Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Show's B-day Pt. 2 (Somebody goes to jail)

Show-sho's Surprise B-day Part 2. The good shit.

Shaun: Them Prada's are fake.

Show: Hater.


"We don't BUY no drinks at the bar, because WE PREGAME at home! Tell dat bitch naaaaaaaah!"

So then the party moved from Mama Rocka's to Show's crib, cuz Shaun D was there and quite frankly, we had more liquor than anybody needed to be good for the whole night without buying a drink at the club. And of course Tako Tsou and B-Ruby had little veggie snack packs, so to speak, as well as their accompanying blunt wraps (you knew what I was talking about anyway).



Only problem was, the wrap wouldn't roll, so Caveman comes through livin up to his name and reinvents the wheel with a an orange, a corkscrew and a straw. Game on!


Show: Who'd have thought you could fit so much tobacco in an orange. Looks like he's smokin crack tho. LMAO.

Next it was off to a secretly scheduled first stop for us. We had no idea where we were going, but Mama Rocka's scheduled first stop for us was... the titty bar. Yay!

Skeerrrrrrrt!!!!

Nay.

This was one of the worst strip clubs any of us had ever been to. Let me count the ways:

1. Bar didn't serve alcohol but there was a two-drink minimum, so you had to buy over-priced coffee or soda.

2. There was a bar next door if you wanted to drink, basically same establishment but the drinks didn't count towards your minimum.

3. Worst. Strippers. Ever. No flair, no pinache, no fake wanting to be there, maybe an eating disorder or two, and one of the chicks didn't even remove her top all the way...then demanded a tip. Niggas was like "for what?!"

Not to mention that in the kinda bar next door they were having a stripper going away party.

Tako: The Stripper food was good though.

Show: I'ma chime in, because I remember this part of the night...Cute brown skinned British stripper sitting on my lap with accent heavy. "I'm like....ummmm....I dont even like black girls (except khaki). LMAO. Are their any ricans here...somwhere?" This is where the night gets uglier than a Jordan Air Force one Hybrid.



So this place is wack...on to the next, on-on to the next one, FREEZE! Somebody stop at Van Dome please.

Motherfucking Van Dome. What can I say? Well, remember that nug of wacky tabacky B-Ruby and Tako had? Well Tako dropped his off in the limo before we hit the next club, but when B-Ruby got searched the bouncer found his on him.

Bouncer: what's this? Really my dude?

Ruby: uh, that's for you. Yeah. You keep that.

Bouncer: aight come on in.

Damn it must feel good to be Caucasian!

So Tak-Boogie sans nug goes outside by himself to get some air, cuz like everyone on the inside he's feeling the effects of the extensive pregame and re-game in the limo. But when he returns, hand already stamped, the cop working the door was like "no you're too drunk."



Show: Cop was out there, sleeve rolled up showin his tats and tryin to bag hoes. SMH.

Tako: but officer, my 10 friends are inside waiting for me. I'm fro out of town.

Cop: nope.


Tako: it's a big celebration, we brought the limo.

Cop: just wait a minute.

Five minutes later he returns and asks again in his politest Blackaneese/ Asian voice while approaching the door, " can I just go back ins..."

Before the sentence is over he's in cuffs, and soon after he's hauled off to New Haven jail for the night, unbeknownst to ANYONE. Charge? First degree criminal trespassing....of a place he was already admitted to and had a stamp to return.

Lefleur: Funny thing is, Show was outside AND got back in...after cursing out the club's owner and calling him a racist pig. Why might you ask? He had a white friend with him.

C4: Everybody knows to have a white friend with you at all times.


Lefleur: Yeah...and this was after I found Show's drunk ass talking about getting air, walking on the highway on-ramp.

Caveman: Then when the bouncer said "you cant come back in, you're drunk" to show, I showed up. He then goes, "Oh, h's with you...go ahead in." Little did he know Showrocka the black Kevin Costner was gonna go all black power millitant on his ass.


Caveman (in Showrocka voice): Oh, you wanna let me in cause I'm with a WHITE MAN. 400 years of opression and you racist pigs wanna pull this shit? Not to mention the majority of your customer base is African American and hispanic. Should I put in blue contacts, not use a wash cloth and order a glass of Pinot....Massa.


Show: I still got in....no harm no foul.



Two hours later the club closes and everyone is outside in front of the limo. Oh shit, wait a minute...everyon is not in front of the limo....somone's missing. Shit. Tako.

C4: Mr. big bouncer nigga, we cannot find our out of town Blackaneese friend. He had on a Peacoat.

Cop: Oh, yall talkin bout Tako? We locked hiss ass up about 2 hours ago.


(No embellishment or exaggeration...the cp said that like he knew Tako for years.)

Next we take the Limo to jail with show and caveman blacked out in the back. Upon arriving, Show thinks he's home and thinks his keys will open the New Haven Police station. SMH. We put his drunk ass back in the limo where he proceeded to keep drankin.



The police, meanwhile, refused to Give Shaun D and Marlon Bin Laden any info regarding Tako. SO, us being smart, we send in Caveman and B-ruby (the caucasians) who promptly get info and tell us we cant get him until the morning.


Stay tuned tomorrow for the culmination...Tako's Story.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Show's Surprise Bday Party Pt. 1 (Pre-Jail)


C4: Oh, I've got this one.

When the BlogKillah's phone gets a voicemail from a CT number it can be from one of two parties: Dre Smoov or Show Rocka. Pleasantly I find it's Mama Rocka, telling me about the suprise birthday party she's throwing for her son that night, and that all the closest NappyHeaded friends will be there.

Oh joy! Coonery! Tomfoolery! Debauchery! MORE coonery! Coontasticity!!!

Mama Rocka single-handedly orchestrated an unprecedented NappyHeaded Night On The Town in honor of you favorite blogger on this site (at least accordin to the 13 voters. fuckers).

LaFleur was in the house, I said Buck Dinero in the house! Shanga was in the house i said the dude B-Ru was in the house! Hollywood aka the retarded Biggie sound-alike who looks like Memphis Bleek was in the house (JK, I love u no homo) and (insert the rest of the codenames), and Tako Tsou was in the house unbeknownst to have of the people even there!!!! Big-ups to all the New Haven NappyHeaded Fam it was cool to finally meet some of y'all for the first time.



