Monday, May 31, 2010

Ridin chrome hubs

Both My computers are acting as retarded as the love child of Helen Keller and Rain Man. I know that was fucked up, but not as fucked up as a Muslium who's favorite actor is Kevin Bacon... Or a crip who watches true blood.

Chuckle.

That being said, I've got dime pieces to see, and jerk chicken (pause) to grub upon. Sucks to be you if your working.

Let me leave you good citizens of quohog, however, with this picture taken last night at the mall.




Chrome rims on a hooptie? Nope. That'd be acceptible compared to this.




These jigaboos had the nerve to spraypaint thevwheels metalic silver, but get this.... They didn't take the time to cover up the tire!!! Look at the silver paint everywhere!!! It's like a 4 year old playing dress up painted your nails for prom!! Smh.

Aight, I'm off to the hood.

--Ssnh

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, May 29, 2010

G.A.Y.

For anyone who needs a laugh, cause Lord knows I could use one.

The other day I got this text from a girl I met...

"Hey i really wish this werent the case but i cant get past the fact that u told me u say 'gay' like its nothin. thats pretty offensive to me & i dont ever see that changing. so i duno if we should continue to talk."

My response:

"Well I have to respect your honesty. :/ it sucks but I'm not gonna lie and say I don't talk like that. I'm not the lying type. Peace"

In retrospect I feel like I should've said "that's Fu*king gay." lmao.

Enjoy your holiday weekends heathens.

--Show Charles Dutton.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 28, 2010

Barbershop heineken babies

Funny stories from the barbershop...about Heineken.






Now normally u hear some crazy, wild wicked shit in the barbershop. Niggas kickin chicks in the stomach to avoid abortions, people spending counterfeit ones in the strip club... You know, the regular shit. That being said, I can't lie and say that I'm not shocked when people say off color shit, just as long as it's in the barber shop.

Tako: off color like, "sheit I ain't racist, I got a colored TV!!"

C4: Yea. Like that.

Exactly. Even with this being said, the barbershop heineken niggas made my jaw drop (PAUSE!!!).

Black African American Negro #
1: Yea man, Heinekens are the shit.

Side note from show: no they are not. They taste like shit. They are the little retarded kid with leg braces of imported beer alongside their club footed, pigeon toed cousins with a lisp called Coronas. Ok... Continue.




Black African American Negro # 2: Yea, I taught my daughter how to walk with a heineken.

Black African American Negro # 1: You too!!???

Side note from Show: Oh he'll the fuck naw. 2 simeoultaneous instances of Sean coonery. Smh. Aiiight captain coon # 1 and 2.... tell us how....

Black African American Negro # 1: My baby used to always crawl and try to grab my heineken. So i would put it further and further. Then I'd put it on the coffee table so she had to stand up.



Wja3: passive aggressive partenting at it's best. Lol.

Black African American Negro # 1: Eventually she was able to walk to it.... I don't think she liked the taste much though.

C4: Smh.

Black African American Negro # 2: Well my daughter used to cry because she couldn't drink what daddy wad drinking. To get her off the bottle I used to have to give her my Heinekens!!!!



That shits expensive tho, so we started putting juice in a Heineken bottle. Now she drinks out a cup!

Show: Juice or Heineken? Lol.

I don't know if I can co-sign this. I mean, I'm all for teenagers havin a brew (long as they aren't driving), and letting pubescent boys whack off to playboys, but this shit right here??? Lettin Babies get twisted? Where they do that at.



Niggas, white people and native American pigmy Indian chinamen ... We have to do better. Cut it out!!! ( uncle Joey voice). Lol.




-Show


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, May 27, 2010

S.I.B.E: How fine is she?



First off I want to give a huge shout out to the Big Homies Naledge and Double O aka Kidz in the Hall for officially Co-signing the Nappy Headed Bros and hopefully broadening our fan base...who are we kidding...we just want so residual groupies...



Naledge dont be greedy!!!




