Friday, April 30, 2010

I Don't Even Need To See It: Vol. 1 - Robin Hood

N***a please.

Every once in a while we Bros lend our hands to other realms of news and entertainment, like music reviews and sports theories. Today C4 The Blog Killah will combine theatrical and literary talents and launch the newest NappyHeaded endeavor, movie critiquing.

Today's subject is clearly Robin Hood, but this is no review, NappyFam. I haven't seen this new Robin Hood movie coming out, but like far too many other new feature films these days, I know basically all I need to know from watching the trailers and commercials. And I dare any of you to find fault with my assessment after the movie has been released, you've seen it, and my opinion has been supported by what you have seen. Yeah, I'm that confident. But let me tell you why in our newest NappyHeaded segment...

Accurate Critiques of Movies Based On Trailers and Commercials aka I Don't Even Need To See It!

By the early '90s there were three definitive versions of Robin Hood floating around that more or less shaped the minds of people who were fairly young and alive at that time:

Disney's animated Robin Hood (the greatest),

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves (the most critically acclaimed, starring Show's boy Kevin Costner),
Show: Yeerrrrp! My Caucasian Counterpart!

and Robin Hood Men In Tights (the funniest, featuring a young Dave Chappelle.)






Soon a new Robin Hood will coming out starring Russell Crowe. The difference between this one and the old ones is that the other three, despite wide variation in interpretation, basically maintained the same character and story. This one does not and it pisses me the hell off.

We all know how the story goes. This witty charming arrow-slinger and his PAUSE merry men kick it in the forest catching rich people slipping, sticking them for their guap and giving it to the poor. There's a fat guy in the crew ironically named Little John, and Robin Hood has the hots for a dime piece named Maid Marian. Ooly-ollie-ooly-ollie-golly what a day and shit.

Then here comes Russell Crowe and his band of douche bags trying to turn the shit into 300 Bravehearts by another name. Since when did Robin Hood tote a big ass Excalibur sword while screaming on a horse charging towards niggas like rassclot rudebwoys bussin more fiyah inna di air? It don't make no sense!
WTF?!

And he's got ZERO sense of humor. 3/4 of the hook is that he makes you run your pockets and makes fun of you while he does it. Sometimes he'll leave a catchy message for punk ass Prince John. Dis nigga Russell Hood looks like he does in every other movie since Gladiator: like vicious hemorrhoids, heartburn and diarrhea are part of his character choice (and there's nothing funny about that is there?).

Don't think I don't know your tricks, Russell Crowe! You're not acting. You're an asshole in real life, you get no Oscar for that crap, jack! You wanna impress me? Play a nice guy, and do it well. Like Forrest Gump, or The Dude in Big Lebowski, or Robin H... Nevermind.

And how do they play it off? "The untold story of how he became a legend." Don't feed me that bullshit prequel Equal, I want that raw cane sugar nukka! Pause, no sweet 'n low.

Where is the element of surprise???

So I hereby declare NappyHeaded Condemnation of this mockery of a wonderful story once featuring awesome cartoons, Dave Chappelle and the Blog Monster's namesake. Just in case the movie proves me wrong, tell me why, and depending on your argument I'll tell you whether or not you should go kick rocks with no socks.

Ya Dig?!?!

-C4 2 Ya Door

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Cereal Daters Pt. 2/2: The Men

You wanted it, and like La SIDA we were gonna give it to you anyway even if you didn't want it.

So, without further ado, Blogface and Blogness present to you, the second installment of our attempt to figure out women like the secret devil worshipping message in Jay Z songs.

Forrest Gump said life was like a box of Chocolates. Sure he was retarded, but I'm sure he would agree that bitches are like a box of cereal...and so are bitch ass Neyyyyyuuugggggaaaaaas (Stinkmeaner voice.)



Cereal Daters Pt. 2 of 2 : The Men (Pause).


Corn Flakes:

The name says it all. This dude is a cornball, a lame, a herb, a chump, a sucker, however you wanna call it. He might have a well-paying job, and the money to buy you drink after drink, so he is often seen with Frosty Flakes and Trix. Yeah it's still Trixing if you got it, cuz keep blowing your Chex and homie you won't have it much longer. The rich Corn Flake is often seen in the company of women out of his league who either will fuck him for the trickin' or will simply accept it and play him at the end of the night. Why? He has no game. None whatsoever, because he has the personality of a blade of grass, or is an annoying dork. The same applies to his less affluent brethren who simply stay at home with Vaseline and high-speed internet, because No Money + No Personality = No Snappy-Nappy.


Cap'n Crunch

This brother puts up more impressive stats than most of our cereal daters because he keeps himself in shape: your classic gym rat. The Cap'n's crunches, curls, presses and calf raises are always on point, so the birds flock to the cock. If he is halfway good-looking then he'll be aight without any game at all...to a point. The more savvy lady (who gives a shit about this) will lose interest fast if the brain muscle has remained unworked since 5th grade.

All in all though the Cap'n has less work to put in cuz he's prettier for y'all chicks to look at. But buyer beware, cuz he probably gives less of a shit about you for this same reason. He's most likely to play you, and in severe cases of gym-o-philia, might even prefer sculpting his own abs over skeeting on yours. Ulgxh!

Life

Now, before you get all excited thinking life partner or that special someone who makes your life complete, remember....We are the NappyHeadedBros not the magical fantasy fairies fictitiously fabricating false utopias. We keep it 100. That being said, the "Lifer's" are just that...the mofo's who can't keep their coca crisp, pepperican or alabaster asses out of jail.