So Mama Rocka had picked me up from the train station and I arrived shortly after the surprise was revealed. I was greeted with a resounding "Oh shit!" from the BlogMonsta and then proceeded to partake from the proverbially perfect NappyHeaded Party Spread. Chicken wings, Sushi for Bougie ass "I dont eat Trans-fat" Show, pizza, all types of drank! Mmm, mmmmmm biiiiitch!

Shanga: yo let me get a sandwich
Buck Dinero: take two fat bitches an make a sandwich!


The real tomfoolery began as we hit the limo, which Show was also unaware would be happening. First off, I've never been around a group of close friends who just go at each others' neck so ruthlessly. Niggas just slanging verbal daggers and hilarious poison-tipped darts with no regard for human life. I felt right at home.

As Show speculated on who the person would be waiting at his house, we toted with the idea that it might be a midget stripper aka the Holy Grail.

Pook: why we talking about midgets anyway?
LaFleur: cuz they sexy!!!
Pook: better not be no stripper I'm married son.
Show: nobody told yo ass to get married, ya Tyler Perry ass nigga!


Skerrrrrrrrrrtt. Lemme get the keyboard C4.

Now I don't know how in the fuck my savvy ass was actually okie doked and tricked into a surprise, by a woman nonetheless!!! I pride myself on being omnipotent and shit. That means I know errrrrrything.

I'm thinkin me and Lefleur are celebrating his B-day a week late because I was in philly on his actual Birthday drinking and drugging. LOL. After bullshitting around and hitting various bars we end up at my moms crib which is not unusual. What is unusual is that we walk in, I am oblivious to the balloons and banner that says surprise, but see my cousin Trip Dip walking with a slice of Peperoni Pizza. Fat nigga.

I'm like "What the fuck you doin in my moms crib?" thinkin he and his wife stopped by without telling me...which woulda been rude. LOL. Almost as rude as me cussin him out in front of Grandmama Rocka's old ass. LOL. The surprise still didnt hit me until I see my white friends Caveman and B-Ruby walk out the back room and I realized I had been Straight up Ashton Kutchnered. Punked like weezy in jail. Then they bring out the Coon cake...and I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




The King of Black Label was prsented with a Johhny Walker Black Label and Hennessey Cake. Don't Judge me. LOL.

Next my step pop says, "yo rock, you got a flat tire."

Show: Aint that a Fat white bitch!!!!

Show: My tire pressure light's been on all day.

I walk outside and see no flat, but a Limo...with a diver we know. PUNKED AGAIN!!! A family member hands the driver and some of us an unidentified smokable substance and we're off....


Next stop smoking out of an orange, Strip Clubs, Regular clubs, Show walking on the highway and a Limo pulling up to jail to post bail. Guess you better tune in for part two. LOL.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Chickenhead Killer Pt. 1

With all the shit that went down this weekend, i.e. my Surprise party a week before my birthday AND someone who shall not be named having to be bailed outa jail, you'd think we'd have an awesome blog lined up for you today. Unfortunately, so much happened that we haven't even finished chronicling it, so yall will get it later on in the week.

Chickenheads, you aren't in the clear.

Show-Sho No H. Presents...Chickenhead killer Pt. 1

Show: What's you're natural haircolor? I always remember it being blonde.

Girl: We went to elementary school together. You think I was dying my hair in first grade?


LOL.

Next shorty proceeds to tell me that some little girl in her daughter's first grade class is rockin the two toned, black on blonde dye job. Really? First grade chickenheading? Ladies, STOP THE CHICKENHEAD SHIT!!! I've only got one word for that .

Dead.




I never forget the first time I heard the word chickenhead. My boy Omizz, who was a little badass and was essentially the one person who taught me all the bad shit I knew (before I met Jabari) was actually using it in our 3rd grade class when the teacher confronted him.

Teacher: How dare you say that. Do you even know what that means.

Show: No. (What? Was I supposed to tell the truth and say 'yes, it means this 9 year old girls is going to grow up and slob knobs?)

O-Mizz: Yea, I know what it means. She a Chickenhead.

Teacher: Would you feel comfortable saying that in front of her dad??

Now had I been the person I am now, transported back in time, I would've responded with "Dad? Like she even knows that nigga's name. LOL, " That didn't happen, however, and o-Mizzy just responded with an emphatic. "Yea, and I'll tell her mom too. She's a hoe. "

WOWZERS. Funny shit though.



Little bad Ass Riley from the boondocks ass nigga. LOL.


I know this didn't really have anything to do with anything, but whatever. It made me laugh. Funny thing is, the reason I even started talking about chickenheads was because today its raining and all the bootlegged Louis vuitton, Coach and Gucci Headscarves are out . Ladies, take heed.

Don't buy a hat with a matching bag.

Girls in headscarves in public are the equivalent of dudes trying to wear do-rags with suits, or in a nice restaurant. With the flap out!!! Looks dumb. Dead it.

Oh yeah....one last thing for the dudes dating these chickenheads. While extremely good chickenhead bait, (trust me, I used to have one with gucci seats,) 1990's 3 Series BMW's are NOT MERCEDES MAYBACH'S!!! They ARE NOT BENTLEY'S!!! They are not even NEW BMW 3 SERIES!!! Cut it out.



Saw this on the way to work. Disgusting. Male Chickenheads.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Jay-Z Work out.

Hov used to be a skinny mutha sucka. Maybe this recent invasion of the flabtastic midsection is Black God's way of saying "you wanna try and be B.I.G? I'ma make you look like his ass." If he suddenly develops a cock eye (pause) we know this was the case.



Sheiiiiit, maybe its even White God's way of saying "well, well Mr. Carter. You think it is OK to go ahead and knock up one of the few colored females that all races of men can find attractive? Fine. So it shall be. You, my friend, shall also look pregnant with her thereby denying you access to any other poontang. "



Whatever the case, this nigga's fat, and has about as much business giving exercise advice as Pimp C, DJ AM, Weezy and DMX have teaching a D.A.R.E Class. Dead.