Nah, all jokes aside, Naledge's decision to put the Bros as weekly columnist on his Braniac society blog was definitely a step in the right direction. In honor of this monumental occasion (and to distract from the amount of meat hopping I just did), I'm gonna talk reckless.



The Bros Present....S.I.B.E.


I'm not a girl so I can't tell you what they think. I am, however, a self proclaimed expert on many things I know nothing about. That being said, I'm going to assume that whatever I say about women is absolutely true until verified to the contrary.


Remember back when the standard of fineness was to be determined by the phrase "I'd hit that raw." Yep. Pretty reckless, but not nearly as reckless and disgusting as the equivalent statement would be in 2010. As evinced by the amount of baby mama's and high rate of STD's among moderately attractive and ugly women, its obvious niggas are smashing raw with reckless abandon. What then, becomes the quintessential standard of a girl's aesthetic worth?


"She's so fine I'd wife that?"



Nope. This statement is inherently flawed because people wife women for monetary gain, stability, to get some butt-butt and to keep other niggas from smashing. Niggas have be wifing up average chicks since the days of paper food stamps. This cannot be described as a sole correlative cause resulting from her sheer beauty.


"She's so fine I'd shoot a hot one in her."

Getting closer...only problem is, people are shooting hot ones in all types of scantily clad semen mouth skanks in as indiscriminate a manner as MLK at a diversity fest. Next statement please.


Now, let me preface the following by saying that the Notorious B.I.G. once said, "She looks so good, I'd suck on her daddy's di*k". That line was gay as anal Crabs, however, the fat man (no peter griffin) had a point. A females attractiveness should be measured in terms of what ridiculous shit you would willingly do in order to partake in her moo-shoo buffet.

Suckin toes? Easy. Licking butt? Soooooo 2008. Plus Jail niggas do it. LOL.


Oral? What are we in 8th Grade? Anal? Bo-ring. Snow-balling.....ummmmmm....no homo, but now we're talking,


Not only is the shit freaky and embarrassing, its also kinda gay to eat skeet, but not that gay because its your own, and mixed with female slob. We have a winner. This being said the Bros have developed a sliding scale of deplorable behavior which a female could induce one to do if in fact she was "J-lo wearing a Beyonce mask" fine.


Tier one: S.I.B.E


Based on the acronym, these girls would be described as so fine you would "skeet in her butt and eat it." Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!???? Yea nigga I said it. Tell me you wouldn't do that if Ciara told you too....I thought so.













Tier 2: S.E.S.I.B.E (Pronounced Seis-Ebay)

Wja3: How the fu*k can there be a tier two after that!!??? That's as reckless as you can get!!

Show: There are 3 tiers WJ-I.Am the 3rd.


Yes that's right folks...the SIBES (not to be confused with SIDA) can be topped...but only by the SESIBES. These are the girls so fine that you would let (or passively ignore the fact) that someone else skeeted in her but and still eat it!!!!!

Tako: Like Eating Mariah's butt after Nick Cannon just smashed. I feel you. He looks clean.
I aint Sesibe-ing a chick after Rick Ross or nothin though...I don't care how fine she is!!!

C4: What about Lauren London after Wayne?

Lefleur: Showrock would do it.

WJA3: this is sooooooo gay.

And... (yes, I know that's not a proper way to start a sentence....its also not proper to be talking about eating skeet out of butts), WJA3 might be right. The aforementioned statements are so flamingly reminiscent of Miss J Alexzander (aka wild homo) that in order for one to make them, a girl has to be fine as vintage wine....Superbad like mclovin....


Do they exist? I'll let you all be the judges. You can lie to your friends, but not to your inner conscience. Fu*ck what you'd do for a Klondike bar, what would you do for Eva Mendez? LOL.










This post is already dead. I'm just trying to think of the female equivalent. Like what do yall say about a guy to judge his fine-ness factor? He's so fine I'd top him off? Bo-ring. Suck his toes? If you're into that.


