz, but....actually lets not lie...shes not a little chocolate thing at all. She's wide as a football field....a sexy football field (no homo.) You know what makes this exceptional other than a bright smile, charming conversation and the occasional free drinks? F Cup Boobs!!!!! She's on some Sheyla Hershey shit!!! She has a gorgeous face and dresses "appropriately". I dont even mind being with her fat ass in public cause shes so pretty. Plenty to grab hold of. Good nana. With her on top i feel like I get a good workout...f**k a gym. LOL.

Paula Enriquez:


La Mexicana. Everyone needs a psyco chick on the roster. She finds other girls hairs in the trashcan and spazzes out....reads my facebook status (good luck finding me on FB, im selectively hidden....like Khaki) and spazzes...she goes through my phone...and spazzes!!! Who cares though. She's model hot, doesn't own a pair of sneakers or jeans and is about a buck ten with shapely B's. Crazy or not she gives the best top in America (Im convinced) and has almost made me crash the Benz....almost. The yum yum tastes like bubblegum and even though i know I have to do a thorough apartment search for incriminating evidence prior, turn off my phone and computer, AND still get spazzed on...I think its worth it. P.S. She lets me hit it raw dog...but dont worry, we get tested.

Theresa Delmonte:




I swear this girl has a secret man or something. She stays dippin out. I could really care less though. I think I like her because she's so elusive. I've only smashed like once or twice so I'm not bored or accustomed to her. I do know that her blonde ass is badder than a Bebe's kid. Thick as the BP oil spill and has a child old enough to watch herself. Sheeeeeeeiiiit. I just put yo gabba gabba on in the other room and its on! LOL.

And there you have it. I never want to hear you say that I don't "put my lifetime in between the {computer screen's} lines" (Prodigy Voice.)

Im really soliciting your help. Let me know. Who should I run to!!!!!!










--Taka Flocka Flame Bitch.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Tako's Nappyheaded News: Mama Pimp



Tako's Nappyheaded News

I mean I know I'm Japanese and shit, but even as a youngsta my mom dukes used to tell me the story of that ho Goldie locks and the three bears. All I remember is goldielocks sippin porage (I'm sure that helped her with her future Adult film career) and the three bears being gone while she ransacked their kitchen (Criminal trespassing and borderline crackhead behavior.) Should've called her Frankie-locks...LOL.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that there was a baby bear, papa bear (pause) and a mama bear. There was no mama pimp! Guess what though? This is 2010 and even old hoes are gettin it poppin. Check the article.



Mama Pimp

A 73-year-old woman admitted today to pimping in New Jersey today after being squealed on her own son.

C4: Snitchin ass ninja!!!!

Tecora Brown, pleaded guilty to promoting prostitution between April 2000 and December 2004 in Jersey City Superior Court on Tuesday afternoon. Prosecutors asked for probation of one to five years for Brown.

Show: Tecora? See what happens when you don't have a "resume approved" name.

Brown's son, Allen E. Brown, aka "Prince," 48, pleaded guilty pleaded guilty to first-degree racketeering and second-degree theft by extortion on April 1 in Superior Court. The state has recommended that he receive 20 years in prison.

Prince's plea required him to implicate his mother, who owned the Society Hill home he ran his prostitution ring out of. The son reportedly lured desperate girls into his web of sex for money with promises of "the good life" then forced them into prostitution.

Wja3: Not sure how one gets "forced into" the life so much as it is a particularly desolate persons decision, which thereby hurls them into a vicious cycle of indebtedness and despair. I'm just saying.

Tako: Too many school words in that sentence for me.

Show: Nigga you went to an Ivy league school, cut the "Badboy " act (no Diddy.)
The prostitution ring also included a niece and a nephew of Tecora Brown, authorities said.

Nevertheless, I think all we nappyheadedbros can agree that the problem here lies not in the vice crime of prostitution, which has been proclaimed the "oldest profession," but in the one deplorable act to which we all cannot turn a blind eye to.

Snitchin on yo mama!!!

Does a man not have a code? Is there no longer honor amongst thieves. Damn. I'm at a loss for words. I hope somebody R-kellys his face in Jail.

Show: Would you snitch on your mom if you got to Smash Amber rose as a result....



Tako: Oh, thats different....

Show: Answer the question. LOL.

Tako: Fu*k yea. I aint really like that Asian ho anyway....too strict...and always makin us eat rice with no beans.



WJA3: Wowwwwwwwwwwwww. You are a dick.

Show: Jersey Shore Season 2 on tonight at 10:00. Yeaaa Boiii.

C4: Gay.

Show: I just want to see Snooka flocka Flame.




C4: Stop. We are finished.