The Jay-Z Power-Move Workout:

How hip-hop's most successful entrepreneur stays fit despite having the busiest schedule of all
From the Fitness Editor's of Men's Health

Squat Press
Quads, shoulders, hamstrings, glutes, core


Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart. Your arms should be bent so that your fists are at shoulder height, palms forward. Squat with your hips pushed back—as if you were going to sit in a chair—until your thighs are parallel to the floor. At the same time, press your arms skyward. Slowly come back to the starting position. Repeat five times, building up to 15 reps.

Pull-up Blast
Back, core, biceps, hip flexors


Begin in a classic pull-up position, hands slightly wider than shoulder-width apart. In one explosive movement, pull yourself up and tuck your knees into your chest. Return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, building up to 20 reps.

Stability-Ball Single-Arm Press
Chest, core, shoulders, triceps


Begin with your upper back on a stability ball. Bend your elbows and hold a dumbbell in one hand (rest the other hand, fist clenched, on your stomach). Contract your abs to stabilize your body, and then extend the dumbbell straight up until your arm reaches a locked position. At the same time, shift your body weight onto the opposite elbow and push the dumbbell higher into the air. Return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, then switch sides and repeat.

Dead-Lift High Pull
Nearly every muscle from head to toe

Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and grasp a barbell with a slightly wider grip, palms facing you. The movement begins with the barbell on the ground and your body in a low squat. Drive your hips and the bar up at the same time. As you lift the bar, keep your elbows higher than your hands and finish the motion at the top of your chest. Return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, building up to 15 reps.



Ummmm. Did I miss something here? Now I know people love Hov and all, but ummmmmm...really? Has the tendency to d*ck ride celebrities really gotten to the point where they are trying to pass this off as fit?


Good workout, but come on son!!!!



C4: We don't believe you, you need more people!!! (hov voice)



Tako: Or more abs. No homo.


Now don't get me wrong....I dont have a "situation" going on anymore, as I've gotten older and become a connsieur of fine spirits, but sheiiiiiit. I look better than this while beating off and eating Chinese chickenwings on the toilet. No homo. I'm just saying.




Men's Health, the magazine from which this stems, you should be ashamed of yourselves!!! And so should you beyonce.



Tako: Let the Hating Commence



Wja3: (Ignoring Showrock, listening to Tribe called quest in Ipod)



You fat, joe camel looking son of a bitch. How dare you try and tell me how to work out. Word to Malcom X son...We will not be hoodwinked, bamboozled or led astray.....We will not fall for the Okie Doke...You are not gonna convince us that you work out, just like you never convinced us you don't write down rhymes...you just said it because B.I.G. did, you posthumous swagger Jacking nut rider.



C4: Like I told u rock flab..nah, Hov did that, so hopefully you don't have to go through that.



Wja3: Top 5 out of shape people who's exercise advice I'd rather follow...



5. T.I.



At least skinny niggas can put on weight. Sure there's no definition (pause), but at least he looks like he skips both exercise and meals.


4. Tiger...not to be confused with Tyga


Out of shape but still has more white chicks between his sheets than Maxim.



Show: I'd take all Tiger's hoes as a collective over 1 Beyonce. Thats my story I'm stickin to it.


3. Russell Simmons



What? I see an Ab. Whatever...at least he's actually OLD!!!


2. Ricky Ross the Bawse!!!!




At least he's got tattoos and know's hes fat...



Tako: Lines like "Squeezin in my Lamborghini lookin like professor Klump" make him one of my favorite rappers.


Show: Word.


1. Kanye to the....

Yep. We put this queen on the list for one reason an one reason only...



Kanye's workout plan. It was a great song. Who cares if he's fat. Maybe we'll listen to Jay'z plan if he records it to a beat...or just lets us all take turns skeeting in beyonce.



Tako: Awwwww Skeet, skeet!!!



Show: Tharrrr she Blowwwwwwsssssssss.



Wja3: You guys are foolish.



C4: Bang Bang Skeetttttttttttttttttttttttttt. What up Naledge?? Pause.





--The Bros



Thursday, March 25, 2010

Culture-Jacking: The Nubians Strike Back!


You might remember from last week, my Nappy Friends, that a sorority chapter of white girls from Arkansas won a national step competition recently, causing black people to lose their f***ing mind. You might also remember that we at NappyHeadedBros also noted some other fields of human endeavor that seem to be slipping away from black people. Today though, let's explore the places where we might be able to capture some valuable chess pieces from the boards of other ethnic groups.

Tako: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, C4?

Show: Talkin' 'bout gettin up in that Asian aaaaaasssss! No Mr. Sulu.

WJA3: I think he wants us to jack everybody's culture the way everybody has jacked ours. You're not that special, Tako.

Tako: And neither is your mother!

WJA3: I will end you.

C4: As I was saying...The following endeavors need to be infiltrated, if not dominated, by the African Diaspora (Zuberi!) in lieu of all the ground we've been losing lately on our home turf.


Commodity: The (hood) Chinese Restaurant
Culture Jacked: Chinese "Americans"


Listen. We all love and enjoy Chinese-style fried chicken wings, pork-fried rice and an egg roll. We know that all we need to be a successful and profitable business are a handful of undocumented Mexicans working the kitchen, a steady supply of stray cats for our meats that don't look like what we say they are, and a lot of MSG to make it all taste better, and voila! Bo Sing! New Number One!

Show: Preach!!!

Tako: Fuck you guys.

Basically, affordable Chinese restaurants are gonna be in the hood regardless, we might as well be the ones to profit from them since we represent 92.8% of the customer base anyway. Put some money back in the community, dammit.


Commodity: Financial Responsibility
Culture Jacked: White America! (Eminem Voice)
Every Sunday I watch football during football season, there is a limited type of commercial being marketed, to specific demographics. Funny beer commercials to young white men, and financial investment commercials for their fathers....who they know and who acknowledge them.