Guess I'll just have to plant secret mics and see what women say about me when I walk by. Ha!!!!

--Senior Frog
"yea son, she gon be eatin my tadpoles tonite" .

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Steeeeaalin' in the Name of The Lord!


Goooooo tell it on the moun-tain, Over the hills and in the shade!
Goooooo tell it on the moun-tain, We bastards gon' get paid!!!


C'MON SON! Stealing and church unfortunately have clearly been linked in the past in various different settings and schemes. The dastardly deed of reaching back into the collection plate has been literally and figuratively done by deacons and ministers, priests and ushers alike.





Show: If you f**kin with me, Really fu**in with me.....you'll put your hands in that collection plate, be my little thief...(Usher Voice.)


Tako: Show, you stupid.


Show: I'm just sayin. Look at her. Thats the reason why I sing. LOL.

Anyways... dis shit right herrrre, nicca?!?!?!

Coming straight out of a legit article from a legit source I'm still straight up flabergasted, uphauled and perplexed. Then upon a secondary review of the situation, I'll simply say


"read the names of these coons. We should've known these niggas was up to no good."


"They played and sang uplifting spiritual music for several churches, but after the praise and worship and soul food fellowship was through, police say they came back and stole more than $100,000 worth of equipment from several Georgia churches.

Police charged gospel singers Deshawn Rico Thomas, 28, of Augusta and Rico Pionegro Blackshear, 28, of Dublin with nine counts of theft and burglary.Police had been investigating break-ins at several central Georgia churches. A tipster suggested they take a closer look at Thomas and Pionegro. A search warrant revealed the stolen equipment in the pair's vehicles and homes.


No one is perfect. I'm not sure what would push these two men to praise the Lord one minute and then steal the equipment that other Christians use to praise the Lord in the next. It's not about what we do or say in public that counts but what happens when no one is looking. As my mother quoted to me all the time as a child, "What you do in the darkness shall come to light."





Show: No disrespect to your mom....but Nigga she stole that from Tyler Perry!!!

If these men are found guilty of theft, the churches that they stole from have an opportunity to practice what they preach and forgive these two wayward men.




Show: Yea but doesn't the Bible say an eye for an eye? If thats the case my theory about R-kelly getting an eternal afterlife full of golden showers may not be true. You mean to tell me that man's laws are binding, but the lord's are transitory? We just have to turn the other cheek (no homo) ?


C4: Now hold on, thats not what I'm saying.



Tako: In the words of 50 cent comparing himself to Dr. Martin Luther King, "It's non-violent, non-violent untill I'm hit with a rock....then it's Coretta fu*ck this sh*t, go get me my gloc" LMAO. C4's saying the church has to forgive...not god. God's there right now like, "oh, yall niggas wanna run up in my crib and steal shit? I got something for that ass playboy."


Wja3: There's a reason we encourage people to be God-fearing...I'm just saying. Tako may be right. In the end though, It will be interesting to see how the church reacts.


What do you think?



Show: I think.....



C4: Not you. The viewership.

Thoughts?
- The Bros.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Cin sity...almost the finale.

After nearly a week of C4 Blowing up every bathroom in a 10 mile radius, and lefleur spitting game like he swallowed a monopoly board, the bros sin city adventure is finally wrapping up. Lots of memories...



Who could forget label whores Show-sho and Hiep-hop wearing matching Louie belts (gay) and show just dressing obnoxious.


Im talking polo EVERYTHING while quoting that lil Wayne song... "polo t-shirt polo drawerssssssss"


Oh yea, and the trick daddy lyric "you don't know nann ni**a, that wear more polo shit than me bi*ch!" all the while wearing two Jesus pieces OVER a tie and dress shirt. Smh. Coon.

Other trip hilights include a video taken of a homeless man's standoff with the police after he looked like he tried to take a whiz on the cop car. Check out the screen shot until we are able to upload the video. Lol.