-Tako ho!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Tako presents...NEGRO PLEASE!!!!! Pt. 1 (Wyclef for President)

With the exception of Pras, the fugees is the most lyrically untalented group of Emcees since Nelly tried to pass off that awful concoction known as the St. Lunatics as an actual rap group.


Kidding.


Pras has always sucked and the fugees were still dope. Don't get mad pras, you just suffer from "Vinnie from Naughty by Nature Syndrome." The sum = greater than the parts of the whole. Nothing to be ashamed of.


Unfortunately for this Grammy winning group, the personal trials and tribulations of the actually famous band members led to the demise of the supergroup +1. Wyclef turned all root reggae Haitian rebel activist bob Marley imitator and Lauren hill....well, that bi*ch went rasta and crazy.




Too much Purple Hayzona.


But f**k all that. Lauren has a dope new song and Wyclef, well....he's just lost his god damned mind. Oh yea, a friend of mine and good friend of Pras has informed me that he has just finished a documentary where he lived undercover as a homeless man on Skid row for a few months and is recovering from a brief episode of being shot at by Somali Pirates he was trying to catch. I shit you not. Google it.


See below: New Lauren Song...then Back to Clef'.






The Actual Unbelievable News Headline.


Several reports made this week have revealed that musician/philanthropist Wyclef Jean may possibly be considering running for president in his native country of Haiti.


Show: You go Clef!!!! So what if you stole a bunch of money through YELE and used it to trick on Hoes. Clinton did it. Kinda. The presidential posters would be dope.

Wja3: Skerrrrrrrrt ! If you've ever looked like this, you will not be president.

Wja3: Sorry Show, Sorry Weezy. Suit or not, it aint happening.




Throughout his career Wyclef has worked on raising awareness of various issues in Haiti. He became one of Haiti's strongest supporters following the earthquake that struck the country earlier this year.


While Wyclef did recently share with CNN that he has filled out all the paperwork required to enter the presidential race, a statement made by Yele Haiti revealed that Wyclef has yet to make a decision on whether or not he will run.


Wyclef’s commitment to his homeland and its youth is boundless, and he will remain its greatest supporter regardless of whether he is part of the government moving forward,” read a statement made by Wyclef’s organization, Yele Haiti. “At this time, Wyclef Jean has not announced his intent to run for Haitian president.”


Wyclef has yet to respond publicly to reports of his possible presidential run. The deadline for candidates to declare themselves in the presidential race is August 7.



C4: I say as long as you are white people friendly (aka sanz dread locks) and can cry like this when the earthquake is at its most poppin'-est point (don't judge my vernacular)....



C4: Well then, my ninja..... Anything's possible.




Tako: Good luck my dude. Pause.

Wja3: SMH at unnecessary pause.

Show: You should have said SMHP. Shaking my "head" Pause. You never know who's listening.

Wja3: I hate you.


--Taka!!!

Breaking News...Rick Ross = MC Gusto from CB4


Maybe you like the new Ricky Ross song "Blowin Money Fast (BMF)" where he makes reference to black drug dealing icons Demetrius "Big Meech" Flenory and Gangster Disciples Founder Larry Hoover...maybe you hate it for all that it stands for...maybe you even hate it because Rick Ross has no lyrical talent but has such a penchant for picking good beats that his fat ass (no homo) still makes your head nod (pause.)

Nevertheless....

I feel like Big Meech....

Larry Hoover....



Whippin work....



Hallellujah.






All jokes aside, I'm sure Larry Hoover (whos life imprisonment status gives him nothing but time to think about how he fu*ked up)and who has since, supposedly, turned his life around and is trying to do good, does not appreciate a fat, ex-correctional officer glorifying his ex drug dealer lifestyle.


Big Meech still has cases pending and has voiced his displeasure...He's basically like "we started this shit and we are gangsters...we don't know this rick ross nigga...hes a fraud."


Quite frankly, I could give a fuck what Big meech has to say, he's a drug peddling street urchin killing communities and rocking more ice than me. Don't drop the soap in front of some dude whos mom your BMF homies sold dope to. Actually, in keeping with this idea (the "glorifying gangsters who are still alive" idea, not the "anal rape in jail" thing) it seems pretty funny that gangsters (i.e. John Gotti Jr. getting mad at Rick for using "Teflon Don", Freeway Ricky Ross getting mad at Rick for using his name, etc.) think they're entitled to monetary compensation as a result of niggas being dumb enough to think that what they did is cool.


Its all good and well until someones daughter is hooking for crack rock...and ladies don't start gettin all preechy, suck*in di*k for free bottles of Rose' in the club is almost as bad. LOL.


Back to Officer Ricky....


I'm literally shaking my head...and while I love the song, I cant help but compare Rick Ross to CB4's MC Gusto....A wannabee rapper who stole the name and image of a gangster who had just gone to prison.