Why not us? Why isn't it cool for us to have savings accounts, stock portfolios, mutual funds, 401(k)'s and the like? Because rappers don't tell us it's cool. Think about it. Almost everything Jay-Z or Lil Wayne or whoever the hot rapper of the time is says is cool, becomes cool. Hence, broke niggas with no business knowing anything about Audermars, Ace of Spades, Ferragamo, Louis Vuitton, etc., adore these name brands and aspire to them how? By making enough money to afford them? No. By wasting their rent money on short-term stunting.

So let's have these rappers pump T. Rowe Rice in our face. Let Gucci Mane tell us about TD Ameritrade or Prudential, or whoever. These niggas are supposed to be rich, right? ACT LIKE IT.

I say the responsibility falls on Drake's beige mulatto shoulders to lead the way. His Jewish ass has already broken all the rules of who can be cool in hip-hop. Let him break this one.

Commodity: Good At Math
Culture Jacked: Asians

Basically we're gonna need to get this in order so that the previous one can truly come to fruition. Of course, this is not "cool" so we need to market this with a combination of rappers and flashy ass accountants, maybe some Wall Street cats can get involved too. Finally Obi Slopes can use his coontastic ways for the good. It'll look kind of like this:

We can justify the mouth jewelry by emphasizing that it's insured. Baby steps.


Commodity: Bollywood
Culture Jacked: Indians (the real ones)
This one is fairly simple. We already like making expensive ass music videos with lots of choreography, and as you can see from the above poster they don't mind marketing their films blaxploitation-style, so the transition would be fairly easy.

And this coup de swag also solves a problem that has been plaguing the black man for decades: how to break into the Indian pussy game.These bitches are exclusive! So we break the mold in the classic groupie method by creating one great African-American Bollywood star, and break out the Nan to soak up the residue from the curry flood gates. YA DIG?!

Don't think it's possible. Already happened in Japan. Big-Ups to Kerry from Mud/Bone aka the illest theatre collective to originate in the South Bronx, for hitting me up on facebook and alerting me to this occurrence. The man you are about to see is Jero, a Japanese enka singer who is American-born of African-American and Japanese descent. His maternal grandmother was Japanese. He is the first black enka singer in Japanese music history. Enka is "a Japanese popular music genre. Although considered to resemble traditional music stylistically, modern enka is a relatively recent musical form which arose in the context of such postwar expressions of modern Japanese nonmaterial nationalism as nihonjinron, while adopting a more traditional musical style than Japanese prewar popular ryūkōka music." At least that's what Wikipedia says. Anyway, check it out.


Tako: Why was the majority of this jacked from us Asians?

WJA3: Because y'all make up the world's majority, and you're the ones jacking our shit the hardest.

Show & C4: THANK YOU!

Love, Peace, and Nappyness,

-The Bros.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Smart Wars Episode II: Attack of the Phones


Email, talk, text, AIM and Gchat. Smart phone! Smart phone! I know you feeling that. But which type of smart phone you're into might say a little bit about your personality. As we enter the second decade of the new millenium, large camps are replacing the smaller cliques of years past, as the "hot shit" phones become more and more accessible to the Average Bro. Your friendly neighborhood Blog Killah will give a brief semi-accurate history of the little hand-held device you might be using to read this blog, and then we'll break it down and decide who rules supreme.

In 2002 there was a majority of cell users with basic flip phones, overly-ambitious dudes with PDAs bragging about their Palm Pilots, hood niggas with two-way pagers, a handful of "you ain't up on this" guys with a big ugly Treo, and the super-cool kids who had Sidekicks.

The Sidekick was the shit for the time, making bitches hop on your nuts as soon as they saw how your screen flipped upside down and suddenly you were typing their digits into it. a cool innovation that no one over 25 would be caught dead with considering how big and bawdy it was. Just big enough to not look professional, or fit in anyone's dress pants. As a result it never quite took over the world since everybody could chat on their laptops and by 2003 we were starting to send text messages en masse.

Fast forward to 2010 and two conglomerates rule supreme. Blackberry and iPhone. The owners of these respective giants pledge heavy allegiance, and look down on their counterparts with mild distaste.

But why? Who are these iPhone people? These blackberry people? Let's take a look...


Blackberry:
You peep how my emails are popping up right on my screen! Search the web from anywhere, quickly! Eat a dick you ghetto Sidekick trash! Professionals stand up! We run this bitch! Look at me styling on hood niggas, taking their bitches as soon as I whip out my Blackberry. Accompanying my button-up and slacks like cuff links, it shows them I hve a good job, and I'm important enough that they need me all the time. AND my job is providing me with it so it's free! Yay!!!

iPhone: SKERRRRT!

Slow down son ya killin em. That little addictive device means 24-hour access mr. lawyer guy. The nicknamed "Crackberry" has you by the balls like Pookie in New Jack. Yeah sure my emails don't show up right away. I'm cooler than you, Urkel. I'm not by definition somebody's bitch!

Blackberry: whatever jerk. I've got BBM! We Curves, Bolds and Black Jacks can kick it country club style and you app-whores aren't invited!

IPhone: sorry I wasn't listening, I was using my app that syncs all my chat functions so that I can holler at everybody I know when I feel like it. Ooh, Tap-Tap Revenge!

And that is my biased opinion. iPhone peeps are just cooler. They have a more chill attitude, probably because their device is mean for play and the other is meant for work, making their users stressed.

Why the bias? This blog was written on an iPhone.

Ya dig?!

C4 2 Ya Door

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I'm glad Serena has a weave


Tako: Show's ranting again.

You know what? I'm glad Serena has a weave... I feel it's one of the most significant accomplishments for black women in the 21st century and new millenium. I don't give a shit about tennis, however, this becomes relevant as I do care about gender inequality and the glass ceilings faced by many intellectual women with perms and weaves.




C4: White people, please stop praising nappyheaded hoes for their "all natural" and "authentic" hairstyles. You're really just encouraging laziness.

Going to school with a plethora of ivy league morenas I was forced to accept women the fact that educated black girls were afraid of perms and weaves. Could it be their desire to distinguish themselves from chickenheads? Maybe their stand against constantly having to "explain the concept of weave" to Caucasians ? Whatever the cause, girls who tried to avoid the pitfalls of being pigeon holed as ghetto, ended up looking like hot ghetto messes!!!

Wja3: to each her own...but use a comb.