Go ahead...say something? I know a few blog readers with baby daddies in and fresh out of jail.


Nothing wrong with this, (well, actually there's plenty wrong with it...but thugs need love too. no homo.) Point of the matter is, just know what your getting into. Just like the heart healthy cereal which is lightly sweetened, your little jailbird nigga should be healthy as a whistle (having all day to lift weights and shit), while refusing to be overbearingly sweet. I'm not gonna say the nigga is unsweetened (no homo ), because hey...we all know aint no bitches in jail. LOL. Depending on the length of his bid, If your man don't come home with his right arm looking strong as fuck, or bust the bigegst load you ever seen in your life...your man may be part Life and part Fruity pebbles. Smh.



Special K



Keymani, Kevin, Kendrick, Killa...Whatever. You met this dude and were like WOW. K is special.

Translation: This nigga's retarded.


Now, when I say this I don't mean this type of single fellow rides the short bus or has a little hand...I just mean to say that he is, well...not that bright. Sure he may wine and dine you, give you a good third legging and keep your weave stitched errrry week, but he just does too many things that make you wonder...did this dude eat paint chips when he was a little kid?


If he asks you questions like "when is Cinco de Mayo?", "Where do you keep your ice trays", goes to see a tyler Perry play and upon being seated looks at name tags and says "Damn, all these niggas are named Usher", or looks at his favorite sports team's schedule and says "who's TBD and why do we play them so much?" you got yourself a special K. LMAO. I mean, SMH.


Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles:



If your single nigga hook-up for the night stares at himself too much while doing the nasty, he may just be conceited... If he asks for anal, he may just be freaky. If old boy asks for a finger in the booo-tay, however, he is a flippantly flaming gay. Where they yabba-dabba-DO that at?? LMAO.

You've all met the brotha with a little to much bounce in his step, sugar in his tank or Kirk in his Franklin...I don't even know what that last one means, I just made it up cause Kirk Franklin's porn loving ass looks like a little homo. No offense.

Anyways, these are the type of baby faced brothers who'd probably rather be called "pebbles" in the bed room despite your need for a Bam-Bam, thank you maam. Let the fruity pebble make your Bed rock if you want, just don't be surprised when you find questionable material in the rubble. LOL.


Urban Black Male: That shit is funny.


Show: You aint off the hook, sensitive thug.



Just like the fruity pebbles who prefer the "booty do" to the "Stanky [3rd]Legg", the undercover brothers tend to like stroking more than their own egos. Down low niggas? Yeah, they exist...and we gonna call them mofo's cocoa pebbles. LOL. See above for the same explanation all over again.



And there you have it. Another Bros exclusive all summed up in a cereal box. The perils of single life. Ahhhhhhhhhh (no homo.)

But don't fret our pets (urkel voice....)





There are a few good womens [sic] and men (pause) out there in that cereal giant bowl we call the dating pool. You just gotta make sure you find the total package....






Only then can that special someone make the transition from a hasty little breakfast on the go into your daily, must-have, calcium fortified boo.




Dead. :)

--C4 & Show-Sho

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cereal Daters Pt. 1 of 2: The Women...

This is the first time I've sat at my upstairs computer in a while (aka the one with no itunes or porn, thereby meaning I'm not as distracted.)


I've been thinking a bit about this whole single life thing, and the main thing I think I've learned, through conversations with my favorite blogger Khaki and my boys, is that single ladies are a pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong, they're nice to hang with and I much prefer it to hanging out with Married hoes or trifling chicks cheating on their man, but in the end it comes down to one thing.


There are many types of single ladies and they're all different. Some are good, some are bad.


The important thing isn't being able to snag all good quality A+ jawns, but rather to recognize each type of woman and treat her accordingly. I wanted to develop a rating system / single hoes report card, but figured this was waaaaay more ingenious (not to ride my own nuts or anything.)

Don't worry ladies, I'm blogging the types of single men (no homo) tomorrow, just to be fair.

So take off your condoms and get ready to splash your man milk on some faces as Showrocka present's.......



Cereal Daters Pt. 1 of 2: The Women



The Frosted Flake...





Gotta love em...Love to hate em' that is!!!



These Tony the tigers of the walking vagina world are far from grrrrrreat. These are the hoes, (not meaning promiscuous, just a word I like to use to seem edgy), who constantly make plans but ALWAYS cancel. Reasons? Well, there are really only three. 1.) Baby Daddy / Babysitter Issues, 2.) Boyfriend or Husband Issues or 3.) She's just not that into you dude (whiteboy voice).



Why even put up with this type of rude behavior, might you ask? The answer is simple. Either you like the girl to some extent and are keeping hope alive in the tradition of Jesse Jackson, you havent smashed yet and really want to, or you have an a spades hand full of other hoes and this is just another "possible." Get it? Spades, hoes? Come on...read a book on agriculture and farming. LOL.



Ladies, I know you probably think that we are suckers or havent noticed that you continually do this, but in the end I never offer a problem without a solution. Here's a secret you may not know. We always double book plans on the days we are "meeting up" with you, because we know you'll cancel. Surprise a single man by saying "yes, be there at eight. " He'll be pissed cause he'll have to cancel his date with a non flaky girl, who will then label him a flake. LOL. OOoooohhhh In yo face Nigga!!!!



The Lucky Charm...