Gotta love Chris Rock. Pause.

Anyways... Keep it gangsta.


Bawse!!!


-Show

Monday, July 26, 2010

C4's Subway Etiquette Rules


This one goes out to all our nappyheaded New York fans out there, reading this shortly after another classic summer Monday commute to work. Bros and Sis's in Philly, DC and Boston might relate too, and if we have any readers in San Francisco, God bless you.

It's Monday. It's July. You rode the subway this morning. It was hot an overcrowded, no matter which line you ride. If you ride the A train, God bless your heart for resisting the urge to commit homicide five days a week. You see, Nappy Non-NYers, you've got to understand that when it's hot outside, it's a good 10-15 degrees hotter on the subway platform. If you've got on a shirt and tie, that button-up will have pit-stains by the time you arrive at work, and it blows to have pit stains at 8:30am.


With all the potential pitfalls, dangers and mishaps that can occur when riding the subway at any time, there must be rules and regulations to this shit. These are the ones I live by, cuz that's how i roll. Holla at me...

1. Chivalry Rules: Strict Adherence

Always give up your seat to people who are old as fuck, visibly pregnant, or have an injury that requires a crutch/cane/etc.


Everyone else, fuck em. Seriously. You worked hard to get that much-coveted rush-hour seat. Why should some johnny/jenny-come-lately reap your rewards? They can eat a dick. Some women think that their vagina entitles them to your seat. They can eat a dick. Some women with a few gray hairs and wrinkles think that entitles them to your seat. They can eat a wrinkled dick with gray pubes. God gave all you bitches legs like me. If you are able-bodied, you can stand. You live in NYC, you're used to it. I'm not crawling back up into that sweaty hell of armpits holding guard rails and morning breath just to make you feel good. I'll stare a bitch in the face and return to my free copy of AM New York without batting an eye.

2. Never Pay The "Homeless"

Ever. Cuz they smell your giving nature and will seek your bleeding heart out. They will stare you in the face, and try to scare you into giving them some change with their funk, spittle, crazy eyes and/or foul breath. Most stories, total bullshit. It takes a lot of time to figure out who is legit and who is not. 9 times out of 10 though, this is someone who simply works this particular crowd from time to time. The funnier the pitch, the less likely they need the cash.

3. Never Ever Buy The Candy From The Kids... Unless You Really Want Some Candy

Straight up, those kids are banking more than anybody hustling on the subway. That shit is straight profit. I personally like their honesty. They let you know that they "are not selling candy for no basketball team" and that is true. These lil niggas got on fresher kicks and gear than I ever do when I see them, and that makes me hate them a little bit. But sometimes you really just want a Snickers or an M&M Peanut (which for some reason they ALWAYS have) so you pay the $1. Any more than that, fuck em. You can get that shit at Duane Reade. But at least there's no tax or change involved when you buy it on the subway.

4. Performer Payouts

Only give if you really feel entertained. If you didn't welcome it or don't feel better from this drum circle, breakdance routine or Mexican guitar duo, keep it moving.



5. If It's Rush Hour and One Car Ain't Packed, There's a Good Reason.

That one car is usually afflicted by one of the following:

-The Hot Car: You know what I'm talking about. That one subway car in which the A/C don't work. If it's rush hour, chances are the car with A/C is just as hot due to the body heat. If it's not rush hour, take into account the length of your commute, whether or not you'll have to stand, etc. It may or may not be worth it.


-Extremely Smelly Homeless Person: Both times I have rushed into a car thinking I found a jackpot seat, I was quickly awakened by the reality that there was a sleeping rider who had shit him/herself and it was running down their leg. This smells and looks disgusting. Sometimes it could be someone who recently threw up or someone with mad plastic bags that surround them fora three-ft radius.

6. Fear Not of the Loud Crazy Person...Unless You See A Weapon

9 times out of 10 that nutty bastard will leave your area after one stop. The other time, fear for your fucking life. Once I was on the C Train at West 4th St and was in the midst of what I thought was a typical loud crazy nigga. Then he pulled out a fuckin' Crocodile Dundee "That's not a knife, this is a knife" knife and started waving it around. I remained calm and still until the train stopped, then I got the fuck off that train and waited for the next one. He probably didn't kill anyone, but why find out the hard way. One of my main life rules period is "don't get stabbed." I can't risk such a major violation.

7. Always Keep A Book and an iPod on you.

The iPod shuts out the noise and keeps you entertained. The book is the most engrossing and ride-shortening. Both are great excuses to avoid pan-handlers, would-be seat-askers, salesmen and subway evangelists alike. These are your weapons in the war against wackness.