This being said... Ladies!! You can be succesfull without having nigga naps, or hair so short you can curl it with rice. Short haired girls, You are not eve, Rihana or zane... You aren't bohemian... And I don't care if your an African transplant, there's no need to have left your comb and Dark and Lovely in the motherland. Sheiiiiit. Imus was right.

Thanks Serena.

Tako: Ass!

C4: ehhhhhhh. I've heard worse

Wja3: dick. Pause.


--Bros

Monday, March 22, 2010

Stop Changing your phone number Damnit!!!

Everybody's got a friend that is still using a pre-paid phone in 2010 and never has any minutes. Matter of fact, some people even have this friend AND the other type of friend (or ahem...sister...cough, cough) that constantly changes their phone number due to crazy niggas calling, chickenheads beefing with them, or other run of the mill reasons like trying to avoid child support.

This being said, the decision to not store these numbers in ones phone is a perfectly logical one. You will eventually forget which number is correct and after dialing "Mike", "Mike Cell", "M-Boogie," "Mike New", "Mike Current", etc. you are liable to say f**k this dude. LOL. No homo.

This, however, is why you HAVE TO SAVE THE NUMBERS. See the following text convo between me and my boy, who I thought was one of my homegirls. Now mind you, this dude is recently out of jail and I definitely aint trying to send the wrong signals. Shit is funny tho.


This was an actual "LOL" moment. I laughed out loud.



Tako: Gimie a G...yea, you got your G, you got you're G!!!!

C4: The "G" Isn't for Gangsta.

Wja3: You know how I know you're gay...? (Knocked up Voice) LOL.

DEZO: This isn't as Gay as when he was singin that Nicky Minaj song yesterday and putting his name in it. Rocka Minaja I believe he said.

Show: F**k you all, and DEZO, how'd you get in here?

C4: Rocka Minaja? Really. That's worse than when you re-named Dear Mama as "Dear Rocka." You are vain and the bastardization of hip hops songs is unnecessary when the artists are already doing it themselves.


The actions and statements presented by Show do not reflect the mindsets, creed or ethos of the staff at Nappyheadedbros.com.

Tako: Go back to the drawing board and finish those "Pin #'s" and "Masturbation" posts. No homo.

Dead.


--The Bros

Friday, March 19, 2010

Battle of the Sexes (A Female Blog) Pt. 2/2

Tako: Yerrrrrrp. It's ya boy Taka Flacka Flame up in this bitch!! Whoops, I probably shouldn't have said the B-word given this is another female oriented blog.

Show: Eh, you'll be aiiight.

C4: You don't get no pu**y anyway.

Wja3: No comment.

Mi Amor: Ahem...Fellas, can I proceed (Lil Kim Voice)?




The Bros: Yes indeed....



Mi Amor Presents Battle of the Sexes Pt. 2. (No Luda)

Yes dudes, you know you have a friend or maybe it’s even you that gets upset when a female doesn’t give you the time of the day when you know you been lifting bon bon’s since 97! Oh... and my all time favorite are the dudes who have been in long term relationships and have a child with a woman. The first thing you want her to do after she pops out the rugrat is hit the gym. You want her on that crunch machine banging out 150 crunches per min so she can get rid of the baby FAT.



Show: Yeah, those demands are unfair when you knew the bitch was fat before she got preggers (white word of the day.)

Mi Amor: Play nice.


Back to what I was saying. Its funny how dudes will chastise their baby's mother when they have gained 80 pounds since the start of their relationship. Sheeeeeit, during her pregnancy his fat ass should've scheduled matching ultra sound appointments instead of complaining and drinkin 40's.

PAUSE, rewind, regroup, (excuse me while I take ten deep breaths). Dudes you do not have the right to demand dimes when you know like I know you haven’t been dime worthy since you grew out of children’s place clothes! I would now like to take the time to spread some knowledge for you outta shape guys who get mad when females turn you down.


Tako: Tell em why you mad son!!!

C4: We need Khaki goin in on this blog too!!!

Wja3: Yea, she's kinda tight too.

Show: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yall all see me standin here right? Cut that shit out. Did everyone not notice that I came to work today with a box of buttery Popeye's Biscuits despite the fact that I don't eat that trans fat shit? That's right, I'm givin out two pieces. Who want one? Tako Excluded. I aint fightin no Asian. Nigga probably know karate. LOL.





Mi Amor:
AHEM.....

The Bros: Go on....


Mi Amor's List of things Fat dudes should know...Because Akira likes Lists

1.If there is a choice between Mr. Tall Glass of Water (see yestrday's blog for description) and you Mr. Outtashape no matter what you do for a living you will LOOSE!

I have seen, heard, and even experienced Mr. Outtashape use his money as an icebreaker to talk to Ms. Curvy. That’s perfect if you want a gold digger, but for the majority of the worlds Honest Females she’s not interested even if there’s a Beemer, Benz or Bentley outside...




If Mr. Tall Glass of Water has a Nissan, Honda, Chevy (maybe even a KIA) best believe she’s riding with him TONIGHT! (Laugh Loudly you know you want to.)





I know, I Know it’s the personality that matters...yea right. STOP the lies, you don’t meet someone’s personality first, you see physical so whoever made that crap up LIED).


2. Let remind you...don’t get mad if you’re turned down by a female, maybe she’s not into powder donuts stains?

3.If you are majorly outtashape, you better be dressed to the 9's and make it look GOOD! You cannot wear the tight white tee, and skinny jeans. These are not for YOU.

You can however, come strong... True Religion Jeans, Artful Dodger Shirt and Prada sneakers.

Show: And just when I thought you didn't have any chickenhead tendencies...

Mi Amor: Shut up.

Listen MR. OUTTSHAPE YOU HAVE TO TRY HARDER THAN MR. TALL GLASS OF WATER IT’S A FACT. Then and only then, will you have the right to suggest a dime. You cannot ever demand a dime and You cannot get mad if you get shot down; NO YOU don’t have the right to get mad! You got steak and cheese juice dripping from your lips; maybe she’s just not into that.