Ever had a girl with you that you felt was just good luck...like a four leaf clover? A girl who you felt could do nothing but bring you joyus times and moments of merriment in monumental magnitudes? Yeah...me neither, so let me stop bullshitting.



The lucky charms are B's (think report cards, not cup size) of our single lady spectrum. These are the girls you call because every time you do...you get lucky! You know? Get some moo-shu....knock boots...do the "Grown-up"...the "horizontal humpty hump"...take her on a vagtastic voyage...



C4: We get it show...we get it.


The problem with this type of Beyonce (single lady) is that YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HIT IT!!! Now don't get me wrong fellas, this is definitely a good thing for us, but for the ladies it kinda sucks. The thrill of the hunt is gone...Why go for the dead Gizelle when there's fresh meat to be hunted (no jail reference.)



These girls typically end up getting drunk dialed when our attempts at post bar and houseparty coitus go sour and prove fruitless...It's OK though, because the L.C's know this is how it works and take no offense at being labeled as a regular booty call. They, not surprisingly, do it to us as well. Why do you think she only picks up half the time? It's not cause she's mad silly...it's cause somebody else is diggin in that pot o' gold.

The Trix's





I prefer to call them entrepe-whores, and in the grand scheme of my business plan, they do not fit. These are the "C-class" girls, and I'm not talkin Mercedes. These are the slut monkeys with Cristol tastes and a fourty ounce budget (be careful, in 2010 many girls are taking on traits which show evidence that Tony may be fucking the trix rabitt and producing "Frosted Flake Trix. The two types are not mutually exclusive.)

Ever been out with a girl who is not shy to order but never reaches for the bill? Yea. Does she put out?



Tako: Of course...otherwise she better have bus fare home.


Exactly. These are the "I'm not a ho" hoes. They believe in chivilry just so long as they can go to Red Lobster or Olive Garden on your tab, dance when single ladies comes on and call you when their baby daddy won't give them money for pampers...or baby phat outfits. LOL.


Guess what nigga? Trix aren't for kids...you better be a grown ass man to handle her expensive ass. Good thing is, she'll make you feel like a grown ass man in return. Daddy's home (no homo)...and it's time to play. Aint Trix-in if you got it. LOL.




Dead.
- Showrocka the Black Kevin Costner

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Get at me Dog????



In today's Nappyheaded Chronicles of "WTF-Where they do that at-ness", read this story from the Associated Press:


SEATTLE — A convicted cocaine smuggler has been arrested for running what authorities say appears to be a bestiality farm in Washington state in which visitors could engage in all sorts of twisted sex acts with animals.

Douglas Spink was arrested at his ramshackle, heavily wooded compound near the Canadian border along with a 51-year-old tourist from Great Britain who is accused of having sex with three dogs.

Dozens of dogs, horses and pet mice were seized, along with what investigators described as thousands of images of bestiality and apparent child pornography. The mice were euthanized, said Whatcom County Sheriff Bill Elfo, whose office assisted federal agents in the case.

"This stuff is just truly bizarre," he said. "These were mice that had their tails cut off, they were smothered in Vaseline and they had string tied around them."

It wasn't immediately clear whether other zoophilic tourists had been to Spink's farm, but Assistant U.S. Attorney Susan Roe said Friday, "I expect there may have been other people visiting the property."

Spink has not been charged with any bestiality or child porn charges at this point, only with violating the terms of his supervised release. Stephen Clarke of Peterborough, England, was arrested on state charges for allegedly abusing the dogs.


Go ahead niggas and nigettes...sit here and try to tell me that what Mike Vick Did was really that fucked up. Granted, you shouldn't be fighting dogs... but this? This shit right here nigga (Hov voice)???? This is out of control. I am Laughing my coca crisp colored ass off at the Vaselined mice with strings. Cruel? Yes. Funny as fuck? you bet.

Can you imagine getting busted for running trains on dogs? LMAO. Where do they do that at!!!!

For once, I think my satirically witty commentary may have been eclipsed by the sheer hilarity actual event being described! In jail they make child molesters feel like bitches, thereby getting their just desserts. What the fuck do you do to this dude though? Beats me (no homo).

I guess we just all have to agree that its a doggy dog world....where both "mice and men" truly get fucked. lol.

Let me lave you with a thought to ponder though, simply because I am a conspiracy theorist and Mike Vick Fan. He was jailed for a year for killing dogs which had been injured or maimed during the course of illegal dogfighting. Combine this with the fact that around the same time, Dante Stallworth, another football player with less money, was jailed 10 days for killing a man while driving drunk and high. This shows that the life of an animal is now being taken, at the very least, as seriously as human life. agreed? agreed.

Now, why is it that Vick gets a year for essentially euthanizing injured dogs, yet it is ok to euthanize these animals who were basically raped? Hmmm. Does "old boy the dog fucker" get charged with felony murder? Are we going to start euthanizing rape victims? Didnt think so.

Just something to think about.

Monday, April 26, 2010

The Girl with her Man's name tattooed on her neck.

Time for a Hood Rorschach Test (if you don't know what this is, read a book!!! or click here.) In walks Showrock in a Lab coat which looks like its from Halloween, holding some ink blot cards.




C4: I see a girl who's made a poor life decision without regard for the repercussions this may have on her career (even working at Wendy's or Nail school counts as a career), future or ..ahem..."marketability."


Wja3: I see a product of the well known an all too vicious cycle of poverty, ignorance and the perils of pop culture.


Tako: I see a dime piece I can probably smash, and is most likely a ride or die chick. I need one of those on my team.