This was funny for a while, then we bounced because well.... They were cops and we are black. I'm just sayyyyyyin (dream voice.)

C4: Yea, and show is a coon timebomb waiting to go off so why let it happen in front of the law.

Show: I'm a coon? You stood on a chair in the restaurant with a 180 ounce beer!!!


C4: Well you and lefleur were pretending to surf in the club, then went around screaming "shots, shots" like lil John with a whole Brazilian soccer team.




Mind you, based on what I see on TV, these bitches mustve been the ugliest women from brazil. No offense ladies.


Show: yea yea yea (rihana voice... Pause).

I prefer to leave our own business out of this... I'm trying to find a respectable girl and y'all ain't helpin. Lol.

So.... How about some memorable quotes?

" I can't do 2 for 50... 25 a piece is the lowest I can go."

"I can't believe they are so racist towards guys down here."

"She is like B.T.T fine... Make you wanna bite the tampon."

"Fu*ck waiting in line. I hot the biggest di*k in this casino."

"I respect your fatness."

"Damn, I'm in pain."

"I don't want no pussy beer in my face."

"Why wear pants with my ass hanging all out. Now the meat, that makes sense."

"Keep the coffee coming like I keep the ladies coming."

"I don't trust no Mexican with my cake."

"Why you living in the past? Stop thinking about her, she dead."

"Half the fun is WAKING UP and drinking."

"Ugly bitches: the opposite of pretty ladies."

"Well then, poop at will."

"You trying to get me drunk with your breath? Smell like straight yac!"

And finally after 97 Bud Lights, 12 Keystone Lights, too many mixed drinks, more blown bread than we care to remember on clubs, slots, tables and buffets, sightings of Lem-Ons and SIBE's, expelling noxious fumes, watching MTV Jams, not sleeping enough and laughing as hard as we want, the NappyHeaded Vegas Trip comes to an end.

Stay tuned for our next destination of coonery, buffoonery and hogwash tomfoolery.

Live, Love, Life Vegas 2 Ya Door,

Show-Sho and C4

Monday, May 24, 2010

Don't Even Need To See It Vol. 3: Karate Kid







Once again, here I am critiquing a movie I've only seen the trailer for, and once again everything you're about to read will be accurate until you can prove me wrong.

This one is a little different, however. I've seen The Karate Kid. You know, in the '80s.






So I really don't need to see Black Karate Kid, because keep it real that's what this nonsense is.






Let me get this straight. A skinny little black kid who happens to look like Riley from the Boondocks, played by Will Smith's son Jaden, tries to walk around his hood but always get beat the fuck up by gangs of middle school aged Asians, until Jackie Chan happens to be coming out of AA with his 60-day sobriety coin and teaches him the art of ka-ra-te (that's just what it looks like, of course I haven't seen it). Meanwhile cool fight scenes ensue along with culture-related hilarity like pretending to attempt to catch a fly with chopsticks then killing it with the swatter.

"Yes, Hollywood Restaurant, how may I help you?"

"Yeah, hi, this is C4. I'd like to order some General Tso Chicken with a side of NIGGA PLEASE!"

Get the fuck outta here. Where is this movie geographically set, where black kids walk around living in fear of Asians?! Is this San Francisco? Cuz it damn sure ain't Oakland. If there is only one black kid in the neighborhood and there's actually a group of tough ass Asians you know what they'd really do? They would all meat hop and try to be his friend because everybody knows there's nothing cooler than being the kids on the block with a black friend, ESPECIALLY if you're Asian. They are the number one jackers of all things black. Oh yes. The 2010 census confirms that in the past decade Asians have surpassed white people in this category. Blacks were too busy dressing like punk rockers to notice. But I digress.






Why give the kid shit? On top of being black, he has cornrows!!! What's more hood than cornrows? Only guns and underachievement. Other than that? Nothing! Were this a movie of another name, say something gay like Hong Kong Hip Hop, he would teach them the art of swagger and they would teach him his times tables. But I digress again.