I'm C4, and I approve this message.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Celebrities Who Look Kinda Retarded... Part D'OH!






You know what time it is. Let's get right into it. " Anyone who comes up must go down. Might as well go for the gusto now..."


Keanu Reeves

Before you even go there, no, he doesn't look retarded at first glance... until you realized that he only has one facial expression. He's borderline catatonic. I feel like he's suffering from a stroke during every movie I see from him. He famously has only one money line, which goes along with his dumbfounded countenance: "whoa." Now check these pics out, and tell me you'd know they were taken at various points in time if his hair wasn't different.

Whoa...

Whoa...

Embrace me fiery dark Lord Satan!!!

Whoa. Just kidding. That was from the alternate ending of "Devil's Advocate."

Ah I love that movie. Moving on...


Khloe Kardashian


Just think how naturally a pacifier would fit in her mouth. She could totally be in adult diapers. I don't care that she's married to a 7ft-tall giant who can kick my ass. So what? He's an underachiever, in all ways, from his play on the court to his retarded-looking chubby wife who is uglier than both of her sisters. Sure he can beat me up, I'm 5'7". I bet Brock Lesnar would fuck him up though. Matter of fact, Lamar Odom might be retarded too.



C4 buys a one-way ticket to hell in...



3...


2...


1...



Yeah I said it! Gabourey Sidibe looks like a fat retard! That's it! That's all she's got. You know how you get cast as the title character in "Precious"? You look believably like someone obese and abused, and maybe slow in the head. That's it. Everyone's all, "oh she played it so honestly." Bitch please. It was close to home! And of course nobody ever wants to acknowledge the shit. People on fashion award shows and red carpet specials always talking about how beautiful and regal she is, fuck you guys you're so full of shit. If you saw Precious on the subway you would, and they would, be thinking (maybe even aloud to friends), "Eeewww look at that fat ass black ass bitch! That bitch is huge! She must shovel everything in her mouth. She'll die young. She might be retarded too." Say you wouldn't, you're a motherfuckin' liar. Sorry for cussin.

ROOOAAAARRRRR!!!!


Biz Markie


For years, I was convinced that the Biz was retarded. I always figured, wow, it's cool that this mentally challenged artist found an outlet and has been artistically accepted by the public. Nope, he's just a regular guy who looks really retarded. He's the most retarded-looking celebrity ever. Thick tongue, thick neck, strong, furrowed brow? Sounds Downs-y to me. Put it like this. I couldn't find a picture of the guy where he doesn't look retarded. It's actually part of his persona. Take a look.


But you say he's just a friend!

Glen Big Baby Davis


I love watching this guy. Beady, close-set eyes + defensive end physique + high energy = entertaining every time. The nigga even drooled the longest loogie glob I've ever seen, during the NBA Finals. Mildly gross, but ever so fitting.



But don't think this is some one-dimensional guy here. Behold, the many faces of Big Baby Davis.

Happy Baby...


Sad Baby...


Baby what?


Smile, Baby!


C42 Ya Door



Thursday, July 22, 2010

Celebrities Who Look Kinda Retarded... Part I

The title speaks for itself. This list has been haphazardly compiled using my own personal prejudices and mischievous thoughts. Some of these people look clearly like short bus shawty material, others more subtly slow. Just think about it, enjoy, and there's gonna be a sequel. Also, I didn't include some "obvious" choices. Retarded looking southern rappers will be its own post.

Without further ado,

C4 presents the following retard-resembling celebrities:

LeBron James

Sorry dick-riders, he just seems slow to me... in the face. Big ass jaw, hairline falling back, seems generally slow on the uptake... in the face I emphasize. The rest of him is very physically advanced, no homo. Thank you, slavery. Retard strength maybe?


Too many thoughts!


Counting remaining fans in Cleveland?



Ying Yang Twins

Short bus all-stars who re-wrote the book on modern day coonery. It's like the KKK created these niggas in a lab specifically with the instructions to do their bidding and make black people look awful. You win this round, racists...


Too easy...

Drake:

Mostly when he smiles for some reason, no homo...

"What am I doin'..."

"What am I doin'?!"



"Oh yeah that right, I'm doing me!"


Bold
Nicki Minaj:

Also reppin Young Money Retards...I mean Records. She's actually a pretty girl who just makes dumb faces and has a tendency to sound really Downs-y when she raps...


"Plus she got that dumb ass..."

Big Ben "Take the pussy" Roethlisberger

Looks like this...


Acts like he looks like this....


Maybe because of this....
"How about we take this to the bathroom and I'll show you the real Pittsburgh Steel..."

And this...


That's all for now Nappyheaded buddies. Stay tuned for tomorrow when we finish off this list with celebs who look and/or act even more retarded. Yay!

-C4