C4: Tako, you have no team...and stop talking like you're from some hood in compton.

Show: Tako's got a point....


Wja3, Tako and C4 all turn their heads, apparently shocked....


The Girl with her Man's name tattooed on her neck.


(Insert MW"s translation of what this really says in Japanese. What?! It was the only pic I could find of a neck tattoo not on a black person. JK. I dont like to reinforce stereotypes. LOL.)



So back to what I was saying.

Being newly single and all, which is still not fun, I get a lot of people trying to hook me up with girls I have no interest in. Countless days of people saying "you're a good catch," this girl "has a lot going for her" only succeed in making me think, hmmmm....if she's got so much going for her, she obviously doesn't need me and will probably try to upgrade at some point. Damn. Truth hurts.

Tako: Hahaha. This nigga mad cause he got "Beyonce'd."

Point of the story is not to initiate a pity party or for me to kick Tako's ass, (fuck, he's Asian and probably knows karate) , but rather to show that "being in school," having a "good job" or "not having kids" aren't necesarily the best determinants of a good girlfriend "fit." Not always, at least...



Wja
3:
I knew he was gonna try and kick some deep shit cause he's wearing a tie. Go on....



Relationships are all about trust, sacrifice and being willing to hold each other down through thick and thin right? Well , in that case give me the girl with her man's name tattooed on her neck . She was down to not only say "i'm riding with this dude for life" (even if he wasnt...lol), and she was willing to show the world.

This being said, there's only one problem with this theory....

Girls with Niggas names on their neck look crazy!!! The neck is a ridiculous place for a tattoo...

Wja3: Nigga!!

Tako: Please!!

Show: For a woman, guys...for a woman.



Thats
where the sacrifice comes in...are you willing to look past this hood version of the Scarlett letter because you know that below the beautiful blemish that says "King Tone" you've got a good woman? I am.

Disclaimer: I'm no fool and know that 85% of girls with their mans name tattooed on them are either crazy, uber hood or complete idiots with no future, the same way that 70% of girls you met in club are whores or chickenheads. FYI, you are not ALL in the 30% of non-chickenheads just because you can read or are friends wih the Bros.

This being said, bring on the tattooed bi*ches!!!!

!

C4: What about dudes with names on their neck?

Show: Why would you be bringing me dudes, i don't get it.

C4: Never mind. Chauvinist.

I feel you though. While your discourse is at times rough around the edges I do see what you are getting at. Don't pigeonhole yourself into thinking a particular type of girl is a "good woman", thereby limiting your pool of potential. Good work Show...But I still aint dating a chick with no fuckin Neck tattoo.

Tako: Any your call yourself a Baltimore nigga. SMH.

--The Notorious B.R.O.S

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Face Guy Diet aka Show, put a Shirt on!!

Show: Someone called me a coon yesterday and accused me of being Misogynistic, possibly not liking girls and being an overall cancer on the minds of those who read this blog.

C4: So.

Show: Word.

Show: I do think they had a point in stating that sometimes the blog get redundant. Not that its our fault that our coon friends keep doing coon things.


C4: LOL. What's your solution? Please dont say more black militant posts or Anne Frank the Stripper Diaries....You're gonna get us killed. Remember the death threat?



Show: Nah. I just want to educate a little. I do have a few masters degrees....


C4: Show off....I've got one too. Ass.


Show: Yes nigga, and 2 is more than 1. Plus I'm in better shape and want to talk about health.


Tako: Make it do what it do daddy-o.


The Faceguy Diet: Showrock' Guide to a leaner, sexier you

Back in like 1910 when I was the president of a frat, doing shit like this everyday....


My brother Caveman and I used to call ourselves the Face-guys...actually, we still call ourselves that.What that meant, essentially, was that we were the "faces" of the fraternity...the guys you wanted to represent the entire 56 or so members as liaisons to the outside world. It just so happens that we were so vain that there were only 2 of us. LOL.


About a year ago, however, after many long nights of binge drinking and cheesteak hoagies, I came up with the following diet after fellow brother Slim Jones, see: Mr. Jew-Latto, said the following:


"Hey faceguys....you know when you're body gets old and fat, so does your face. Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."


To him I say, I've rebuilt my glass house and am back to throwing stones.


Follow my Advice and you can too.


The Diet


In an attempt to make diet and exercise as painless and autonomic as possible, the following acronym was created as a short, easy to remember cliff-note for preparing healthy yet savory meals which appeal to the inherent epicurean nature of us all. All you have to do is eat 6-7 small meals a day, exercise and of course….look good and smile for the f**king camera.

F-A-C-E-G-U-Y-S = Complete, Unadulterated Sexiness


Fresh Fruits and vegetables

All lean meats and proteins

California Rolls (And Creatine if performing an intense workout regimen)

Eggs (when cooking, however, use olive oil & lay off the butter)

Guinness (Yes Guinness! 126 Calories/ 10g of Carbs make this as healthy as any light beer & more filling. Substitute Amstel /Bud light or a Vodka-club if Guinness isn’t available.)

Unsweetened Oatmeal (add apples or strawberries for taste and if you must cheat, sweetened oatmeal is not so bad.)

Yellow Rice and beans (in moderation this delicious meal should prove pleasing to the gustatory senses while offering both protein and fiber.)

Salads, Shakes, Spinach and Sushi (The “S” Category, like S-Rocka, can be seen as the perfect package, offering creative ideas for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and most importantly, nights out on the town. Also, Shakes means protein shakes not 7-11 Slurpees (nice try).