I'm sorry man. I know a lot of you out there agree with me. You simply can't remake Karate Kid. You can't. It's too classic, point blank. The original should be required viewing in schools, like "The Miracle of Life" in sex ed. It wreaks of the '80s, the decade seeping from its pores like alcohol at the gym, and it brings back soooo many memories.





You know they're already setting up for sequels too, right? Look how young Jaden Smith is. He won't hit puberty for another couple of years, and when he does? BAHNG! Black Karate Kid 2. When he's of driving age? BAHNG! Black Karate Kid 3. You know Hollywood is shameful enough to do this. Ruthless bastards.





The movie is too iconic, and probably more relevant at the core of it all is that the characters are too iconic. Mr. Miyagi = Pat Morita like F = ma (remember physics?). Wax on, wax off. Say that and only one visual comes to mind. And now he's dead so it's even wronger to remake it today. The man is rolling over in his grave! No disrespect to Jackie Chan because I actually think it's quite a shrewd casting decision to have him play the trainer. It looks like he plays the part honestly, and I have faith in that because he has the perfect blend of comic timing, martial arts ability and respect for the role to pull it off.






But let Pat Morita rest in peace.

And what about Ralph Macchio?





What else does Ralph Macchio have to live for?!?!?! His entire career began and ended with this movie. He. Is. The. Karate. Kid. It's all he has. If this thing gets huge we might find him hanging in a closet wearing women's lingerie like David Carradine. Do we really want to live through that news story? Is little Jaden Smith emotionally able to handle the burden of taking a man's life on his hands? I don't think so. Please, don't see this movie. For Ralph Macchio.

Verdict: On Ralph Macchio's life and Pat Morita's soul, Black Karate Kid is a NappyHeaded NO!


Once More 2 Ya Door,
C4

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Dead On Dubs

Some dudes ride chrome all the way to the cemetery...





So they get their HEARSE ON DUBS!!!





Reckless.

-Bros in Vegas

Friday, May 21, 2010

NappyHeaded Vacation Tomfoolery!


NappyHeadedBros are live from Las Vegas right now, wildin out getting faded with Scoochie LaFleur who just fucked up his leg walking into a bed with no bitches in it, 1:48am PDT or 4:48 PDT.

Update: from the bedroom could be heard the sounds of Showrocka dropping a deuce in the bathroom, and I almost passed out laughing.

It was quite the adventure for C4 and LaFleur to make it from NYC to meet Showrocka out here. Where to begin? How about the airport....

While waiting to board the first plane, taking us from LaGuardia to Ft. Lauderdale, an older white dude decided to bless us with his entire catalogue of corny jokes. The highlight though he said in all sincerity. With a family of Latinos maybe ten feet away tops, he's like "What are they waiting for they're all just illegal immigrants." I put my head in my hand and tried not to laugh cuz I don't really rock with immigrant jokes, cuz back in the day those were nigger jokes, ya dig?

Next up was a ride on Spirit Airlines, which we came to realize was an experience like none other.



A hot ass first plane with old ugly flight attendants, ads for credit cards and timeshares, no leg room for short ppl, ppl bumping me all crazy since I was in an aisle sear.. There was also a man with the most spectacular look, no queer eye. He had a mustache that was like the love child of Tom Selleck's mustache and Mr. Monopoly's mustache, accompanied by a mane of hair that could only have been inspired by the '70s.



That was the JV plane though.

The next plane had two male flight attendants. One was a white guy from the Bronx (we got into a convo about how the ads in the cabin made it look like a subway) who told me I sound like I'm from Brooklyn. I didn't argue cuz he looked like the kind of guy who can get a moolie wacked like Sam Jackson in Goodfellas. The other was a Lionel Richie looking brother who had maaaaad jokes.