You do not have to eat weights to demand a dime, nor do you have to have seventeen abs, but you must take good physical care of yourself. This may seem a little vain and I am all for the love of all people, cause I got a few crunches to go before I can throw a two piece on (again we as females are aware of shopping within our league) but I’m tired of guys getting mad and saying slick stuff cause I don’t want to put my number in your prepaid phone!


I’m sorry Mr. Outtashape you lose … The same way one size fits all is a lie (LADIES SUMMER TIME IS COMING UP PLEASE TAKE NOTE), you are no longer allowed to show any since of entitlement with the female population…You take Mr. Tall Glass of Water’s left over’s and you like it!

Until Next Time, Mr. Outtashape go to Planet Fitness first Monday of the Month they serve PIZZA and maybe a gym bunny may think you’re trying!!!

Live, Laugh, Love,

MyAmor

Mildly Entertained, yet tired of letting females take over the blog despite the succulent eye candy the provide,

The Bros


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Battle of the sexes: A Female Blog (Pt. 1 of 2) ...Fu*k Ludacris

This blog is dedicated to the female readers of the NappyHeadedBros Blog…

Every female, attractive or not so attractive, fat or skinny, tall or short appreciates being approached by a tall glass of water. You know the 6’5, 260 built, brown skin brother, wearing a tight white tee, showing off the fifteen hours he spent in the gym today.


LL-Cool J


LOL-Cool J.


Show: No homo, no homo, no homo.

You know what I am talking bout?! Those dudes that make you change up your walk, pluck your eyebrows and get your mustache threaded (Please don’t front like you don’t get the stache threaded, you know if you live in Waterbury you visit Shangita for the stache hook up). This tall glass of water can approach you and say just about anything! But your focus is far beyond whatever is coming out of his mouth.

Show: No homo.

Heck!! For all we know he could be going into cardiac arrest but he’s so fine, all you can see is his mouth moving as you study his lips and become mesmerized by his eyes and those eighteen abs bulging out of his size "too small shirt."

What does that do for the average female?!

Show: Other than make it nearly impossible for regular niggas like us to get the booty without trickin glasses of Moscotto and Red Lobster Gift cards?

It boosts your self esteem, strokes your ego and makes you think I must be IT! Thank you Mr. Tall Drink of Water! Not only did you increase my confidence but you just made it impossible for the next dude that attempts to approach me.

Now let’s touch on the true reason for this guest blog…



This is a public service announcement for the well being of females attitudes everywhere!!


Now no one’s perfect ...


Show: You're close.


LOL. I’ll be the first to proclaim I’m not a small woman. I’m 5’6 and every bit of 160 pounds.

That’s right I’m a female that actually eats, and eats well (Please beware if you ask me on a date I will not be eating salad so please bring your wallet and Popeye’s coupons).

However, I’m not a stranger to the gym; the planet fitness black card is on deck. Females come in all different shapes and sizes and even we heavier girls can be considered thick if we wear it well. BUT...Now here's the important part... Guys, YOU DON'T HAVE THAT OPTION!!

NO GIRL IS SAYING, DAMN, THAT NIGGA IS THICCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!






It’s either you’re fat or not!


If you think otherwise, you better have borrowed Tyson Beckford’s face!! Yes you can hide that belly under and over size tee but once its summer time that belly will be strolling down the beach right with you! With all this said, my question is WHY DO OUT OF SHAPE MEN STILL DEMAND DIMES?


Show: Skerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. Enough female ranting for today. You can break down the rest of your theory manana mama. You do have a point though.


Show: I swear, it almost makes me upset when I see a fat dude prancing around with a Dimepiece just because he's got a tight Christian Audigier T-shirt complete with the no homo rhinestones. Tight shirts on chubby mofo's doesn't equate to diesel. However, it looks much more acceptable than muffin tops or girls with high concentrations of Adult fat squeezed into junior misses size baby fat denim.


Mi amor: True. But why should we have to be dimed out for dudes who don't try?


Show: Unlike most male female inequalities which we can chop up to just being a double standard, there's a bit more going on here. You see, chivalry has created a demand on men to "open doors," "pay for dates" and "fight to protect a females honor" all the while not demanding sexual compensation...though it is sometimes implied. As a result of taking on this burden, we have to overcompensate by at least demanding reciprocal hotness. This is why hot girls can be found with rich guys all across the globe.


The only reason I'm fit, is because I'm broke. True story.


Sincerly,


Show "the medium sized glass of water" & Mi Amor "The sweet glass of Vitamin water"


To be continued tomorrow...Niggas & Niggetes.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wyclef Paid Mistress $105K Thru Yele!!!

G***ammit Wyclef! What the hell. Remember when the earthquake first struck and folks hit you up like "text $5 to Yele now!" and you went, "ummm I dunno..." and then someone else hit you with "send $10 to Red Cross" and you just felt so much more comfortable? There's a reason for that. This Shady bastard Wyclef has been using charity money for tricking purposes! For years! The only mildly mitigating factor in this hot shitty mess is that this scandal is pre-earthquake. Thank God. Or I'm sure Haitians and non-Haitians alike would start feeling a little violent hatred.

Here's the full article from gawker.com.

"Yele Haiti , the sketchy foundation that Wyclef Jean founded to help the Haitian people --which received millions in the outpouring of generosity following the wake of the earthquake there--paid Jean's mistress and personal assistant $105,000 in 2008.






That's Zakiya Khatou-Chevassus on the right in the photo above. According to Yele Haiti's 2008 tax return, which was posted this week by the Smoking Gun , the charity paid Khatou-Chevassus $105,000 as an independent contractor in 2008 for "program development." That amounts to roughly one-third of all the money Yele spent that year on management and general expenses.






So what did she do for that money? Khatou-Chevassus is currently listed on Yele's web site as the organization's vice president. But according to five sources familiar with Yele's operations, in 2008 she served as Jean's personal assistant--working on his commercial endeavors as well as his charitable ones--and was involved romantically with the former Fugees star.

"She worked for Wyclef on all Wyclef matters," says one source who has worked with Jean in the past. "She did whatever Wyclef needed that day, whether it was related to Yele or not. She would do things like book flights, and she wasn't very good at it. It's a shame that she made that much money." The source said Khatou-Chevassus' salary amounted to more than three times what Suzie Sylvain, Yele Haiti's dedicated program director who is credited by many Yele Haiti insiders with actually keeping the organization running, was paid.