Unlike most diets which focus on counting and restricting calorie intake, or punishing oneself all week only to have a “free day” of binge eating, the FG Diet focuses on practical ways to incorporate healthy eating into ones daily routine. Lets Face it (no pun intended), Face guys like to eat, drink, party and engage in copulatory behavior (which, might I add, is extra exercise).


Provided above, is a no fail dietary plan for producing a leaner, healthier you, without slowing down your lifestyle. Exercise 4/7 days of the week and you are on your way to Faceguydom. Included below are sample shopping lists and work-out plans to help you get a jump-start on your new healthy lifestyle. Eat good. Feel good. Look F**kin great. FG’s!


The Foods

Dinners: Salmon, London broil, Chicken Salad, Soup, Whole wheat spaghetti

Lunches: Salad, Rice and Beans, Open Faced Sandwich (1 slice bread), Soup, Tuna

Breakfast: Kashi Grain Cereal, Oatmeal w/ fruit, Eggs, Yogurt, Snickers Marathon Bar, Toast

Snacks: V-8 Juice, Seaweed Salad, California Rolls, Fruit, Low Fat Yogurt, Protein bar or Shake, Raw broccoli with homemade low-fat cheese & Spinach Dip, Reduced Fat Triscits.

ABSOLUTELY NO: SODAS, JUICES, DAYS OFF OR EXCEPTIONS!!!!

The Exercise

Do whatever you want, just do it hard. Don't jog, that's bitch shit, and fellas...stay your gay asses off the elliptical.


I suggest for those looking to be lean, running 3 X a week and lifting 2 x. On lifting days do a full body workout (1 -2 leg exercises, 1 chest, 1 shoulder, 1 back, 1 Bicep/ triceps combo.)



For those looking for more bulk, lift 3-4 times a week and run on the same days.


The aforementioned plan is designed as a template & not the Gospel; feel free to alter and make it your own. The FG Diet:“ You’ll look so good you’ll have to start charging!”.

Fat Rocka: 3/2010

Fit Rocka 4/2010


Wja3: Put a shirt on.

Tako: Nigga never got a shirt on...at least he kept it 100 tho, and never wore a shirt even when he was fat.

C4: Man-orexic bitch.


-The Bros.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Nappyheadedbros Became a Fan of.....



I know you've all been on America's favorite Social Networking site commonly refered to as FB, and seen many of your friends become "fans" of particular things or groups. I always look at these and chuckle, thinking damn....If I were the nigga creating the slogans or groups that people should "be fans of", there would be more than a slight chuckle. Mutherfuckas would be laughing out loud. Literally. LOL. L.


Why, might you ask?




Because the things mentioned are funny only in their being shamefully true. Add a Nappy headed bro to the equation and you add a dash of "I don't give a fuck what people say or the reprocussions." Now we're ge(tit)ing somewhere.



Let the games begin.


What if FB did let the bros take over? What if upon logging in, you saw some shit like this....LOL....


Showrock Becam a fan of...


"I thought you were fine until I realized you were wearing Pajama pants in public and that you probably wore them to bed and havent washed your coochie since."


"Neither Gucci nor Louis Vuitton Makes a head scarf that looks like that. Who are you fooling?"

"No, it is not OK to have your two year old opening beer bottles and lighting your cigarttes for you"

"It's not that I dissed you because your fat...Its because you're fat and ugly. I can't deal with both."

"Of course I believe you when you say you've never done this before. Sucker."

"No, I don't think its cute that your Ugly baby can sing the whole Wacka Flocka Flame song. Can your child even read?"

"Damn son? You still don't have a job. Do unemployent checks last that long?"


C4 Became a Fan of...



"I'm not a pushover...I just put up with this shit cause I haven't smashed yet."

"Yes wearing silver hoops makes you a certified Chickenhad. Duh!!!"


"If you didnt want guys hollerin at your mom, you shouldn't have brought her out clubbing"

"Why you got your freak em' dress on accepting free drinks if you know you got a man?"

"What the fuck does 'its complicated' mean. Either you got a man or you don't."

"Babysitter? That nigga is five!! He can't watch himself for 20 minutes while I pound you out? "


WJA3 Became a Fan of:

"No a tribe called quest wasn't a group of Indians. Give me that damn gucci mane tape so I can break it."

"You don't swallow? How old are you? Oh, this isnt going to work."

"Why can't you use the N-word? Say it and I'll show you...Nigga. "

"That aint real coach. This chick got an "assistant coach" bag. "



"If her favorite restaurant is Red Lobster, she's probably a bird."

"If her 2nd favorite restaurant is Olive Garden, shes definitely a bird. "

"If you don't have a car, you shouldnt be hollerin at women at the bus stop. She can do bad all by herself."

Taka Flacka Flame Became a Fan of:


" Your baby daddy was locked up how many times? You sure know how to pick em'."

"Why is your fat ass walking on the treadmill. Run. Get your heart rate up, do somthing!!!"


"Yeah I'm with a white girl. Her ass is fatter than yours. You maaaaaaad????"

"Just cause you're a black girl in college don't mean you dont have to perm your hair."

"Even if they renamed newports 'coonports', niggas would still buy them."

"I don't care if she's old...she still got some huge knockers."

"yea, yea..I'll go down on you....just gimmie some dome first."

"Gucci Mane? Is that Nigga named after a woman's bag?"


We know we aint shit. But you love it, and we love you. No homo.