LaFleur was like "is this soul plane???" It was. He was making jokes about weaves, getting ur hair did satday, taking us to Little Rock, the whole plane was crackin up. "You know them fake gucci bags, water touch em the letters fall off!"

He went in! He even started making Saturday morning Kung Fu movie jokes and talking on the mic with the old mouth-making-shapes-that-don't-match-words-spoken routine. And yes Asians were on the plane. No one cared.

Not to mention the tough lesbian in front of us rocking a Colorado Rockies fitted edited so that next to the CR was stitched in white, "EAM" so the hat read CREAM. Reckless. And we ain't even GET to Vegas yet.


The guy sitting next to us apparently had a pretty dope lifestyle. Middle age white guy, bald head and goatee, kind of hard face that makes black people nervous if he encounters it in the Deep South, lives in Costa Rica and works in the southern Caribbean drilling oil. I wish I worked in a profession that allowed me to enjoy great weather all the time. Wait, I do. I just haven't moved to LA yet. Early!

Then at the end of the flight during the descent, this Lionel Richie attendant started playing the harmonica!


Going hard! At the end when he was done, he ended the song and handed the harmonica back to who? The dude with the 'stache!

Im pretty sure nothing else that's gonna happen this weekend is suitable for the Internet.

C4 2 Ya Casino!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Tough lesbians

Now I've already been labeled a hater and mysogonist (I can't spell, I know) so I guess pointing out the apparent ridiculousness and hilarity of "tough lesbians" doesn't really help my case. So be it. In all honesty, it's not that I hate "the gays" (lol at me using "the") so much as I don't really give a rats ass about their frickin gripes. You want equal rights? Fine. Just as I would talk shit about any other Tom fool acting out, I must similarly point out your flaws and shortcomings (pause) in a similar manner.

Now...How you like them apples? Or should I say peaches. Lol.





Now let's get past the fact that we men want lezbo hoes, sorry... Alternate lifestyle women....to look like this....




We know it's not reality, but it sure is purrrrty. This being said, my problem isn't about being a lipstick lesbian (hot and girly) versus being a butch... The problem is as follows:

Tough lesbians stay acting like they can fu*k you up! !! Like damn son... You must've ate the last gangsta cookie from the gangsta cookie jar or something.




Yes your "girlfriend" is hot, but we ain't trying to steal her...she don't even like di*k!!

Still, these broadzillas walk around looking extra hard (pause) like they are better at being a man than you are!

You wouldn't like gay men walking around acting like they can suck better di*k than you, now would you?




It'd be a huge inconvenience for the prominent portion of the punani packing population if perpetrating pansies were buying up all the Victorias secret pastel panties in your size!!! Right?

I mean, trust, I'm a medium sized dude. OK, I'm lying, with growth hormones running rampant, I am the size of a "fit"woman. I can't get a medium sized hoodie because if you broads! Now I'm forced to buy oversized clothes like Kris Kross or Another Bad Creation (don't front like they weren't dope) back in 1992 or look like a "Kanye" wearing clothes smaller than the New Boyz. I may be a jerk, but I'll be damned if I let some skinny jeans tie me down!

C4: ummmmmmm... (pulls up pic on iPhone)





Show: why u bringing up old shit. That was Halloween. Lol.

Nevertheless, the point of the story is... I'd never hit a woman, but in a fair one, I'd fuck a lesbian chick up. Beat the brakes of her... Slap the sushi smelling slob out her mouth!!!

Y'all ain't tough!!!





Ok, maybe y'all are...

But just like I hope you women would win in a knob slobbin', booty shakin' or handjob competition, most men could whip a tough lesbians ass!!

I'm just sayyy-in. (Dream voice).

Gender roles exist not as a social construction but as an innate part of our DNA that makes sense. Quit messin with Jah's work before somebody gives y'all the business! Lmao.

Live from JFK and Vegas bound...

-Show
Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Homeless Hitmen??? Where They Do That At?!?!?!

Stay tuned for my next book, "Killing Your Spouse The Fast and FUN Way!"