"Everyone knows they were in a relationship," says another source familiar with Yele Haiti. "A dozen people, including me, saw and knew. It wasn't a secret." Jean is married, but he has said in the past that he has an open relationship with his wife.

Jean has a long history of using Yele Haiti's money for his own commercial gain. In 2005, 2006, and 2007, the foundation paid out a total of $410,000 to commercial entities controlled in whole or in part by Wyclef , including a whopping $250,000 for advertising time on a Haitian television station he co-owns. According to internal financial statements obtained by Gawker in January , Jean didn't contribute a single dollar to Yele Haiti's American operation during the year he founded it, and its founding executive director resigned because he "saw hundreds of thousands of dollars going to business needs and nothing going to the charity, when it seemed that part of Wyclef's new PR strategy focuses on his charitable endeavors." In 2006, he demanded a $100,000 fee to perform at a Yele Haiti fundraiser designed to raise money for his own hometown. The event was canceled in part because securing Jean's participation was too expensive.

As the Smoking Gun noted, Khatou-Chevassus seems to have done some modeling in the past . The photo on the right above was taken at a 2009 reception she organized in New York for Prince Edward's International Award Association. (Captions from photographs taken at the event that we found online identify her as the CEO of Carte Blanche International, but we're almost certain that's an error. All of the people we spoke to who know Khatou-Chevassus say it's preposterous that she'd be a credit card executive; we've called Carte Blanche to ask.)

A call to Khatou-Chevassus and an e-mail to Yele Haiti's publicist were not immediately returned.

UPDATE: A fifth source has confirmed the romantic relationship."

Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!! Fucking Wyclef!!!

If your shady nigga spidey senses started going off and you wanted to make sure your donation really went to Haiti then kudos. You're not gullible. If you said "nah man I wanna support black charities and donate directly to a Haitian organization," then I hate to say it but I hope you learned your lesson dumb ass. And stop donating to old ladies with laminated signs on 125th street saying the one dollar you're giving is going all the way to Haiti. Yeah right. Harlem is the hustling capital of the USA, the Mecca of the okey doke, and 125th is ground zero. Nigga please. Sorry for cussin'.

If Yele was legit regular folks would have heard about how awesome it was prior to the earthquake. Think about how far $105K would go in that poor ass country? And Clef pays his mistress that? 3X what the real president makes? And he asks for a 100K appearance fee? In fucking Haiti???? Oh hell no. Isn't Clef Haitian? Shouldn't he know better? Guess the fuck not.

I never trusted his ass. What the hell does Wyclef really do? When he raps, none of his raps rhyme. He can't sing, but he'll be sitting right there with that fucking guitar raping and pillaging everyone's ear drums with the voice of an asphyxiated homeless alcoholic. Yes, someone please call 911! Clef is singing again. Fuck! Douche bag.

Fuck Wyclef, fuck his guitar, don't fuck his mistress who looks flabby and sick like Larry Holmes and is clearly cool with stealing charity money.

My Haitians. Work your voodoo on these jerks to make them do right. Don't harm anybody. I'm just saying you know, rig them dolls so that Clef gets explosive diarrhea when he wants to dick over his own charity in his home country, or makes his nuts itch when him and Zakiya are within 50 feet of each other. And he has hemorrhoids til he does right. Or maybe all three simultaneously.

Or maybe everyone should just donate to the Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders, and other reputable organizations doing work in Haiti, NOT named Yele.


Once More 2 Ya Door,
C4

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Stepping: It's Not Just For Negroes Anymore


Oh boy. It finally happened. Just when you thought white girls couldn't piss off black girls any further, they went full on Jackie Robinson, so to speak. I'm sure a lot of y'all know this by now, but just in case, peep this:


Show: Did I see dat bitch ass cornball coon Ludacris giving out the prize??? If anybody should be giving out awards to white sorority girls it should be Show "Drunk White Girls" Rocka. F**K Luda!!! This whole thing is a fraud!

C4: Stop hating, Luda had nothing to do with the judging. But you have a point. "Drunk White Girls" is an Ivy League classic.

So basically a white girl sorority took first prize at a national step competition, leaving the Divine Nine feeling not so fine, lol. Of course, everybody is crying. Black people yelling, "why they gotta be stealing our shit? Why can't we ever have nothing? This is some buuuuuuulllllshit!" CNN even reported on this and showed some of the youtube comments from salty brown people about the outcome of this competition.

Now your Friendly Neighborhood Blog Killah is also a former stepping champ of the highest order: ninjas could not step to Delta Eta (literally) in '03-'04, anywhere on the east coast, real talk.
Blog Killah at bottom center (pause), Naledge of Kidz in the Hall is the dark-skinned one top left

So basically I've got the nappy-headed credentials in this muddasucka. And in my expert opinion, those white girls were NICE. Their steps were crisp and in unison. The pacing was optimal for the intricate hand-steps. Their steps included seamless formation changes (no easy feat), and in the dance portion of their routine they even dropped down and got their collective eagle on (which I'm always happy to see, from any ethnic group). In short, a very good performance. Of course I didn't see all the rest of the sororities, but I'm basically not mad at them.

Personally I'm mad at the judges who started backpedaling after this shit got more attention, and awarded the AKAs a tie in order to appease the masses. I mean, I get it. This whole white girls stepping thing caught a lot of people off-guard. Not the Bros tho.

Back in undergrad Showrocka found himself at a Drexel sorority party and some of the chicks just started busting out steps: this was in 2003!

Show: They were good too! Delta Zeta whatup, the NappyHeadedBros love you.

This got me thinking about other "black things" becoming dominated by other races.

1. R&B

Sure, everybody is hopping all on Trey Songz nutsack (no Sen. Roy Ashburn) for his last album, but any true R&B fan will be satiated by the most soulful whiteboy in the game, Robin Thicke. His first LP was a certified panty-dropper, and as far as his latest album goes, I'll be testing that bad boy out tonight.
"Chris Brown, are you mad I make better music than you, and my hand is on your ex's thigh? Yeah my wife is black too, I'm used to this."