--The Bros.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Night of the Lifting Douche



The time is 11:40pm and I have just been rescued by the 3 Train at Time Square, to whom I can feel but only so grateful since it's running on the local track and had me waiting 15 minutes for it. Yet I still count my blessings because the 1-2-3 Train platform was so ridiculous tonight.

The number one reason for this was the trio of brolic Negros in extra smedium shirts.....correction. Two were in extra smedium shirts, one was shirtless.


Show: No homo!

Indeed. What was the brolic nigga coalition up to at 11:30pm Friday night, you wonder? What train were they waiting for, you ask? They awaited no train at all. These niggas were working out. Yeah. Working out. On the subway platform at Time Fucking Square, 30 minutes to midnight. With resistance bands. Yes. These coons are doing curls, back flys, rows, and of course pull-ups, assisted by their bands and the architecture of the subway.

How corny are these niggas??!!!

WJA3: C4 mad he never got that six-pack.


Show: aaaaahhaaaaa!
C4: Shut up!

Seriously though. Look I ain't hating on the fact that y'all in shape. I'm hating on the shameless, unabashed and downright pathetic act that says, "Look at me guys! Hey look at me! I work out! I'm fucking cool! I'm not empty inside! I'm not shallow, insecure, overcompensating, or attention-starved. My dick is longer than three inches! I have a personality! For realsies though! See? I've got tattoos! They're EDGY! I was never bullied as a kid. No one called me fat or ugly! See? Resistance bands!!!"


Nigga please.

And on top of all that, they got the train platform smelling musky as FUCK! The last thing I want to be exposed to at the end of a long day is the inescapable aroma of man-funk. It's disgusting.

Look man. If you're not trying to attract attention, you don't work out at the busiest location in the USA for everyone to see. You do it at home, or at a gym, in the morning, afternoon or evening, and then you put on nice clothes and you go out on the town at 11:30. This approach is so bassackwards.



Is this how these dudes get bitches? Is this they're strongest attempt? Does it work for them? Is this what makes them feel good and sleep well at night? Is this why they only hang around equally insecure brolic niggas? Does someone need to found the Insecure Brolic Nigga Alliance, or IBNA? Will IBNA sponsor the Hug A Brolic Nigga Walk in honor of brolic niggas who lack affection? Will fat people boycott the event? Will confident fat people laugh at them? All these questions haunt my mind.



Gross.

And of course all this takes place while in the foreground a hippy middle-aged white woman plays "Natural Woman" and "Midnight Train To Georgia." And the cheap douchebag Indian tourists keep requesting Frank Sinatra, take turns taking pictures with her as she plays and tries to make money, but neglect to drop any money in her guitar case. Don't those bastards believe in Karma??? Must be Muslim. And you know how the Muslims roll in NYC.

Ah New York. Well peace out Nappy Friends. I'm approaching my stop to meet my homeboys Smirnoff, Merlot and Heineken.

Ya Dig?!

Show: Nah nigga I don't dig! Speaking of being in shape... Ain't you supposed to have a tat by now?

C4: No, cuz you didn't record those tracks.

Tako: Yall failures.

WJA3: Sounds like a cop-out to me.

Tako: You should finish what you started.

Show: Pusssaaayyyy!!!

C4: Aight I see y'all. Fine. F*&# it. I will.

Show: Sucka.

C4: Nah son. I'll be realistic this time. 90 days from my birthday on Saturday.

WJA3: Shameless plug!

Show: We po'in it up!!! Aight bet. No six pack by July 24th, you getting the logo tatted to your foot.

C4: Wait that's crazy.

Show: You agreed on six weeks last time!!!

C4: Nah nigga my terms. I'm fatter for this bet. 90 to a four-pack for the 5'7" 180lb Bro.

WJA3: I'll take those odds.

Show: Aiiiiiight!

C4: Victory shall be mine...

(the rest snicker)

-Nappyheaded Bros



Tuesday, April 20, 2010

If you don't wanna get blogged, don't act like this (Pt. 1)

Excuse the fact that my iphone cost a gazillion dollars and the camera still sucks.




So in walks a Yale kid in a suit with a giant yellow & red Pokemon Bookbag. After staring intently and conspicuously taking pictures (while people yelled "uh oh, the blog Monster's at it again"), I promptly came to the realization that this apparent oddity was to foreshadow the type of strange events the night would bring.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, It was my last night working as a makeshift bouncer at the bar, and for any outsider looking in, it would appear that all hell broke loose!!! For anyone who has been around for a while, however, it just looked like a regular night at the Amigo theatre, with Buc Dinero standing center stage and starring as the "crazy drunk coon."



Sidebar: Ben Rothesburger, Starting Quarterback for the world Champion Pittsburgh Steelers has just caught his third rape charge in as many years. This sets the stage.


Buc Dinero: Girl, Ben Rothelsburger aint got shit on me!!! I'll ______ you. (insert R word I'd rather not type twice in one post.)


Entire bar looks at Buc as the music stops and jaws drop, no homo.

Buc Dinero: Well, you know....I mean, I'll take advantage of ya!!!


Music resumes. LOL.


Think this is bad? I forgot to mention that this drunken foolery occurred at 9:30 pm. Yes. Niggas were 3:30am wasted at 9:30. It was just that kind of night.


Next thing you know, Buc is in a corner whispering in the ear of a girl who is making the "nigga please face." Luckily for him, the girl knows him, though they are not particularly close. Luckily for me, the owner of the Bar thinks Buc is funny and doesnt expect me to throw him out.