Stop playin' son.

In case you're not up on your TMZ game, here are the stats.

Name: Juan-Carlos Cruz

Claim To Fame: Former Host on Food Network shows "Calorie Commando" and "Weighing In."

And now for the plot as reported by TMZ the other day...

Originally posted May 16th 2010 1:00 AM PDT by TMZ Staff

TMZ has obtained a series of text messages between former Food Network host Juan-Carlos Cruz and the homeless men he allegedly tried hiring to kill his wife -- and it seems Cruz had other potential hitmen in the wings if 3 guys turned him down.

The homeless men whom Cruz allegedly solicited told TMZ he gave them a phone to contact him.

SKEEERRRRTT!!!!

What part of the game is that?!?! "Wait, lemme just leave all this evidence lying around so you catch me. In case you weren't completely aware of my nefarious plans, I'll just go ahead and provide you with these devices that store written evidence. No, don't thank me, thank you!"

Clearly this nigga is not a fan of The Wire, or else he would know better than to be all on the phone at all, let alone bringing unnecessary phone communication into the mix. Avon and Stringer would not approve.

In all honesty he'd probably would have been caught eventually anyway, but thank God he's too stupid to ever pull such a devious crime off, and deserves to be punished for his cruelty, but more for his stupidity. What an amateur. What a douche bag. What a waste of semen. But we continue....

According to the texts on that phone, they became frustrated and threatened to bail on the gig because of Cruz's payment plan -- ten 100 dollar bills ripped in half ... the guys would get half of each bill when they agreed to the hit and the other halves after they kill Cruz's wife.

Cruz texted the men: "Have already been burned with whole bills then no show thats why do it this way."

He then texted: "Have 2nd party ready 2 take over if u dont want it r u in?"

SKEEERRRRTT!!!!

What is possibly going through this guy's mind while plotting this whole scheme?

Was he like, "Well I want to have my wife killed by somebody else, cuz I'm not really good at covering stuff up on my own and it might get messy, but I don't wanna spend a lot of money. I need an affordable hitman. Who does stuff for cheap? Homeless people, yes! They're all on crack, they'll do anything! Cheap! Hmmm, I guess it should be a group of them, like three, so it can get done thoroughly. $1000 apiece sounds reasonable. $3000 total is a LOT less than a divorce would cost, that's for sure! But you know, the last time I approached a homeless guy with this he took my money, so I'm gonna cut it up first so their thirsty for it. Yeah! I'm diabolical!"

Idiot.

Yup, the would-be assassins.

Kudos to the homeless guys for at least being like, "Ummmm, no I want the whole bill."

Cruz also used the phone to set up meets with the men -- one text read, "Call me i have a proposal," another read "Meet me at the spot in a hour," while another said "Meet at starbucks 10 am to discuss details about wed." We're told the last few texts were from the day Cruz was arrested. Cruz wrote "I am on my way" twice, "By [sic] there in a min" and finally "Almost there everything ko [sic]." No, everything was not ok for Cruz. The 3 homeless men were secretly working with cops.


How does the wife feel knowing hubby didn't even have the decency to hire niggas with homes to kill her? And for $3K? Chill. Is she more hurt about the price, the homelessness, or the general betrayal? I bet right now she feels all distraught that the alleged love of her life wanted to end hers, but time heals all wounds. As time goes on and she stops caring about his ass it'll be less pain about betrayal and more about the indignance over the cheapness of the botched job.

Can't you see her now like, "I knew he was a cheapskate. Wouldn't even pay a professional, just like when the toilet backed up." Damn. I'm sure it's easier for a killer to sleep at night if he has a f**kin bed to lay his head on, LOL.

Yeah I know I'm wrong for this. But you know what I'm thinking? The same thing so many of you reading this right now are thinking....

"Thank God it wasn't a black guy!"

WOOOOOOO!

C4 2 Ya Door, No Chef No More.