And of course who could forget that the summer of 2006 was absolutely DOMINATED by Justin Timberlake, who, with collaborations with Timbo, Pharrell, 50 Cent and the Clipse (for f***sakes), may not even be white anymore.

2. Dancing

America's Next Best Dance Crew eliminates black groups real easy, but the Asians be running thangs.

Tako: That's right, biiiiiitch!

C4: Shut the f*** up.

Tako: You just mad cuz you got served by a gang of Asians while you were rocking an Urkel costume.

Show: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

C4: Why you had to tell him about that?! I was ambushed. I had no idea that group of Asians were breakdancers.

Show: Who served yo ass up. No Project Runway. I thought we were gonna have to whoop they ass just to defend your honor.

C4: I appreciate the support, even though you violated the G-code.

Show & Tako: *chuckles*


3. Chicken Wings

Yo. Don't front. Every once in a while all you want is a four-piece box of wings with what on the side? Say it with me now: PORK FRIED RICE. The local hood Chinese restaurant with plexiglass in the front and nowhere to sit down, has thoroughly mastered the art of the chicken wing, making it in some way that no other race or type of establishment can duplicate. And it's f***in' delicious. You can't lie. You can't run from it. All you can do is hunch over your plate, sacrifice your offering of several packets of hot sauce, and pray before your true lord, MSG. YA DIG?!
Salivating, ain't ya? I know. Me too.

4. The Salon

Every black woman knows if she wants her hair done right, she goes to the Dominicans. She wants her nails done right? Koreans. Nuff said. Watagatapitusberry!

See black people? While we're out conquering and excelling in new endeavors in the 21st century, other races are climbing over our proverbial fence, breaking into our home base and stealing the blueprints of the talents we took for granted. Sure we play tennis, golf, and of course, the official Kwanzaa sport of speed skating.

WJA3: Shani Davis is the Greatest Black Athlete of All Time!!!

But what have we sacrificed in return? Nothing really. I take it all as a compliment. Really, the only time to get mad when somebody borrows from one's culture is when that somebody does it terribly wrong and tries to pass it off as the real thing. When it's done well, even the haters gotta recognize, and begrudgingly even like what has been done. See the landmark cases of The Streets vs. Vanilla Ice and Hip Hop vs. Eminem if you need a point of reference.

What other ethnically-affiliated endeavors have yet to be co-opted, but maybe should be? Let's find out tomorrow, on NappyHeadedBros.com.

YA DIG?!

-The Bros.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Oh Hell Nawww: Sean Coonery

More True news that I wish was a falsely fictitiously fabricated farce...(The Alliterative Bros are back to being bombastically boisterous !)

While yall we're busy getting your nails airbrushed with pictures of that fat bastard Biggie (C4: Reckless! ), the Bros were out combing the streets like Nigerian Hair, making sure you are well informed of the nonsenscial hogwash Tomfoolery white people tend to get into once the March (aka "time to break out the shorts even though there's still snow on the ground") season comes around.

This is really just lighter skinned coonery. We need a word for White Folks coonin. I'm gonna steal this one from A2K-10 Virus and call it "Sean Coonery." LMAO.

Enjoy this REAL NEWS.

Mar 9, 2010


Chef Puts Wife's Breast Milk On Chelsea Restaurant Menu




Yuppie parents in New York have made their presence felt in many ways: stroller rage, dragging their brats into bars where no one else wants them, being loud. Now, in addition to being seen and heard, they can be tasted, as mother's milk (literally) makes its way on to a Manhattan restaurant menu. -

Daniel Angerer (I'd say the name is appropriate under the circumstances) is letting…adventurous customers at his Chelsea restaurant Klee Brasserie sample his wife Lori's nipple tipple. And, as with so many things, blogs are ultimately to blame for the misstep. Says the Post:


"After blogging about his efforts with the human cheese, customers started demanding a sample.'The phone was ringing off the hook. So I prepared a little canapé of breast-milk cheese with figs and Hungarian pepper.'"

I just don't know. This generation of parents–able to stay in New York due to its transformation into the kind of Westchester-esque affluent suburb (have you seen Columbus Avenue in the 70s lately?) urban parents once fled to–deserve to be shipped all the way to Saugerties just so we never have to deal with them again.

It's almost like the idea of being "pioneers" who've rediscovered the benefits of raising spawn in NYC has convinced them they're the first parents to walk the Earth (see: mommy: blogs, message boards, reality shows). A trip to the American Museum of Natural History (with their tots, of course!) might be in order.

For now, I wonder if terrified, health-conscious sanctimommies will be able to enjoy their rack snack with a glass of wine. Maybe in the third trimester? Or before a public pump and dump session while breastfeeding their own babies?

[Note: This is not a piece from The Onion. Nor is it April 1st.]

--By Billy Gray


Show-Sho: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!

C4: Watagatpitusberry!!!! Don't know what it means, but it seems applicable.



Well, there you have it. I thought the Japanese dude eating the dead babies was sick, but this....this shit right here niccca??? Unacceptably foul son. What's next? Semen stew?


This is why I don't trust people who don't use wash cloths. Not to sound racist (LOL) but after all the shit white people talk about blacks (other than me of course, I only eat sushi) eating hog maws, chitterlings and shit, they are always trying to push the standards of epicurean decency. I'm sorry, but we should not be eating Titty cheese, leftover placenta or anything else white people are trying to convince us is food. Remember what happened the last time white people convinced us of something...? Yea, I bet Sinque does. (Insert the Middle Passage...or Trail of Tears if you's an Injun. LOL. )


Not that we are Zagat rated or anything, but we can tell yo funky asses that we will NOT BE EATING HERE! WTF dude. I'm still not over this. Fu*k it. C4, lets start a restaurant and sell used womens edible panties dipped in a wasabi Dijon sauce ( MW don't even go there...) Add enough ingredients and wal-laa!! White people think its food.


Tako: Waa-laa. Add Franks read Hot and Black people think...

C4 & Show (In Unison) : Tako, Shut the Fuck Up!!!



LMAO,


The Bros