Buc Dinero (While wrapping both arms around the top of said girl's leg): Girl you aint know I'm the best Leg humper on the east coast???


With a crowd of people cheering (aka egging him on), he proceeds to hump the girls leg for about 3 songs...walk to the jukebox, put in money, and go back to leg humping.


C4: Where they do that at!!!!!

Show: But, but,but , but wait it gets worse (Onyx voice!!)


Eventually, Buc got tired of the dark meat (lol) and walked up to our alabaster, Football playing friend with the pokemon bag. He is sitting with an attractively stuck up, basketball playing Amazon chick.


Buc Dinero: Oh yea. She want the meat....

Show: Just Stop!!!! You are being foolish. Leave those people alone. How are you this drunk at 9:30.

Buc Dinero: Cause I took a cab bitch!

Supposedly Badass football playing Pokemon dude: That's my fiancee'.


Buc Dinero: Good thing it's not your wife, or you'd be getting a divorce tonight!!!!


As Buc proceeds to mount the girls chair, lift up his shirt and do some sort of "hump pump dance" I was able to snap a picture...

Supposedly Badass football playing Pokemon Dude: Nah dude, shes not really my fiancee. Its cool bro.


C4: Punk ass, bitch ass, sucker ass, punk ass beyyyyath ass nicccccccaaa!!! (Stinkmeaner voice).



Show: Word.



Tako: And then what?? (Jeezy Voice)


This exchange goes on for a while until Buc either got hot, or found the need to channel his inner african monkey spirit and go shirtless at the bar. No he didn't do it to show off a plethora of six pack abs or chiseled physique (no homo)...just the body of a 30 something year old drunken fool. No offense.




Acceptable behavior at a bar? Hell no. Good shit to blog about? yeah, I guess. LOL.



This, however, was still more acceptable than him finding the remote to the jukebox, turning down the music and saying this:

"everybody, shhhhh...I need your attention please. I would like everyone in the bar to look at this lady right here (pointing at 40 year old white woman with co-worker and co-worker's husband), and applaud her for having some nice titties. Let's clap for the titties."


Funniest part about all this is that about 20 minutes later....after Buc did his best impression of a Q-Dawg (omega Psi Phi Fraternity for you white people out there), which was dead on point and included some very good stepping...excuse me, "hoppin", Buc was asleep standing up at the bar.


After pushing him, flicking him (pause) and eventually putting a nasty bar rag on his head, he still didnt wake up. What did we do next? Pour water on his head and take pictures.





Moral of the story? If you don't wanna get blogged, don't act like this. LOL. It's all love (no homo) Buc Dinero.
-Black Kevin Costner

Monday, April 19, 2010

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook....

Last week I posted something basically saying, "Dear Facebook, thank you for letting me know that half the girls I think are sexy cannot spell." LMAO.

Sure I got a lot of heat for posting such a brash, brazen and bold statement, but in the end...bitches couldn't really hate, because it was true. Now don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people spell things wrong for convenience (for example: B4 is easier to type than before. Less letters...it makes sense.)

Other things, however, end up getting typed wrong simply because of stupid glitches like the iphone's auto correct, which for some reason thinks that the word "every" when spelled wrong, should be "euthanasia." Really? Who the fuck is talking about euthanasia in a text. Like your gonna send some shit like that in a casual message..."Brb, gotta handle this euthanasia for Grandma. No, really LOL. "

Either way, both these instances represent cases in which improper spelling and grammar are OK. The following cases, are instances where the guilty facebooker should be beaten in the head with a sticky, semen soaked keyboard and forced to go back and get their GED.

Case Study # 1:

"I wonder if he noes i care?.. if he noes dat every move he makes affects me.

C4: No, No, No!!!!!

Show: No homo. Cause that was the name of a Destiny's child Song.

Wja3: Shut up with this no homo business. This is baaaaaaad though.

C4: Knos would have even been acceptable. This makes it sounds like the nigga's gonna smell you...on some olfactory shit. Knows is only 5 letters. If you're gonna type 4 to create such an atrocity why not add the 5th and make it right?

Tako: If they knew better they'd do better.


Case Study # 2:

I said what I had to say and that's that. If you have any comments come front me... don't need to ask others.......

Show: Shouldn't it be "no need to ask others?"

C4: That's really what you're gonna identify as wrong? "Come front me? " Really?

Show: Sounds like your about to drop her off a package of work....Front her a few kilos son. LOL.

WJA3: I am literally shaking my head. Lets boycott 106 and park until people can read and write correctly.


Show: All these status updates were from just one day....and all involved people over 18. LOL.

Case Study # 3:

I knew I shouldn't have had that milkshake. I'm Lactoste and Tolerant.


Show: LOL.


C4: Oh man. This is classic. Like when shawty ordered the "Jah-lop-a-know"(jalapeno) poppers at Fridays.

Show: Or when the girl with Lefleur tried to order Molson XXX malt liquor at a restaurant, then told him him to park around the block from her house cause her crazy ex-bf still had a key. LOL.

Wja3: Yall are crazy.


Hope you all had fun at other peoples expense. I've got some Tomfoolery for ya tomorrow based on my last day bouncing at the bar and a weekend returning to my Frat house in Philly.


Oh yea, the moral of the post....


Dear facebook...

I know its been a rocky relationship and you've led others to believe I am a man-whore based on the amount of women commenting on my page, but in the end, I think you've done more good than harm. You've kept me connected to old friends and girls who used to be ugly but are now fine as contract print, while also letting me know (via the photos section) that many of the girls I had dreams of settling down with are just Miami and Myrtle Beach bound, club hopping chickenheads.

You've taught me that bad bitches can't spell....


You've taught me that hood chicks like to take pictures of themselves in front of the mirror holding the cellphone camera above their head.....poking their butt out, of course.


You've taught me that "it's complicated" means "I have a baby's daddy, boyfriend in jail or live with a nigga..."


You've showed me that I no longer need to remember birthdays or even call people....a simple wall post will suffice....


You've helped me separate the hood girls from the ghetto ones...(i.e. all your baby pics being taken on a cellphone = hood, uploading pics of your sonogram, or pregnant ass at the Vandome in a midriff belly shirt = ghetto.)


Most importantly, however, you've taught me one thing...


You''ve taught me that as long as you keep the people laughing, they'll keep reading...and unlike TV, noone will ever claim that a book will rot your brain. Just dont read the Turner Diaries.



--Show

Friday, April 16, 2010

Show and The Nightclub Tranny.

WJA3: It started for me when I saw him in the Pink Leather....I mean, I didn't think he was....you know....but something was a little off. Like if you told me he smashed a tranny, I wouldn't be all that surprised.




C4: This Pic never gets old.



Tako: See I always knew Show through the studio. He was never one to be around mad chicks, but I assumed it was cause he was focused on making good music ...and getting drunk. He was always talking about his Porn/Rap side project "Smutrocka." But trannies? Even this was a surprise to me.





Enter the faint aroma of Jean Paul Gautier Le' Male mixed with cream scented Black and Mild as Show enters the room, dreads hanging like they almost did to the Jenna 6.


Show: All yall niggas in one room? Must be a Showrocka hate fest. What'd I miss?

Tako: Nothin yet "Tranny Bonaducci".


Lefleur (From the other room): Surprise !! They wanted the tranny story from someone who was there. Nigga you're hit!!!!!!


Taka Flocka Flame Presents Show's Tranny Activity



While not a regular Blogger, Lefleur is a childhood friend of Shows and official Nappyheaded associate and corespondent.


Tako: So what happened.



Lefleur: So it was New Years eve, maybe 5 years ago, and this was back before we decided that drunk driving was actually a deplorable crime.


Show: Being responsible and shit....so far this is accurate.


Lefleur: Shut up. So we had this tradition...We'd have to kill a bottle of Bacardi (Or Goose) between the house and the club (not drunk driving because you're drinking quick and wouldn't be drunk till you got there). To ensure this, we would throw the cap out the window once the bottle was opened. needless to say, we arrived feelin niceeeeeee (Loso voice.)



Tako: Is this when he started strokin Tranny meat? Giving a shemale a handjob through her applebottoms?


Lefleur: Nah. We waited in line as our boy Justin-credible somehow managed to walk right past the bouncers with a bottle of moet in his back pocket. LOL. The lines were long and crowded, yet when we tried that shit, we were promptly carded, frisked and eventually let in.


Tako: An then he sucked some titties while fondling cock?


Show: Tako, You are gay....and have Scabies...or AIDS.


Lefleur: After many a Hennessey on the rocks, (Show's old drink and ironically the only one not served in a plastic cup, thereby making him look important,) Show's non-dancin ass starts doing year old dances on the dancefloor.

C4: I'm convinced he's always a year behind because he learns and practices them on youtube.


Peezy (Via Cell phone) : The chicken dance!!!!!! LMAO


Lefleur: Enter a tall, curvaceous "woman" about 6 feet in heels in a tight fitting, white Kim Kardasian dress. Tall, not black but Puertorican, and scantily clad. Right up Show's Alley.


Tako: go on.....


Lefleur: Her drunk ass begins dancing on top of a chair in heels in a crowded club. Next thing you know, some nigga spending his rent money on coronas with lime bumps the chair and Smash!!!!!! 6 feet of titties, cherokee hair and nutsack all on the floor!!! Show goes to help "him" up before "he" gets trampled , and the "he-she" affectionately referred to as the Niggabitch proceeds to back that ass up on Show like he's part Juvenile. Ha.


Next thing you know, Show's got one of the he-she's legs in the air , freakin it!!! I'm talking sweat drippin, Show biting his lip, grinding his hips, all the while not realizing that while lifting "her" leg up, he basically put her nutsack on his forearm.


Show: See now you're just lying. It was like 10 seconds and a girl whispered in my ear "she's a man", and I bounced.


Lefleur: Anyways....sweat drippin, he reaches under the Kardasian dress as she's undoing his Guess belt he stole from C4, who stole it from Rolando. Then, while stroking her penis which he thinks is an oversized clit and biting on her neck like he was auditioning for Twilight New Moon, he realizes he's just given his first hand job and freaks out.....


We are all cracking up laughing by this point and had watched it all play out so he couldn't even deny it!!!!!


Show: It was 10 seconds of me helping her up, there was maybe about a half of song dance...that's it!! No handjobs, no ball sweat or lip biting, no kissing, no number exchanging. This is like a bad game of telephone. You guys want the real story????


Tako: I like this one.

C4: Nope.

Wja3: We just got it.



Leflur: Shoulda never told everybody the Henny Black and Asscrack Story.


Tako: And stay out my phone bitch!!


Wja3: You know she could've been lying about that psoriasis....did you get chcked out Tak?


Tako: FUCK!!!!


--The Bros